Struggling with new life

LegacyUser

Going unnreg for this

Ive talked to no one about this but need to vent.
I hate my life.

This will sound selfish but im not happy
I bought a house with my partner in an area I didn't want to live in really. Im so far away from my friends and family. I have never felt more isolated in my life.

We had planned on starting a family. So thats why I agreed to go this far away. (Im from the country like) but now it transpires that this may not be possible. And weve bought this big house in the capital for nothing.

I feel ive wasted the last 5 years of my life for nothing.

Im freaking out.
Help.
Daz.

CaraMay

Can you sell it? Rent it? You need to talk to your partner about all of this.

Plek Trum

Hi Daz - it sounds like you are very over whelmed with a lot of things going on in your life at the moment.
It would be impossible to solve every issue with just one decision so take a breath, try and have a look at each scenario individually.

1) You and your partner - how is your relationship? Are you happy together, would you be happy with him / her regardless of where you are? If yes, that's good, something solid to work with.

2) Your house - were you happy to commit to a house purchase? Its a big step, can throw up all sorts of worries and concerns but remember, at the end of the day, its bricks and motar. They are always options. People move, sell, rent out their houses all the time. It doesn't have to be forever forever and no choice ever again. But each payment you do make on your mortgage is a little investment in your future - that's a win win scenario, regardless of where you end up living when you are turning old and grey.

3) Being away from friends and family - this is hard and takes adjustment I know. Try and remember that Ireland is a small place and while you may not be able to casually pop into the people you knew, you can plan nice regular catch ups. I have friends dotted all around the country, and I live in a remote area. Among your friends / family, set one weekend aside a month to either visit OR have people to yours. Doesn't have to cost anything, weekend by the fire, cooking food, few drinks etc. Its a lovely routine to have, keeps things moving and makes sure you have something to always look forward to. Really makes you value friendships when you know you will be meeting again in a few weeks.

Hows your social scene where you live now? Do you have friends or nice work colleagues? I know its a cliché, and there is such a difference from rural life to city living, but if YOU don't get out to make a life for yourself, chances are it may not happen. There's a wealth of things to do - what do you enjoy? What makes you happy? Reading? Sports? Movies? Art? Hobbies? Google is your friend - have a look and see what classes or groups are around. Its hard initially to walk into a room of strangers but if you are doing something that YOU enjoy you'll be fine. Places are always looking for volunteers too - never underestimate the feel good factor of a few hours time donated on a weekend.

4) Your family - I'm guessing things aren't working naturally for you both from your post. In this case, the BEST place you can live is actually near the city. There are lots of options and success stories from people all over Ireland attending Fertility Clinics for all different reasons. From personal experience in this area, being close to a clinic really would minimise stress and help enormously with appointments etc. I have a 5 hour round trip to attend mine - If I could be closer I would love it (!)

New year, new start. Take a breath and have a look at all your options. They have positive sides depending on which scenario you look at. What would be the first thing you would like to sort? Im guessing if you moved away to start a family then it might be this?

First stop then, when you are ready is a visit to your GP for a chat (if you haven't done so already) and get a referral. Your family is potentially still available, you might just have to achieve it with a little help - don't give up. The adventure of parenthood is still there. By being in the city you have a number of clinics available to you, will be able to attend without the stress of long commutes and also will be able to do so with privacy. Coming home to your own home after, knowing its yours to relax in etc is lovely and will provide a security and peace of mind along the way.

You haven't wasted 5 years. You made decisions with your future in mind. These options are still there, you may just have to re-jig things a little to achieve them. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts and try and get some clarity and not get too bogged down or over whelmed with recent disappointments. There are bonuses to being where you are right now. Try and decide what you want to achieve first and how to go about it. Once you have a purpose to being where you are it will feel better.

One step at a time - best of luck.

LegacyUser

Some times life does not go according to plan and when this happens you can sit down feeling sorry for yourself or you can decide what can I do to make things better.

You moved to the city to be with your partner and to get pregnant and now your unhappy as things are not going according to plan.
I know you miss your family and friends but as an adult you have to move on and live your own life. You can't stay living at home forever. Also within a few years you will find that the friends you grew up with will move on with there own lives so you may not see them or hear from them as much.

You have not wasted the last 5 years but you have moved to a new area so you need to join a few groups or organisations to meet new people and make new friends.
Why not spend the next 12 months enjoying your new life, enjoying your relationship and making new friends. I think once you have a few new friends and a social life you will be happier in yourself and this will help you if you want to have a baby.

If you want some proper medical information about fertility I would look under F on the health A-Z on www.nhs.uk. On this site it tells you how long it can take to get pregnant as per your age so you might find that you are worrying about nothing.
One of my friends had problems getting/staying pregnant. Both her and her partner had all the test. checks ect and nothing was happening for a long time. They took a brake from having sex only certain days of the month ect then had one go of ivf and my friend had a baby a few months before she was 40. She told me I was so relaxed having the ivf I know it helped it work.

LegacyUser

Hi

OP here. Thanks for all the advice.
Thing is she is as happy as larry and I want to make her happy. Telling her im unhappy because weve bought a big house away from everyone that I know will really hurt her and Im not prepared to do that because I love her.

Ill just have to think of something.

Thanks again
Daz

Mayboy

Hi Daz,

If you are in a relationship with someone its usually for the best if you are both on the same sheet - you need to tell her about why you are unhappy, what are you saving her from? Your feelings have the right to be aired too, carrying them around in you won't help long term.