Brother being ostricised

LegacyUser

Basically as the title suggests, my brother is being kind of ostricised from the family. To keep a long story short, we both didn't have a great time growing up, alcoholic mother and a father who could be abusive and violent, also drank a lot. He was never violent towards me, but took a belt to my brother some times. He is a very twisted man. My brother was a bit off the rails when he was younger and gave my grandparents a bit of trouble. This is where the problem stems from, i'm talking about stuff that happened 9/10 years ago. A relative of mine can be very judgemental and has never given him a break. He has tried his best to get his life together and things weren't too bad with the family. He was away travelling and worked pretty much the whole time he was there, he was due to get paid one week and spent most of what money he had left on work clothes and a few other bits. The guy never showed up to pay him. He ran into a spot of financial bother and my grandparents sent him over a few bob. He intends on paying them back, but is just catching up on himself. It wasn't given as a loan either, just to make that clear. My aunt then proceeded to announce how very annoyed she was about the whole thing, that he should have been more sensible and had money set aside and shouldn't be out partying. The same aunt has borrowed money numerous times over the last few months, as she's only back to work after being made redundant. So it screams hypocrisy in my eyes. There was a wedding recently and my bro wasn't invited and took it rather personally. I know my brother was a bit of a brat when he was a kid/teenager, but cut him some slack. I am so sick of this, I was close enough with my aunt growing up but as an adult, I find myself disliking her more and more. There's a dinner in a couple of weeks with the family and he's talking about not going. I really want him there, I want him to see that it's not the whole family that think of him this way, though they did treat him differently for a while. The aunt brought the issue up years ago and I told her I thought she was wrong, not in the habit of speaking up to her, but sick of him getting a raw deal. She has never bad mouthed him to me since.He has it in his head i'm the "golden child" and that I can't do anything wrong in their eyes, that's not true either but they do treat me better.He has a heart of gold and I know despite his tough guy front, he really is hurt by this. Is there anything I can do about this?

CaraMay

No there is nothing you can do and you reallt shouldn't be interfering.

LegacyUser

I haven't interfered?

Merkin

CaraMay wrote: »

No there is nothing you can do and you reallt shouldn't be interfering.

That's a bit harsh, I'd hardly call the OP's concern interference.

Have a word with your brother OP and suggest that you both go to the dinner and show a united front. Promise you won't leave his side and that if there's one snipe or gripe you shall leave with him. Your aunt sounds like a spiteful wagon, there's always one and she seems to be the main instigator. Tell your brother you will support him either way but that if he does come to the dinner you're 100% there for him.

December2012

You can't sort everything out between them all, but maybe if you lessened the importance of family occasions things might be able to happen more organically?

Go to the dinner, and enjoy your family. It's really upto him as to whether he warns to go.

R.D. aka MR.D

I would love to read a post like that from my brother who is 'golden child' while i am most definitely the 'black sheep'. It's really hard and i think the best thing that you can do is support him and defend him to any one putting him down unfairly.

In recent years i've found that members of my family who would have put me down in the past are now seeing that im not such a terrible monster. I'm not really sure why it happened but maybe it's because they realised the person (my mother, unfortunately) who was always putting me down was wrong. It's taken 10+ years for them to see that i'm not lazy and good for nothing. It's a little late now if i'm honest as i will never have the same relationship with those people.

The support of my brother and his OH in defending me has meant the world so just keep supporting him and let him know that maybe some day people will realise they are wrong. He should just live his life and try to forget their negativity. (it's really difficult!)

Grayditch

CaraMay wrote: »

No there is nothing you can do and you reallt shouldn't be interfering.

You're a great help.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I would love to read a post like that from my brother who is 'golden child' while i am most definitely the 'black sheep'. It's really hard and i think the best thing that you can do is support him and defend him to any one putting him down unfairly.

In recent years i've found that members of my family who would have put me down in the past are now seeing that im not such a terrible monster. I'm not really sure why it happened but maybe it's because they realised the person (my mother, unfortunately) who was always putting me down was wrong. It's taken 10+ years for them to see that i'm not lazy and good for nothing. It's a little late now if i'm honest as i will never have the same relationship with those people.

The support of my brother and his OH in defending me has meant the world so just keep supporting him and let him know that maybe some day people will realise they are wrong. He should just live his life and try to forget their negativity. (it's really difficult!)

OP, it's kind of a similar situation with my brother, my mam used to always give out about him to the family, now she is peeved at the way he's being treated. I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for you and imagine my brother feels the same way. You shouldn't label yourself a black sheep x

CaraMay

Well the op seems to be sitting in judgement on her aunt getting a hand out from her parents yet has a gripe with a working man worn spending his money on clothes and having to borrow from his grandparents....

I truly don't think it's her business.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Well the op seems to be sitting in judgement on her aunt getting a hand out from her parents yet has a gripe with a working man worn spending his money on clothes and having to borrow from his grandparents....

I truly don't think it's her business.

What the hell are you talking about? You need to read my OP again.

Grayditch

Well then nobody should ever try to bring their family closer together. Cause it's none of their business.

Neyite

Stop sniping at each other, that is NOT what this forum is for. If you disagree with a posters advice, offer your own advice on how to handle the situation, off topic posts will result warnings and possible bans from the forum.

Neyite

OP, you have posted about this several times before now. Have you taken any of the advice given then to you on board?

On your last thread, the Mod suggested that maybe your issues with your family are more complex than PI responders can resolve and that maybe PI is not where you should be looking for help. PI is a great resource, but cannot do the work that family counselling would do.
You all sound vastly over-involved in each others lives and business than normal related adults should be.

You are trying, over these threads to change other people. This never, never works. People can only change themselves, and only if they want to. These people do not want to change, and you cannot make them. This goes for your brother and your aunts. So you are looking for advice on the impossible. YOU cannot fix this. Only they can. And if none of them want to do that, there is nothing you can do.