He just wants me to be ok

LegacyUser

I can get quite down - anxiety and self-loathing are pretty much my staples.

I'm in a pretty happy relationship but my OH finds my 'down-times' pretty difficult. He just wants me to be ok and generally can't understand why I'm not. He is a very rational person and doesn't seem to understand why I get so down sometimes when there is no obvious cause. He gives me hugs and supports me when I tell him I've hit a low point but he doesn't really know what to do beyond that and honestly neither to I.

I've tried talking to him about what's going on with me but he finds it very difficult to understand or relate. Bless him he tries but in my overly sensitized state I pick up on his discomfort and just end up brushing it off.

I'm guessing this is not an uncommon issue in relationships and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice?

GreeBo

Happy_but_Sad wrote: »

I can get quite down - anxiety and self-loathing are pretty much my staples.

I'm in a pretty happy relationship but my OH finds my 'down-times' pretty difficult. He just wants me to be ok and generally can't understand why I'm not. He is a very rational person and doesn't seem to understand why I get so down sometimes when there is no obvious cause. He gives me hugs and supports me when I tell him I've hit a low point but he doesn't really know what to do beyond that and honestly neither to I.

I've tried talking to him about what's going on with me but he finds it very difficult to understand or relate. Bless him he tries but in my overly sensitized state I pick up on his discomfort and just end up brushing it off.

I'm guessing this is not an uncommon issue in relationships and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice?

Are you seeing or talking to a professional about it? Maybe he feels under pressure if he is your only outlet?

I'd let him know that you are not looking for him to solve your problems, just to understand that you are down at the moment.

Dingle_berry

A few things that come to mind;
Keep in mind and acknowledge his efforts to help. It means he cares and wants to help. Acknowledging his efforts in some way will prevent him from feeling useless. Even if they don't cure you, acknowledge them to/with him. If any do help make sure you tell him so.
Maybe show him this clip <mod snip> or get the book that the clip is based on. It's a very very simple explanation of depression. Establishing a dialogue about depression (how it's not just "the blues") could make it easier to explain your anxiety (how it's not just being nervous) and self esteem.
Finally you both need to realise that maybe there is nothing that he can do to "cure" you (not that you expect him to). Just like if you had diabetes or IBD etc, he can support you but it's up to you to seek help if you need it and follow the professionals advice on management.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your reply.

I had a long chat with my OH and he was absolutely amazing. I realised that I attribute reactions and feelings to him that are simply not there and it is my anxiety that is creating them.

I feel a bit silly as I started a thread that was fueled by my anxiety and my fears about talking to my OH that are based on a difficult time in our relationship that we've long since gotten past.

That being said I think writing the post was important - It made me really think about what was happening with me and gave me the courage to talk to my OH.

Today feels a lot more manageable - I'm hoping I get more days like this.

K_P

I agree with the last two posters. Let your OH know how much you appreciate his support and that you're not looking for him to "cure" you or cheer you up or shake you out of things. In my experience at least, these down periods often just take time. Nothing causes them therefore nothing concrete and tangible will end them either. His understanding and support and patience is the best thing he can do for you so be sure to let him know.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I read this last night but had to wait until I was at a PC to respond (Non Reg)

I am in the exact position of your OH however my partner has gone and seen somebody for their anxiety issues and frankly, it's worked wonders for them.

Their instinct reaction sometimes is to shove me away so that they can cope with their emotions and I respect this when they ask it but it kills me every time I do.

I am in a relationship which Io can see going places but I am not prepared to fully commit to bringing it to the next level until I am satisfied that I am "in"

So being in your OH's shoes, what do I imagine he needs from you?

Let him know that you're down (you already do by the looks of it) If you feel like it then broach why you feel down (if you know) and try and work out what is causing you to feel anxious. Even if you just want to curl up on the couch and stare at the TV then do so with him (if you can)

Don't push them away but try and embrace them. At the end of the day, you're with this person for a reason and if you this reason is that you want to be with them then you're going to need to learn to let them in.

All your OH wants to do is help and support you. This is nothing but good news for you and you need to learn to embrace it and maybe sometimes understand that it's not their fault that they don't fully "get it" and help them try to understand what's actually going on.

You really should however speak to a professional about this too.

All the best OP