issue with a friend

kiva989

Just looking for some opinions here.

Myself and my friend go way back - primary school (both late 20s now).

Growing up, she had some pretty serious stuff to deal with regarding her family situation and her weight. Looking back, we spent alot time discussing her problems. We also had alot of craic together. She has a really good sense of humour and we bounced off each other very well.

As I said, she had a alot of issues growing up - one of them being her weight. Her weight also made her very reluctant to meet guys. Even if someone was interested in her, she would never pursue it because she wouldnt believe anyone could find her attractive.

In recent years she lost alot of weight. I was delighted for her because her size made her deeply unhappy. She also met a guy (he is married, with kids...its another story in itself.)

Anyway, my issue is since she lost the weight and met this guy (about 2 years ago at this stage) Im lucky if I hear from her twice a year. And its always me who has to initiate the contact...I could text her 7 times in a row and Ill be lucky if she replies on the 8th text. She always says she is so busy with work etc. etc. We met about this time last year and she apolgised for her behaviour and said that since her boyfriend has come into her life, she hasnt had time for other people. She said she felt bad about this and knew it was wrong.

At the time I was really hurt about all this but decided not to say anything because at least she was acknowledging the situation. I thought things might change after that but over the last year, we have met up three times. I text her 2 weeks ago asking how Xmas preparations were going and no reply since. At this stage I feel a mixture of sadness and anger. I'm sad because I miss my friend. We had a really good connection - we could talk about serious things as much as light hearted things. But I'm also angry at her. It feels like I was only good enough to be her friend when she was overweight and depressed. Now things are going good for her, its like I don't register on her radar. I feel really let down. In the past year, Ive had a few things happen myself where I could have used a friend. It tried to initiate contact with her during this times (just general conversation starter texts) however she never responded. If she did, it was way after and time had moved on too much to go into it with her.

I'm really conflicted on what to do. Obviously some friendships don't last forever - I really thought ours would. Do I just let it fizzle out like this?? If that were to happen I imagine us bumping into each other somewhere it being really awkward. I would hate for that to happen.

Do I have it out with her? I could tell her all this but what would that achieve. I'm worried it would make awkward between us. I dont want to cut her out of my life because she is a nice person and when do actually meet up, the friendship is still there.

Any opinions? (Sorry for the long post)

Stavro Mueller

When some women meet a man, they become so wrapped up in the relationship that they neglect or drop their friends. It looks like that has happened here - she has said that much herself but yet she has done nothing about it. There's also the possibility that the friendship has run its course too. I'd not necessarily say it's because you're not good enough for her now - it could be that she has moved on and changed as a person.

If I was in your shoes I'd just let it fizzle out. You're doing an awful lot of the running here and getting feck all in return. She's possibly replying to your texts out of politeness and some sense of obligation rather than because she wants to be friends. You said yourself that you needed a friend during the year and she wasn't there for you. At this stage you're little more than a acquaintance to her I think.

Do you have other friends in your life?

P. Breathnach

I agree with cymbaline, in particular with the suggestion that you just let it fizzle out. Trying to have it out with her would, as you say yourself, make things awkward - and there would be nothing to gain.

Accept that life has moved on that that somebody who was once a close friend is now more a friendly acquaintance.

GreeBo

Sounds like your friend has discovered a whole new part of life that she never had before, it's not surprising (to me) that she is caught up with her boyfriend, she has never learned how to balance the two.

I lost touch with most friends during my first real relationship, so from the other side, it's very tough when you realise what you have lost.
I'd talk to her about it, maybe even come right out and say you can't being the only one putting in effort here.

Don't give up on a good friend would be my advice. Though that's coming from someone who is a bad friend, so maybe a pinch of salt....

December2012

There's a thing that people do that makes them try harder at something because of the time they've already spent at something.

I think you're doing this.

You guys used to be friends and you keep trying because of this. But she isn't.

So in my opinion your friendship is done.

I think it's better for you to just let it go. A giving out might be cathartic but at the same time you run the risk of turning it into a rant.

LegacyUser

I have been in similar situation with a friend of mine over the past 12 months.

I know she will send me a text over the Christmas asking me to go out.
I have decided that I am not getting dressed up and going out for a night unless it is some where I have interest in going to.
I plan to have a very honest chat with her about how she has treated me over the past 12 months. I will remind her of all the times I was there for her and I will tell her that unless she starts to make a serious effort with me - regular phone calls and regular night out I won't be available at a moment notice any longer.
All I will say is that some people are quite happy to keep taking but they have no give back.
Friendship requires give and take and no one likes been used.

I am lucky that I have made a few new friends this year. I am already planning nights out for next year.

LegacyUser

Despite the hurt you are feeling, you can't make someone be friends / a better friend with you. Fair enough to say your piece - once - but if she doesn't respond to that, or if she offers words but doesn't follow it up with actions, then you two are done.

Maybe she would prefer to be on acquaintance level, maybe she'd prefer not to be friends at all, maybe she doesn't want to be around you if you've expressed disapproval of her relationship, or maybe she'll turn to you if her circumstances change. You can't change this, or her, all you can do is decide if you are prepared to hang in there for a 'maybe' friend, or just let it go and get on with your life.

rock22

Did you think of stopping texting and phoning instead...?

Typer Monkey

I've said this before to people here who are waiting for a boy/girlfriend to text back, it takes seconds to compose and send a text. If someone isn't replying to your texts it's because they don't want to or they couldn't be arsed. You can bet she doesn't leave the fella hanging when he texts her!

Sometimes you have to see the writing on the wall OP. It doesn't look like she wants to put in the effort required to be your friend. You can't badger her into submission and you really shouldn't want to either. I'd let it go now if I were you

LegacyUser

I have the opposite problem from you OP. I am with my OH a few years now and have tried my best to maintain my friendship with my best friend. I do all the running with her & try to meet up at least every two weeks without OH in tow but she usually is too busy or brings other people along so we can't have a proper chat. She is single and I have come to the conclusion that she can't relate to me being with somebody when she is not.

It's gotten to the stage where I have had to stop making the effort with her & cut close ties. Anyway the moral of the story is that sometimes you just have to cut somebody loose from your life because you can only do so much to try to keep up the friendship. Try to make other friends and maybe that friendship can be rekindled somewhere down the line.

Merkin

I don't think there is any point in flogging a dead horse. You've made ample efforts to get in touch and she has numerous opportunities to keep in contact also. For whatever reason she is obviously not arsed. She may feel you have grown apart and no longer have anything in common or she may be so consumed with this new chap (which is never a good idea!) that all other aspects of her life are deemed secondary.

I personally find not responding to texts the height of rudeness and I think you've been more than patient. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't bother anymore. Chances are if this new squeeze is the reason she has no time for you, then she will be calling on you post haste when it all goes wrong.

Stavro Mueller

When I hear someone using being busy at work as an excuse for not making contact, the writing is usually on the wall. Yes, people can have jobs where things are hectic and they might not have time to blow their nose at times. But they're not at work 24/7 and they could send a text or pick up the phone if they wanted to.

She also probably knows you disapprove of her boyfriend so that could be a reason for her to avoid you. You don't have to have said anything for her to know this.

Ande1975

Hey Op,

Like all the previous posters have stated I think you should leave well enough alone. I understand completely how upsetting and disappointing it can be when you start to lose a friendship like that.

We need relationships and while we are growing up we replace our parents, with our friends and sometimes they become almost like surrogate partners. Then we meet our partners and some people replace their friends with them.
I had a friend who behaved like yours. She would disappear when she met someone, become aloof but when the relationship inevitably ended, she was constantly in touch and I was a sounding board for her.

She did it for the last time a few years ago (mid 30s by the way) and I had enough. We haven't spoken in 4 years.

I don't miss her because the emotional roller coaster she put me through was stressful.

Some people are like that, however a lot are not. I am 40 and have a wide circle of friends. They all behave very differently towards me and I've learned as I've gotten older, friends come and go but the true ones always stay and are there no matter what.

Its confusing and upsetting but the reality is, it has nothing to do with you as a person. Cut her loose. She'll be back when that relationship inevitably falls apart and will be knocking on your door.

Look after yourself,
A