He cheated

Skinnylatte

Hi everyone. I feel like you've all read something along these lines before but naively I want to feel like my case is different. I am living with my OH been together for a few years and found out last week he cheated. Basically got hammered on a night out and woke up in her bed. This man has been everything to me and I to him. I could go on and on about how great a couple we are/ were. I can't bring myself to do it. He asked/begged for forgiveness. It will never ever happen again, he wants no other and wants a life and family with me. I love him dearly but he has crushed me by having sex with someone else. Why would he do it? He can't explain, he can't remember anything and doesn't even know who she is. I said, lies! At some point I would have had to come into his head and he was a coward to back out. I was met with silence at this point. How can you forgive this? Can couples get over this? I can't imagine my life without him. I am so so sad.

CaraMay

I personally couldn't the back from the behrayal but plenty do. Did he tell to you?

Skinnylatte

CaraMay wrote: »

I personally couldn't the back from the behrayal but plenty do. Did he tell to you?

Yes he told me. Said he felt sick, can't believe himself he said it's like it happened to someone else

llambert

Skinnylatte wrote: »

Yes he told me. Said he felt sick, can't believe himself he said it's like it happened to someone else

At least he had the decency to do that. Your world has been rocked so don't rush into anything. How has he been since? If you forgive him does he expect things to just carry on as before or is he willing to do alot of hard work to make things right.

CaraMay

Does he drink to that level of unconsciousness often or do you think it's a line he is spinning you to absolve himself a bit.

jackboy

Maybe his drink was spiked. Happens. If not drink has a bad affect on him so he needs to quit.

Skinnylatte

llambert wrote: »

At least he had the decency to do that. Your world has been rocked so don't rush into anything. How has he been since? If you forgive him does he expect things to just carry on as before or is he willing to do alot of hard work to make things right.

We have talked, very calmly. I have listened to him and I have told him how much he has hurt me. He says he will do anything to build my trust in him up again. If he gets a second chance he will spend every day making up for his mistake, that he can't have is life without me and it's as if he just realised all if this.

Skinnylatte

CaraMay wrote: »

Does he drink to that level of unconsciousness often or do you think it's a line he is spinning you to absolve himself a bit.

CaraMay, yes, he us not a regular drinker but at times when he goes out without me he takes ways too much and falls asleep and can't remember a thing. Sometimes even if we are out as a couple I'll say remember such and such and he is baffled as he doesn't recall.

Typer Monkey

Is he willing to give up drinking? If he is saying that he remembers nothing of the entire interaction with this woman, from initial meeting/conversation to having sex with her then he has a serious problem with how he handles alcohol and needs to stop drinking. In fact that complete of a blackout and that level of out of character behaviour should be terrifying him into abstinence. I know it would me!

He is to be commended for telling you straight away. He's not in the same category as someone who knowingly, repeatedly cheats or conducts an affair. However the fact remains that he had sex with another woman (possibly unprotected??) and his next step after having confessed is to give up drinking.

Actually whether your relationship survives or not, he should knock drinking on the head. If he's gettin into complete blackout territory he could easily end up in the canal/under a car/engaging in criminal behaviour etc

Skinnylatte

I hear you and agree. That would need to come from him. I can't and won't be telling him to give it up. How long would that last? Me controlling his actions.
Yes the sex was unprotected which is another kick in the stomach.
I should have also said that he lied in the beginning about where he was. I told him in my heart I knew he was lying and he had to tell the truth. It was only then he told me. I asked him what would he have done if I had believed him, would he ever have told me. His response was that he didn't believe himself what he had done, he couldn't get his head around it.

Typer Monkey

Having said the above I would also add that I don't believe this 'black-out' absolves him of anything by the way. If he does indeed remember nothing of the interaction with this woman (I find that hard to believe) it just means that he can't answer any questions about the details, the where, how, why, when etc.

He may have been drunk last night but he hant had a lobotomy. From the moment his interaction with her entered flirty/sexy territory he decided to continue with it until it's final conclusion in her bed. Just because you are drunk doesn't mean you forget about your girlfriend. He can't remember all the details but that doesn't absolve him of anything. He chatted up another woman/was receptive to being chatted up. Spent time in her company, kissed her, decided to go home with her and had sex with her. Just because he can't remember his thought processes now doesn't mean he didn't decide to plough ahead at each decision point, completely disregarding your existence and feelings

CaraMay

Yeah well I find it hard to believe he doesn't remember any part of the a-z of his interaction with this woman but maybe...

He certainly needs to give up drink and also needs to get Sti testing (as you do if you slept with him since his fling).

Skinnylatte

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Having said the above I would also add that I don't believe this 'black-out' absolves him of anything by the way. If he does indeed remember nothing of the interaction with this woman (I find that hard to believe) it just means that he can't answer any questions about the details, the where, how, why, when etc.

He may have been drunk last night but he hant had a lobotomy. From the moment his interaction with her entered flirty/sexy territory he decided to continue with it until it's final conclusion in her bed. Just because you are drunk doesn't mean you forget about your girlfriend. He can't remember all the details but that doesn't absolve him of anything. He chatted up another woman/was receptive to being chatted up. Spent time in her company, kissed her, decided to go home with her and had sex with her. Just because he can't remember his thought processes now doesn't mean he didn't decide to plough ahead at each decision point, completely disregarding your existence and feelings

I 100% agree with you, there is no way he doesn't remember it and can make any excuse for his behaviour. He choose to be in the person's company and choose to leave the bar and go to her house. He is weak and a coward.

freshpopcorn

Hi OP!
How would you feel OP if you went on a night out(Had a few drinks/chatted to people) and the next morning you woke up in bed with a man and you couldn't remember what happened the night before. You then decided to tell your boyfriend about what happened and he didn't believe you.

Some people can forgive people and others can't.

Tigger99

OP you mention he didn't use protection. How does he know this if he can't remember?

He choose to tell you. Out of guilt or before you found out from someone else I wonder?

That he gets that drunk is very worrying - cheater or no cheater.

seenitall

Skinnylatte wrote: »

Yes the sex was unprotected

Hi OP,

so what you're saying is you could still become a step-mum out of this?

Nice.

I don't know if I could forgive this, and equally I don't know if I could walk away from an otherwise good relationship over it, OP, it is a very emotionally loaded situation and you have to find your own answer to it.

What I do know is that it would be a huge struggle for me on what to do, so I would probably be taking some time and distance from the relationship to clear my head somewhat after the shock, and decide on the best way to move on.

I really feel for you, OP, best wishes on whatever you decide.

Boombastic

In my opinion using drink as an excuse is cowardly and removes the blame from himself

dellas1979

I dont believe him-that he doesnt remember any of it.

Plus he came clean after you persisted not to believe him.

I always say in these cases, listen to your gut/instinct, and so far youve been right.

Can your relationship come back from this? Course it can. But what happens to you the next time he goes out drinking again? You wont trust him and his convenient "memory lapses". It is beyond hard to argue a point when a person claims they dont remember anything.

Skinnylatte

Thank you all for your responses. I am definitely taking time to myself. I am completely numb, I am totally lost, I am heart broken. I am not at our place and will stay with friends for a bit.

I didn't get round to asking any details about his encounter other than what I have said here on the forum.
Should I even go there? I don't know.
Part of me feels I have to know.

A lot of issues raised here that I will reflect on and perhaps put these questions to him when we meet again.

Tasden

Op I think you're being very calm about it all and I respect you for looking at it objectively and calmly rather than allowing the hurt to take you over.

I honestly think that if I were in your position I'd WANT to forgive and move on and accept his promises but in reality I doubt I'd be ABLE to. I'd become possessive, jealous, insecure.... all those emotions that come with this kind of betrayal.

As for asking questions, I know in the past I've asked the questions thinking that if I knew the details I could maybe get my head around it but the thing is when you're clasping at straws to try grab the truth from them so you can begin to trust them again you actually don't believe what they are saying to you. Nothing they say sounds like the truth and you begin to try convince yourself that you believe it but it won't work. Well that's what I found anyway.

However having said that, in my position I was being promised the moon and the stars and a lifetime of making it up to me, when in reality the guy just couldn't accept that things weren't going to go back to normal straight away. He wasn't willing to be patient and allow me my own time to allow forgiveness to come naturally. So when the guy who wronged you is not sincere enough to give it time then obviously its not going to work. So perhaps in your case forgiveness may come easily if he really is genuine in his promise to repair the relationship. Just remember that it is going to take effort from BOTH of you- he will need to build back the trust and be patient with you but you also need to be prepared to work at forgiving him, its not going to work if he's constantly working at it and you are still resentful and not in a position to let him back in. Its alot easier said than done and only you know if you genuinely can do that.

Take your time to think it through. Let him know not to expect every conversation to be the one where things are resolved. You're going to need to discuss things and then take them away and think about them in your own time. At the same time though he can't be strung along either as its as much his love and relationship as it is yours regardless of the hurt he has caused. You're dealing really well with it all though so well done. Pm me if you like. These things do take time and you will go through stages of feeling like you'll never be the same again and then two minutes later thinking that your love will be stronger for it. And I think in reality its a bit of both. Things won't be the same as they were but you can either cut your losses and get a fresh start it you can work through it and know that if you've overcome this then there's nothing you can't deal with together.

Hope I've helped even a little. Its one of those things were only you and him know what to do though.

fiload

Coming from a guys guys perspective who has had some wreckless night, it can happen that I blackout and wake up not knowing hours of a night out, so I wouldn't disbelieve that part of the story.

However, I would be weary that these things can have deep reasons behind them. Analyse you're relationship calmly and dont let others over influence your decision. Don't put things to the back of your mind, get things out in the open that worry you and if you really see yourself and him having a happy future then forgive fully, dont hold a forever grudge.

Skinnylatte

fiload wrote: »

Coming from a guys guys perspective who has had some wreckless night, it can happen that I blackout and wake up not knowing hours of a night out, so I wouldn't disbelieve that part of the story.

However, I would be weary that these things can have deep reasons behind them. Analyse you're relationship calmly and dont let others over influence your decision. Don't put things to the back of your mind, get things out in the open that worry you and if you really see yourself and him having a happy future then forgive fully, dont hold a forever grudge.

Thanks and it's good to hear from a guy's perspective as I know we handle things very differently. I can't begin to even express how let down and disgusted I am by the man I loved. I don't know what to say to him, I feel sick.
I am waiting to see how he will approach this as all he has done so far since we met to talk is text me.

Merkin

You poor thing, what a horrible situation to be in.

Have you been for an STI screening? It's quite important that you do so to have yourself checked.

I also think you need some time out for yourself. You seem to be feeling a lot of angst about what to do but you are under no obligation to make that decision immediately. Take some time to process what has happened, ask him the questions that need answering and don't rush into making any decisions on the future of your relationship until you have thought everything through. As someone else pointed out, if you are going to forgive him then you need to do this wholeheartedly so don't reconcile with him until you're ready to fully move on from this if that's what you decide to do.

Can I ask a personal question? What is your sex life like normally? I ask this because I do tend to think that men who have an active sex life at home rarely stray. It tends to be men who aren't getting it to so much or at all who go off and seek it elsewhere. I ask because if you have a happy and healthy sex life then I would be inclined to believe him. If you are not enjoying a regular and fulfilling sex life then I would be more inclined to believe that he went looking for it, regardless of him being inebriated or not.

Personally I think drinking too much booze is a pi$$ poor excuse for having unprotected sex with some random woman but that's just me. I don't think any of us can really say what we would do in your unfortunate situation until confronted it with it first hand. I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

Tasden

I agree with Merkin but I also don't think its as black and white as good sex life means he wouldn't stray. I know you didn't exactly say that merkin, so im not trying to put words in your mouth, but sometimes people just get drunk, see a pretty girl, like the attention/ ego boost and it happens. Or a whole host of other reasons. But it is important to take your sex life into account in evaluating your relationship as a whole.

Merkin

No you're 100% correct Tasden. It doesn't follow that if you have a good sex life then you definitively will not stray. Not at all. People cheat for all sorts of reasons and a good sex life with their partner won't stop some people. However I asked because it seems that there are so many couples in LTRs who don't seem to bother putting effort into their sex life and when this happens, I think it is a lot easier to understand why one or both parties makes a decision to go look for it elsewhere. Definitely not mutually exclusive though!

heretochat

Like others I wouldn't necessarily buy his excuse about not remembering any of the encounter. This is the oldest line in the book where drinking to excess is concerned.

Second concern is that he did not 100% volunteer the truth to you and only admitted to the encounter when pushed. So how much of the truth is he actually telling..

DeltaWhite

Hey OP

First of all I am sorry you have been dumped into this situation It's an awful place to be.

In my opinion, I could never ever forgive my OH if he had sex with someone else. If it was just a kiss then I could forgive that but sex? Nope!

I recently went out drinking with a friend and I got "blackout" drunk for the first time. Horrible horrible experience! Never again. I had absolutely no idea what happened, how I got home, or why I had cuts and bruises all over me.

In saying that, it is extremely easy to use the "I was drunk" excuse. Too easy. Fair enough maybe he doesn't remember anything the next day, but he would have known at the time what he was doing wasn't right but he still went and did it. Getting hammered is a cop out excuse in my opinion. I do have a friend who's OH cheated on her THREE times whilst he was "hammered drunk" and fair play to her she gave him more chances than I would have and they are still together. But only because he stopped drinking, he obviously knew that drink was the problem. He hasn't drank in 3 years now and no problems for them.


The question you need to ask yourself is: if you choose to stay with him, is he going to stop the drinking so much when he's out? It's a very big thing to promise someone!

Tramps Like Us

OP your bf has a serious drinking problem.

As for the blackout part, if he regularly blackouts then I'd believe him, people handle drink differently.

He may have consciously been talking to her and maybe some harmless flirting with no desire to take it further and then went into a blackout and awoke hours later in her house. It is certainly possible.

Ask him if he would be willing to give up drinking. It's something he should do anyway because he has major problems. This is the angle you should approach it from

Couples do get over things like this all the time

Skinnylatte

Thank you for your responses yet again. It hurts me to admit this but I have had issues with our sex life. I have discussed many a time with OH in the last 6 months that we do not have enough sex and that he doesn't seem like he fancies me. He absolutely assured me this was not the case and that work/ exhaustion/ time schedules etc were the only reason. After this conversation he made more effort but it always lacked romance and intimacy for me. He showers me with love and affection 7 days a week. I don't know if this is all connected.

Penny Tration

You have a lack of intimacy and sex and then he gets drunk and sleeps with someone? That'd hurt me a hell of a lot, so I can only imagine how you feel right now.

Has he addressed the issue with drink? He has a serious problem with alcohol if him blacking out is a semi-regular thing.

I have to be brutally honest - if he claims he can't remember anything, how can he say the sex was unprotected? If he can remember that, I'd imagine he remembers more than he's letting on.

Merkin

Skinnylatte wrote: »

Thank you for your responses yet again. It hurts me to admit this but I have had issues with our sex life. I have discussed many a time with OH in the last 6 months that we do not have enough sex and that he doesn't seem like he fancies me. He absolutely assured me this was not the case and that work/ exhaustion/ time schedules etc were the only reason. After this conversation he made more effort but it always lacked romance and intimacy for me. He showers me with love and affection 7 days a week. I don't know if this is all connected.

Do you think there is any chance this might have been more than a one off? I mean you confronted him about this indiscretion because you sussed it out but do you think this is the first time? Could he be having an affair? Do you think he may have slept with other people before this?

I'd be deeply upset and disturbed that he is not enthusiastic about having sex with you but then went and got it elsewhere so casually. To me this changes things enormously. I personally wouldn't forgive him in light of what else you've told us.

Skinnylatte

Do you know that feeling that you get but you can't say it out loud or to anyone else as it makes it more real. That's how I feel Merkin. I truly don't know if this has happened before I have asked and he has denied but I find it too hard to believe. I need to talk to him later in the week. I need closure to move on, with unanswered questions I will torture myself.

Merkin

You poor girl, you must be shattered.

You might not get all the answers you want/deserve so be prepared for that. I find in the absence of evidence it is best to go with your gut instinct on an issue.

Take a few days out to be good to yourself and get your head together.

yermandan

So sorry that you are going through this. Can I suggest that you tell him NO CONTACT between now and your next meet-up? No texting, as he has been doing. This will afford you dedicated time to think and get space as even if it is only the odd text, you are always expecting it.

Wishing you all the best

im confused again

So sorry to hear your OH cheated. My wife cheated on me. I was not a bad husband, spent loads of time together, I did not work late, did anything I could for her etc etc yet she still cheated. We tried to make it work but it didn't and we split up.

When people are in a relationship with somebody we must behave in an appropriate way towards people of the opposite sex. To end up in somebodies bed means that level after level of inappropriate behaviour happened. Flirting in the bar, touching each other in the bar, agreeing to go back to the house, and so on and so on. You don't just end up in somebody else's bed!!

Some people can forgive and forget, but I'm not one of those people. Maybe you are.

take your time, give yourself space. Good luck, I know what you are going through.

dellas1979

Merkin wrote: »

I'd be deeply upset and disturbed that he is not enthusiastic about having sex with you but then went and got it elsewhere so casually.

Yeah-I agree. In light of this information, this is an enormous huge red flag.

The relationship had some problems (that you tried to talk to him about), doesnt seem like anything was resolved, he got blinded drunk, had sex with someone else, and claims he cant remember anything.

Can you please just remember, you didnt do anything wrong. Youve tried your best. So, if you start to torture yourself, will you please give yourself that thought.

ShaShaBear

The red flag here for me is him not remembering anything except waking up next to this woman, and yet he knows he had sex with her and knows it was unprotected.
My partner has twice, in the 6 years we've been together, drank himself into a blackout stage, and once I was present for it. I can tell you now that he could barely keep himself up, let alone his member

I'd be inclined to think that he reckoned that him not remembering it would equate (in your mind) to him never meaning for it to happen and not intentionally doing it.
But if he knows he had sex with her, without remembering the act, how he met her or how he got back to her place, and he knows he didn't use a condom, despite not knowing anything until he woke up beside her, he's not doing a very good job at covering his story!

purplekitty

Don't listen to people saying that they wouldn't take him back.
Everyone is different.
Everyone's relationship is different.
Major Kudo's for him telling you straight away, it shows that he is upset at himself.

Hope everything works out for you guys. But you have to really look into the future and see if this is something you can live with.

Addle

purplekitty wrote: »

Don't listen to people saying that they wouldn't take him back.
Everyone is different.
Everyone's relationship is different.
Major Kudo's for him telling you straight away, it shows that he is upset at himself.

Hope everything works out for you guys. But you have to really look into the future and see if this is something you can live with.

I agree that everyone is different.
But did he tell her because he's upset or to ease his guilt?

purplekitty

Its hard to tell,
At least she didn't find out off someone or through, i dunno, facebook or something.
It means he waned to get it out in the open to work through it with her.

I applaud his honesty

christinekiki

Okay, so he admitted cheating after you sussed he was lying. Hard to know if he would have offered up the info on his own, you will never know so no point worrying about it.

He woke up next to her but doesn't remember a thing? Did he have sex with her then- is that how he knew he had unprotected sex? Or did he ask her?

has he had an STI test? he needs to have one, as do you if you have been intimate since.
has he been in contact with her since? Do you trust that he hasn't?

there are a lot of questions, and many answers you probably don't want. Stay strong OP, you deserve better than what happened. Remember that.

castle

Ask him face to face to open up all his email accounts and then you may see emails he may have been sending, if he says he forgets password as has not used this account for years then good bet he cheating for a while,

jackofalltrades

Skinnylatte wrote: »

Thank you for your responses yet again. It hurts me to admit this but I have had issues with our sex life. I have discussed many a time with OH in the last 6 months that we do not have enough sex and that he doesn't seem like he fancies me. He absolutely assured me this was not the case and that work/ exhaustion/ time schedules etc were the only reason. After this conversation he made more effort but it always lacked romance and intimacy for me. He showers me with love and affection 7 days a week. I don't know if this is all connected.

It looks you've been trying hard to resolve issues with the relationship, that seem to originate from him, in a mature and responsible manner.
You've basically asked him for more sex, and his response to all of this is to have a ONS with someone else.

I don't think he's being honest or reasonable with you at all.