Flatmate and girlfriend have taken over house

LegacyUser · 15-12-2013 4:06pm #1

Hi all going unreg

So I moved into a two bed with a good mate I'd met last year

Unfortunately it seems that he; and especially his girlfriend are treating the flat as just theirs

She's over more than half the week and has to get up at five to drive home for work

Often wakening me in the process of going to the bathroom

Sorry if this feels like a rant but I paid good money for the house and my name is on the bills etc she's forever sticking the heat on without asking and leaving her stuff all around common areas

Plus the way they act would make you want to vom sometimes planning their future together etc. I thought me and my mate would have great craic in our house but I hardly see him.

I would appreciate any advice at all!

ivytwine · 16-12-2013 10:27am

You need to confront him on it I'm afraid.

If she's racking up the heating bills then she should be paying towards it.

It's not fair on you at all. Is this your first time living out of home?

Merkin · 16-12-2013 10:40am

No point in dropping hints or being passive aggressive - you need to confront this head on and take him to task about it.

She is imposing and has no right whatsoever in ramping up the utility costs when she is not a paying tenant. Or leaving her stuff about the place - sounds like she is totally taking the p1ss to be honest.

Instead of just confronting him about it, you need to probably come up with a solution as well. What would be an ideal compromise for you? Would you be happy if utilities were shared three ways? Or if she handed over a few quid every month for her being there? Or would you prefer one of you move out altogether? Or just limit her to being there at the weekends only? Or would you prefer they stay in his room when she is over? If you confront him about the problem also suggest a compromise/solution so you can have a more constructive discussion.

Stavro Mueller · 16-12-2013 10:48am

Because your mate now has this girlfriend you're very much going to play second fiddle to her. So unless they break up your chances of having any craic with him are pretty remote. If it's a fun house with single lads you're after, you'll have to consider moving.

On the bills issue etc. I agree with the others. Passive aggressive is not the way to go. You're going to have to have a conversation about this.

For what it's worth, lots of people who share houses never share with couples. They change the dynamic of a house and can take it over if you know what I mean.

Potatoeman · 16-12-2013 12:49pm

I had the same problem a while ago. It ended badly after dragging out way too long. I would discuss it with your flatmate and set some ground rules but really he should move, no one want to share with a couple.

purplekitty · 17-12-2013 2:48pm

You need to tell your room mate that his girlfriend is going to have to start paying rent.

Its not fair and she is taking advantage. From renting it seems general consensus that partners are allowed stay over two nights a week, but are respectful not to be in common shared areas when other renters are there.

I had this stated in a least two rent contracts that i have had in the past.

Other then that, just move out... Simples...
you are never going to feel like the place is yours if your living with a couple.

Potatoeman · 17-12-2013 3:45pm

purplekitty wrote: »

You need to tell your room mate that his girlfriend is going to have to start paying rent.

Its not fair and she is taking advantage. From renting it seems general consensus that partners are allowed stay over two nights a week, but are respectful not to be in common shared areas when other renters are there.

I had this stated in a least two rent contracts that i have had in the past.

Other then that, just move out... Simples...
you are never going to feel like the place is yours if your living with a couple.

It can even out if they spend half the time at her place. The 5am thing though is too much to put up with from someone that does not live there and would it be tolerable even if she was paying?

wirelessdude01 · 17-12-2013 4:55pm

Doe she be over at hers the other half of the week?

LegacyUser · 18-12-2013 8:27pm

Thanks for all the replies, Im going to mull over my options over Christmas, thanks for letting me know Im not being unreasonable.

She has been here 4 out of the last 5 nights, it must be costing her a fortune in petrol but she still does it.

Has anyone any advice on what to say?

Bearing in mind my girlfriend is over 2 nights a week at most too, but we dont take over the house at all

Suckfisher · 19-12-2013 1:09am

justalodger wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, Im going to mull over my options over Christmas, thanks for letting me know Im not being unreasonable.

She has been here 4 out of the last 5 nights, it must be costing her a fortune in petrol but she still does it.

Has anyone any advice on what to say?

Bearing in mind my girlfriend is over 2 nights a week at most too, but we dont take over the house at all

Man up mulling over it?
4 outta 5 nights is a complete pisstake.
If they cant go without seeinge eachother they should get their own gaff.
Of course this would cost money.

Your mate probably will feel insulted but better that than be walked on which is happening now.

You say im sick of been woke at 5 in the morning every day by someone who does not live or pay rent here.
i thought it was a flat share with two of us not 3 and you feel like an outsider in your own place.

No comprimise is needed on her paying bills really you dont want her with you.

Move with like minded people not leeches like this chick.

LegacyUser · 19-12-2013 1:54am

At this stage I would tell your friend that you are not happy with his girlfriend staying 3/4 nights a week. Mention to him she is waking you up at 5.00 each morning when she is going to work. I would tell him we rented this place together but that you are not willing to keep paying half the rent and bills so his girlfriend can stay 3/4 nights a week for nothing.
She sounds like she is keen to move in with him so let them pay for a place of there own if they want to do this.
If she does not stop staying so many nights a week I would do the following:

Get as many alarm clocks at possible and set them to go off in your room at 5.00, 515, 5.30,5.45, 6.00 on a Sat/Sun morning.
When you do this make sure you are staying in your girlfriends place or some where else.
Let them see what it is like for you to be woken up at 5.00 each morning when she goes to work.

Ask the girlfriend for her third of the rent and bills as you are not paying for her to live here.
They may not be happy over this put she should not be there more than 1 or 2 nights a week.

Pawwed Rig · 19-12-2013 9:30am

Just have a friendly conversation about it without gettting upset or angry. However make sure he knows you are being serious and not just having a rant. There is no point in falling out over it in the long term. As another poster said have a range of options available for discussion and ask him what he thinks.

gugleguy · 19-12-2013 10:02am

justalodger wrote: »

it must be costing her a fortune in petrol but she still does it.

Have you answered your own question;)
Yes, moral support for her bf. Bit stark am'nt i?

Potatoeman · 19-12-2013 12:53pm

justalodger wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, Im going to mull over my options over Christmas, thanks for letting me know Im not being unreasonable.

She has been here 4 out of the last 5 nights, it must be costing her a fortune in petrol but she still does it.

Has anyone any advice on what to say?

Bearing in mind my girlfriend is over 2 nights a week at most too, but we dont take over the house at all

Can they stay at her place at all? Do either of you stay at your girlfriends?

jackofalltrades · 19-12-2013 3:57pm

justalodger wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, Im going to mull over my options over Christmas, thanks for letting me know Im not being unreasonable.

I'd make you feelings on this known sooner rather than later. It will be the New Year before you know it.
The longer this goes on, the longer they're going to see you accepting these behaviours and the more ingrained it will become.

Especially if they're both off over Christmas, this could lead to her staying over even more.

wirelessdude01 · 19-12-2013 4:05pm

justalodger wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, Im going to mull over my options over Christmas, thanks for letting me know Im not being unreasonable.

She has been here 4 out of the last 5 nights, it must be costing her a fortune in petrol but she still does it.

Has anyone any advice on what to say?

Bearing in mind my girlfriend is over 2 nights a week at most too, but we dont take over the house at all

Imagine what they will be like after having had the place to themselves for whatever length of time over the Christmas. Say it to him tonight and get it done and dusted.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2013 4:10pm

Interesting to see the OP has no issue with his girlfriend staying over 2 nights of the week but there is an issue with the other girlfriend staying an extra 2 nights. What is the limit? The 2 nights for OP's GF, or is it more than 2? More than 3?

If someone is having a serious (carnal) relationship then one, and his/her partner, should have their own space. It's no healthy to be conducting such a relationship in teh company of others.

ABajaninCork · 21-12-2013 12:44am

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Interesting to see the OP has no issue with his girlfriend staying over 2 nights of the week but there is an issue with the other girlfriend staying an extra 2 nights. What is the limit? The 2 nights for OP's GF, or is it more than 2? More than 3?

If someone is having a serious (carnal) relationship then one, and his/her partner, should have their own space. It's no healthy to be conducting such a relationship in teh company of others.

Great, if the GF was paying rent/bills. But she isn't. Therein lies the problem, as outlined in the OP...

Pawwed Rig · 21-12-2013 8:31am

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Interesting to see the OP has no issue with his girlfriend staying over 2 nights of the week but there is an issue with the other girlfriend staying an extra 2 nights. What is the limit? The 2 nights for OP's GF, or is it more than 2? More than 3?

If someone is having a serious (carnal) relationship then one, and his/her partner, should have their own space. It's no healthy to be conducting such a relationship in teh company of others.

I guess the issue is that there is a disparity between the OPs gf and his friend. 2 nights versus 4. 1 respectful of common spaces and the other not. The OP needs to outline his expectation for the tenancy by discussing the issue and reaching a mutual resolution. We can often be blind to our own faults so who knows, the friend might have a few issues with the OP aswell.

wirelessdude01 · 21-12-2013 9:50am

bananaRep12 wrote: »

Interesting to see the OP has no issue with his girlfriend staying over 2 nights of the week but there is an issue with the other girlfriend staying an extra 2 nights. What is the limit? The 2 nights for OP's GF, or is it more than 2? More than 3?

If someone is having a serious (carnal) relationship then one, and his/her partner, should have their own space. It's no healthy to be conducting such a relationship in teh company of others.

Max of two nights a week is considered to be the norm for staying over and after that there has to be some form of contributing to bills etc.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2013 11:35am

In all of these situations regarding bfs and gfs staying over, the common theme is that the person never seems to approach the other housemate and asks "is this okay?"

It was up to your friend to pre-empt this situation OP. He hasn't and now you feel like you have to confront it. Ideally, he would have come to you at the start and discussed it with you.

As it's a good friend, I'd try and have a frank and open chat about it. You could go down the route of "listen, I think I'm going to move out in the New Year....." and then just say "you and Mary seem to want your own place" and "it's just too noisy for me in the mornings when I'm trying to sleep and it's impacting on my working day".

That might wake him up to the situation. It'll certainly put the ball in his court.

Any mention of money will sour relationships between the two of you so I'd leave it out. Any mention of the specific number of nights could result in either him getting all "you're counting are ya?" or worse, the gf finding out... again, this isn't your fault but that could be the fall out.

Just say that you're "thinking" of moving out. That will open up discussions and hopefully he will see the error of his ways.

LegacyUser · 22-12-2013 9:01pm

agoonyt wrote: »

In all of these situations regarding bfs and gfs staying over, the common theme is that the person never seems to approach the other housemate and asks "is this okay?"

It was up to your friend to pre-empt this situation OP. He hasn't and now you feel like you have to confront it. Ideally, he would have come to you at the start and discussed it with you.

As it's a good friend, I'd try and have a frank and open chat about it. You could go down the route of "listen, I think I'm going to move out in the New Year....." and then just say "you and Mary seem to want your own place" and "it's just too noisy for me in the mornings when I'm trying to sleep and it's impacting on my working day".

That might wake him up to the situation. It'll certainly put the ball in his court.

Any mention of money will sour relationships between the two of you so I'd leave it out. Any mention of the specific number of nights could result in either him getting all "you're counting are ya?" or worse, the gf finding out... again, this isn't your fault but that could be the fall out.

Just say that you're "thinking" of moving out. That will open up discussions and hopefully he will see the error of his ways.

Going to do this when I return from my family at Christmas, thank you for the advice.

Flatmate and girlfriend have taken over house

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