Is he using me

ClareP1983

Hi I need help! I met this guy online and we clicked. We were chatting for ages and then finally met up, we actually met in McDonalds as we both love the Ice Cream! Anyways we met up like 3 x times for coffee/chat etc. After that every time we meet up its always for a drive and messing around in the car. At this stage we have met 6 x times and it seems to be the same thing. We were meant to go for dinner the other day but he hurt his back, i know he works late and its usually 8/9 o clock by the time we meet (he works with plant hire and farming)

Is he trying to hide me/use me? Whenever I mention the idea of a date he ignores it in a text even tho he arranged dinner last week!

Totally confused and don't wanna ask him as don't wanna come on too strong!

username123

In short, yes.

But you have signalled its ok to just go for drives/messing around. If you want that to change then just refuse to meet him unless there is a date on the table, and if he cancels the date, dont meet him.

stargazer 68

Hmm
Mcdonalds
Coffee
Car

Married???

Only you can break this OP. As username said tell him you want a proper date or don't got and meet him.

ClareP1983

We are due to meet tonight and I was going to say that if he wants to see me again then I want a date, kinda say it in jest but mean it and stick to my guns. We haven't slept together but wanna nip it in the bud before i get hurt. Thanks X

stargazer 68

ClareP1983 wrote: »

We are due to meet tonight and I was going to say that if he wants to see me again then I want a date, kinda say it in jest but mean it and stick to my guns. We haven't slept together but wanna nip it in the bud before i get hurt. Thanks X

Okay what are the arrangements for tonight then?

ClareP1983

I am not sure, it depends on what time he finishes work, I haven't heard from him yet we arranged it last night. Maybe if he says "finished work late will I meet you half way at XXXX and we can go for a drive" what would you say?!!

username123

ClareP1983 wrote: »

I am not sure, it depends on what time he finishes work, I haven't heard from him yet we arranged it last night. Maybe if he says "finished work late will I meet you half way at XXXX and we can go for a drive" what would you say?!!

Oh, he isnt making the arrangement until last minute - major red flag.

I once dated a guy who worked in same industry and acted the same!!

I went along initially, then just became unavailable unless a prior arrangement had been made. He would text me late and ask to meet up and Id say "sorry, Im busy, let me know in advance and Ill keep time free to meet up".

ClareP1983

Ughh, ya suppose I should listen to my gut! Do you suggest I go and mention it to him?!

stargazer 68

Have you ever gone out on a Friday or Sat night or is it always midweek?

ClareP1983

Always Midweek. This is getting worse!!

stargazer 68

ClareP1983 wrote: »

Always Midweek. This is getting worse!!

Sorry - we aren't really helping are we? I have been there OP trust me.

ClareP1983

Thanks dovies. When you see it in black and white it's embarrassing!

wallycharlo

OP, don't jump to any conclusions based on the feedback on this thread.

Tell him straight up that you are getting a bit tired of just driving around, and suggest you do something different for a change such as meet for a drink / movie / walk etc.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op it sounds like you just really need to find out where you stand. To me, having been there before, there are some major red flags. If I were you I'd lay what you want on the table as soon as. It sounds like he's taking this very casually and you might be taking it a bit more seriously, recipe for disaster!

Merkin

ClareP1983 wrote: »

I am not sure, it depends on what time he finishes work, I haven't heard from him yet we arranged it last night. Maybe if he says "finished work late will I meet you half way at XXXX and we can go for a drive" what would you say?!!

I just find that quite seedy tbh. I also think it totally unacceptable that he arranges things at the last minute. You're a BUSY and fabulous girl with lots to do so if he wants to see you then he needs to:

a. give you a few days notice (because you have so much on)

b. take you on an actual date rather than go for a drive.

If he doesn't want to do both of the above then he is not worth wasting your time over and is clearly looking for a casual leg over (in his car :rolleyes:) and that's obviously not what you want.

Don't be one bit afraid of being assertive, you owe it to yourself to only accept good treatment xx

ClareP1983

Thanks all will let you know what happens later. X

maria34

It seems like he is in a relationship. Hope im wrong.

Emme

maria34 wrote: »

It seems like he is in a relationship. Hope im wrong.

After reading through this thread I thought that might be the case. At least the OP hasn't slept with him.

Best to nip this in the bud and get out now.

m'lady

As another poster has said he could be taking it very casual as opposed to being married or in a relationship.. Seems that goes on a bit, this casualness towards dating etc, and let's be honest we (women) only have ourselves to blame for accepting this kind of attitude.. Been there and certainly wouldn't again!

OP I hope it works out, please don't take any s***, if does nothing for your your self esteem.

wirelessdude01

What age are you both?

ClareP1983

We are both 30! He texted me at 7pm this evening and said "only home from work do you wanna meet me half way or it will half to wait for the weekend"

What do I say, I wanna make plans for the weekend but want him to ask me!!

CaraMay

Say 'i would prefer to leave it until Saturday. Say 8 pm at X pub?' And stick by your guns. If he doesn't follow up with a proper date then you know what he wants. Be a bit elusive, you've been very available.

wirelessdude01

You have been jumping to his tune so far. Have you been speaking to him on the phone or is it always via text?

ClareP1983

couple of times on the phone but texting mainly. I just texted back and said I cant tonight its too late of notice and he said "grand" I will wait a couple of days and wont text him see does he arrange anything, if not then I have my answer. thanks all!

wirelessdude01

Him or you phoning? When ye text does he generally reply in a good timeframe or could there sometimes be huge gaps?

ClareP1983

he rang me a few times and I rang him once, no he usually texts back straight away, usually an hour or so of a gap when he's work which I do understand but generally its instant.

CaraMay

Sit back, do nothing until he contacts you and don't accept anything less than dates from now on. No point being used for a grope in the back of a car. Have respect for yourself and only date someone who respects you too

wirelessdude01

Have to say as well that ya don't hear of many 30 somethings going for gropes in the back of cars these days as a way to start a 'relationship'.

Merkin

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Have to say as well that ya don't hear of many 30 somethings going for gropes in the back of cars these days as a way to start a 'relationship'.

I find it bizarre tbh.

username123

Why don't you just say that if ye are meeting at the weekend you'd prefer to go out somewhere and do something and if he just wants to go for a drive you'd rather leave it.

ClareP1983

Ya I'm not going to contact him and wait and see what happens. I've already made plans now for sat night so will see what he says. I ain't meeting for a drive! I am making him out to be bad but we do actually get on quite well! Strange is right!

Big Bag of Chips

Just tell him out straight you don't want to meet for drives... Unless it's to go somewhere! What is the problem with that? Do you both live at home? Do you live very far from each other that meeting half way is the only option? Why do you not go to him one night, and him to you the next?

If he works in an industry that has late, unpredictable hours, then there's not a lot you can do. But if he arranges to meet you at 8pm, next Wednesday (for example) then arrange somewhere you can be at that time, the cinema, drink, dinner, whatever.

He might not be using you, but he might not have a whole lot of experience in the dating game either!

If you want to meet him at the weekend, Friday night/Sunday afternoon, whatever, why not contact him and arrange it. I don't understand this game playing of "I'd like to meet for a proper date, but I'm going to wait for him to suggest it"! If you want something.. ask for it!!

LegacyUser

Meeting up for a bit of a fumble in car is a bit yuck, in my opinion - unless both parties are fully up for that, with no other expectations. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

Tbh, even if you both lived at home, and were very young, it still doesn't sit right with me. But the more important thing is how it sits with you - and you don't seem comfortable with it. I don't think anyone should keep doing something that they aren't comfortable with.

As others have said, it screams married / in a relationship / wanting a fumble, but not being bothered to put in any more effort than going to a fast-food joint. None of these options are good! I think you shouldn't bother waiting, analysing, or seeing if he will grow up. I think you should just cut all ties. I really think he's involved with some else, or else he's single and just couldn't give a F about you. Sorry OP.

Merkin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just tell him out straight you don't want to meet for drives... Unless it's to go somewhere!

I agree with this. OP while you are "waiting for him to contact me" you continue to dance to his tune and respond to his decisions. Nothing has really changed and you're still left wondering.

If you are actually assertive on this issue it will empower you and you will either

a. get what you want, he will realise you want to be taken out on a date and that meeting up for a fumble in his car isn't what you want. Yay.

b. Or he will make some excuse that he can't go on a date but still try and push you for another car fumble which will give you your answer; that a fumble is all he wants

I'd be slightly suspicious that a mature man of thirty only wants to meet you under the cover of darkness in his car to go for a seedy drive. Are you sure he is not already attached? How did you meet him initially?

K_P

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you want to meet him at the weekend, Friday night/Sunday afternoon, whatever, why not contact him and arrange it. I don't understand this game playing of "I'd like to meet for a proper date, but I'm going to wait for him to suggest it"! If you want something.. ask for it!!

Totally agree with this. This guy might be using you or he might be a perfectly genuine guy who is a bit inexperienced and doesn't know what to do or suggest. While the constantly meeting for drives and a bit of a fumble without moving it on to something a bit more concrete is a bit odd, maybe he thinks you're happy enough with that.

With the way you've left things, I can guarantee you he'll suggest meeting for your usual meeting half-way for a drive and a bit of a mess around. Take the initiative, call or text him today and suggest meeting for a few drinks or dinner on Friday or Saturday. You've met up 9 times now so I really don't think anyone could see suggesting meeting for a few drinks or dinner or whatever as coming on too strong.

You'll know his intentions based on his response to your suggestion.

wallycharlo

I fail to understand those who are advising just to walk away now, i.e. before the OP has even had a chat with him on this and see how he reacts.

stargazer 68

K_P wrote: »

Take the initiative, call or text him today and suggest meeting for a few drinks or dinner on Friday or Saturday. You've met up 9 times now so I really don't think anyone could see suggesting meeting for a few drinks or dinner or whatever as coming on too strong.

You'll know his intentions based on his response to your suggestion.

This! No reason you can't call the shots for the next date. Don't wait for him to do it.

ClareP1983

Thanks for all your advise I will keep you updated! X

m r c

ClareP1983 wrote: »

Thanks for all your advise I will keep you updated! X

No one has really said it yet here on the thread but to be fair he hasn't done a whole lot wrong in fairness to him.
The whole fumble in the car thing was mutual I presume?? Fun and harmless enough for two people getting to know each other.

Reading your posts op he seems to me to be a little loose in his planning maybe BUT as a 31 yo man I can imagine liking someone and not wanting to come over like I'm coming on to strong/keen and scarring her off to early especially if I genuinely liked her.

I obviously don't know either of ye but at some stage we all need to take a chance with getting hurt if we are to find someone special.

I reckon be honest, tell him exactly what's on your mind
ie I'm not being pushy or needy but I'm wondering where we are at, I like you and don't want to get hurt. Plus it'd be great if you(him) would be more concrete with your plans about meeting up. I'm not really enjoying waiting on your word closer to the time kind of business.

If that works it'd be a lovely straight way to start off in your relationship together.

Last thing I'll say in this post is to wish you well, maybe it'll be fantastic for you both. I hope so.