Family Issue

starnight

Hi All,

I am just looking for some advise. I am having an issue with the lack of contact with my Mother or Father. We have never been that close over the years. I lived in the UK for a number of years and it took for to have a son for them to come visit me after 4 years over the years it was always me making calls and coming home to see them, they would always visit the UK at least once a year and never come see me. I am now home and it is the same me always calling and going to see them. I only live 20 minutes away.

Myself and my wife our due a new baby in March and they have not really heard from them. I last called them on the 10th of Feb to let them know that our 20 week scan went well and have heard form them since.

I am waiting to see how long it will take for them to contact me. I was also thinking that if I have not heard from them by Christmas I would post there Christmas present and cut all ties is this wrong of me. They would have a strong bond with my other three brother and sisters that live 5 hours away.

Like to point out I was never in any trouble in school always did as I was told at home and never in trouble with the police. To me I can't see why the lack of contact. I have spoken with them about this issue but they would stick there head in the sand over the issue.

Has anyone ever had this sort of issue.

CaraMay

What exactly did they say when you said it to them?

starnight

They said nothing is wrong and change the subject.

December2012

You're not going to change their behaviour so I can't understand why you're being so stubborn. I mean, you are right - they should be making an effort. But the fact is they don't.

So by ignoring your parents you are contributing to the problem.

So which is it - being "right" with no relationship with your parents and teaching your children that it's ok to be stubborn over pointless things.

Or be not right, but have your parents and siblings in your life?

Stavro Mueller

One of the things I've learned from this forum is that being a close relative of someone does not guarantee a warm loving relationship. It looks like you are the one who has been doing all the chasing and that if you didn't initiate contact, they'd not bother at all. Have you ever discussed this with your brothers/sisters?

(And as an aside, I assume the date of the 20 week scan last Feb for a baby due in March has to be an error, right?)

starnight

Cymbaline,

Sorry the 20 week scan was November 10th sorry not Feb. I am not talking to my brother long story and I have not spoken to my sister for over a year now. I would not let her scum bag of a boyfriend come to our wedding. I have spoken to my older sister and she does not really know. My older sister would hear from my Mother on a daily bases. Also my Folks are driving to Kerry this weekend to see my brother and cannot be bothered to drive 20 minutes to were I live.

CaraMay

I personally wouldn't bother with them as they are blatantly excluding you from the family. You have your own little family now so enjoy them and forget about the others.

jdsk2006

Iv seen how one member of an apparantly close family can be singled out and excluded....not nice.
I would be fairly confident their distance is linked to the fallout with your brother and sister

jellyboy

starnight wrote: »

Cymbaline,

Sorry the 20 week scan was November 10th sorry not Feb. I am not talking to my brother long story and I have not spoken to my sister for over a year now. I would not let her scum bag of a boyfriend come to our wedding. I have spoken to my older sister and she does not really know. My older sister would hear from my Mother on a daily bases. Also my Folks are driving to Kerry this weekend to see my brother and cannot be bothered to drive 20 minutes to were I live.

maybe they feel that they have to choose or take sides ..or even taking sides ?
its very difficult for all

as a parent i know that i can never be everything to my very different in personality growing adults


normally when i have a problem i don't to face ,i blame somebody else ...

starnight

Jellyboy I am not asking my folks to take sides how hard is it to pick up a phone and see how I am doing?

Stavro Mueller

It looks like your parents are taking sides. I don't think the story's as cut and dried as you might think it is. You have fallen out with a brother and a sister. Maybe your parents see things differently to how you see them.

jdsk2006

starnight wrote: »

They said nothing is wrong and change the subject.

If someone is argumentative and tends to find fault with the majority of things/people, then those around them tend to avoid a confrontation/discussion as they are familiar with that persons pattern and know it inevitably leads to a massive fallout.

"If all those around you dont measure up, check your yardstick"

That's not intended as a personal attack on you op- consider it food for thought and ann opportunity for some self analysis.

What happened that you deemed it appropriate to exclude your sisters partner from a family event? I would view him as her chosen family

starnight

jdsk2006 wrote: »

If someone is argumentative and tends to find fault with the majority of things/people, then those around them tend to avoid a confrontation/discussion as they are familiar with that persons pattern and know it inevitably leads to a massive fallout.

"If all those around you dont measure up, check your yardstick"

That's not intended as a personal attack on you op- consider it food for thought and ann opportunity for some self analysis.

What happened that you deemed it appropriate to exclude your sisters partner from a family event? I would view him as her chosen family

Hi thank you for the advise. He beat my sister a number of times. She is still with him. I did not stop her from going just him. If I had seen him at the wedding I would off flipped.

My folks still welcome this guy into the family home.

December2012

Maybe they are simply trying to stop him from isolating your sister?

Piratez

I'm reading this thread with great interest as I too am in a similar position as the OP and can't get to the bottom of why I have and am being treated in this way by my family.

A few years back I had a dispute with a brother in law which he was totally in the wrong over and I can and have offered my family proof that he was in the wrong but my offer was never accepted.

He is treated like royalty by my family. And like the OP it's like I don't exist anymore. If contact has to be made it's always me who initiates it otherwise it's weeks on end and no contact.

This Xmas like the last few i will spend alone while my brother in law gets invited for dinner, expensive presents and gets anything he wants. If I'm lucky I will get a visit for a few mins at my home on Xmas day like last year.

I've asked what the problem is and been told nothing's wrong it's all in my head cos everything is fine and then ignored for weeks even months on end again.

Things just make no sense sometimes.....

starnight

I will never understand my family. I think I will just have to accept that they will never change. My wife family are close. They treat me better than my own family.

jdsk2006

starnight wrote: »

I will never understand my family. I think I will just have to accept that they will never change. My wife family are close. They treat me better than my own family.

Its horrible op, really i do feel bad for you - I'm very close to someone that is treated the exact same way as you and iv seen first hand how much it affects a person.
Your sisters situation is terrible. Her choice to stay wit him is lost on you but your objections only fuel her determination to make the relationship work. I think its very possible your parents are consumed with concern for her and have all their focus there. You probably don't concern them cos you appear independent and successful in your life.....they may just not see how much you are hurting

seb65

Is it possible your parents have an issue with your spouse?

I have seen in a lot of families where the immediate family really disapproves of him/her - either due to social/religious differences, personality differences, or how the spouse treats their son/brother/daughter/sister - and keep away, rather than risk showing their disapproval and offending their son/brother.

Has your own personality changed since you met your spouse? Perhaps they dislike the effect she has had on you.

Not insulting your wife, but if you're looking for reasons, my experiences have shown that's a big one for family staying away.

I would agree with others that your parents probably welcome your BIL into their home in order to stay as a support network should your sister require it.

username123

I come from a toxic family and I cut all contact from my parents and estranged myself from them. I am also estranged from my only sibling who is also a toxic and difficult individual. My parents are dead now and I never once regretted my decision.

You describe a very difficult family situation tbh. Excluding someone you dont approve of from your wedding, which you are entitled to do, but that kind of behaviour causes fallout. You dont talk to another brother. Your parents drive to Kerry to see one family member which is an open snub to you.

Look at the above and ask yourself why you would be bothered to have relationship with them at all? Relationships are two way streets. If all the effort comes from one side then it is simply a source of stress and frustration for that person.

Your family sound like my fathers family - everyone always not talking to someone. Possibly the most disturbed and toxic set of individuals I have ever to meet. There is no way to balance relationships in a family set up like this. You are better off to live your own life, concentrate on your own family, and if people wish to be in touch, they have your contact details.

Wellyd

I feel bad for you OP. but maybe you're better off without them. Surround yourself with friends and other family that you may have. My boyfriend and I have recently moved about 2 hours away from our families and in that time all my family (immediate family and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) have been down to visit and have brought good luck cards and gifts however none of my boyfriends family have come or even sent a card. I realised that I'm better off being surrounded by good friends and family than having to spend time with toxic people. Mind your wife and child and best of luck for your new arrival! When you've two on the floor you'll have less time to worry about people. Treasure this time with your growing family!

clairefontaine

starnight wrote: »

Hi All,

I am just looking for some advise. I am having an issue with the lack of contact with my Mother or Father. We have never been that close over the years. I lived in the UK for a number of years and it took for to have a son for them to come visit me after 4 years over the years it was always me making calls and coming home to see them, they would always visit the UK at least once a year and never come see me. I am now home and it is the same me always calling and going to see them. I only live 20 minutes away.

Myself and my wife our due a new baby in March and they have not really heard from them. I last called them on the 10th of Feb to let them know that our 20 week scan went well and have heard form them since.

I am waiting to see how long it will take for them to contact me. I was also thinking that if I have not heard from them by Christmas I would post there Christmas present and cut all ties is this wrong of me. They would have a strong bond with my other three brother and sisters that live 5 hours away.

Like to point out I was never in any trouble in school always did as I was told at home and never in trouble with the police. To me I can't see why the lack of contact. I have spoken with them about this issue but they would stick there head in the sand over the issue.

Has anyone ever had this sort of issue.

Yeah, I think it just gets tiring when you are always the one doing the reaching.

Mayboy

Sorry, this is not at all clear.... there are a few issues at play here: you talk about how you have difficulty with your parents- they wont call you/ see you/ drop by etc etc. So, understandably you feel excluded, upset etc etc. Then you mention that you excluded your sisters 'scumbag' boyfriend from a key family occasion... your wedding. Sure, you are entitled to have whoever you want at your wedding but maybe its not altogether nice to judge someone and exclude them because of how you think they 'may' be.

What I'm saying is that if you judge and exclude your sisters boyfriend you can be very sure there will be impact at some point. Maybe he is a scumbag, she is seeing him though and that is her choice and for you to exclude him (and thus her) from the wedding will have consequences; so maybe your parents are browned off with your actions, maybe your sister is very hurt, maybe she loves her scumbag boyfriend - who are you to judge?

I think you are seeing this in black and white and want it all on your terms, life, as we find out is rarely so. Maybe start by trying to understand the scumbag your sister is going out with and then slowly seeing why your parents have difficulty with you.

starnight

Mayboy the reason I did not let her boyfriend come because he use to beat her not sure if he still does as my sister has not spoken to me in over a year now. My folks have been to see my other family member's this weekend to give Christmas present etc and also has daily contact with my older sister whom I get alone with. My older sister has said that I she was talking to me yesterday and my mother never even asked how was I or my wife.