Can't move on from guy no matter what I do

LegacyUser

Hey all, apologies in advance for the length of this post.
Basically I met a guy through family Christmas last year. We hit it off and met up a few times and got on really well. Due to the fact that during the week he was a long distance from me and at weekends he was very involved in sports he said maybe we were better to leave it. This was after the 3rd meet up.
About two weeks later he started texting me again and for a week we were chatting over and back. I really thought we got on well,lots of things in common, every message over and back was a laugh and a joke so he asked me to meet up again. We met up a.few times and got on really well and there was a definite spark there which I think was on both sides. One weekend after not seeing each other for nearly two weeks we both had things on, I had a wedding and he had sports activities i said to him that if we wanted to see each other we'd have to find a way and if we didn't he should tell me and not mess me around. So again it was over and I was gutted.
During this summer I had heard that someone in my family had been slagging him about us so I texted him jokingly about it and he was really chatty in messages asking how I was. Three weeks later he texted again and I only sent a few messages back as I knew I was mad about him and didn't want to fall into wanting him and ending up getting hurt. He continued to text weekly for a few weeks and in september it was gone to the stage where we were out with separate people on a saturday night and be texting each other. I had a feeling he wanted to start things up again as he would say very complimentary things, texted me for my birthday etc. One night i think we both got frustrated about what was going on and i said we both needed to think about things because we have been here before. That was a Monday and on the Saturday he texted and wanted to meet up. We met up and talked about things and both agreed there was obviously something there with us when we were texting so much and always did get on well so he said could we give things a go.

I was so mad about him at this stage I agreed and certain things that happened/were said made me feel confident about things and I felt he was genuine. Anyway 2 more great dates later and he says again he doesn't know whats wrong with him because I'm such a lovely person but he can't do it. I said I didn't know what changed so quick but I thought things were really good. He said they were but he didn't know what changed for him.

This happened about a month and a half ago and I feel worse everyday. I don't think he set out to mess me around because close family of mine are good friends of his. He told me he really fancied me and various things made me feel like he really liked me. I don't feel I can ask him anymore about what happened because I don't want to come across as a psycho. If he didn't like me why go through all the texting etc when he could have just left things. I will be seeing him over the next few weeks and I'm between feeling humiliated and angry and the thoughts of having to be nice to him in front of people we both know and having to pretend like nothing ever happened are making me feel physically sick.

Any insight or advice would be great as I even feel bad for thinking about this so much,nevermind how much it upsets me.

purplekitty

Best thing to do is not bombard him with texts or calls over the next few weeks, no matter how much you reaaaaaaally want to.

just take time for yourself and try go out and do new things to meet new people. Let friends know how important they are to you.

There is no point poking a dead dog to make sure it is still dead.

If you dont hear from him, its because he just isnt thinking about you like that anymore.

i mean this is a complete girl power, non-maliscious way but..... He's just not that into you.

If he was, he'd still be in contact all the time, and trying to make things work.
You're worth better.

LegacyUser

Hey purplekitty. Thanks for the reply. I haven't texted him at all since we ended. It has been him who texted me but I never replied to one of his messages so I think he got the message I don't want to talk to him. I'm 24 and been with enough guys to know what I perceive to be the spark etc etc and I felt that with him.
I guess I'm just so hurt over things ending so soon after starting things up again and I felt his explanation didn't add up. That's the hardest part of all-getting no explanation worth talking about and things just ending.
I will be seeing him over Christmas and I'm dreading it because I feel so hurt and angry about the whole thing but I'll have to put on a brave face because I'm not one to cause a scene. I don't doubt that he's not into me for whatever reason but when someone changes in the space of a few days it's just so confusing, especially since I don't think he set out to hurt me or make a fool out of me considering all the people we have in common.

beks101

I think he did you a favour OP.

All this stopping and starting, are-we-aren't-we so early in the day...it doesn't sound like he was ever sure or committed to it being anything serious. I don't mean this to cause any further pain as I know you're hurting OP, but perhaps the close family connection made it difficult for him to walk away - everyone knowing about it, asking about you at family occasions etc was probably making him consider things a bit more seriously than he may otherwise have.

I know it's an absolute headfcuk when someone chases you and waxes lyrical about how much they like you, only to do a complete u-turn and walk away the second you decide to give them a shot. It sucks, I've been there myself too and it's confusing, frustrating, almost enraging to open up to someone and then have them let you down that way.

But he has the right to his feelings and they are sometimes hard to predict or determine until you're going through the motions of a relationship and something doesn't quite "fit". I'm sure you've been there yourself - thought you felt a certain way about someone, and then realized your heart wasn't in it, or you didn't have the time or the headspace for a relationship.

Just take care of yourself over the coming weeks, I know it won't be easy seeing him or being asked about him over the holidays. Smile through gritted teeth, play it casually and non-plussed and have a cry/rant as you need to behind closed doors.

You're a great person and his actions are no reflection on you. They're just a lesson in setting standards of behaviour in your dating life - never settle for someone who is "luke-warm" about you and/or inconsistent in his actions. Most men are pretty simple with this kind of stuff - if they like you, they'll do whatever they have to do to be with you and they'll leave no doubt in your mind.

sligoface

+1 to all that beks said. In the beginning he said he didn't want to pursue something due to sports commitments? Pfffft! Part of the fun of/reason for being an athlete is the girls you get! Sounds like he was never that interested but just enjoyed flirting with you a bit yet was careful not to pursue it due to the mutual family ties, as he knew he couldn't get away with just hit it and quit it. If he really did like you, he'd have made his move ages ago. Move on and kiss someone else this Christmas, sure loads of guys would be happy to, ones who won't mess you around.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I still don't feel much better. I was driving last night and saw him walking up the street with his friends and I actually felt sick. Didn't sleep last night and just have that empty feeling today. I think for my own reasons when I meet him next week I feel like I need to ask him what happened because even if it was something like not being attracted to me or whatever I'd rather know. I know he's not into me for his own reasons but he was the one making all the plans to meet and doing all the texting and the way it ended so quick everytime doesn't make sense.
Is it a bad idea to ask him what happened or why he ended it?!! I was just thinking I'd say how I was confused and upset over everything and maybe two months later our heads might be clearer and he might have some reason.
I will be civil to him as I don't want our family and other friends asking him what happened to make me be rude or cold towards him as we both said what happened between us stayed between us. I just think if I got some closure it may be easier for me to move on. Maybe I'm asking for trouble here am I?!

CaraMay

Don't ask him. That's beneath you. He hasn't treated you very well so just hold your head up high and deal with it. It's over. You have closure now allow yourself to move on by not rehashing the past all the time.

tomthetank

I think that would be a bad idea. It would be giving him the power to make you feel ****ty about yourself again, when you really need to focus on moving on and building up your confidence again. What could he possibly say that would put your mind in a better place than it is now?

You don't have the perspective right now that you will have in a few short months to see that this situation for what it is. Right now all you have for him are feelings of lust and infatuation, mixed with confusion and sadness that he pulled the plug. But with time those feelings will pass and you'll see the situation exactly for what it is. A guy who simply wasn't bothered enough and was never going to give you what you need.

Typer Monkey

And even if you do ask him to humiliatingly list the reasons he didn't want to be with you, he won't tell you the truth anyway. Unless he has zero empathy he'll do what most human beings do and sugar coat the reasons so he won't feel like a horrible person by dumping you AND character assassinating you. So you'll probably get a useless list of platitudes like 'the timing was wrong' 'I just want to be single', basically versions of 'it's not you, it's me'. All you need to accept is that he just wasn't that into you. And why would you want to stay stuck pining for someone who just isn't into you.

You're wasting time stuck there while someone who is into you big time is out there somewhere. Go find him.

'Closure' is over rated. Give it to yourself and accept that this guy just isn't the guy for you. Don't humiliate yourself by asking him why. Like I said above, he won't tell you why anyway

Mighty_Mouse

These things can go either way. Sometimes they turn into blossoming relationships, sometimes them die on the vine. Overall I think you became a little too emotionally invested in a relationship which sounded at best "text casual".

This was a "might of been".
A person in which there's almost enough to make you consider a relationship but something is missing. I reckon he just doesn't feel strong enough towards you. At least not enough to "sacrifice" his sporty active girl chasing mid-20's.

Most people have several "might of been's" throughout life. Little relationships here and there which almost happen. This should not be life changer for you. "Might of been's" hurt a little but should not reek emotional hovoc.

Rejection tastes horrible. It can make you bitter.
Language such as "lead me on", "humiliated" is a little too dramatic for my liking. I think you might now want to punish this guy emotionally by cornering him to investigate what happened: "what changed", "when did it change", "what part of me did you not like", "is there someone else", "am I not pretty enough", "how can you be interested and then suddenly not", "did I say something/do something/cook something", "on Wednesday 12th December 4 pm you put XX at the end of your text message" Why?.........etc etc.

Everybody tastes rejection at some stage. See this for what it was. A small "Might of been" thing which never materialised. A "who know's" different time, different place thing. Suck it for a few days, swallow it and be done. Don't go down the path of bitterness, humiliation, weird mind-games, text games, public rumour mill, hiding under your bed, ducking out of pubs, etc etc.

You cannot make him want you more. It's no big deal. Just the way it goes I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

I must be the biggest eejit in the world. I love this guy and I know I shouldnt. In a moment of weakness this morning I texted him a message saying happy christmas and he replied a few messages before I ended the conversation.

I try to talk sense into friends when they are being like this and I'm normally so black and white about things but this is just different. I've never been this down over a guy before and even if he did want me it would end in disaster so I don't know what I'm at.. I just know for the moment I am pathetic pining after someone that doesn't want me, hoping they will change. This has never been me but I just can't help it. I think I love him and am so angry for feeling this way and spending my Christmas day annoyed for even texting him.

beks101

Don't play your feelings up too much OP. They're there, and they're strong, acknowledge that. But can you really "love" someone who you spent so little real time actually dating, someone who never really went the whole hog with you, someone who was only ever half-there for as long as this "thing" has existed between you both? Someone who never proved himself capable of giving you the things you need, who never expressed that he actually really cared for you?

Lust and infatuation are powerful feelings, and when added to the sort of rejection and 'impossibility' of this guy, they're likely completely clouding your judgement.

You're human, and it's Christmas, a time when you're most likely to feel that bit more lonely or wistful about any guy you have feelings for - especially given the family connection with this guy. Don't beat yourself up for texting him. You did it, and you felt like sh1t all day for it - learn from that next time you're tempted. Remember the ensuing sadness and hopelessness. It's not worth it.

Enjoy these few days as best you can - try to get out with friends and spend some good time with family. I always find that helps to 'centre' me a little and remind me of who I am and how much I'm loved when I'm feeling a bit down about something.

Stay strong and be patient. You won't feel this way about the guy forever, and in a few months you'll think back to these feelings and wonder how you got so tangled up in this guy when he had so little on offer to you.

You'll be grand. Merry Christmas

Matteroffact

He enjoyed the texting and having someone to keep in touch with that fancied him but when it came to meeting up with you he knew that it was all in his mind and that in reality he didn't fancy you. That is the reason he doesn't want to continue on with this. So if you are looking for an explanation then that's it. That is all you need to know so no point in humiliating yourself any by asking him for further explanations. You don't like the idea of being rejected, nobody does and this is why you are feeling so bad. Just because he doesn't fancy you doesn't mean you are not a worthwhile person and that nobody else will fancy you. I have met people whom I fancied and who didn't fancy me but then I have also met others I fancied who reciprocated my feelings so don't give up. There is someone else for you out there so don't waste any more time worrying about this guy. You are a lovely caring person so get that into your head and appreciate yourself a bit more. You don't need to worry about what this guy feels about you when there are plenty more guys out there who will adore you. Happy New Year.

Victoria Fortescue

peachesandlemons wrote: »

I try to talk sense into friends when they are being like this and I'm normally so black and white about things but this is just different.

Its not any different, its just that its your heart that's being trampled on here, not theirs. Its black and white so far as I can see, but that's because I've an outside perspective on it and my feelings aren't involved. Do you see what I'm getting at?

To me it looks like he enjoyed knowing he could have you when he needed it. If you really care for someone and you want it to work out then you find a way of making it work. The efforts to do that are all one sided.

Stop texting this guy, you're only feeding his ego, and leaving that gap of possibility open that he may come back into your life again and make another balls of it. Time to go black and white on yourself op.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.. I definitely won't be texting him again, I felt like such a fool after yesterday. I guess I was trying to make myself believe that he genuinely did like me because that's easier than realising he used me as an ego boost. I find that hard to believe too because he always seemed like the sort of person who was genuine and honest.
How should I play it if I bump into him tonight?! I don't feel like I can have a conversation with him but if he mentions us or brings it up I won't be able to lie. I'm not going to make a scene or anything but I won't pretend things are ok if he asks me. I just want tonight to be over!!

CaraMay

You need to lie and say things are ok because there is no point doing otherwise.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems you are thinking far more deeply on this than he is. I think he did like you. I think he genuinely got on with you, and really enjoyed your company/text exchanges etc... BUT... he didn't feel the same spark that you did. It doesn't make him a bad person. It doesn't mean he strung you along and lied to you. He did try to make something more work with you than just friendship. You can't blame him that the feelings just aren't there.

If you meet him, you don't have to pretend that everything is ok, but you don't have to lay on the guilt and make him feel bad about it. If you are in a group situation you can actually pretty much avoid him. Smile and say hello when you meet, but don't get caught sitting beside him or alone in his company. It really is quite easily done!

It's so difficult when you've fallen hard for someone. But it's not his fault that he doesn't feel the same way. I think he is still texting you out of some guilt, and probably means it to either soften the blow, or because he thinks you can continue as friends. Does he really know the depth of your feelings for him? I'm sure he doesn't realise that you think about him constantly, have lost sleep over him etc...

Here comes the old cliché.. time is a great healer. You'll probably always have a soft spot for this fella, even in any future relationships you might be in, but you have to accept that he doesn't feel strongly enough about you, romantically, to be in a relationship with you.

GreeBo

+1

I've been in this situation, thought we were remaining as friends but she was still holding out for something more, so without knowing it, I was leading her on.

OP have it out with him about how you feel, get it all on the table. Then maybe, in the future you can be just friends.
Otherwise, stop all contact and ignore everything. If you meet him smile and keep moving.

Time will dull your feelings, eventually.

Chefrio

peachesandlemons wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.. I definitely won't be texting him again, I felt like such a fool after yesterday. I guess I was trying to make myself believe that he genuinely did like me because that's easier than realising he used me as an ego boost. I find that hard to believe too because he always seemed like the sort of person who was genuine and honest.
How should I play it if I bump into him tonight?! I don't feel like I can have a conversation with him but if he mentions us or brings it up I won't be able to lie. I'm not going to make a scene or anything but I won't pretend things are ok if he asks me. I just want tonight to be over!!

He didn't do anything wrong, in fact he sounds like a decent guy, he did the honest thing and told you he wasn't interested in being with you. What more do you want? He may like you but he clearly doesn't have strong enough feelings for you to want to be in a relationship with you. Don't let a bruised ego have control over you and allow you to make bad decisions.