Is this abuse and should I leave?

halehale

Lately me and my boyfriend have been having lots of fights. He lost his job, has considerable debt (which I have helped him repay). He constantly says about how difficult things are for him, not having money etc. Anything that goes wrong lately he says it's my fault. If he gets angry its because "you make me do this". He never can acknowledge that sometimes he is in the wrong. I for one know I'm far from perfect but I will say sorry and admit if I'm wrong. He never apologises for anything.

He recently moved into my apartment because he had to give up his place after he lost his job. I never once asked him to pay for food, bills yet he expects me to move apartment so we can have a place that is both of ours and not mine. It makes him crazy if I say the apartment is mine and not ours. The other day I made reference to my apartment and he flipped at me. He threw my tiny christmas tree across the floor smashing it. I had a clothes rack which he put his fist through. I room was destroyed. I just ran out and left. Later when I came back he denied having done any of that. I said to him what he did and he said it wasn't him. He constantly threatens to leave me or break up if we have a fight. That day I told him I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't.

I got upset and forgave him but I'm afraid I'm starting a vicious cycle and that this won't be an isolated incident. He has broken bones in his hand before from hitting things with rage... I really don't know what to do

OttoPilot

Yes and yes, break up with him and tell him he needs to move out, job or no job. If he resists, call into your local garda station and look for advice about how to move him, maybe they could pay him a visit...

December2012

I don't know if it's abuse.

But there is definitely an anger issue.

You could go to relationship counselling if you want to work on your communication etc.

Or just dump him if you don't like this behaviour because it's clearly not on.

halehale

my dilemma is I have previously been in a physically abusive relationship

Midnight Sundance

If you are in fear , get out!! Whether it is it isn't an abusive relationship , you are worrying that he's beginning to show signs of aggression. I would worry about him denying all that damage in the first place. Why wait until he physically hits you.
Or get some counselling , but you need to address his behaviour before it gets out of hand

Jordans n Timbs

Sounds likes he's passive aggressive. Disgusted/embarrassed with his station in life as a man and probably thinks/knows you'd be better off with someone with their sh*t together.....saw this 1000 times, the passive aggressiveness comes from his own failure to secure employment/bleak outlook

Merkin

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

If you are in fear , get out!!

I totally agree with this. Regardless of whether he is an angry or aggressive or raising his voice or trashing your stuff if you possess one iota of fear then you need to get out of this relationship. You shouldn't be fearful of a partner. I'd be asking him to move out if I were you.

Dixie Chick

That sounds very distressing, the incident which he later dwnied especially. He doesn't sound very nice to you at all, in fact5 it sounds like he has become downright abusive in his language and also his actions whatever the trigger may be. I personally would not be able to cope and yes I do think its abuse

In my experience, someone being angry with themselves and taking it out on the person closest to them can be a particularly vicious type of aggression. They might not see it as affecting you or having anything to do with you, when in reality you're taking a psychological beating. Having someone throw things around and break things can be just as intimidating and bullyish as having them thrown at you. It doesn't matter if it's not technically abuse. It doesn't matter if he's never physically hurt you. He has you scared and wont even pause to consider that he's doing this to you. He's done things and then denied them, so he's either a liar or genuinely deluded.

He sounds controlling, possessive and inconsiderate, and that's only from your relatively short post. Threatening to leave if things don't go his way is another warning sign to me, another way for him to try to control the situation.

The man gets into such a rage that he can do something without realising it will break his hand. Clearly his forethought goes out the window when he's angry, including his memory of it afterwards. Do you think he has enough consideration/perspective when he's angry to control whether he hurts you or not? And if he does ever physically hurt you, will it be your fault afterwards, or will he just claim to never have done it?

It might sound over-reactionary, but I would leave. ASAP. Get him out of the apartment sooner rather than later, while you still can.

heretochat

Kick him out now...

If you accept this sort of behaviour, it will escalate... No-one should live in fear of what a partner will do or when they might flip.

Look after yourself

Someone said relationship counselling - I would say to try and persuade him to get counselling by himself. There are obviously a lot of underlying issues that he is trying to deal with. Try and get him to admit there is a problem, but do it as passively as possible. However if you are living in fear, then you should definitely end it. You just have to decide if the relationship is worth it right now.

thegreatgonzo

halehale wrote: »

...He threw my tiny christmas tree across the floor smashing it.... He has broken bones in his hand before from hitting things with rage... I really don't know what to do

How many people in this country have lost their jobs and still manage to act like decent human beings?
I think the breaking of your property, especially if they are objects you are attached to is a calculated type of cruelty. I wouldn't stand for any of this if it was me.
Breaking his hand from hitting things with rage...that is not normal by any stretch of the imagination. I would ask him to leave and I would do so with someone present then I would change the locks.

Artful_Badger

There would be some hope if it was just a rage and he realised and accepted fault afterwards. But the fact he can't do that is worrying and I can't see things getting ant better for you. My advice is to get out of the relationship.

maria34

I wouldnt get any councelling to anyone. Just change the locks. Seriously, lots of ppl lost their jobs. They dont act like lunatics.

He doesnt even admit it! Its like when u get angry u are allowed to smash his car and kill his cat or what???

I know i have been in abusive relationship. And now i have the nicest boyfriend ever. So i know the difference.

Mr. Incognito

Run a mile

simonsays1

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

Get out of the relationship!!!!

It is not going to improve even if he does get work,

His behaviour is appalling!!

ShaShaBear

Anyone that refuses to leave someone elses property when asked is going to be trouble.

Stavro Mueller

halehale wrote: »

Lately me and my boyfriend have been having lots of fights. He lost his job, has considerable debt (which I have helped him repay). He constantly says about how difficult things are for him, not having money etc. Anything that goes wrong lately he says it's my fault. If he gets angry its because "you make me do this". He never can acknowledge that sometimes he is in the wrong. I for one know I'm far from perfect but I will say sorry and admit if I'm wrong. He never apologises for anything.

He recently moved into my apartment because he had to give up his place after he lost his job. I never once asked him to pay for food, bills yet he expects me to move apartment so we can have a place that is both of ours and not mine. It makes him crazy if I say the apartment is mine and not ours. The other day I made reference to my apartment and he flipped at me. He threw my tiny christmas tree across the floor smashing it. I had a clothes rack which he put his fist through. I room was destroyed. I just ran out and left. Later when I came back he denied having done any of that. I said to him what he did and he said it wasn't him. He constantly threatens to leave me or break up if we have a fight. That day I told him I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't.

I got upset and forgave him but I'm afraid I'm starting a vicious cycle and that this won't be an isolated incident. He has broken bones in his hand before from hitting things with rage... I really don't know what to do

I've bolded some of these which I personally find disturbing. Anyone can have a bad day and lose their temper but this guy's behaviour is gone beyond that. He has a very bad temper - that's clear to see - but his attitude in general isn't much better. I wonder is the "my apartment" thing a form of control? That he hates that he's living in something that's yours and therefore you've got one up on him? And what's all that about blaming you for things, even when it's blatantly obvious that he's the one doing the damage.

To be honest I'd be calling it a day and asking him to leave. They say if you want to know someone, come live with them. If you do decide to kick him out, can you get a male relative or friend to be there to help you? I've a bad feeling he'll not want to leave

systemicrisk

Try get away from him as soon as possible op but make sure you are safe. Maybe tell him in a neutral place and stay with someone for a day or two telling him to be out by time you get back. If you dont own the apartment perhaps move yourself. From the behaviour you describe he sounds very irratic and with that anger you just cant trust what he will do.

ABajaninCork

Do you have father/brothers/uncles/male friends? I'd be rounding up a few of them to get him out. Do it. Sooner rather than later.

His behaviour isn't going to improve. In fact, it'll get worse. A lot worse.

ivytwine

halehale wrote: »

Lately me and my boyfriend have been having lots of fights. He lost his job, has considerable debt (which I have helped him repay). He constantly says about how difficult things are for him, not having money etc. Anything that goes wrong lately he says it's my fault. If he gets angry its because "you make me do this". He never can acknowledge that sometimes he is in the wrong. I for one know I'm far from perfect but I will say sorry and admit if I'm wrong. He never apologises for anything.

He recently moved into my apartment because he had to give up his place after he lost his job. I never once asked him to pay for food, bills yet he expects me to move apartment so we can have a place that is both of ours and not mine. It makes him crazy if I say the apartment is mine and not ours. The other day I made reference to my apartment and he flipped at me. He threw my tiny christmas tree across the floor smashing it. I had a clothes rack which he put his fist through. I room was destroyed. I just ran out and left. Later when I came back he denied having done any of that. I said to him what he did and he said it wasn't him. He constantly threatens to leave me or break up if we have a fight. That day I told him I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't.

I got upset and forgave him but I'm afraid I'm starting a vicious cycle and that this won't be an isolated incident. He has broken bones in his hand before from hitting things with rage... I really don't know what to do

Have a read of this OP, it's just a wiki about gaslighting, a form of mental abuse. Gaslighting

I think this the beginning of a very slippery slope. As many other posters have pointed out, there are thousands of people suffering due to recession in Ireland, it's an excuse. Nobody should treat their partner like this.

desbrook

Please understand OP that his behaviour is not because of his circumstances - it's his inner nature. Even if he had a great job and lot's of money - he would act in a similar way, putting it down to work pressure and controlling you by reminding you how it's his money and how lucky you are to have him.
Put simply he won't change - get him out of your apartment and life and keep him out!