What have I done :(

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm so mixed up today, my head is all over the place and I need some help

My story sort of has 2 parts, I will try to keep it as short as I can but apologies in advance if it's a bit of a read...

I am in a relationship of nearly 2 years. I really fell for my bf and was SO mad about him, hadn't felt like that about anybody since my last long term relationship which was 4 years ago. Btw, I'm in my late 20's. Anyway, it was all going ok but every so often he would question me about my past; how many partners I've had etc. Questioning is a bit mild though, he interrogates me and tells me that I'm lying. It usually happens when we've made love and are about to go to sleep. He never believes me, that I've only been with him and my ex. He says things like that I'm lying to him and that he knows I slept with other people. He does have some personal problems that he's dealing with as best he can and I'm not using that as an excuse for his behaviour because it really does hurt when he does that to me. It's like he has times when he's in just such a black mood and he just turns on me and gets so angry telling me all these things like that I was with other people etc, then he says that he doesn't love me, he scares me when he's like that He usually does apologise after being horrible to me and says he does believe me and that he just gets insecure sometimes. I always assure him that I love him and that I'd never cheat on him and to stop worrying but I always ask him to stop doing this to me. I always knew though when those instances would happen that I should probably be leaving him but I hated the thought of leaving him because I did love him.

Anyway, here's the 2nd part. I became friends with a man a few months ago, while doing a hobby activity. I slowly got to know him and had some physical contact with him just because of the activity. He came across to me as such a nice man, we shared the same interest so I liked spending time with him and he was kind and always made me feel good when I was in his company. He is more than twice my age, so old enough to be my father and is married with kids that are my age. Because of all this and because I already have my bf, I never saw any of it coming. I wasn't looking for anything at all, it just happened I started to have feelings for him. I would look forward to seeing him and miss him the moment he was gone. He was just so nice to me and sometimes with things he said I would wonder if he had feelings for me too but I was sure he didn't because I thought he was such a family man. I was happy thinking that he didn't feel the same way because I knew then that I would just have to get over it and it was probably just me feeling a bit low in myself because of everything with the bf. I did feel bad having those feelings, especially because I always promised my bf that I wouldn't ever cheat on him and I didn't mean to and I can't believe I've done it It's like, I was so worn down, I just couldn't help falling for my friend because he was being so nice to me and all I was getting from my bf all the time was grief. I can't believe I ended up doing what I never thought I was capable of, I am so sad

Basically when I saw my friend last, we ended up kissing. He told me he has had feelings for me for ages and he was just so nice to me, he even said I was so precious to him and that he loves being around me Again, when he'd gone I missed him so much and he has asked me to meet him again soon. I'm in such a dilemma. I know of course I should break up with my bf anyway, it's SO obviously not working if I kissed someone else... But what to do about my friend?? I should stay away from him I know, but I don't think I can! I know he doesn't want his wife finding out etc and realistically, me and him probably won't have a future together (even if he was seperated) as he has had all his kids and I do want to settle down eventually and have kids etc and anyway my family would go mad at me for getting involved with someone like him (i.e. someone married, that much older than me etc) so really, I don't want it to be public anyway. I also just can't believe it like, I'm not ageist but I can't believe I've fallen for someone who is his age, it's just feckin mad, my friends would think I was joking if I told them I don't think I'll be able to stay away from him but I'm so scared I'll fall for him or that I maybe already have and that I'll end up getting hurt I also do feel sorry for his wife, I never meant to fall for him, I'm such an idiot, I know...

If anyone can help me I would be so grateful...

P. Breathnach

The second issue is easy to address, and you do know the answer yourself: stay away from a married man who is offering you no more than a fling.

You say that your boyfriend has problems that he is doing his best to address. It looks to me as if he is not managing. Two years seems long enough, and if he can't treat you properly now, I'd guess it unlikely that he will ever get there. I say "unlikely"; it depends to an extent on how he is dealing with things. Is he getting professional help? Perhaps that is what he needs. If he can't or won't sort things very soon, you need to look after yourself and finish with him.

The way you tell your story, it looks to me as if your developing a thing with this married man is based in the bad feeling that results from your boyfriend's behaviour. A resolution of that behaviour problem - either by his getting it sorted, or your finishing with him - should be the key to dealing with both your problems.

DazMarz

Very tough situation.

But... you CANNOT see this friend again if you cannot control yourselves. The age gap matters not one whit. What matters is that he is married and has kids. Think of what will happen to them. A wife devastated that her husband is having an affair with a woman young enough to be his (and her) daughter. His children finding out that their father, the man of the house, is having an affair with a woman who could be a big sister. It would tear his family apart. It would lead to a huge amount of acrimony, pain, suffering and betrayal. Depending on how old his children are too, this could absolutely devastate them.

I'm sorry, but you cannot drag innocent people (ie. this man's wife and children) into this. That is the bottom line. That is the main issue. The issues with your boyfriend take a back seat for me. The main issue I pick up here is the potential affair with the married man. You CANNOT do this. Full stop. No bloody way. He sounds like a lovely man, granted. He sounds like he cares about you. But he is married. He has a wife. He has children. His children (given his age; if he's twice your age/old enough to be your father) are probably not too far away from you in age; think of them. How would YOU react if you found out that your own father was having an affair with someone your own age; how does that sit?

As for the problem with your own boyfriend, tell him to get professional help for his personal problems. Sit him down and UNEQUIVOCALLY tell him that you have only ever been with one other guy and him. If he doesn't believe you, that's his problem. You know in your heart you are right and if that's not good enough for him, let him sulk. If he wants to continue his emotional blackmail, end it. You don't deserve that.

There are plenty of lovely guys out there. Your own age. Single. Stay away from the married friend if you cannot control yourselves, and get your boyfriend to stop his emotional bullying and blackmail.

Good luck.

CaraMay

What have you done? To put it bluntly you have cheated on your boyfriend and become someone's mistress.

Your bf doesn't sound like a nice guy but you seem to be using this as justification for your cheating which it isn't. It's justification for breaking up with him but not for cheating.

I'd say mr 'nice' married man is a seasoned player as he knew exactly how to play you. Walk away before you become a marriage / family wrecker. There are a lot of nice single guys out there. You don't need to be someone's but on the side.

thegreatgonzo

Walk away now from both situations and don't look back. Your boyfriend sounds like a dick and you know it's wrong to be with a married man. Like CaraMay says Mr Nice is probably playing you anyway.

Stavro Mueller

I don't like what I'm reading about your boyfriend. Maybe if he seeks professional help he can get over his issues. But to be honest I'd consider him to be on very thin ice now after the way he has been behaving towards you.

As for your friend, the only sensible thing to do here is to cut contact. You've fallen for him despite all the logical reasons you give as to why it's a terrible idea. It's only by not having him in your life that you can start to wean yourself off him.

Merkin

every so often he would question me about my past; how many partners I've had etc. Questioning is a bit mild though, he interrogates me and tells me that I'm lying. It usually happens when we've made love and are about to go to sleep. He never believes me, that I've only been with him and my ex. He says things like that I'm lying to him and that he knows I slept with other people.

I really don't like the sound of this boyfriend of yours at all. When you make love with someone you love, the cuddling up part after is so intimate and loving and special....for him to launch at you like this at what is normally a really romantic time makes me not like him at all. It also suggests that while he is making love to you he is obsessing about who has gone before him. No, just no.

It's like he has times when he's in just such a black mood and he just turns on me and gets so angry telling me all these things like that I was with other people etc, then he says that he doesn't love me, he scares me when he's like that

This sounds like it could escalate quite easily. Next thing you won't be allowed to have male friends or wear make up. He sounds like a control freak with a whole host of anger issues. You need to dump him.

Basically when I saw my friend last, we ended up kissing. He told me he has had feelings for me for ages and he was just so nice to me, he even said I was so precious to him and that he loves being around me

He's a married older man with probably years of experience in philandering so of course he is going to charm you and say nice things to you. And you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

I know he doesn't want his wife finding out etc

You bet he doesn't. Has he said this to you already? If so he is merely marking your cards. Letting you know that you'll be fine for casual sex but that he won't be leaving his wife for you. Where does that leave you exactly? Do you want to be someone's mistress?

I'm not ageist but I can't believe I've fallen for someone who is his age

You actually haven't. You have a crush on him. I also think we do have an element of choice in who we fall for. You're not at this juncture particularly involved with this man so you need to sever ties. Whatever leisure activity it is that you are involved in with him, go and find another one in another group of people.

I also do feel sorry for his wife

Oh please :rolleyes: What a ridiculous statement. Why say such a thing? Do you think saying it will absolve you? Look, it was only a kiss so well within your power to chalk it down to a mistake and leave well enough alone. This is a road you really do not want to travel down. Right now you're at a crossroads where you can take an entirely different direction. The choice is yours. If you want to waste time (you say you want a family) on playing sloppy seconds do but it will ultimately damage you. Don't do it to yourself.

My advice is to dump your nasty boyfriend and recommend he go and see a psychiatrist. You need to sever ties with this married guy and then go and be single for a while. You're on the precipice of an abusive relationship while contemplating being a mistress to a married man which suggests to me you're simply not in the headspace for any kind of relationship right now. Go work on your self esteem for now and ultimately you won't make such appalling choices in future.

heretochat

To sum up - you have a very possessive boyfriend who sounds like not the best in the world to put it mildly.

Scondly - never see this other man again. He is married and prepared to cheat on his wife. You don't want to go there period..

Tramps Like Us

You're being played like a fiddle. Cop on and stop being naive. He's married with kids. You lost any moral high ground or sympathy from me when you cheated on your bf with a MARRIED MAN

Tbh your account of your bf reads like you are trying to excuse your actions and I wouldn't be surprised if they were exaggerated but in any case NOTHING justifies becoming a home wrecker.

Your next step has to include not seeing the married man. Tbh you should break up with your bf he doesn't sound the most stable, you don't sound that happy, and in any case his fears about you cheating have turned out to be well founded

jdsk2006

If only you had a crystal ball to see how this crush will end up i guarantee you wouldnt pursue your married friend! A bitterly divided family who will never accept you, lonely standing on the sidelines for christmas and family occasions that you be excluded from ....all whilst you bid him farewell to be with his family! That of course is assuming he will actually leave his wife for you down the road! Until then you get to be his dirty secret and build a relationship on snatched windows of opportunity......

get rid of your boyfriend too....neither of these men are your destiny

Obliq

Merkin spelled out exactly what I was thinking when I read your story OP, and you can't beat that for advice IMO. I'd like to add this though: When you have allowed (just by staying with them) someone to treat you as crappily as your bf is doing with his controlling and intimidating fantastical behaviour, and then someone else comes along into your life and treats you with kindness, you will put that kindness on a pedastal and probably feel love for that person even if they're 80.

This "Mr Nice" fella saw that a mile off (in fact, it's horribly easy to see when someone is unused to kindness) and has basically been gifted a pretty young woman who is going to fall for the charm. I'm sure you hate hearing that, and it may be contradictory to what you think, but remember you have him on a pedestal. You do. You really do. There's lots of nice guys out there, and they're not all taken, so go be alone for a bit I'd say.

loalae

I think you need to ask yourself why you're accepting this behaviour from your bf and the married man. Then when you find the answer (I imagine it's low self-esteem and an inability to be single), you need to address that.

Do you like being interrogated in an aggressive manner by your bf? Do you want to be a married man's dirty little secret? If you do, fair enough - go for it, accept their behaviour and hurt innocent people (but don't whine about "feeling sorry for his wife")

For me, neither of these relationships would be in any way acceptable. I also find it hard to believe that anyone would find them desirable. But it's your life and if you want to hurt yourself and this man's family there's nothing anyone here can say to stop you.