Should I let lack of ambition get in the way?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with this guy for 10 months, we have all the same interests, we can talk, same group of friends, he's kind caring etc.
He dropped out of college without getting his degree 6 years ago and has been working in a mundane job he hates since. He got a career break and said he'd use the time to sort his life out and make changes.
6 months later he's done nothing.
He has no ambition or get up and go to do anything, he has brains to burn but is comfortable going back to a job where he doesn't have to think at all.
He has the means to go back to college as a mature student but he won't do anything, even though he says he will.
I can see us being together for a very long time because we get on so well, but this lack of ambition is offputting, I don't want to waste my time with someone who's content with wasting what talents they have.

Should I let this lack of ambition break us up or should I just get over it/work through it?

CaraMay

Not everyone needs to be a high flyer but if you have no respect for him and the way he lives his life then move on.

ibarelycare

It's not about being a "high flyer"...

OP I've been in a relationship like that before and I also found it very frustrating. For most of our relationship my ex did not work, he only seemed to do some work if it was handed to him on a plate, and the rest of the time he didn't put much effort into finding any work.

I'm not a materialistic person and in all relationships I have always paid my way 50/50, but it became difficult to make plans with someone who never had any money. I wanted to plan holidays together, go out for dinner every now and then, but it was difficult when the other person wasn't earning much money. Also, it made me worry about the future. How would we afford to get married, buy a house, have a family, etc.

Money doesn't come into it for me, I'm not looking to be with someone rich, or someone who is the CAO of their own business. But I find it difficult to be with someone who is just content with sitting back, waiting for things to happen, and not actually doing anything for themselves.

Legs.Eleven

Really depends on what you can put up with. I don't care about career ambition personally but I wouldn't like to be with someone who actively hated their job and didn't do anything about it when they could. I can understand completely someone wanting to be in a job where they don't have to think very hard as not everyone is career-minded (myself included) but if the person was moaning constantly about their situation and doing nothing at all to better it, it'd wreak my head.


However, you love this guy. Is this a big enough reason to pack it all in? No one is perfect.

Stavro Mueller

It could be that you're incompatible when it comes to your outlook on life. It's possible that as time goes on your may tire of his lack of get up and go. Some people are doers and some just aren't very motivated at all.

LegacyUser

If he's happy with it then fairplay to him, imo

LegacyUser

OP, I've been in a similar situation, going out with a guy who left education just after his LC and was on the dole for years when we met. I do consider myself very career-driven and ambitious. The guy was incredibly intelligent and a fantastic person, but seeing him in the house all day and not doing anything to improve himself was a killer for me. I wrote a post very similar to yours a few years ago.

I did pester him gently to do courses etc, but he would refuse it or say he would do them and then forget about it. For a long time I thought he was just not committed enough. But then I realised he was afraid. It is very very scary to return to education, especially if you have bad memories of it and/or you see yourself as a failure, and you believe you will face that failure again if you try it. Also, how do you transition back into it? Even applying to college as a mature student involves a ridiculous amount of soul-searching, confidence and ultimately skills to fill in all the paperwork, rewrite CVs, attend interviews etc. It can be a scary and daunting process.

Well, I'm not sure when the change occurred to my guy, he first did a FAS course in which he totally excelled, then started reading really interesting non-fiction books, and then decided to apply to college as a mature student. I can tell you, the CAO process is a nightmare and it's not only about filling forms. He must decide what course would suit his abilities and yet pay the bills plus make him happy. Then decide which university would take him, then measure his weaknesses and chances against younger candidates. Plus face 18yo kids in class who know their subjects perfectly and will look down on him. Etc etc.

He is now finishing a really difficult degree with the highest grades in the class and I'm so so so incredibly proud of him. But it was a really long process, from the days he would laugh at "silly mummy''s boys college students" to seeing him at 2am writing brilliant essays. I must say, I probably wouldn't have had the balls myself to go through everything he did.

My suggestion: be supportive, try to find out if there are other things getting in the way (wrong conceptions about his abilities, self-doubt, etc) which may come across as laziness/lack of ambition but are much deeper than that. Maybe he wants to change but doesn't know the steps. It's tough changing careers/going back to education.

Above all, commend him on his skills (intelligent/funny/witty), help him build his confidence, but don't make him think that only by getting a degree he will be good enough for you. This would kill him. And well... stay put a bit longer. As much as lack of ambition may seem like a deal-breaker if you are ambitious yourself, he might surprise you.

Tasden

Maybe he's just happy with his life and in himself as he is.

WellThen?

Tasden wrote: »

Maybe he's just happy with his life and in himself as he is.

OP said he hates his job.

Talk to him, tell him you want him to be happy, and him being unfulfilled is bringing you down. Tell him you're there to help, but he needs to do something to help himself.

Sounds like he just needs a wake up call

Louisthe cavepenguinz

I gave him one 2 months ago and he said he wanted to do something with his life cos he knew he could be more, aaaand nothing's come of it.
Just to say this isn't from a materialistic gold-digger point of view, he has plenty of money, he doesn't waste it and saves, money isn't any issue, it's ambition and the fact he won't go anywhere near his potential, despite the fact he says he wants to

Emme

Louisthe cavepenguinz wrote: »

I gave him one 2 months ago and he said he wanted to do something with his life cos he knew he could be more, aaaand nothing's come of it.
Just to say this isn't from a materialistic gold-digger point of view, he has plenty of money, he doesn't waste it and saves, money isn't any issue, it's ambition and the fact he won't go anywhere near his potential, despite the fact he says he wants to

Are there any openings in his career field? The current economic climate can make changing jobs difficult. Lots of people hate their jobs at the moment but can't move. Even more people hate being unemployed but can't get a job.

I read somewhere that women are more qualified than men now and women will have to get used to the idea of dating someone who earns less or isn't as highly qualified.

If you get on well perhaps you should count your blessings. He sounds like a guy who would have no trouble finding women even if he isn't a super-ambitious high flying Alpha male.

Merkin

I was in an LTR with someone like this and if he's inherently meh about things then he is not going to change. My boyfriend at the time had a good degree but had quite a junior job in IT and had zero ambition to progress. He didn't want to do a Masters, smoked wayyyyy too much pot and just had no get up and go or interest in evolving and growing. I'm the opposite and we were just incompatible. I think if you're contemplating a future you also have to ask yourself if the other person is dependable. If you were ill or pregnant for example and had to give up work, could you depend on this guy to help you emotionally and financially? It's years since I went out with his guy but I know that he is still in a similar job and living the same life and I've achieved so much in that time. It's not about being a high flyer or anything, it's about having similar goals and ambitions and striving for the best and I do think it's important that two people are on the same page in that regard.

Tasden

WellThen? wrote: »

OP said he hates his job.

Talk to him, tell him you want him to be happy, and him being unfulfilled is bringing you down. Tell him you're there to help, but he needs to do something to help himself.

Sounds like he just needs a wake up call

People can hate their job/find it boring but still be happy all round though. Its called work for a reason so maybe as much as he hates his job he's just not overly pushed right now about finding one he'd hate less.

December2012

Lots of people hate their job and still are interesting fun and stimulating people.

And lots of people don't use all of their potential for any number of reasons that are valid.

Think of stay at home parents or carers, or overworked professionals taking a stepback job for less stress - each might have fantastic potential career wise but have decided differently.

It doesn't make them wrong.

How does he honestly feel about his lot in life? Some people are happy with what you perceive as "less".