Losing my dad

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Hi,
Sorry in advance for such a long rambling post but my heart is breaking and I need some help.

7 years ago, I lost my mom. I was 18, my little brother was just 16. That left me and my brother and my dad. Things were difficult after she died, my brother went off the rails got in with a bad crowd, got in a lot of trouble and was just breaking everyone's heart. I had always been a complete daddy's girl but after she died, I glued myself to his side and people do always comment on how they'd never see my father without me.

When Saturday nights, st Stephens night and New Year's Eve, would be nights all my friends would go out together, they're always the nights i insisted on spending with my dad. I don't mean to sound cliched but my father is without a doubt my best friend and sometimes he's the only person I feel like life is worth tolerating for. He is the most important person in my life.

Last feb he was diagnosed with a tumor on his lung. I will never forget the day we were told, he took it on the chin whereas I cried and cried and cried and although he was the one given the awful news he was the strong one, the one that was trying to make me not hurt when it should have been the other way around.

I had a really hard time coming to terms with my dad being sick and failing before me and i feel like I changed, I became more snappy more angry less tolerant, my brother and I don't really get on so in June I made the decision to move out of home.

This broke my dads heart. He really really didn't want me to leave and he became so upset. Did I listen? No. One day during an argument not long after I moved out, he got upset and told me that every day he prays to god that god will come and take him. My dad would never ever say something like that usually and hearing that chilled me to the bone, I feel so guilty that I made him sad, and that night I cried so much and worked myself into such a state I ended up overdosing, because I just couldn't cope with knowing how unhappy I made him.

In November, he became sick, he got pneumonia and he almost died. He became very confused and very agitated, angry with me and snappy and I've really felt the past few weeks that he's genuinely hated me. He calls for me all day and all night in the hospital, and I feel so bad because people tell me this, nurses, visitors, health care assistants, other patients, that he always calls for me and I feel awful that I'm not always there for him.

On Wednesday I went to visit him. He was super annoyed at me on Wednesday evening and started shouting, I asked him not to shout at me and said if i was annoying him so much id go home and he just stared back at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen, after a while I went back in and he got annoyed again and told me to go home which I did.

On Thursday I missed the visit, didn't get in to see him so on Friday at lunch time a nurse rang and told me to come in straight away that he was very low.

He's raving, he's calling out for our dead dog, my dead auntie, his dead mom and his brother in New York. I am the only one here with him most of the time and now I feel like I am not who he wants and I can't help him see who he wants or help him in any way to feel better.

Tonight his nurse told me he is near the end, that it could be anytime at all. It's breaking my heart seeing him struggle and fight so hard to stay with us and each time he yells out it feels like a kick in the stomach. Both last night and tonight I've been afraid to leave him so have sat in chair next to him holding his hand and rubbing his head, willing him not to be scared.

But it's breaking my heart. He is all I have in the world; my family, my best friend, my advisor, the love of my life, I can't imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love him even if I haven't always shown it. I've gone through this with my mom already but this is so much worse its tearing me apart.

I write this sitting on the stairs outside his ward, sobbing my heart out, so much I can barely breathe. I've had my first panic attack tonight and I cannot see past tonight, what am I going to do when he isn't here anymore? 10 days before Christmas and all. Oh god, I can't bear it.

I don't have a mother to turn to, I don't have grandparents or aunts or uncles or cousins that I'm close to or that live nearby. I'm not on great terms with my brother and I'm not close enough to most of my friends to talk to them. I feel so alone and frightened and I don't know what to do or how to cope, please help me

clairefontaine

I went through nearly the exactly the same thing with my father. My mom was still alive but they divorced so it was really all on me and my brother was off in his world of denial. So yeah I was pretty alone during all of it.

I'm sure you know that all the ranting and the delusions and rage are the illness talking. My dad thought he was in three different countries all in the same hour, sometimes didn't know who I was either.

The nurse is right, time is running out.

Hers what I think you should do. You're not going to want to hear it, it's going to be painful and its going to every ounce of courage you have.

What your dad needs right now I'd permission from you to leave, he needs you to hear that you are ok, that you will be ok, you are all grown up now. And so is your brother. Tell him anything that you might regret not saying. There is no time to waste on anger.

He is scared. Be with him, and reassure him that its ok to go. And you should call your brother ASAP.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I told earlier I loved him for the very first time as an adult, and he said it back, the very first time for him too. That was the most important thing I needed to get out.

I also told him he was my favourite person in the world, my best friend. I'm not sure if he was listening because he didn't say anything back to that.

I can't tell him ill be okay even though I know he would want to know I will be but I honestly don't feel like ill ever be okay again. When he dies, I'll be losing everyone all rolled into one, and I'm not a strong person, I can't even imagine it, it's the most scary thing I've ever dealt with and it just needs to stop. I need him and he cannot die on me, I need him

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

And I hate myself for being so selfish. I am ridiculously selfish, he's dying and I've made it all about me yet again like I did when I moved out when he needed me to stay and when he was diagnosed. I am such a bad person and he deserved a much better daughter than me, but instead he got me and I just feel like I've been such a let down because he deserved the best.

clairefontaine

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I told earlier I loved him for the very first time as an adult, and he said it back, the very first time for him too. That was the most important thing I needed to get out.

I also told him he was my favourite person in the world, my best friend. I'm not sure if he was listening because he didn't say anything back to that.

I can't tell him ill be okay even though I know he would want to know I will be but I honestly don't feel like ill ever be okay again. When he dies, I'll be losing everyone all rolled into one, and I'm not a strong person, I can't even imagine it, it's the most scary thing I've ever dealt with and it just needs to stop. I need him and he cannot die on me, I need him

Look, this is not easy, its not supposed to be, it sucks, no way around that, but you have no time now for self reproach, what you need to do now, is start focusing and all the good he did for you and tell him that. And ask him what you can do for him. Does he want a drink? Does he want pizza? Guiness? Music? Does he want you to read to him, comfort him. If he yells at you, let him, don't storm out. Suck it up. It's the fear talking. This is the hardest part. You have plenty of time to crack up later, for now buckle up.

And CALL YOUR BROTHER.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

He has blocked my calls from his phone but I have sent text messages and have not heard back yet.

clairefontaine

LexieOnRale wrote: »

He has blocked my calls from his phone but I have sent text messages and have not heard back yet.

Ok, maybe have the nurse call him.

joewicklow

I lost my Dad 8 days ago in circumstances very close to your own. The only advice I can give you is for you to put everything aside for now and just be there for him. Keep talking to him and make sure he has everything he needs.

Merkin

Oh you poor love. As above, the shouting and ranting and raving is because of his illness. His talk of his deceased loved ones is also a sign that he is approaching the end. Claire has offered you truly excellent advice and read it again. Death can be a lonely and frightening experience for some so you need to stay strong for his final hours. Make sure he is comfy and hydrated. Rub vaseline on his lips if they are dry, I gave a dying relative some reflexology and they loved it so a foot or head rub might relax him. Hold and stroke his hand and tell him how much you love him and that you don't want to see him suffer anymore. Reassure him that he will soon be with your beloved Mum. Basically allow him and give him the permission to leave you so that he won't be agitated in passing. I know how hard this is my love but your dear Dad will no longer have to suffer, death will be a glorious release for him. Say some prayers with him if you like. Just stay with him girl and please post here anytime, a lot of us have been through this and know how painful it is, you will be fine though. Please absolutely make sure the hospital tell your brother to come in. I'm thinking of you xx

jellyboy

i dont react very often to posts,things, tv news,documentaries etc
when i do ,its to try and "Fix" it

when i read your post i wanted to jump into the screen ,roll up my sleeves and fix it ..
then i thought don't be silly jellyboy ,try to find which hospital and hug her ,bring her home for christmas ..sort it all out ..make it better

The above is all very true ,but its also a very brief insight into what most of us humans are wired for
to care,be compassionate ,empathic to hold and be tender for others we we see ,feel hear touch pain or suffering ..

you and your fathers lives are intertwined from birth and from that day you opened your eyes or were conceived on this little blue dot,you and he began a journey of hope,darkness,love,light,laughter,play and all that this life you and he lived offered you both

Now from your post that journey seems to be ending ..
and it feels like he is wanting it to continue ,bring you along ..

this is his journey ,one that he sails alone
that pain ,hurt ,anger,delirious,are all his expressions of his feeling
Don't carry it for him now or never

its a burden thats not yours

you in my view have and are doing all that you can do ,telling him in an adult way that you love him ..
holding him and expressing that love

remember ,all that you have learned is an expression of him and your mother

your brother is on his own journey and you or anybody else can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do
even though his phone is off ,how about telling him that you love him and understand ? or will try to understand? (or whatever you feel or want to say) by text or mutal friend?

the feelings you are going through and will go through are all normal
and for a time it will feel like being in a boat in the ocean will no sails and a storm blowing
seek support or a grief counsellor to steer that boat in times of tiredness ,grief

After the storm lifts and the sun shines ,you will find that storm has blown you to shore


p.s im not going to jump through the screen or look for you

P. Breathnach

All I can do (and I wish I could do more) is offer you a virtual hug.

Cherish whatever bits of time you get with him, and try to make him feel loved.

Pretzill

I went through similiar with my dad he was raving a lot near the end - it was the illness and the meds - it was traumatic but I only realised how much so after he had passed. Take care of yourself - (another virtual hug) someday hopefully soon you will be able to remember happier times with him - nothing else can be said it's terrible hard.

Stavro Mueller

There's not much to add to the excellent advice the others have given you. Try not to beat yourself up over the things you feel you should or shouldn't have done. It has been a traumatic 10 months for you both and you've been through an awful lot. Bear in mind that through all of this your dad has been terminally ill and not himself. If he had been in a healthier state of mind and body, he might've encouraged you to move out of home and to loosen the apron strings a bit.

When people are ill like your dad is, they're not themselves. I remember my gran, one of the most selfless, level-headed, generous people to have walked this planet became demanding and self-obsessed in the months before she died. There's no way your "well" dad would've behaved in the way he has been doing.

Take things one day at a time - don't make any big decisions or think too far ahead. When your dad's gone, you could well be pleasantly surprised at how nice people can be. Or indeed who's being generous. Don't be afraid to reach out to the people who want to help. Don't be afraid to cry. And if you find things very hard to cope with, there is help out there. Be it the Bereavement forum here or the useful links they have for professional help.

It's a horrible clichéd thing to say but life does go on. I know you're in a very very dark place at the moment but please don't assume that life won't ever get better or that you won't ever love someone else the way you love your dad. Despite what you're thinking at the moment, you're going to be aright. It might not happen immediately but you'll get there in the end. Mind yourself xx

Shakey_jake

Thoughts are with you op, you've been blessed to have a father who loves you, many people will never meet there's. It's a tough time for you, all I can say is stay with him and have no regrets.

Mega huge hug for you x

Legs.Eleven

I'm really sorry for your situation right now, Lexie. I wish I could offer some practical advice but the other posters have covered it, I think.


You know in your heart of hearts your dad loves you and you love him and that's all that matters. Forget about all that happened and concentrate on the love you feel for this man and be there for him. Your his girl and that will never change. No daughter was ever perfect because no human is perfect and we all did things we wished we'd done differently but this does NOT make you a bad person. You're NOT a bad person, you're hurting. You're not selfish, you're just grieving and your human, so forgive yourself and be there for him. Remember the most important thing is that you love each other. That's the ONLY thing that matters.


I know the very last thing I said to my mam as she was getting wheeled out of my house after a stroke was, "I love you" and she mouthed it back and that's one thing I'm so, so grateful for all these years later.

You will be okay although you might not see it now. Massive virtual hug from me, chick and as Claire said, call your brother and put your differences aside at this time because none of that trivial stuff (in the grand scheme of things) matters now.

Tramps Like Us

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I told earlier I loved him for the very first time as an adult, and he said it back, the very first time for him too. That was the most important thing I needed to get out.

I also told him he was my favourite person in the world, my best friend. I'm not sure if he was listening because he didn't say anything back to that.

I can't tell him ill be okay even though I know he would want to know I will be but I honestly don't feel like ill ever be okay again. When he dies, I'll be losing everyone all rolled into one, and I'm not a strong person, I can't even imagine it, it's the most scary thing I've ever dealt with and it just needs to stop. I need him and he cannot die on me, I need him

Tell him anyway.

Get someone to call your brother or use someone elses phone.

Mayboy

Hi, I can't help except say I think you are wonderful. I know this is an awful, sad and painful journey for you. You will be able to do it and you will be able to say goodbye. I'm thinking of you and sending you good wishes.

X

jdsk2006

If i could do anything to stop this happening on you i would. I literally cant see for tears.
Hold him tight xx

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Thanks for all the support guys. I took Claire's advice and last night I told my dad he was a great dad, and we loved him for it but that he can let go any time he wants. I stayed with him last night and he was very very weak, and today his dr decided its best to just start on palative care.

I'm devastated. All night and all day today, I sat with him on my own. Not one text, call or Facebook message from any of my so called friends. I recieved one snap chat from one of my "best friends" of a beer bottle and a smiley face.

And I got a glimpse of what my life will be like from now on. It'll be me there, on my own, with nobody who cares. Just like today was.

Everyone is my friend when things are good but not when I need them.

clairefontaine

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Thanks for all the support guys. I took Claire's advice and last night I told my dad he was a great dad, and we loved him for it but that he can let go any time he wants. I stayed with him last night and he was very very weak, and today his dr decided its best to just start on palative care.

I'm devastated. All night and all day today, I sat with him on my own. Not one text, call or Facebook message from any of my so called friends. I recieved one snap chat from one of my "best friends" of a beer bottle and a smiley face.

And I got a glimpse of what my life will be like from now on. It'll be me there, on my own, with nobody who cares. Just like today was.

Everyone is my friend when things are good but not when I need them.

Be good to yourself. Try to get some sleep. This is an all consuming time that no one should have to bear alone, but sometimes the cookie crumbles this way.

You are about to grow up, and what I mean by that is you will have to parent yourself, in other words, consolations, comforts and validations will all have to come from within, because both sources of unconditional love are gone. Even though your dad is still here, he can't parent you right now, because now you are parenting him. And that is the right order of things.

When you lose a parent your greatest fear is losing the other one, and here is it happening before you.

Does no one care? Maybe. Maybe they don't. Or maybe they don't know what to say or do so they stay clear. But either way, the result is the same, there you are alone and probably exhausted, but the clarity in which you see who your friends are is cold and honest, and there is a gift in that, even if it hurts. You will never forget it.

I'm sure you feel intolerably alone. Is there a social worker or priest or anyone you can talk to?

Janedoe10

I hope u are taking some energy bars in yourself to give yourself some energy or at least some energy drinks . Exhaustion is hard to control when your mind is running 90 to the dozen and you are running on empty .
Your dad is lucky and indeed honoured to have some one as thoughtful as you .
Sadly we find out in times like this who we can turn to and who will be there thick n thin. In h
Keep strong your dad "knows" you are there and that is comfort for him .

KKkitty

Lexie I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't be compelled to feel emotions that aren't right. Cry when you need to, your friends could be afraid to say the wrong thing and are avoiding you because of that and if that's not the case it doesn't matter as your primary concern is your dad. You will find it hard to cope at first but talk to someone if you're finding it hard.

Stavro Mueller

Oh you poor thing. What a terrible ordeal to have to go through all on your own. Has anyone gotten in touch with your brother? Are any relatives coming to visit?

As the others have pointed out, it could be that your friends aren't sure what to do. Most 25 year olds haven't yet had to deal with sick parents, let alone dying ones. Don't write them off completely - you could yet be surprised. Maybe your friend sending you that Snapchat was her way of saying Hi, albeit in a ham-fisted way?

Take every hour as it comes. Look after yourself and try to eat properly if you can. I know you're not going to be sleeping much but if you can get any rest at all, try. Most importantly, make sure that anything that you feel you need to say to your dad you say to him.

Now is not the time to be looking at your life beyond this but please please don't write off your future. It's never too late to make new friends, meet someone nice, maybe have a family of your own etc. Your life as you know it has ended up your life hasn't ended if you know what I mean?

jdsk2006

Your facing one of lifes cruel blows, and you need a shoulder to lean on a bit. Is there even one friend or relative that you can reach out to? People often feel they are intruding and are only waiting to be invited in

Teyla Emmagan

I'm so sorry Lexie, I hope you're okay. This is a horrific experience to have to deal with, so don't be hard on yourself. Of course you are scared. Of course you are looking towards those who could give you support now but who aren't. Don't be too hard on them though, they may simply not know what to do.

All I can tell you is that you're not alone and there is help if you go looking for it. Hospitals are used to dealing with this. Say that you need help and reach out to whoever comes to give it. And if it's not what you need, ask for somebody else. Don't feel selfish right now, because right now you probably need other people's support more than you ever did.

Make someone get through to your brother, you need him and he needs this too. He won't forgive himself if he's not there in the long run.

I hope your Dad's last days are as peaceful as possible. He sounds like a wonderful man, and you've obviously had an amazing relationship. Stick in there, and hold onto that. And don't be afraid, if you can. And smile, smile at this wonderful man who has given you so much love and made you the person you are today. A person who can deal with this.

And PM me if I can do anything for you.

December2012

When your father dies, you will live on, and you will, after a time, figure out a way to carry on.

Your dad has already showed you how to do this when you lost your mother.

There are grief counsellors who will help you.

Re your friends, I think you're being unfair. You say your dad is the closest person to you, and you spent your free time with him. You also say that you're not close enough to them to tell them how you're feeling. I don't think that's anybody's fault, it's just the way it is.

When I was in your situation my freinds still had their own lives; I was not their priority - that's ok and doesn't change our friendship.

Can you open up to one of them? People usually want to help but don't know how.

Merkin

Did you manage to make contact with your brother Lexie?

Legs.Eleven

You say you won't survive all this but you are already doing that now. You will get through all this.



Is there no one at all you can contact to be with you now?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Made contact with my brother he was fine in the ward but as soon as my dad was wheeled out of the ward down to palative care my brother lost it, and left. He doesn't seem to be able to be around my dad when he's like this. He's practical in that "I must do the shopping there's no food in the house" ect.

There is nobody else I can call. I was talking to my friend there she will come over to see me tomorrow

December2012

Well if you're allowed to under the charter and if you feel upto it then keep posting here.

We're anonymous but we are here

Pretzill

Lexie you are going through the toughest of times - and when a loved one is dying even if there are friends and family around it is still a very lonely time - every sibling or relative dealing with their own feelings of dread, loss, regret and sadness.

Perhaps your friends don't know how to approach it with you - I know when I was going through it with my lovely dad I just felt numb friends may have tried to help but it didn't help ease the reality. I know when it came to his care the social workers/chaplain and palliative care team did a lot to ease mind. Hopefully you can find someone even within your dad's care team to talk to.

And as others have said if you want to talk pm - but take care of yourself.

malaika

Bear hugs to you OP. Having worked in care homes, the thing that most people fear when the end is near, is going to hell. It is hard to miss what reigns religion has had in this country for centuries. What I used to tell them is, since God is said to have created you in his own image, (am a non christian foreigner btw) sending you to hell would equal sending him/herself to hell. It doesn't make sense. There is nothing to fear. You walked this earth through its ups and downs like a soldier, and it is time to do the same in death. Don't let anyone take your last salute from you. You've earned it. That always gave them indescribable peace.

Chara1001

I'm so sorry Lexie,
I've been thinking of you today, your Dad sounds like a fantastic dad, and you sound like a fantastic daughter.
I don't think I can give you much in the way of helpful advice, but please take care of yourself and don't think too far into the future- just minute by minute and hour by hour.

Don't be too hard on your friends, you could easily find they want to give you private time right now but come through for you later

Virtual hug xxx

samina

Oh Lexie It's so so hard and nothing I can say will make it easier but I just wanted to send you some love and assure you will get through this and be proud of how your there for your dad xxx

KKkitty

My dad died before my mam and it was a sudden death. Even all the time in the world can't prepare you for what lies ahead though. You need to deal with stuff in your own time on your own terms. Really hope you're going to be ok but I think you will as you're doing great so far.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

When your father dies, you will live on, and you will, after a time, figure out a way to carry on.

Your dad has already showed you how to do this when you lost your mother.

There are grief counsellors who will help you.

Re your friends, I think you're being unfair. You say your dad is the closest person to you, and you spent your free time with him. You also say that you're not close enough to them to tell them how you're feeling. I don't think that's anybody's fault, it's just the way it is.

When I was in your situation my freinds still had their own lives; I was not their priority - that's ok and doesn't change our friendship.

Can you open up to one of them? People usually want to help but don't know how.

I can't echo this post enough. My Dad is sick, not dreadfully at the moment, but he has aged about ten years in the space of ten months, and the prognosis is another year at best.

I have to agree that you are being unfair towards your friends - and I say that as someone who just could not tell anyone but my very closest friends for ages how my Dad went from being so active to being so frail in the space of months. Not to mention the looming prognosis (there is no cure for his illness). I think you have to let your friends in, despite whatever ham fisted attempt they might make at keeping in touch! I found it way easier to talk to friends who had lost a parent / were like me, knowing that it is absolutely on the cards. I personally find it incredibly difficult not to rail against the platitudes 'oh isn't he going well now' 'sure isn't he improving' 'god will be good' - you know what, no, no, and no to all of those. All untrue. But I've finally realised that sometimes people are trying to comfort you and be there for you - but they just genuinely do not know what to say. And I have to admit to being like that untill I was faced with the knowledge that my Dad is sick, and will never get better, and we have a very limited time left as a family. I know when the inevitable happens, I'll be so glad of my friends.

I'm not being cricital of you in any way - I'm only months behind your situation - but I would say that you just have to take it on the chin if your Dad is yelling and upset. Please please don't walk out of the room. And your friends are probably stuck trying to know what to say - or whether they should say anything. I know a very close friend of mine only occasionally asks after my Dad, but I know she hasn't forgotten him or me - she has never been in this situation with any family, so I guess it's easier for her to not focus on it. But I know when the worst happens, she'll be there for me with bells on (possibly after a couple of weeks of not knowing what to do with me!).

It sounds like you are doing all the right things with your Dad, maybe just let people in a wee bit more. I can't say anything to make it better, but I hope you know that there are many people in your situation, who would be happy (if that's not the wrong word) to talk to you - whether here or your friends, relatives and colleagues. You'd be amazed at how people come through for you - even the least expected ones. Actually in my experience, the most unexpected ones - even after I shut them out for ages.

I don't believe in god, but what I do believe in is that your Dad will live on forever in your thoughts - and what better way to have lived a life, that you would live on in someone's heart and thoughts and happy memories forever.

Take care of yourself, and let your Dad go peacefully, in the knowledge that whatever he says and pain he is in, you simply love him.

ivytwine

Nothing to add to the fantastic advice already here.

Just to say I have always thought from your posts that you sound like a fantastic person, and you are a great daughter. Your father knows that he has a daughter who adores him.

Sending you a hug xxxxx

Merkin

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Made contact with my brother he was fine in the ward but as soon as my dad was wheeled out of the ward down to palative care my brother lost it, and left. He doesn't seem to be able to be around my dad when he's like this. He's practical in that "I must do the shopping there's no food in the house" ect.

There is nobody else I can call. I was talking to my friend there she will come over to see me tomorrow

I was really relieved to hear that you tracked your brother down. I wouldn't worry too much about his way of coping with this. Some people get very emotional and others deal with a situation like this in a very practical way, like getting the groceries in etc. He will be experiencing the same pain.

It is a really positive step that your dear Dad is having palliative care - the nurses and doctors working in this field are enormously kind and compassionate and will ensure that your Dad won't be in any kind of pain.

If you feel you need to reach out to a person (and I think your friends may just be a little immature and this type of thing is simply beyond their reach - they might not know what to say/how to support you) then maybe talk to one of the nurses in palliative care when they have a quiet moment and they should be able to arrange for a hospital chaplain to come and see you. Even if you are an atheist, these amazing people have such a wealth of experience and will be happy to talk things through with you. It's good to talk and it's important to share the burden Lexie so it would be worth reaching out like this.

I've been thinking about you a lot. I think you're very brave and you should be proud of what a wonderful daughter you are xx

ibarelycare

I'm so sorry Lexie, I wish there was something any of us could do to help. I'm glad you have reached out to both your brother and a friend. Don't be afraid to reach out to others. Your family is in my thoughts.

clairefontaine

Hi Lexieonrale,

There are a few uncomfortable things to consider, of a practical nature but Important nonetheless. They may even help you get through this a little better because they will give you some control, or illusion of it.

It's good that he is being moved into palliative care. Have they given you a time frame for this?

Have you discussed DNR forms with your father? I ask because when my da was in the hospital he had three heart attacks due to the cancer drugs, and he was also out of it mentally so I had to assess how compus mentus he was in understanding what a DNR was and what you would both be in if one was or wasnt or signed. Have you been designated healthcare proxy or next of kin?

Also, some hospitals will organise a "cocktail" of morphine to make the transition easier.

If there is life insurance, get the details now, if you do not have he money to cover a funeral expense, which can be heavy and funeral homes an be exploitative.

I know one likes to mention these ugly details but they are crucial.

Hang in there, you are very brave, it takes guts to go into a hospital room and say those words to a parent, true courage to put on a brave face and be strong for your parent. Be proud of yourself.

One thing that helped me was doing things. I decorated the hospital room with Christmas decorations. I also snuck in his favourite foods and some guiness even though he was a 20 year recovered alcoholic. I even offered him pot, which he didn't want. It seemed to help in some small way.

What about your dads friends? Maybe they will come and sit with you? See him? Talk to you? Take you out for soup?

ABajaninCork

I have nothing more to add to the fantastic advice already on here. But I wanted you to know I'll say a prayer for you and your Dad tonight.

And remember - As long as you're alive, then so is he.

Big hugs xxx

GreeBo

Very sorry to hear about your situation lexi, I lost my dad two years ago just last week. As a guy I found it hard to come to terms with his illness, he had Alzheimer's and within a year became a stranger to all of us. Don't be too hard on your brother and the way he is coping, I was quite similar in my response, especially if he is not very close to his dad. He will be experiencing very confusing emotions right now and will also probably be quite scared.


All the best, you sound like you are a great person dealing very well with a crappy situation.

AlanS181824

I cannot possibly say anything to help you as it's all been already said by the great posters above me.

What I can send however is a hug and to let you know you're in my prayers.

Hope you get through this.

Neyite

Thread closed at Op's request