Break Up

FTA69

After five years my girlfriend sent me a text to say that she wasn't happy and that we needed to talk. After an hour she came back to our flat and said she was leaving me. She said that our relationship had gotten stale and that we were more like an elderly couple as opposed to young people; that I was like her best friend but she simply wasn't in love with me anymore and that we were stuck in a rut.

The thing is, I didn't expect any of this at all. If you asked me on Saturday how I felt I would have said I was over the moon. I have a fantastic job, prospects, a beautiful flat and a girlfriend I was planning to propose to next year. Instead I come out of the shower on Sunday morning to find a text basically preparing me for the bullet. One minute I was on top of the world and the next minute I'm walking down the road with a few changes of clothes in a bag.

I'm completely devastated. Personally I just felt that our problems just needed work and more effort on both of our parts to rejuvenate things. Obviously I had constructed an entirely false narrative about a "perfect life" and she instead felt suffocated by a relationship she was clearly not happen in. I feel like such an idiot. I told her calmly that I accepted her decision and we parted on decent terms; I didn't start bawling or begging etc which is one thing at least.

I'm currently crashing at a good friend's house and have two flat viewings later on; but truth be told I have no desire to live in a bloody flatshare or on my own in some pokey bedsit in North London. There is absolutely no prospect of getting back together and I'm terrified of the prospect of not having someone I love by my side. I can't eat or sleep and I'm getting teary-eyed in work. It's all been such a shock.

I don't know what to do.

The Corinthian

First of all, sorry about your situation. These things are never easy.

Secondly, I think the first priority is being practical. In this regard, why have you moved out? Is it her home? Were you paying rent?

If you were renting together and you made a mutual agreement that you would be the one to move out, then fair enough, but at the same time you've paid rent, so you're entitled to a roof over your head for three weeks. Also what notice must you give - I don't know what the situation in London is, but in many countries it's three months and she'd hardly expect you to pay for the next three months without actually living there, would she? If things have effectively become platonic, is it really necessary you move out immediately?

Your next priorities should be finding a new home and division of shared property. Of the former, I can't advise vis-a-vi London, but being single again and no longer being in a position to pool your resources with a partner, you may not have a choice than to take a bedsit or house-share. Of the latter, I suggest you deal with this sooner rather than later, along with any monies owed, joint contracts and accounts and so on, as otherwise you'll start finding that things will begin to vanish or creating complications over time.

Finally, don't blame yourself; just because you didn't see it coming doesn't mean it was your fault. For a start, given you didn't even suspect this was coming a few days ago, it's more than likely that you're still in the dark where it comes to all the details.

I once knew a girl who broke up with her boyfriend of three years and she too was told that it was because they'd drifted apart. A year later she discovered that a week after they split, her ex moved in with someone else, with whom he'd been having an affair during the latter part of their relationship.

Nonetheless, it could also be a case of the two of you just drifting apart too - don't jump to conclusions and don't try too hard to find answers just yet. Better to concentrate on the practicalities of the break-up.

wallycharlo

FTA69 wrote: »

...said she was leaving me....

Well is she wants to leave then should it not be her moving out of the flat? Assuming ye are renting it / own it together jointly, etc.

Would be one less thing for you to have to be immedaitely concerned about right now at least...

FTA69

Thanks for your reply mate.

Secondly, I think the first priority is being practical. In this regard, why have you moved out? Is it her home? Were you paying rent?

No, it was our flat and we both split the rent and bills evenly. Our lease was signed until next February. Basically I'm the one leaving because I simply can't bear to be in that space. It was our first flat together as a couple outside of shares, I thought we'd be there for years. It represents a lot in my mind and is filled with memories. If I was to sleep in that bed again I'd go f*cking mental.

My buddy has a spare room in a large flat and is quite accommodating. I've a number of viewings lined up for this evening.

If you were renting together and you made a mutual agreement that you would be the one to move out, then fair enough, but at the same time you've paid rent, so you're entitled to a roof over your head for three weeks. Also what notice must you give - I don't know what the situation in London is, but in many countries it's three months and she'd hardly expect you to pay for the next three months without actually living there, would she? If things have effectively become platonic, is it really necessary you move out immediately?

She offered to move out and to cover the rent until February. I don't think she wants to be in that flat either and said she wanted to go and stay at her friend's house too. The sh*t thing is that we're probably going to end up paying for the bloody thing. I asked her to phone the landlord and sort it out with her and see what she says. I simply had to get away from both her and the flat.

Your next priorities should be finding a new home and division of shared property. Of the former, I can't advise vis-a-vi London, but being single again and no longer being in a position to pool your resources with a partner, you may not have a choice than to take a bedsit or house-share. Of the latter, I suggest you deal with this sooner rather than later, along with any monies owed, joint contracts and accounts and so on, as otherwise you'll start finding that things will begin to vanish or creating complications over time.

Look, I've done many house-shares and they've all worked out great to be fair. I've a number of viewings lined up for later on and for single professionals in London, it's the done thing. It might even work out great to make a few new friends and relationships along the way. All the other sh*t is in her name and I have a direct debit to her account every month. I can shut that off handily enough. I'm picking my stuff up tomorrow evening and hope to be done and dusted and in a new gaff by the end of the week.

(I loved that bloody flat though!)

Finally, don't blame yourself; just because you didn't see it coming doesn't mean it was your fault. For a start, given you didn't even suspect this was coming a few days ago, it's more than likely that you're still in the dark where it comes to all the details.

I honestly don't think it was someone else, rather she just felt trapped, suffocated and stuck in a rut. Obviously I was too happily believing in domestic bliss and clearly blinded myself as to the depth of the problems and badly underestimated why she was a bit distant or unhappy. I had clearly just created this parallel universe in my own head. I do feel a bit embarrassed about it as well as a small bit terrified as to what the future will bring. For all of my 20s she has been my rock and companion and as of yesterday that's just been erased.

LadyMayBelle

Oh man my heart goes out to you. I'm just out of my own super LT relationship but due to the fact we have two rooms we are seeing out the lease.

There will be a light at the end of this tunnel. The first few days I felt disconnected from my body at times and then devastated and confused and god knows what.

Great you've friends to stay with, do that and get your head rested and clear over Xmas. You will be ok x

fits

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

. The first few days I felt disconnected from my body at times...

x

Oh I remember that weird feeling. Sorry to hear OP. Just do what you need to to get through this re moving out etc.It gets easier.

iwantmydinner

OP, very sorry for your situation. It's so tough.

I'm very impressed at your ability and determination to focus on the practical things like a place to live and it sounds like you know you'll come through (looking ahead to meeting new people), but for now, you just have to put your head down and go through the process of grieving for the relationship. We all get blind-sided in love at some stage, and there's no magic cure.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself be angry/sad/whatever when you need to be but focus on getting yourself past the initial horrible stage.

Best of luck OP.

m-a-i-

Sorry to hear that OP.
The most important thing I've learned is take each little step as it comes.
And try and pick up something new that you can focus on. This is what helped me. Its OK to be sad and heartbroken and let it all out. Everything happens for a reason and you will find your soulmate

Tramps Like Us

Really sorry to hear this a chara.

The important thing to do now is to try and be as practical as possible (which you seem to be doing) in the immediate future. Get all the money issues sorted straight away. Seen as all the stuff is in her name that should be handy enough to do. I don't know what your lease is like but you may be able to get out of it. My own attitude would be that hell would freeze over before I'd pay to keep an ex living in my apartment - whoever lives there pays for it all, thats only fair.

House shares can be sh!t but can also be very good if the people are sound. I dunno what you are like but I'm inclined to isolate myself when things like this happen and thats not a good thing, so for me it would be best to stay in a house share where there would be other people, even if the interaction was inane chat.

I wouldn't bother about wondering why this happened. It just has. Analyzing things will only drive you mad. My own POV is that with breakups like this where nothing major has happened to cause it, it just means you are not meant for one another. IME being told out of the blue that the relationship is over because she feels suffocated, like an elderly couple or whatever is window dressing, if deep down she wanted to be in a relationship with you she'd have said these things to you and you could have worked on them. Point I'm getting at is not to blame yourself, the relationship has just run its course.

Mightn't look like this now but in the future you my well look back and be glad that she decided the relationship was not for her before you stayed together longer and maybe got married or even had kids.

Anyway OP I know that you'll get through it, just try to get the break as clean and absolute as possible, take it a day at a time and don't isolate yourself. Eating and exercising will help with the sleep.

FTA69

You're spot on mate. AS you said, the fact is that there was no working on the issues because the entire thing was obviously banjaxed, despite me not being able to see it. The loss of companionship etc will take a lot of getting used to, but I'm moving my sh*t out of that flat tonight and hope to be in a new house in a couple of days. I've arranged to move into one house share up the road from all of my friends and the people there seem like a sound and sociable bunch. It'll be tough, but I think I'll be on the road to normality by the time I come back after Christmas.

Thanks for your comments.

superman28

Well I am glad to hear that you took this horrific news like a man,, that was a real test of your character and you came out on top.. As gutted and shocked as you are bound to feel,, Know this.. it was for the best.. as you dodged a major bullet by not marrying the girl..

Christmas will be a tempting time to get hammered on a regular basis,, but I would avoid this,, and even if you feel like crap,,, play sport,, eat healthy and keep fit,, your mind will want to sleep and mope around but you gotta fight through that stuff.. and don't worry about talking about it all the time.. If you have any mates that are girls or sisters,, I would spill your guts to them all about it as much as you can,, get it all out over the next week or so,, Then in the new year you can start fresh and take comfort in knowing that your future wife is out there somewhere waiting for you to come find her..

best of luck..

LadyMayBelle

Hang in there. I'm four months down the line and honesty never thought I'd feel how I do now. I can't imagine now that I was waiting for my ex to marry me.. It seems like madness. Xmas will be hard but go into it under no illusion: you'll hear of engagements and babies and all that but take it that you've been given an opportunity to do whatever you want. If you're back in London there are quite a few of us coming back to the city around New Years so don't feel bad and low alone. Take up any offers to 'go for a coffee' or a drink or whatver, start saying yes and busying your mind and body.

One thing I did that helped on a practical level, not sure if it's a more female thing, but I immediately packed away all the stuff that reminded me of him and us together ; photos, cards, ticket stubs, little ornaments I had that said Love, a gift he gave me..whatever.. They are all in a box to be looked at when I am in a better place. Genuinely, it helped me a lot not to be constantly reminded; my brother had a similar experience with a watch his ex bought him: each time he looked at it it reminded him of her so he bought a new one. Protect your mind and heart till you're in a better place.

Good luck.