really need help

anon1900

I dont know where to start, but I'll do my best. Like many people in Ireland , I grew up in an environment where drink was everywhere, from a young age I seen alot of people close to me drunk and drinking, i was brought to the pub as a child aswell to. This was especially the case with my fathers side of the family, his brothers began giving me drink when I was 15/16, I then got a big taste for it. It was surrounded by me everywhere i went, I often then started to drink on my own untill the point where I would pass out and get sick, and poison myself. I started drinking with older lads, and during summers with the working men that worked with my father.

Unlike them, I was unable to get up and do a days work after heavy drinking ( driving machines, contract work), this then started to cause huge tension at home, as me and my father began to clash in a big way, there would always been agression between us from a young age, I had no real interest in doing what he was doing for a living. As I hit my leaving cert year, things were slowly falling apart, my leaving went way down, only got half of what I could of got, was involved in loads of different sports teams up until that, stopped all of that, there was also huge problems in the home environment, my behaviour was totally unacceptable, I have two younger sisters and as well as my relationship with my mother it was under huge pressure, i was always moody and aggitated , not comfortable with myself at all, she couldnt understand why I was stopping everything.

As a result of my **** leaving, i went to to college ,done a course I had absoluetly no interest in lasted about 2 months and dropped out, all I done when I was there was drink, wasn't even in the apartment which I was booked into, stayed at some lads house I knew on another college. After I dropped out, I repeated the LC and then gave college another go. The first two years of College was were my problems really started

My drinking began getting out of control, drinking up to 11 cans and a naggin before going out, maybe 2 times a week at least, couldnt function at all.. Was comming home at weeks so aggitated just sat on the couch all wkend when I came home, relationship with my mother and sisters became non existent they were almost afraid to say anthing to me in case I barked back at them, I also started putting up huge weight and became very depressed. I could be drinking most of the week in college, first thing my father would say to me , come and on and we go for a few pints in the local, its not that we would even talk here, he d just talk to lads he knew and Id get drunk in the corner, I also started getting hooked on fags at the time, I was also living in pretty much squallor in my house in college. It became an open house for sessions and my room was so disgusting, it had became trashed and I was living in my own filth. It was ****ing disgusting. I scraped through the first year exams, had one or two repeats this caused more ****e at home


The second year is where the problems came to a head, went back after the summer, usual **** was drinking so heavy, blacking out starting fights, but I just pushed it too far, drank a heap of vodka redbull mixed and woke up the next morning with severe chronic anxiety I cant describe how bad this got, I was convicned I was getting a heart attack, but this lasted for so long. I became obsessed , constantly having hand on my chest. I rushed myself to A and E so 3/4 times, it was getting completely out of hand.. I began getting severe panick attacks, when I went to all these hospitals they then started perscribing me difene pain tablets, I then started using these to sleep. For about three four months my anxiety was so bad I was only getting at best 3/4 hours sleep at night and this was from around 6am to 10 am, I was at breaking point, I cant articulate how bad that was, It was the worst thing I ever went through, i was so bad, i couldnt hold a 5 minute conversatiom with someone I was so full of anxiety convinced i could die at any minute,. Again at this time my father was absolutely no help to me what so ever, I'll never forget it, I was convinced that I had to see a heart specialist so after we say him and I got the all clear the first thing he said to me once we left the place was'' hears 50 quid to go on the piss'' he say absoluetly no correlation between this chronic anxiety and years of drinking

Literally I couldnt take this anymore and gave up the drink completely, off it since last March. I've had to completley isolate myself, change my number, delete my facebook, I had so many bad friends built up over the years from drinking. I began to heal gradually over the summer once I had finished college and come home. I completely changed my lifestlye around, I mean completely, I have lost four stone, and became extremely fit. I go to the gym and went back playing sport, I remember crying my eyes out after the first game, because the i was so sick a couple of months previous from all the pain killer fags , drink and **** food that I literally couldnt walk to the end of the road. I have lost alot of good friendships and breakdown of relationships from the way I was,

Over the summer aswell I also began to tell my mother of how things really were with my father when i was growing up, the constant surrounding me with drink, when I went over to see a match with him in england i was 15 and some of his friends were there as well all we done for the whole weekend was watch them drink and I d have to go up and get them drink. My fathers behaviour was also putting the marriage under huge strain, completely streo typical irish household, he worked hard , took absoluetly no interest in the house or any of my sisters or mothers life and went to the pub for a few pints after work, the relationship was non existent. When I was giving up drink over the summer, he was absoulely no help to me, bringing cans home, having drink in the fridge of a heavy duty machinery fridge and seeing nothing wrong with it, Going to stag weekends and comming home hung over all weekend . NO joke after I saved up and bought a car over the summer the first thing he said to me was'' if you go back drinking, you better not drink and drive''


Since then they have been working on the marriage and going to councelling, for the sake of my sisters. Since I have went back to college I have found things so difficult, I have been so isolated, im so surrounded by drink, and Im just so lonely, I still get nightmares of the few months were I was going through the severe anxiety, I go to the gym most of the time and play a sunday league soccer at the wkend thats all my life is. At the beginning once I stopped drinking everything was so ****ing better and I began to appreiciate the small things, like being able to sleep for 8 hours without panick attack or drinking myself to sleep. But I just feel so numb at the minute, its been hard the last few weeks because drink is so surrounding me in the college, I have literally one friend. I know there is positives my college marks have went up so much, I might actually scrape a 2.2. My relationship with my sisters and mother has improved 6 fold, I haven't had panic attacks since then. Im able to play sport to some level but not what I could of been, I could of played at a much higher level, was on all development squads in football and soccer right up until u16, i could play ball..

I also eventually gave in to my mothers pleas and started seeing a councellor in the college and he said to me Im literally very luck to have came out of that severe severe anxiety in one piece, . I do have trouble talking to people some days aswell because i went to a very dark place when i was in that horrors.

At the minute lads, im not in the best place, ive been feeling fairly ****ing depressed , ive stopped going to the gym as much and ive been binge eating on / off on junk food for the last week, ive been withdrawing more and more,I feel ashamed and guilty aswell because of that and its been a cycle for me this last week. This time of the year is an absoulte trigger for me , as i was at my worst this time last year, panic attacks taking loads of difene , drinking really heavily. I feel I cant escape my old life in one way, im constantly disgusted of the way I once was, and I just wish I could start things over again, im 21 and i feel like a 50 year old, i just feel so down in myself at the minute. My mother and father have also been getting on better lately and theres something in me that hates seeing this happen, she told me a few months ago that she would of left him only for the kids but now after a few months councelling its okay again. Im tired of hating him, but I cant help it., the same with his brothers awell, they poluted me with drink when i was only 15 , laughing at me when i was getting sick on myself, I told me mam this and she's cut ties with them, father does the bare minimum,we met one of them last night by chance in the same place and instead of walking in with my head held high i made everyone in the family leave because i felt too angry to stay there and play ****ing pretend, I should of though, kept my head held high, he s only a few years older than me 28/29, im just ashamed and guilty again

Im just ****ing exhausted, at the minute im very close to going back drinking and I dont know what to do, i dont really know why i posted on this , first time i ever done it, I just feel numb, apologies about the **** spelling aswell. If anyone could offer me any bit of advice, im just at breaking point here, i probably didnt even explain the whole thing that well, its juts flowing out of me here. Things just seem to be so repitious for me,

kerrrBLAHHH

Firstly you deserve huge praise for turning your life around from what you described a year ago, well done, after what you described you are a credit to yourself, some people never make it back out of the big black hole and you have emerged and have already seen a significant improvement in your health, your mental well-being and have enhanced the positive relationships in your life with your mother and sisters. These are huge positives. Focus on them.

I also cut a load of people from life at age 20, people who I felt where no good for me as I struggled with alcohol and other substances, the feeling of social isolation in those initial few months was very tough, especially in college in a new city, but it did get better and thank god I stayed on that path.

I don’t know much about counselling or addiction, just my own experience, I knew early on that I couldn’t handle drink and that I was a self destructive drinker, so I don’t know what the right thing is to say to you.

But i think you are a crossroads, you have made huge improvements in your life, you have so much to be proud of yourself for, look at all the positives you have achieved in a few months, imagine what you could achieve in a few years? Every day your life will get better, but know if you are in crisis try to seek professional help from someone who knows the best way to get you through, now is the time to do it if you feel that xmas will be difficult for you.

I don’t know what to say other than that, I just felt compelled to write back, focus on all the positives, your old life sound like it had you in hell, don’t go back there,

beano345

I could see bits of myself in your post op, the anxiety and panic attacks especially I really should have went to my gp sooner and when I did I came clean about the drinking as was worried about the damage I might have done to my liverI got a bloodtest which returned normal,so went on the lash again once I got the all clear (like a fcukin idiot) back to drinking nearly a litre and a half of vodka a day anxiety got worse so went back to the my gp,which would be my advice to you if your back anxious or depressed,drink is not going to fix this problem you know that!it is hard when your surrounded by drink all the time but like my doc said "that's your choice" unless you move to some country were its illegal!

enoughalready

Thanks for sharing Anon1900. First of all you are not alone with the feelings and emotions you are going through right now. I can relate a lot with your story and know exactly how you felt with the anxiety and panic attacks as I too have suffered something terrible with them. Thankfully since I stopped drinking, my anxiety symptoms have become easier to handle and are not as extreme as they were when I was drinking. My only advice is to NEVER GO BACK to that drinking lifestyle. You are stronger than that and by the sounds of it much happier when you're not drinking. Maybe have another session with your counselor to talk things through with him. Remember this is a great place for supportive feed back so if you are feeling particularly low, we are here to help - cry on our virtual shoulders, we are all in the same boat and never feel ashamed about yourself, you are trying your best and will achieve everything you want once you work hard at your goals and aspirations. I take my hat off to you. ~ Trigger (27)

Sunnyisland

Anon first well done on turning your life around,that in itself is some achivement, Second, I am not really qualified to give you much help and getting professional help is recommended,Anyway here goes of what I think you may be going through.

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

Perhaps most important: we recognize that the work of recovery truly is "work," and it takes time, effort, and sometimes it costs money. Sometimes it is costly in other ways, as well; friendships and other close relationships will be changed, when we change. And that can be painful. Making this kind of change will have an impact on all areas of our lives; that is a very, very good thing; it can also be accompanied by some pain. Again... we must learn to tolerate the discomforts involved in life changes.


There will be some emotional upheaval along the way. As your doing Anon,we might want to seek counseling or psychotherapy;

Also and for me this was most important, Making a plan, and following it, is an act of mature recognition of the fact that, for nearly all of us, just wishing and hoping that we will stop drinking (or begin drinking "normally") "on our own" is not going to work. Remember: nobody ever "wished and hoped" their way through any important project. But with persistence, and support from others, following a plan can take us to the places in our lives where we really want to go.

Keep posting here Anon it's good to share what your going through as a lot of us can relate.

kerrrBLAHHH

Anon,

You know it sounds like your mam has had it tough, with that in mind she must be so proud of what you have achieved in the last year, even with everything stacked against you totally turned around which is remarkable.
You mentioned a lot about your father and uncles, well you have taken the steps to ensure that you will never be like them, you have shown that you are better than them and when the time comes you will not be an missing or emotionally absent father/brother/son. Remember you are not like the bad influences in your life, you are better than them and you too strong to go down that road again.

anon1900

i appreciate the responses, it means a lot

Sunnyisland

There is often some misunderstanding of what it really is, so we should perhaps briefly describe what the medically agreed symptoms of depression are:

low mood most days (feeling sad or empty)
lack of pleasure in activities
low motivation
irritability
inability to concentrate & poor memory
lack of activity and energy generally
feelings of guilt & worthlessness
appetite changes
sleep disturbance
The causes of depression are different for each person, of course, but certain similarities occur:

Early life events:
Some people are more predisposed to depression than others, as a result of their life experience – certain events may cause the development of low self-esteem, poor problem-solving skills or hopelessness.

Beliefs:
Depending on what messages people have been given in life (by peers or parents for example), they may develop a range of dysfunctional, rigid beliefs about themselves, other people, or life generally, for example -

“I’m weak”,
“I’m unloveable”,
“if other people don’t approve of me then I’m worthless”, or
“if I need people they won’t help me”, or
“I’m not strong enough to cope if unpredictable things happen”.
Thinking styles:
How we make sense of our life has a big influence on how we feel. An example of this is ‘attributional style’. For instance:

If a negative event occurs, perhaps a mistake with significant consequences, and you attribute it to an internal, enduring cause (e.g. considering yourself useless), then of course it would tend to make you feel low.
If you attribute the same event to an internal but transient cause (“I wasn’t paying attention right then”), then you might feel less depressed about it.
Were you to attribute the event to external factors beyond your control (“anyone would make mistakes under this sort of work stress”), then you might barely feel down about it at all.
This is a simple example of the many attributions we make for what happens in our lives, all of which are just opinions, subjective views, not facts. Depressed people might counter “yes, but I AM useless”, but again this is only an opinion, not a fact.

Current events:
If, on top of these predisposing vulnerabilities, current life events occur which deplete emotional energy or make coping difficult, then depression can develop. Some examples of such events might be:

A loss of some sort (not just of a loved one, but perhaps a loss of some important aspect of life such as status or health for instance).
Prolonged stress – the perception that the demands being made of you exceed your available resources; if this is chronic then a state of helplessness (“I’ll never escape”) or hopelessness (“what’s the point”) can develop.
Periods of anxiety can also precipitate depression, as the feelings of vulnerability, unpredictability and lack of control can create pessimistic beliefs about the future.
Once depression develops, what maintains it?


Another aspect of our selves is our moment-to-moment stream of consciousness; the linguistic content of our thoughts. These have an immediate effect on our mood, so depression can be maintained by ‘Negative Automatic Thoughts’ which take the form of unhelpful styles of thinking.

There are three main themes: –

the self (eg. – I’m defective or inadequate)
the future (eg. – it’s hopeless and pointless)
the world/life (eg. – it’s difficult, uncaring, cruel)


Some common unhelpful thinking styles include:

Over-generalisation (using words like: always, never, everyone, no-one, everything, nothing)
All or nothing, categorical thinking (if you’re not perfect then you’re a failure)
Negative filter (only seeing negative evidence about yourself, ignoring any positives)
Mind reading (“I know they don’t like me”)
Catastrophising (“that’s it, I’ll never succeed at this now”)
Labeling yourself based upon your behaviour (“I did something stupid, therefore I am stupid”)
Self blame:
Lack of compassion for yourself is often a factor in maintaining low mood – even if we are capable of being compassionate and caring towards others, we believe that we don’t merit the same compassion or forgiveness for ourselves. Thus guilt and self-recrimination can become entrenched.

Lack of activity:
Once low mood sets in, energy levels and motivation drop, and as a result people do less. Their opportunities for having fun, for feeling a sense of achievement, for sharing experiences with friends, all diminish. Thus a feedback loop is established, potentially leading to further drops in mood.

Alcohol:
And finally of course, alcohol is a well-known depressant, a substance which many people turn to in times of difficulty, thus compounding the problem.

Found this Anon, it's from http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/alcohol-drugs

PS I think were breaking charter with this so that's all can be posted, sorry. Don't quit quitting :-)

jimmyRotator

Realies I found your post very helpful, thanks.

Why would it be against the charter? I get that recovery-style posting can be unwelcome in a thread where the op is a non-drinker as opposed to a recovering/recovered ex-drinker, but seems really helpful in this case.

Op best of luck on your journey.

Sunnyisland

jimmyRotator wrote: »

Realies I found your post very helpful, thanks.

Why would it be against the charter? I get that recovery-style posting can be unwelcome in a thread where the op is a non-drinker as opposed to a recovering/recovered ex-drinker, but seems really helpful in this case.

Op best of luck on your journey.

Hey guys,

The forum charter says the above, but many people have ignored it. You'll noticed I just closed a few threads for that purpose.

The admins decided a few months ago that this forum can not serve the purpose of being a support group, and that it should be solely used as a social group for those non-drinkers (alcoholics or otherwise) who want to have some fun with other non-drinkers.

The admins have their reasons for enforcing this, so we just have to respect that when a site gets as big and generates as much attention as boards, the owners have to be careful.

If anyone is aware of an Irish forum for alcoholics or addictions in general, then please feel free to post it up here and others can check it out too. If none exist, maybe I'll make one myself when I get home in a few weeks!

Sorry for any inconvenience caused by this. Please post your thoughts in this thread rather than PMing me.

Cheers,

Dave




That's what it says,and in fairness we are left much alone here and we don't want to be pushing our limits, IMO.

anon1900

i know its probly not the best time to be posting , but i dont have anywhere else to talk to about it, went on a food binge last night, i was feeling so depressed the last few days, im frantic at the minute and in my head planning to go drinking soon enough maybe tommorow when the house is quiet

anon1900

the head is just wrecked

KrustyBurger

Hi Anon

Don't know if you've seen this site but it's pretty useful. https://rational.org/index.php?id=1 It separates you from the voice inside that wants to drink. I hope it helps.

systemicrisk

anon1900 wrote: »

the head is just wrecked

Dont do it mate. Never mind the food binge everyone does it from time to time. Also everone slacks off on the training a bit at this time of year. Go for a walk or something to clear your head and think about all you have achieved.

Your future is limitless. You are 21 in yhe process of getting a good degre, are fit and healthy, have cut bad influences out of your life, repaired relationships. Remember its a marathon not a sprint. We all get impatient and want to improve every aspect of our lives immediately but it is a ggradualjourney and one you are doing great. Get oot of the house for a while nd have a think about all the great things which are possible now that you have turned your life around. Most importantly I want to say well done :-)

kerrrBLAHHH

Anon never mind the food binge, it happens at Xmas and unlike alcohol we have to eat food every day so don't let a bad episode with food lead on to an alcohol binge.

If a food binge happens than form a habit that it leads on to a tough but rewarding week in the gym or an extra jog or something.

Remember that tomorrow is always another day, a bad day doesn't mean you are back to square one. Use a bad day as motivation to get back on the horse and get batter than before, I used this attitude and the time between the bad days begins to grow eventually... But the potential of a bad day is always there to keep me on my toes.

Whatever happens you are stronger than this and you will continue to rebuild the new you into 2014

stefan idiot jones

If it's any help to you, I binge eat every day.

I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat meat, drink tea or coffee, gamble or go to the gym. But by fcuk I can put some food away.

Don't beat yourself up, nobodys perfect or invincible.

Have another pig in a blanket and start again fresh tomorrow.

anon1900

i feel so ashamed , i feel like im actually losing it a bit now. im really really struggling with the isolation, sometimes things keep me upbeat, i was focusing on applying to courses once ive finished the BA, and ive also transfered from my soccer club to the one in the college to make friends, but lately , im just so downbeat about the future, the depression is really sticking in to me lads, and when i say food binge its a different level of a binge, like ive been solidly eating for the last day, im at breaking point, the struggle of trying to build a new life is just too much, ive just been on my own so much i think im losing it a bit, thinking i take myself too seriously realising how stupid i was for thinking i was getting a heart attack, although ive been strongly against taking anti- depressents and meds im going to give them a go, i feel so sick from eating and ashamed for doing it on christmas day and bringing everyone elses day down aswell, this same thing happened two weeks ago and my mam suggested a treatment centre for booze and addiction problems, tabor lodge, i almost feel like going in there now, the isolation is a****ing killer

stefan idiot jones

Your Mam is giving you good advice. I know someone who went to Tabor House and it straightened them out. Taught them discipline, to be open and talk through your issues and feelings and most importantly for this person, to relearn basic life skills that they skipped round and avoided for far too long.

A far better and sober person emerged coming out of there.

Gael23

First off all well done on looking for help, that takes a lot of courage. I think you should consider seeing your GP and just talk to them in private about what you've said here. They will be able to offer you the best advice on how to deal with your problem.

kerrrBLAHHH

Over the next few days focus on the day you are going to get help from a professional who knows how to help you, than visit them at the earliest opportunity, try to focus on all the positives in your life, maybe make a list tonight and have it to look over for the next few days.
I find Xmas difficult because it seems to remove structure from my life, all be it temporarily, but just hang in there and now is the time to seek professional help.

Sunnyisland

Anon you need to get professional help now.

anon1900

Yeah thats what happens as soon as structure goes Im gone. I have to analyise and look for triggers for my behaviour, I was sitting at home reading a book, then i started to binge eat and beat myself up then knowing full well the effect it would have on me, on some level i must want to do that to myself. , just find this a really tough time of the year, im temped to go for a cycle and just focus on the positives at least i didnt drink and ill be back at college soon

anon1900

I swore last time that I would nt do it, i endend up gyming twice a day for two weeks after it, it nearly killed me. Theres obviously a reason im doing it. ive been feeling fairly low the last while, but what im doing is maddness

Sunnyisland

anon1900 wrote: »

Yeah thats what happens as soon as structure goes Im gone. I have to analyise and look for triggers for my behaviour, I was sitting at home reading a book, then i started to binge eat and beat myself up then knowing full well the effect it would have on me, on some level i must want to do that to myself. , just find this a really tough time of the year, im temped to go for a cycle and just focus on the positives at least i didnt drink and ill be back at college soon

anon1900 wrote: »

I swore last time that I would nt do it, i endend up gyming twice a day for two weeks after it, it nearly killed me. Theres obviously a reason im doing it. ive been feeling fairly low the last while, but what im doing is maddness

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=69759279

That is a thread that might help you Anon,keep the positive thinking Anon you will get out of this cycle and move on to a better life.:)

jimmyRotator

Anon you should get yourself to an AA meeting.
You will find many other young people in the exact same boat, and it will certainly help with the isolation.
A problem shared....

Carpet diem

[quote="jimmyRotator;88159871
A problem shared....[/quote]

Very true

noiniho

anon1900 wrote: »

Yeah thats what happens as soon as structure goes Im gone. I have to analyise and look for triggers for my behaviour, I was sitting at home reading a book, then i started to binge eat and beat myself up then knowing full well the effect it would have on me, on some level i must want to do that to myself. , just find this a really tough time of the year, im temped to go for a cycle and just focus on the positives at least i didnt drink and ill be back at college soon

You didn't drink, fantastic well done

anon1900

Thanks for the support lads. I didnt drink, I ve just been questioning the decisons in my life that have led me to this point and I've been doing that because of the lack of structure of the last few days. I wasn't always the guy with no friends, or with anexiety or drink problems, was just wishing I could go back to school and almost start again but i cant, i am where i am now and i can go forward. Im going to visit the grave of my granny today and ask her to help me, i would of been very close to her when she was alive and I used to live with her.

There are lots of things to stay positive about I just need to remind myself of them, i still will be able to get my degree, havent failed anything, I could travel in the summer. Sometimes the thoughts of building a new life at 21 becomes overwhelming, i just wish i would have done things differently i need to stop beating myself up and forget the last few days, whats done is done.

anon1900

Aswell, when i first gave up drink and the pannic attacks , i began to appreciate everything , as i said in my first post, being able to sleep and hold a conversation with someone, not having to go to the a and every couple of weeks , maybe in the last few weeks thats been wearing off and ive been feeling a bit numb but once i remeber how bad that was it helps me stay going, things will have to get better at somestage.

Hi Anon,

Sorry I just got your PM and hadn't seen this thread previously. Your OP was nearly identical to my own story, it's actually scary how similar it is to be honest. Along with the bond you had with your grandmother. It was the same for me. What I will say though is that if I came from something so similar and turned it around so can you. The only difference with me was when I gave up I looked in to ways of dealing with my alcoholism straight away. I also got in to fitness in a big way but the most important thing I done was dealing directly with my own demons. I had tried other methods by myself over the years and they just didn't work. I would be back on the booze within a month or so.

You need to do something as soon as possible mate or you'll find yourself back drinking & we know where that brings us all, I don't mean to be right to the point there but it's what you need to hear right now. You need to do something about this now. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW. AA worked for me and for many others on the forum but like anything it doesn't work for everybody, I'd say at least go to a meeting for now so you can at least you can express how you are feeling to someone with similar experience. It will just give you mind a bit of peace for a few hours. Then you can start deciding whether you need to go down other avenues to deal with this. Be it through a professional or what not I just think you need to do something about this right now.

I wish you the best pal

Carpet diem

If you need to talk no better spot then AA.

My problem is I wouldn't say a word. But by the sounds of it you just want to talk so try it out.