Family tensions at Christmas

sylvergirl

I'm getting really stressed about Christmas, mainly due to family tensions. Basically, my sister and our sister-in-law had a falling out during the year and haven't spoken since. It makes everything awkward, my sister isn't welcome in the house to visit our brother or nephew & niece for example and Christmas is just another awkward occasion to have to get through.

My sister-in-law usually buys the gifts to give to us, his family, this year I'm wondering whether she will have got any for my sister and if she hasn't will that just cause more tension (my brother is speaking to my sister but it's a bit strained) I was thinking should I buy a gift and have it ready to pretend it's from our brother so sister doesn't feel snubbed? Or alternatively, should I mention to my brother whether he has a gift for his sister or not and try to persuade him to get something for her?

I've suggested we all go (my parents, sister and I) to our brothers on Christmas morning to see our nephew & niece, hoping there'd be safety in numbers that way. It's sad because my sister and brother were really close up to this and she's been through a bad time the last few years and could do without this stress.

I'm a person who feels I should be able to "fix" all these things, though I've enough sense to realise I probably can't but can't seem to help trying to!

Any advice much appreciated.

emmabrighton

The same thing happened in my family OP.

My brother just calls round to the sisters house with the kids in tow. His Mrs stays at home.

My mother HATES my OH so I just call round to my mothers house with the baby and he doesn't come round.

Your brother and your sister are grown ups, let them work it out between themselves.

jdsk2006

Yes i do have advice.....its none of your business. sorry to be so blunt but your seriously meddling in relationships here and you will get burnt.

Why in gods name would you organise a present from your brother?? I mean, do you not see that as over steppin the mark? He is a grown man for gods sake wit 2 kids and the ability to think and shop for himself.

Also where do you see fit to show up on Christmas morning "in numbers"??? Personally i would run my inlaws like dogs if they tried to intimidate me like that in my own home....

By the way you never mentioned exactly why your sister is not welcome in your brothers home - what did they argue over and what was said?

username123

I think you should stay out of it OP. Certainly do not buy gifts to pretend they are from someone they are not.

The only thing you can do is to express to the people involved that their behaviour makes things awkward for the rest of ye. But other than that, stay out of it.

sylvergirl

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Why in gods name would you organise a present from your brother?? I mean, do you not see that as over steppin the mark? He is a grown man for gods sake wit 2 kids and the ability to think and shop for himself.

I thought it would spare my sister's feelings if she didn't know he hadn't bought her anything..

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Also where do you see fit to show up on Christmas morning "in numbers"??? Personally i would run my inlaws like dogs if they tried to intimidate me like that in my own home

This is what we have always done other years, maybe not all together but certainly a parade of us arriving to give our gifts to the kids.

jdsk2006 wrote: »

By the way you never mentioned exactly why your sister is not welcome in your brothers home - what did they argue over and what was said?

It was all over something quite trivial IMO, my sister lent sister-in-law a hair straighteners, when she asked for it back sister-in-law denied all knowledge over ever having had it. Words were exchanged and ultimately my brother returned the straighteners to my sister later, so sister-in-law did have it after all but she flat out refuses to apologise. My sister is willing to let bygones be bygones but sister-in-law is just not for turning. My brother gets involved in it as well, when my sister has asked to see the kids he's made excuses not to so she doesn't get to see them much at all unless she happens to be at our parents when they visit there.

username123

Hair straighteners?

Jesus wept. Stay out of it. Just stay out of it.

jdsk2006

Def don't try sparing your sisters feelings or you be the next casualty and find yourself in the middle of more drama. Let them play it out themselves and live with their own actions.

To be fair that does all sound very petty. I do always say tho that there's two sides to a slice of bread no matter how thinly you cut the loaf. Unless i was there to witness and heard every word i would never allow myself be swayed.....just stay out of it and don't take sides

jdsk2006

....also i wouldn't accompany your sister to visit xmas morn, even if its tradition there's been a change this year so respect all involved and visit them alone

Merkin

Good grief, your sister in law sounds like a piece of work.

Don't get involved and certainly don't go buying presents on behalf of someone else. You sound like you have the best of intentions but nct thing you know you'll find yourself caught in the crossfire and being estranged from your niece and nephew too. Just stay out of it.

Meauldsegosha

OP I have to agree with the other posters, stay out of it. Don't buy presents for someone pretending they are from someone else. Your brother is an adult he should have enough sense to buy his sister a present. As for turning up "in numbers" on Christmas morning, to your sister-in-law that will look like you are all ganging up on her and cause more problems.

Neyite

Don't get involved.
Don't presume to buy a gift on your brothers behalf.
Don't go over in a big gang to their house on Christmas Day.

What you can do is speak to your brother, and ask that everyone set aside their differences for the Christmas out of respect for the wider circle of family your mother, and all the children. Neither side has to back down or apologise, just be civil to each other for the day that is in it.

But if they are not interested, not much you can do.

clairefontaine

Talk to your brother. Ask him to buy your sister hair straighteners for Christmas and say it was from Santa.

Carry on Christmas as usual and ask everyone to put their petty grievences aside for the day that it.

I'm in a not dissimilar situation this Christmas myself.

LegacyUser

sylvergirl wrote: »

I thought it would spare my sister's feelings if she didn't know he hadn't bought her anything..



This is what we have always done other years, maybe not all together but certainly a parade of us arriving to give our gifts to the kids.



It was all over something quite trivial IMO, my sister lent sister-in-law a hair straighteners, when she asked for it back sister-in-law denied all knowledge over ever having had it. Words were exchanged and ultimately my brother returned the straighteners to my sister later, so sister-in-law did have it after all but she flat out refuses to apologise. My sister is willing to let bygones be bygones but sister-in-law is just not for turning. My brother gets involved in it as well, when my sister has asked to see the kids he's made excuses not to so she doesn't get to see them much at all unless she happens to be at our parents when they visit there.

That's pathetic, the SIL is stopping her kids aunt from seeing them over a hair straighteners. Did the SIL think she was being accused of stealing? Maybe she genuinely forgot? Or maybe she was trying to pull a fast one? Has your sister sat down with the SIL and tried to work this out. I can't believe a family of adults would behave like this over something so stupid.

LegacyUser

clairefontaine wrote: »

Talk to your brother. Ask him to buy your sister hair straighteners for Christmas and say it was from Santa.

Carry on Christmas as usual and ask everyone to put their petty grievences aside for the day that it.

I'm in a not dissimilar situation this Christmas myself.

That could be seen as sarcy and rubbling salt in the wounds, besides she already got her straighteners back?

jackofalltrades

sylvergirl wrote: »

I'm a person who feels I should be able to "fix" all these things, though I've enough sense to realise I probably can't but can't seem to help trying to!

As a recovering fixer, the best advise I could give you is stop trying to change the situation.
Stop putting yourself down by telling yourself you should be able to do things.
Just accept the fact that you can't change other people and that you can only change how you react to them.
Let people get on with their own lives and do what's best for you.

Hope Christmas isn't too stressful for you.:)

seablue

jackofalltrades wrote: »

As a recovering fixer, the best advise I could give you is stop trying to change the situation.
Stop putting yourself down by telling yourself you should be able to do things.
Just accept the fact that you can't change other people and that you can only change how you react to them.
Let people get on with their own lives and do what's best for you.

Hope Christmas isn't too stressful for you.:)

Totall agree with this.

You will get no thanks for interfering.

December2012

I used to be a fixer too. In reality I only made situations worse. if people are going to fall out over stupid things - and they are - then your good intentions cannot over write their stupidity.

There's always three sides to every story; your sisters side, your sister in laws side, and the truth somewhere in the middle.

Just because the originating dispute is over X, these things can escalate because of behaviour and slights, real and perceived,

Eg sister is annoyed because in law borrowed straighteners
In law is annoyed cos sister is rude when asking back for it
Sister then feels frustrated and doesn't trust sister in law
Sister in law thinks that sister has little to be worrying about and is a flake,
Etc
Etc
Etc


Don't buy a present from your brother.
Just leave it to them all to sort out between themselves.