Something wrong or just not interested?

GlobalSun

Hi!

So, I'm in quite confused right now. I recently finished college and I've been working in a field which I absolutely love. I never thought I'd end up working in such field right after college so I'm very focused on my work now.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. He's very sweet, ambitious and good looking. He's not my type but we get along well. Initially, I wanted to meet someone because I was tired of being single. However, he seems pretty nice and I decided to give him a real shot. We're supposed to go on our first date next Saturday but I've been reassessing the situation for the past three days.


He's a really cool guy but for some reason, I feel as though I haven't reached a certain point in my career to allow myself to date yet. Knowing myself when I start dating a guy, I tend to lose 20% of my focus and I certainly don't want this happening. I've just started building this career and I don't want any disruption. If I start dating this guy, I'm afraid I'll be giving up on too much of my "personal" work time, and therefore, waste time. For some reason, I've become work obsessed and I can't picture myself dating anyone right now as much I as I'd love to. Dating someone takes up so much of my time, I'm not sure I'm ready to deliver anything at this point.


Should I just cancel on this guy or give it a shot anyway?

LegacyUser

You say yourself that you've become "work obsessed" - you might want to look into that. It'll take everything you give it though and more, if you are willing to put the hours in.

You are allowed time to yourself and time for a boyfriend if you want one.

Have you worked out a life/work balance plan?

CaraMay

You have answered yourself. You want to work more than you want to date so cancel with him.

thegreatgonzo

GlobalSun wrote: »

Hi!

I met this guy about three weeks ago. He's very sweet, ambitious and good looking. He's not my type but we get along well.

He's a really cool guy

Should I just cancel on this guy or give it a shot anyway?

If he's as good as all that I think you are mad to be considering not going out with him.
If you can't balance work with a social life you need to learn how because being obsessed with work isn't healthy in the long run.
You might find when you go on the date that you aren't into him anyway. But at least you gave it a shot.

Merkin

Anyone who puts work before their personal life is bonkers in my opinion.

LegacyUser

Ok...so this is my opinion arising from the undertow of your post...

It sounds as though you are trying to logically reason out why you don't want to date him. You mentioned being very dedicated to your career and I think you are using this as an excuse to make sense of why you don't want to go out with him. I think you might even fully believe its the reason yourself. Indeed it is a good excuse, an excuse that relieves you from feeling overly guilty for "reassessing" this "pretty nice" guy. However, I think its your gut instinct saying that he isn't the right guy. He may tick all the boxes, as you stated, and logically you SHOULD want to go out with him but feelings don't correspond with logic. When you are really attracted to someone and really excited about it then there is no second guessing. Something is missing, maybe a spark, that elusive chemistry, just something. Don't feel like you have to logically reason here because you can't and don't have to.

Would you want to be a viewed as a potential "disruption" to someone elses' life if the situation was reversed? Don't give it a second thought and cancel it. You will meet someone who you would move heaven and earth for, never mind someone who you wouldn't mind missing a day of work for! :P

Good Luck!

strobe

Yeah I think I'd agree with Orangesquash. You say it plain enough in your second paragraph. He's not your type but you're sick of being single. Not how the great love stories tend to begin... If that's how he was approaching dating you would you be optimistic for how things would pan out? I'd leave it.

heretochat

I would say don't be stringing this guy along as it is patently clear that you are not interested in him.

Do the decent thing and cancel the date

GlobalSun

I agree with you guys. I think I'm just not interested because if I were I wouldn't question this date at all. He might be great on paper but at the end of the day, if I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to force myself. I'm going to cancel and tell him the truth just so that he doesn't ask to reschedule.

beks101

Not to patronize, but you're obviously quite young and at the early, early stages in your career where you're still a bit starry-eyed about it all and putting it up on a pedestal it doesn't deserve.

It's a job at the end of the day, and regardless of ambition or hunger or passion for what you do, it will function to pay the bills like any other job. Sacrificing all the 'life' stuff that serves to make you a balanced, grounded and complete human being will lead you down an unhappy path no matter how successful you are. And make you, frankly, a little bit boring and one-dimensional to anyone you meet.

I respect your ambition but think you need to stop and take a more mature approach if you want a long-term career without burning out a few years down the line when you find yourself miserable, lonely and unfulfilled. You CAN be ambitious and successful and still maintain a personal, social and love life, no matter what the industry. People do it every day. I've done it both ways, I've been successful both ways, and I've only recently become a happy person and started to ACTUALLY enjoy my career and use it to enhance my personality and my dinner party conversation, as opposed to letting it define me. It's a job, it's one part of me, not the whole sum.

So basically, date. If not this guy, the next one. If you neglect these fun, frivolous years of dating and meeting men, you'll be amazed at how quickly the years will pass and suddenly you're late twenties, early thirties, mid thirties...with a fabulous career and no-one to come home to. I work in a competitive industry and see it in people around me all the time - none of them happy, most of them resentful of their jobs and pretty obviously miserable. The most successful ones are those who have learned to balance it all and thusly have managed to preserve that child-like enthusiasm and awe for what they get to do for a living.

CaraMay

GlobalSun wrote: »

I agree with you guys. I think I'm just not interested because if I were I wouldn't question this date at all. He might be great on paper but at the end of the day, if I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to force myself. I'm going to cancel and tell him the truth just so that he doesn't ask to reschedule.

Just tell him you have decided not to date due to work.

The Corinthian

There's no rule that says that when you 'date' you have to put in a certain level of commitment. You could have a more casual relationship, even just friends with benefits, if you want and that would not take up that much of your time. Not every relationship has to have a serious agenda attached to it as long as both parties are comfortable with the level it's at.

Merkin

The Corinthian wrote: »

There's no rule that says that when you 'date' you have to put in a certain level of commitment.

Totally agree with this.

OP it's just a date. That's all. It should be FUN. There is absolutely no obligation or commitment with a date and if he has all these attributes you mention then I think you should go and enjoy his company anyway. You don't have to marry him. There doesn't have to be an agenda. You sound terribly uptight for such a young person and maybe a fun date could help you relax a little and take your focus away from work for a while?

TwoGallants

I'll never understand why so many people want to make their life entirely about their career. On your deathbed, the last thing you'll be thinking is 'I wish I had spent more time in meetings'.

stargazer 68

OP the guy has asked you out for a drink not to marry him! For all you know it may only turn out to be one date! Why sit in on Saturday night thinking about work when you could be out possibly having a good time. Stop putting the cart before the horse!

ivytwine

I think you need to relax OP, you are very passionate about your career and that's great, but you have to let yourself have a life too.

You seem to be taking all this quite seriously. It's only a date- he might decide he wants nothing more from it, you might just have a fling, what's to lose?

thegreatgonzo

Exactly as ivy says he might not want much of a commitment anyway. You said yourself he is ambitious too which is great.
I get you wanting to focus on work, I am into what I do too, but sometimes a great guy can come along at the wrong time and no guy might come along at the right time. You can't control this.
Also, if you aren't able to chill out and have fun on a casual date, when you are ready to date will you be as obsessed about it as you are about your job? That wouldn't be good.

Tokyo

Thread Closed.


Mike