Problems

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm a 24 year young man and consider myself to be living in the prime of my life. I'm healthy (as far as I know), I'm moderately attractive, I don't really have anything to be stressed out about and I have enough friends to keep me sane and on the better end of the social stick. That's the good stuff. Now the problems. I don't want to burden the good people of this website with all my problems because I'd be here forever. I used to be quite depressed when I was in my late teens because at the time life wasn't looking so good. I had a girlfriend which was a first for me as I was a late bloomer to the social game. Up until that point I was the kid that everyone made fun of, had virtually no friends and was raised by a single parent so money was always tight (still is). When we broke up I tried to off myself several times but my friends talked me out of it by talking sense into me. However the depressed never really left me. I put on a facade whenever I go out with my friends and still do. As from an early age I had to pretend that I was happier than I really was I've become quite good at pretending that nothing was wrong and getting away with it. I rarely talk to anyone about my problems because I consider myself a people pleaser and never wanted to burden said friends with my problems but lately it's become harder and harder to live with it all and I'm starting to be able to hide it less and less. The reason I post this here is because I read through a few of the posts and it seems that I can unload here and not have to worry about friends know who I am. If they knew how bad I really was they'd become concerned and I'd rather avoid that as I like to avoid confrontation as from my young age I've experienced bad things with it. The thing that has really put me on the edge is that I had another girlfriend a year ago and we had a great thing going and she seemed to make everything a lot better. I'm sure some people here can understand what its like to have that person, but she left and it tore me apart. Seeing on a social site that she has recently found a new man for herself has got me feeling really down recently and with that we get to why I'm here. How do I skip over this stepping stone without falling in?

Taltos

Shocklate wrote: »

I'm healthy (as far as I know)
....
However the depressed never really left me. I put on a facade whenever I go out with my friends and still do.

Op of your post these two things jumped out at me. If you are feeling depressed or low and have previously thought of suicide then no, you're not healthy and you need help and urgently. There is a user here representing an organisation that helps people feeling low, you can PM them at turn2me.org; please reach out to them in the strictest of confidences and see what you can do to help yourself finally conquer these feelings.

There are a number of other resources on our charter there specifically to help people like you. There is also a great thread in After Hours on how one of the mods here has battled with depression, suggest you read that.

Beyond all of that, I think you need to work on your selfworth. Look back at your post specifically at the area around your last girlfriend - and how she made you feel. Look its great that partners and friends give us a lift but that is not their job and while I am not saying you made her aware of this possibly she felt some pressure at having to be in this role?
Ideally you need to be in a position of strength alone, where you are feeling great or even just good about yourself, placing such pressure on anyone, even unconsciously is not fair on you or on them.

Merkin

Shocklate wrote: »

The thing that has really put me on the edge is that I had another girlfriend a year ago and we had a great thing going and she seemed to make everything a lot better.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up. You can never ever rely on another human being for happiness and fulfillment however as the buck ultimately stops with you.

I think you have tried to struggle on far too long by yourself with this illness. And depression is an illness, as it means there is a chemical imbalance in your brain which needs to be addressed with the help of someone qualified. Taltos mentions a great resource above, I do think you would benefit also from going and talking to a trusted GP. You can obviously feel yourself slipping into a dark place again and now is the time to address it, you'll be so glad you did. The help is out there.

When you're better and in a happier place you will then have a better chance at succeeding at relationships because you won't be looking outside yourself for fulfillment. Please go and see someone.

Ande1975

Op,

I read your post and I felt compelled to respond. I echo the previous posters advice and you should follow up on the suggestions.
Now I'm a good bit older than you (nearly 40) and reading your post reminded me of my 20s.

For some people, your 20s can be cr*p. You are an adult out in the world learning to stand on your own two feet (emotionally) and its very hard. You have absolutely no reference point to tell you what's normal and what's not. Its probably the most confusing time of your life. Looking back I did the very same thing, I made other people responsible for my happiness. I met a guy and my grey life was full of colour. Like most relationships in your 20s - it ended and I felt my life ended. I wasted YEARS pining and upset and sad. When I look back now I cringe.

I know its so hard when someone else tells you this but the greatest source of unhappiness is a) comparing yourself to others b) thinking I will be happy when such and such happens.

If you can at all, start thinking of what you have right now. You are young, you are healthy, you are good looking and you have great friends. That's fantastic and you are lucky. It gets better every day, month, year from here if you let the stuff you have no control over go.

Let this girl go... she isn't the one. The next girl may not be the one either. People come into your life to teach you something and prepare you for that one relationship that lasts but you need to be aware and willing to learn.

I am probably not explaining myself properly but let's just say if I could go back in time, I would have kicked my 20 something ass into shape, told her to cop on and enjoy life as it all works out in the end.

December2012

Yknow, I found that I don't like talking to real life people about my problems. Simple reason is I don't want to feel like I have to hold anything back in case I make them worry.

I also know their faults and failings so I'm not going to listen to their advice.

But like you I knew I needed to talk to somebody because otherwise life was going well.

So I went to a therapist and I unpicked my thoughts and feelings and cleared my head over the course of my treatment.

For me, talk therapy was brilliant and very cathartic. I eventually found that it released the pressure cooker of emotions and worries I had.

I consider myself a stronger person since my treatment, and i can go years now without needing to talk to somebody professionally, but if I feel the need then I do.

If you were in New York going to a therapist / psychiatrist would be as routine as going to the dentist.

Go talk to a mental health professional. You're not alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying guys. I know I shouldn't let people be the source of my happiness but when all your life you had no people to lift you up and your parent has too much to deal with themselves friends are really all you have. Up until I was 10 I didn't have any real friends so every time I got depressed all I could do is bottle it up and move on. I'm not an angry person in life, I've been hit more times then I can count but I always turned the other cheek. I try to wake up every morning with a positive outlook on life but as the day progresses and my mind starts to wonder things become darker and darker until there's a cloud over my head. Sometimes I feel numb thinking about said girl because whilst the point was mentioned above about her not being the one, which is most likely true I can't seem to find anyone else. The so called "hunt" isn't really for me. I know that people lie and I hate being lied to (first girlfriend cheated on me) and the pompous pretension of meeting girls in this day and age isn't meant for an introvert like myself. I was considering a shrink but I could not find any my city. If anyone has a link with a list of them and the cities they are in I'd greatly appreciate it.

Taltos

Sorry OP - we cannot give recommendations here. Please speak to your GP and get a referral or review the list of useful contacts in the Charter.

Big Bag of Chips

It is very difficult to self-refer yourself to psychiatric services. Some areas do have drop-in counsellors where you can just walk in off the street without an appointment, but your best bet, and who should always be your first port of call is your GP. They will have the list you are looking for, both for public, private and drop-in centres.

You may need medication, or maybe counselling to unload your problems might be all you need. But your GP really is the only person, with full consultation with you, who is qualified to make this call.

You have an illness, same as a diabetic or asthmatic. It's just yours isn't a physical illness, so it's less visible, or obvious. But it is an illness just the same. If you were constantly short of breath and found yourself unable to do normal everyday things without a physical struggle, wouldn't your doctor be the first place you'd go? How you are feeling is no different. And your GP will have seen it all hundreds of times before, and steered their patients in the appropriate direction.