Friends have dropped me

LegacyUser

I posted here a couple of months ago, i fell out with one of my closest friends and decided it would be better to end the friendship, i felt like he would belittle and bully me subtly sometimes, we had fallen out about it a couple of times before, and i found it too hurtful when that happened and thought it would be better for all if we cut contact. We have mutual friends so i did not speak to them about this because i dont want to bitch about him.
Since this has happened all of my friendships seem to have fallen apart. Everyone has put a distance between me, and from the outside it looks like they've taken his side. I didnt think that taking sides would have had to happen, that they could have remained friends with both of us.
I cant sleep or eat. I am utterly heartbroken and devastated, i am sick to my stomach. Im in my mid-twenties. I did not see something like this coming i cant even wrap my head around it. Where do i go from here? I feel like i am really at rock bottom here.

Taltos

Actually the good news is you have really learnt who your friends are. Instead of seeing this as an horrific experience see it as a positive - this is your chance to move forward without "mates" who really are not there for you. Look into some activities in your area and try to get out and just meet new people, don't go out trying to make friends - just go out, have new experiences and have fun.

Who knows in a few months you might well see some of these friends start to come back around but to be blunt I would not bet on it. There could be a variety of reasons they have put this space between you. If you really wanted you could reach out to one or two to ask what has happened but sometimes it is best to just accept their choices but instead of letting it get you down see it for the opportunity it is - a chance to redefine yourself and make new friends without the years of baggage old friendships sometimes bring.

Merkin

They weren't your real friends to start with if they dropped you like that hon. Concentrate on your own happiness and pursuing new social activities and you will make new friends.

LegacyUser

If they are willing to take such a strong position without even asking for your side of the story, you shouldn't take their opinion seriously. It's clear where their loyalties lie and you don't need these people in your life.

Balaclava1991

Quietusername8162 wrote: »

I posted here a couple of months ago, i fell out with one of my closest friends and decided it would be better to end the friendship, i felt like he would belittle and bully me subtly sometimes, we had fallen out about it a couple of times before, and i found it too hurtful when that happened and thought it would be better for all if we cut contact. We have mutual friends so i did not speak to them about this because i dont want to bitch about him.
Since this has happened all of my friendships seem to have fallen apart. Everyone has put a distance between me, and from the outside it looks like they've taken his side. I didnt think that taking sides would have had to happen, that they could have remained friends with both of us.
I cant sleep or eat. I am utterly heartbroken and devastated, i am sick to my stomach. Im in my mid-twenties. I did not see something like this coming i cant even wrap my head around it. Where do i go from here? I feel like i am really at rock bottom here.

Why don't you contact each of your friends in turn and explain your side of the story? Your former friend obviously has turned your friends against you because he did precisely what you did not want to do - he bitched about you to your friends and it worked. He has belittled and bullied you even more by destroying your social life. You have to fight back and get your side of the story across. If they ever were your real friends in the first place they will have renewed their friendships with you once they hear the truth and they will give this guy the cold shoulder.
Arrange to quietly meet each of your friends one to one - without the peer pressure of their other friends and without your enemy getting wind and trying to sabotage you - and give them the low down.
Most important tell none of them that you have meet their other friends and at the same time tell each of them not to tell the others what you told each of them individually so word will not get back in time to your enemy for him to twig what is going on.
Once you have won them all over individually then arrange to meet all of them for a night out and make sure your enemy - he is not your friend anymore - is not invited or doesn't know what is happening.
If he turns up confront you - if some of your friends have opened their mouths - confront him about what he did to you and if your friends are real friends they will back you up this time and you can all tell him to find himself a new social circle.

herisson

Op the exact same thing happened to me a few weeks ago.

I'm not talking to any of them at all. It's hard and very hurtful. But I learned who my true friends are. And they were not them.

I still feel really down about but honestly, I think it was for the best.

Op dont let it get to you. If he was belittling you and all of them picked his side then you are better off. You don't need people like that in your life. You will make better friends

Hope you are ok.

LegacyUser

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

Why don't you contact each of your friends in turn and explain your side of the story? Your former friend obviously has turned your friends against you because he did precisely what you did not want to do - he bitched about you to your friends and it worked. He has belittled and bullied you even more by destroying your social life. You have to fight back and get your side of the story across. If they ever were your real friends in the first place they will have renewed their friendships with you once they hear the truth and they will give this guy the cold shoulder.
Arrange to quietly meet each of your friends one to one - without the peer pressure of their other friends and without your enemy getting wind and trying to sabotage you - and give them the low down.
Most important tell none of them that you have meet their other friends and at the same time tell each of them not to tell the others what you told each of them individually so word will not get back in time to your enemy for him to twig what is going on.
Once you have won them all over individually then arrange to meet all of them for a night out and make sure your enemy - he is not your friend anymore - is not invited or doesn't know what is happening.
If he turns up confront you - if some of your friends have opened their mouths - confront him about what he did to you and if your friends are real friends they will back you up this time and you can all tell him to find himself a new social circle.

I'm not sure this is a great idea, seems a bit vindictive and probably would not pan out as planned.

My advice would be jut to move on and forget about these people. They're not your friends any more, if they were they would not have dropped you like that.

It wont be easy but its time to put yourself out there and try and meet new people.

LegacyUser

Hi there. It's the OP again. I just wanted to say thank you again for your advice and support. The hurt is unbelievable. I feel so low and bewildered by the whole thing, I honestly thought these people were friends for life, but to not even ask for my side of the story and to just drop me like that. I cannot. I cannot even wrap my head around it. Even if they came around now the hurt is so much I don't know how to come back from it.
Has anyone any advice who has been through this? What did they do to meet new people? What kind of things did they join? If I could stop feeling so utterly sick and heartbroken in myself. I don't even feel like I could face going out just yet, but even for the future if anyone has any advice or suggestions?
Again, thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and your taking the time to reply. It really means a lot to me.

username123

The other people may simply be staying out of it as opposed to taking sides. They might be waiting for the dust to settle and not want to be seen supporting one side or another, so no need to write them off just yet.

As for meeting new people, lots of ways, join exercise groups, take evening classes, join a group of something that interests you (a hobby), go to things like boards meet ups, take people up on social invites even if it sounds a bit dull it's a way to meet new people, join a film club or book club, do stuff in your community, get active with local groups who want to clean the place up etc...

What is happening sucks but experience tells me it's not as widespread as it now appears and the ones who really have dropped you were not friends of yours anyway.

ivytwine

I've been there OP. I think I remember your first thread on this and the parallels between what happened to you and what happened to me were quite startling, if you are the poster I'm thinking of.

When this happened to me I was in my final year in college. I'm in no way ashamed to say I went to the college counsellor over it. It might sound dramatic but I felt so rotten. I was going anyway for anxiety issues but the counsellor helped me see that I was being bullied. The 'banter' (how I loathe that word) was not innocent, it was subtle, it was cruel and designed to put me down.

I was lucky in a way because some of the friends did stick by me, not all of them migrated with him. I also had a few friends in college who were not part of the group, I mean literally like one or two. And I had my friends from home who always have been there for me and still are.

And even the smallest kindnesses meant so much, it was crazy. I remember being at one of the lads' 21st, worst night out of my life, I was totally ostracised. So I stuck with my classmates and one of the group, one who never cared what anyone thought, came up to me when one of our favourite artists came on and made me dance. Meant so much for such a little thing when I felt so ****.

So here's what I think you should do. If you can talk to someone about this, whether it's a counsellor or an aunt or anyone, do so. Rant and rave and get it all out. Write it down. Get it out.

Then have a think. I'm sure you're not totally friendless by any means, you sound like a great person. And remember it's REALLY not about the amount of friends you have, but the quality of those. I've never been part of a big clique like that since but I'm ok with this, because the friends I have are genuine.

If you are in college or working then keep busy with it, it will distract you. As well as that if you're in college join some socs and clubs or if you're out then join a few meet-ups. My final year was crap in lots of ways, but I actually think directly due to this person forcing me to stay in more I got an A1 in my dissertation! I also joined a society he called 'sad' and probably wouldn't have if we were still friends and had a great time with them.

Another upside is you become a really sharp judge of character and it's quite freeing. You've been to the lows, nothing can be so bad as feeling like you're friendless. I've been really independent since. And I've recently met a person who's manipulative like my ex-friend and I have their number spotted before they even begun.

Sorry for the length and I hope some of this helps x

Littlelulu13

+1 for counselling. Its such a hush hush thing here and I have no idea why. I went and old friends came up in the discussions. After 3 sessions I was able to forget those friends that I had been so caught up in and not only that but when i parted ways with other friends that i would have considered close afterwards i didn't even think twice about them. I wasn't upset, angry or anything. I just closed that chapter and moved onto the next. If I hadn't done counselling I would be experiencing exactly what you are now.

LegacyUser

I just want to say thank you everyone for your support and advice in particular ivytwine, thank you so much.
I'm actually in counselling at the moment, will just have to get through this and ride it out. I'll keep referring back to this thread and all your kind advice.
Again, thank your everyone. X

singsong321

Although this situation is difficult on you, in the long run it can only make you stronger. Sometimes it takes a situation, like the one you have described, to test where cracks lie in relationships. It is possible that the story your "friends" heard was one-sided, as you stated your reluctance to discuss why you ended it. This might explain why they have been avoiding you. I don't think anything can be done now. If they were true friends they would have taken into account your feelings too, regardless of lack of information. Don't give up!

ivytwine

Quietusername8162 wrote: »

I just want to say thank you everyone for your support and advice in particular ivytwine, thank you so much.
I'm actually in counselling at the moment, will just have to get through this and ride it out. I'll keep referring back to this thread and all your kind advice.
Again, thank your everyone. X

You're welcome my friend, I hope you are feeling better. The road will be hard but you'll get there. Hope you had a happy Christmas x

LegacyUser

It happened me in March that I fell out with my best friends girlfriend who I felt would always be a friend for life and she is how I got to know the lad who is now my best friend in the first place.

I've known them for the last 8 years and when I fell out with her he immediately took her side (as is understandable ) even without hearing why we really fell out in the first place. To this day I believe I did nothing wrong but losing one of my good friends was one of the roughest things that I went through. Although he said he wouldn't take sides in the argument I felt as if He had and that I had lost two of my best friends. He later apologised that weekend for jumping to conclusions and said that he knew I hadn't done wrong. Bear in mind that all this time I really felt down- really down , let down, unknown in the sense that I expected that he would've known the real me and that I wasn't the cause of the argument.

Just last week she came back and apologised for everything she said and did back in March and that she was wrong. I had screen shot the messages she txt me scathing me back then - I don't really know why and was maybe petty. but about a fortnight ago I came across them again and re read the whole conversation. In the light of day or time heals all, whichever way ya want to look at it , it wasn't that bad and things were blown out of proportion. I've gotten over the whole thing and so has she. Things are back to normal and really I never did lose my best friend but the whole thing made me realise who my real real friends were and although it was a horrible situation for him to be in between his friend and his girlfriend I can genuinely say that I have realised he'll be a friend for life.

Yes it's different to your situation but hopefully time will heal the rift and if not then they weren't real friends in the first place !! It was really rough and got me down in March- took me a long time to get over the whole thing but it came right in the end and I didn't actually lose what I thought I had. Sorry if the posts a bit confusion but hopefully ya get my drift

Underthesea86

Hi, its the op here. This is going to be a bit of a long one...
Ive been moving on with my life, I've learned how to drive and have been becoming more active, and I'm doing really, really well in college. I am making progress since all of this has happened which is great. I also have a couple of friends that have been really good to me following this, so I know what a true friend is, and they are an absolute blessing.

But I dont speak about this to them anymore, its just too much.
Im having a bit of a bad weekend at the moment and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I feel desperately sad at the moment and hurt over what happened and feel an awful sense of injustice. I cant believe they thought so little of me. There was a larger group of us, about, but the three i was closest to have cut me, they would have been my core group of friends.
Over christmas, one texted me to ask what was going on because I left a night out early, the last night I saw them all. I had kind of invited myself along, and basically from hearing their conversations they had all been meeting up and talking to each other, while i had gone for weeks without hearing anything from them, torn up over what was happening, it was the straw that broke the camels back i think.

Prior to all of this happening i would have been included in this stuff. So i wrote back and explained, as diplomatically as possible that i had felt quite sidelined recently since the falling out with the male friend I cut contact with, and that it had gotten to me that night. She didn't write back for nearly a week, and fobbed me off when she did respond. I then saw on facebook that they had all gone away for new years, to a place we all used to go to as a yearly tradition.
Not one of them turned around to get in contact with me or question their own actions, or try to see where I was coming from. I literally heard nothing from any of them.
I was so sick and hurt about this I blocked them on all social media and took myself off for a while, they had put photos up as if I had never existed and it was just too much. That girl who sent the initial text then sent a really attacking text message to me, close on 3 weeks later, telling me I was creating drama when there wasn't any, that this was my fault, that I needed to sort myself out.
I want to say at this stage I had approached them all (weeks prior to all of this coming to a head) and asked them directly was there an issue, and was it related to my falling out with the male friend. All said there wasn't, but I felt like I was still being phased out. Sorry-I was being phased out.
I responded to the girl and told her that she had fobbed me off all over christmas, and this was something that could've been resolved weeks ago when I initially explained where i was coming from, and at this stage I did not want contact from her anymore.
She responded and told me she thought I was a horrible person.

I have looked at my behaviour throughout all of this, and examined myself and judged myself. I really have, and when i am wrong, i am the first person to admit it. I feel after all of this that my confidence is on the floor, i feel incredibly used. One of the girls used to live with me on very cheap rent, and i feel like she had been cutting me out for months and months prior to this, which has confounded the whole issue. She would be a friend and be chatty toward me when it suited her, but only when it suited her. It went on for so long and was so gradual, its only now that its all over i see how much I put up with from her. It was sheer power play and bully tactics and she had me exactly where she wanted me. I wont let that happen to me ever again.
I don't know how to ever trust anyone after this. I am also angry about all of this, I am a good and loyal and giving person, i am quite self-aware, and I think that I deserved better than this treatment. I also don't think i deserved such a cutting and personal attack, she just absolutely refused to take on anything of where I was coming from-she actually completely ignored it-and went on the defensive, putting the entire blame on me.
Has anyone been through something like this? I am in my mid to late twenties- not in school any more. Although from this post you would think it. It hurts me so much to think that they're all carrying on with their lives, and not having to deal with the damage and hurt they've caused, that they can just throw someone away after so many years of good friendship. My life has completely changed over night. And over what? I stood up for myself with someone who overstepped the mark with me one too many times. But I didn't involve them in it. I just cant get my head around this all. How does anyone get past this?
Sorry I know this was long. I just needed to get it off my chest.

alias06

Taltos wrote: »

Actually the good news is you have really learnt who your friends are. Instead of seeing this as an horrific experience see it as a positive - this is your chance to move forward without "mates" who really are not there for you. Look into some activities in your area and try to get out and just meet new people, don't go out trying to make friends - just go out, have new experiences and have fun.

Who knows in a few months you might well see some of these friends start to come back around but to be blunt I would not bet on it. There could be a variety of reasons they have put this space between you. If you really wanted you could reach out to one or two to ask what has happened but sometimes it is best to just accept their choices but instead of letting it get you down see it for the opportunity it is - a chance to redefine yourself and make new friends without the years of baggage old friendships sometimes bring.

Great post. And OP be glad you are learning this now. A lot people discover who their real friends are after a long stay in hospital. The ones who come to visit are the ones you can count on. Its a valuable lesson. See it as a gift you are learning this now rather than wasting more time on them.

cloudatlas

Bullying can be quite personal. Obviously your friends have a different experience of this guy and he hasn't treated them the same way he treated you. You can't expect people to stop being friends with someone just because you no longer like them. I was badly treated by a friend. I wanted to remain friends with another girl but I knew that she was close with the friend I fell out with. It was clear to me that I couldn't continue the friendship as I couldn't ask the second girl to exclude the friend I fell out with. After all I was the one who was treated badly not her.

That's just the way it is. The one who ends a relationship sometimes is seen as the 'aggressor' because they do something that is very publicly demonstrative of their feelings whereas the bully is very subtle. I'm sure you were justified in ending the friendship but you shouldn't drag other people into it. Wash your hands of these people and get new better friends.

Underthesea86

cloudatlas wrote: »

Bullying can be quite personal. Obviously your friends have a different experience of this guy and he hasn't treated them the same way he treated you. You can't expect people to stop being friends with someone just because you no longer like them. I was badly treated by a friend. I wanted to remain friends with another girl but I knew that she was close with the friend I fell out with. It was clear to me that I couldn't continue the friendship as I couldn't ask the second girl to exclude the friend I fell out with. After all I was the one who was treated badly not her.

That's just the way it is. The one who ends a relationship sometimes is seen as the 'aggressor' because they do something that is very publicly demonstrative of their feelings whereas the bully is very subtle. I'm sure you were justified in ending the friendship but you shouldn't drag other people into it. Wash your hands of these people and get new better friends.

Hi cloudatlas,
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. I think you might have misread me somewhere along the lines though, I never expected any of them to get involved, and in fact I specifically indicated to them when they brought it up that it wasnt something i was going to involve them in, and that what happened was between myself and him and that i had my reasons for it. That being said if he wanted to discuss it with them he was free to do so, but im not into storytelling and dragging people into negative stuff particularly among mutual friends so i kept quiet about the whole thing.

LegacyUser

OP: I couldn't possibly empathise with you more as I have fallen victim to the same behavior.

A former friend, to whom I was undoubtedly close, started to avoid me, for no clear reason of which I was aware. When I confronted my former friend as to why I was being avoided, my friend exploded in a rage and told me that I was no longer wanted.

In time, all of our mutual friends moved away from me: I was unfriended / unfollowed on facebook / twitter, avoided in the street by those who previously would have stopped and chatted, shunned at chance meetings in shared haunts. Text messages and emails that I had sent were left unreplied and, again on social media, I saw photos of my former friend and all of our mutual friends at house parties to which I wasn't invited...all of this happened overnight.

Being ostracised by entire group of people, for no clear, discernible reason is one of the most emotionally stressful and damaging experiences that anyone can go through: you lose an enormous amount of self- confidence and you lose the ability to trust other people. It is a horrible, horrible experience to go through that I would not wish on anyone.

While it has been undoubtedly tough for me to form new friendships with people and to trust other people, I do take solace in the fact that- as other posters have already mentioned- I found out exactly who my friends were and who my friends weren't; the people with whom I regularly socialised and whom I cared about were not my friends: they didn't care about me and their careless behavior towards me was enough to confirm that fact.

The best advice that I can give you, OP, is to discover new hobbies: hill walking, cinema going, book clubs...any place where there are new, like- minded people who you can meet. It will do wonders for your self- confidence.

Best of luck and stay positive.

cloudatlas

Underthesea86 wrote: »

Hi cloudatlas,
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. I think you might have misread me somewhere along the lines though, I never expected any of them to get involved, and in fact I specifically indicated to them when they brought it up that it wasnt something i was going to involve them in, and that what happened was between myself and him and that i had my reasons for it. That being said if he wanted to discuss it with them he was free to do so, but im not into storytelling and dragging people into negative stuff particularly among mutual friends so i kept quiet about the whole thing.

Well that's good but they are involved whether you like it or not. They can't invite the two of you out together on a night out, they have to choose and since you are the one who ended the friendship they are going to choose him, can you not see that?

alias06

cloudatlas wrote: »

Well that's good but they are involved whether you like it or not. They can't invite the two of you out together on a night out, they have to choose and since you are the one who ended the friendship they are going to choose him, can you not see that?

Exactly. I went through the exact same thing with one guy that was always putting me down and being nasty to me. I ended the friendship. I realised that mutual friends would have to go as well and in the long run this was for the best. If they couldn't see what an asshole he was then they were welcome to him. I ditched the whole lot of them and moved on. A difficult thing to do at the time. I can totally identify with that sick feeling in your stomach as you remember all the good things you did for them, the favours, the gifts, the times you were there for them. It still had to be done and I don't regret it in the slightest. My biggest regret is I didn't do it sooner.

Underthesea86

cloudatlas wrote: »

Well that's good but they are involved whether you like it or not. They can't invite the two of you out together on a night out, they have to choose and since you are the one who ended the friendship they are going to choose him, can you not see that?

Im afraid I cant see that, no. People have fallings out all the time, but i think there can always be compromise, sides dont have to be taken. I think when people are adults its very easy to remain neutral and friends with both parties. It's not like we were teenagers, we're all around our late twenties, you know? I've managed it myself in the past in the context of break-ups and fall outs, as have other friends. But perhaps not everyone thinks like that, as you've said.

Can I just say thank you to everyone for commenting again, it feels good to get this off my chest. I appreciate it.

cloudatlas

Perhaps they could have kept up their friendship with you on an individual basis but how could they ask you on a weekend away if the guy you fell out with is going to be there, it's way too awkward. They probably do feel weird about it but you've made it clear that you can't stand this guy.

Whatever the right and wrong of the situation they don't know what he has done all they know is that you got annoyed and ended your friendship with him. Leaving early and sending upset messages proves to people who may not have been sure about who is at fault that you are being a bit aggressive. They excluded you from the meet ups because he was there and nobody wants aggro on a night out. Trust me O.P. I believe you when you say this guy is a bully but from an outside perspective it may appear that you are the one causing the trouble.

Underthesea86

Mods, would you be able to delete this thread please, thank you.

ivytwine

I have already posted on here about my own experience, but just to add:

None of them are friends with each other anymore. They were all drama and headwrecks and do you know what, I got out early.

That's the way to look at it OP.

You got out early.

You know your true friends.

You can trust again, but you will know when NOT to trust and that's a good lesson.

My internet is ****e at the moment, otherwise this post would be longer. Good luck OP, have been thinking of you and hope you are feeling alright x