My OH Wants to meet my distant parents

LegacyUser

So a bit of backstory here. Im in my mid twenties and am fairly distant from my parents, I dont get on with my mother particularly for quite a lot of reasons. Shes just not a very nice person to be around - especially with a few drinks. I see them maybe 3 times a year and they know nothing about my life really.

Ive been going out with my OH almost 10 months now, shes great and we have no issues except this one. I have met her family and her friends and she has met all of my close friends, housemates and even a cousin or 2. Lately - coming up to christmas ,she has been pressuring me about meeting my parents. I have tried to explain to her that even I dont like talking to them but she feels hurt that I wont introduce her. They dont even know she exists and I dont like them knowing anything about my life. How can I convey how much this is not on the table to her ?

R.D. aka MR.D

i'm not at all close to my parents and i hate them knowing anything about my life. I usually don't tell them about who i'm seeing until it's absolutely necessary. I'd been seeing my current OH for a year and living with him before they knew he even existed.

Have you never introduced a girlfriend before?
I can see her point of view because i think a lot of people don't understand how difficult some parents can be. I've always told my OH that it is because i want my privacy. He knew that i loved him in every way and wasn't ashamed of him. Is your girlfriend worried that you are ashamed of her?

I would also ask you, what's more important? Keeping your girlfriend happy or keeping the distance with your parents? A quick introduction might save you a lot of heart ache.

Sleepy

It's such a "normal" step in getting to know someone that honestly I don't think there's any getting out of it. Warn her in advance what they're like and explain that your reluctance to introduce them comes from the fact you're embarrassed of them rather than her but if it's something she really wants, you'll arrange it.

Worst case scenario is that they make a show of themselves in front of your girlfriend, who you've already warned in advance about their possible behaviour and she ends up understanding you better. What harm is there in that?

Merkin

If she is insistent upon it then you simply coordinate a fleeting visit of about ten minutes in duration. If you don't have a relationship with them then sitting down in a formal manner with the best china and some pastries will be contrived, farcical and uncomfortable for all involved.

Phone your parents and say you need to pick something up from their home/drop a Christmas present off. Drive around, pop in for ten minutes, make a fleeting introduction, and then exit stage left. It will hopefully remove the bee from your girlfriend's bonnet and not give your parents enough time to misbehave or garner too much information from such a brief rendezvous.

December2012

I'm guessing she wants it because it's a stage in a relationship that indicates things are serious.

Have you told her why you are distant from them? Are you serous about your girlfriend?

Maybe you could deal with it by giving her reassurance that if you had normal parents you would be introducing her, but you don't and the only reason she's not meeting them is because of them and not her.

If you're in touch with them anyway, for even short times, just have her with you when you do that.

Chucky the tree

Simply tell her you don't want to meet them, explain why and then leave it at that. I certainly wouldn't allow yourself to be bullied into having her meet them.

AnonMouse

If your girlfriend respects you at all, she will understand why you don't want to introduce her to your parents, and accept your decision.

clairefontaine

It's hard for people who have reasonably normal parents to understand just how pernicious and evil someone else's can be. I have fallen for this pressure before, and boy have they lived to regret it. Ignoring my warnings, and pressuring more, especially as my mother can be very charming, and make me look like the unreasonable cruel one for shutting her out, until wham, one day the destructive toxic fog makes its way in and then they learn the hard way, but by then its too late.

Stand your ground OP on his one, tell her she doesn't have to understand, but she has to accept it.

Toast4532

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Simply tell her you don't want to meet them, explain why and then leave it at that. I certainly wouldn't allow yourself to be bullied into having her meet them.

AnonMouse wrote: »

If your girlfriend respects you at all, she will understand why you don't want to introduce her to your parents, and accept your decision.

I agree with these posts.

My boyfriend's doesn't see his mother and although I know why he doesn't, I have never, ever asked to meet her, or pressurised him into telling her about me, or suggested that I meet her. I know that would cause massive stress and aggregation for my boyfriend and I would never put him in such a position. And if the situation was reversed, I know he would do the same for me.

Personally I believe your girlfriend is being selfish and should accept your decision and reason and not pressure you into arranging a meeting with her and your parents.

If you give in to her now, and she meets them. Will she act like this in future if she wants to get her own way?