I just cant help myself

LegacyUser

Long time poster going unreg for this.

So the short story is there is a girl i am mad about who is unavailable (well should be unavailable)

The details:
I met this girl (Mary) a number of years ago through a sport i play. We are both in our mid 20's. We instantly hit it off, i fancied her, she was cool. But she had a boyfriend so no harm done i thought i wouldn't have to see her very often, there's plenty more fish in the sea etc.
Anyway things changed when she came to work in the same company as me. Again the attraction was evident to the fact that colleagues commented on the chemistry between us. She still had the boyfriend though. The flirting and lingering looks at work continued and culminated in us kissing on a night out at work.

We talked a bit about what was going on and the crux of it was she was really interested in me but was going to be staying with her boyfriend. I was a bit crushed but accepted it. Fast forward 2 years and we are still in the same boat. Ive had a few relationships since but cant get her out of my head. Weve kissed a few times since and came very close to sleeping with each other. I know I know its so wrong. I completely accept this. We just cant help it. That's a bull**** excuse and a cop out i know of course we can help it but when we are in that position it feels that way. There is massive guilt on both parts. We text regularly and have to see each other at work Monday to Friday. Her friends tell me shes mad about me but too scared to do anything like leave her boyfriend.

We've had heart to hearts, cried, wished the world was different. She says she loves her boyfriend. Or at least she says she thinks she loves him despite cheating on him with me. Shes talked about breaking up with him but shes too scared and passive to do it. She couldn't let her family down. She told him she was with someone else but he still forgave her.
I feel like a fool for being dragged along, i feel like a prick for being the other person in an affair. But i just cant seem to help myself.
I've met her boyfriend once hes a nice guy and doesn't deserve this.
I'm a bit of a mess.

So what advice do i want...

How do i move past this? I've heard the advice from close friends and i just cant seem to take it. If i wasn't directly involved in this id be giving the same advice.
Its just so so difficult. I cant get past her because i always have to see her. I don't want to get past her. I don't want to be responsible for the break up of her relationship. Is the fact that shes supposed to be unavailable more of an attraction to me. Do i really want a relationship with her.
Whats the best case scenario for me here, she dumps him and gets with me i suppose. Do i even want this to happen. I just don't think this is going to happen. But i hold out the hope that it might happen. Just like every person getting involved with someone who is in a relationship i suppose.

How do i move on from this??
Help me

Big Bag of Chips

This has been going on for 2 years. She's not going to leave him. She likes you, a lot, but not enough to end her relationship. I think you like her more than she likes you, so you are holding out more hope... I honestly don't think there's a chance for you here.

Sometimes relationships overlap, but it is usually for a short time/couple of months while the people try to figure out what they want. 2 years is too long, and is not going to change... Unless you do something about it.

My advice is to give her an ultimatum. And mean it. If she can't commit to you, if she is unwilling to end it with her boyfriend, then you have to walk away. Because she is happy enough with the situation, but you're not. It's in her power to change it, but she doesn't want to.

You know all this of course.... The only question is, how long more are you willing to put up with it?

LegacyUser

Yeah the fact you say it's in her power to change it but doesn't want to is relevant. As much as I'd like to believe the opposite.

How do I walk away from it though when I have to spend more time with her (9am again tomorrow) than I do my friends and family?

Big Bag of Chips

Treat work as work. You CAN distance yourself from her emotionally, if not physically. If you have the same lunch break, don't spend it together.. have to "go for a walk", or "go to the bank" or something. You don't need to be rude or dismissive of her, or anything, but you also don't need to be afraid of hurting her feelings too much. You don't really owe her anything, but you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself... So if you can't continue to be around her, then put distance between you when possible.

Force yourself to be more distant with her. Less chit-chat/flirty chat. No texting outside of work unless it is something specific to do with work, or your sport, that needs to be organised outside of work hours. No general chit-chat texts. She may notice, and decide she can't lose you, and finally finish with her boyfriend. Or she might happily let you go, relieved that you made the decision for her.

Good luck... It's not a nice or easy situation to be in.

December2012

Look for a new job.

How do people give up smoking? Drinking?

You start. So just ignore her. Tell her it's over and then leave each other alone.

Merkin

She's not interested or certainly not enough to leave her boyfriend for you. Which means she is stringing you along/enjoying the attention. She doesn't sound like *that* much of a catch if I'm honest.

Tell her explicitly you don't want to hang out with her anymore and start looking for a new job.

AnonMouse

Just put a stop to everything OP. Either get a new job or just get over each other.

Besides that, you'd never be able to trust her if you got into a relationship with her. Every time she was out without you, you'd be wondering if she is doing to you, what she is presently doing to her boyfriend.

It's a lose lose situation.

Tasden

Merkin wrote: »

She's not interested or certainly not enough to leave her boyfriend for you. Which means she is stringing you along/enjoying the attention. She doesn't sound like *that* much of a catch if I'm honest.

Tell her explicitly you don't want to hang out with her anymore and start looking for a new job.

Yeah that's what I was thinking myself. Either she stays with a boyfriend who she is constantly betraying and doesn't love that much if she continually cheats on and wishes things were different etc., or she breaks up with him and gets with you and in time, more than likely, you become that boyfriend. Do you really want a girlfriend that treats her boyfriend that way? Cause let's face it, if she can do it with you she can do it to you. I'm not trying to badmouth the girl you're crazy about I just don't understand how you can see that as partner material. And I know you think that shes only doing it with you because its you, that it wouldn't happen with anyone else but if shes fickle enough to cheat on someone she supposedly loves, not even just one slip up but repeatedly and make regular contact which only fuels the situation, then she's fickle enough to do it again IMO.

Its very possible to ignore people at work, and in a civil manner. I'm not saying its the easiest thing in the world and it will be awkward but I'd strongly recommend you be the bigger person here.

stargazer 68

Oh come on OP she is having her cake and eating it and loving every minute of it! Its time to man up and cut the cord.

Stop texting and flirting and stop spending time together. It is difficult however can you not see that this is holding you back from finding someone that does actually want to be with you??

heretochat

Are you happy to be this girl's guilty little secret? She has been stringing you along for a long time (and treating her boyfriend abysmally at the same time).. She does not come across as a very nice person to be honest..

And of course you can stay away from her. Cut all contact with her and have some self respect would be my advice.

Pippy1976

She's not the girl you think she is: imagine if you were her boyfriend. Being cheated on. Lied to.

Her relationship is full of deceit and you must move on from her. As other posters said, she's stringing you along. If she wanted you 730 days is enough time for her to make up her mind.

You don't want to be with someone who's deceitful - honestly, you don't, if you really break this down and look at the bigger picture.

move on. you'll be so glad you did.

Mr. Incognito

She's a player. Cut her out of your life

beks101

Littlebitofadviceneeded wrote: »

We talked a bit about what was going on and the crux of it was she was really interested in me but was going to be staying with her boyfriend.

Does not compute.

She's either interested in being with you or she's not.
In this case, she's not. Which makes her a liar, on top of being a cheat and a player. And someone who clearly doesn't have much respect for her friends.

I think you need to do some soul-searching and figure out why you've let yourself be vulnerable to someone who is happy to piss all over your feelings - for two whole years.

If you give a sh1t about yourself at all, you'll give her nothing more of yourself but a mandatory curt, polite hello any time you pass her in the corridor from now on. No excuses needed, just the wide berth she deserved from the time she told you she wasn't breaking up with her boyfriend two years ago.

She is taking the absolute p1ss.

nc19

Dont give up!


I was in a sim situation a long time ago and i didnt give up and we have a baby now and are married

Just because she found him before she found you doent mean she had to be with him.

beks101

nc19 wrote: »

Just because she found him before she found you doesn't mean she had to be with him.

According to her it does. She's had two years to think about it and still isn't willing to break up with him.

If you want to guarantee more frustration, unhappiness and absolute waste of your own time and life - hang on and wait for her to change her mind.

Maybe another two years will be the ticket :rolleyes:

CaraMay

She is using you as a bit on the side for a bit of fun before she marries this guy. Op respect yourself enough to walk and meet someone who wants to be with you 100%

Loughc

All this girl loves is the attention. She's getting off on it. You'll never end up being with her and if you did could you even trust her fully?

LegacyUser

OP here

First of all thanks for all your replies. The tough love is difficult to hear but probably necessary.
Most of the stuff said i already knew but it has a decent effect when its written down in front of me.
I suppose i'm looking for particular advice of how to get past this after i've made the decision so particular thanks to big bag of chips for the well thought out response.

So an update.

I spoke to her today after a team meeting and asked to talk after work so we did.
Basically i told her that this nonsense going on between us is stopping now. That i wasn't having much fun essentially being someones bit on the side because it is too hard for me not to become emotionally invested in this because i have feelings for her. No more flirting, no more texting, no more messing about at work social club nights.

She cried a bit and apologized for treating me horribly. I told her she should have a hard look at her relationship if this is all normal behavior and she thinks she loves her boyfriend despite messing about behind his back. She agreed with everything i said and claimed she has a lot of thinking to do about herself.

Now the **** part. I feel miserable. This situation is so frustrating me. In the back of my mind im thinking well what if she breaks up with him!? I still want her but i know ill never have her.
I know i've made the right decision and im sure i can stick with it. At the very least i'm not going to put myself in the position again of being anyone's bit on the side. I'm just going to find seeing her all the time pretty tough, i guess its kind of like an overdue breakup. I'm sure like them all it will get a bit easier with time but its not an easy situation to be in.

GreeBo

It's very fresh and raw OP, it will get better and less painful and in the end, either way, be better for everyone involved.

Pippy1976

You're right, it's not easy. But congratulations and well done on doing it. You've gotten the hard part out of the way, I think. Now you just need to focus on yourself and moving on from her.

Again, good on you.

Littlebitofadviceneeded wrote: »

OP here

First of all thanks for all your replies. The tough love is difficult to hear but probably necessary.
Most of the stuff said i already knew but it has a decent effect when its written down in front of me.
I suppose i'm looking for particular advice of how to get past this after i've made the decision so particular thanks to big bag of chips for the well thought out response.

So an update.

I spoke to her today after a team meeting and asked to talk after work so we did.
Basically i told her that this nonsense going on between us is stopping now. That i wasn't having much fun essentially being someones bit on the side because it is too hard for me not to become emotionally invested in this because i have feelings for her. No more flirting, no more texting, no more messing about at work social club nights.

She cried a bit and apologized for treating me horribly. I told her she should have a hard look at her relationship if this is all normal behavior and she thinks she loves her boyfriend despite messing about behind his back. She agreed with everything i said and claimed she has a lot of thinking to do about herself.

Now the **** part. I feel miserable. This situation is so frustrating me. In the back of my mind im thinking well what if she breaks up with him!? I still want her but i know ill never have her.
I know i've made the right decision and im sure i can stick with it. At the very least i'm not going to put myself in the position again of being anyone's bit on the side. I'm just going to find seeing her all the time pretty tough, i guess its kind of like an overdue breakup. I'm sure like them all it will get a bit easier with time but its not an easy situation to be in.