Looking for your thoughts

Worriedmind

Hi,

Myself and my fiancee have recently gotten engaged and are waiting to move into our new house next May. So everythings finally going great in our lives apart from our age! We're both 32 and would ideally like to wait until we're married before we have kids...but that could mean we're 33 before even getting pregnant, 34 before the first is born and say 36 by the time the second comes along.

My questions are..is this too old, are we waiting around for nothing? Should we just abandon the idea of waiting until we're married before getting pregnant?

Thanks!

Sligo1

Worriedmind wrote: »

Hi,

Myself and my fiancee have recently gotten engaged and are waiting to move into our new house next May. So everythings finally going great in our lives apart from our age! We're both 32 and would ideally like to wait until we're married before we have kids...but that could mean we're 33 before even getting pregnant, 34 before the first is born and say 36 by the time the second comes along.

My questions are..is this too old, are we waiting around for nothing? Should we just abandon the idea of waiting until we're married before getting pregnant?

Thanks!

Hi there! I don't think 34 is too old! But of course it all really depends on how many ye would like to have. Friends of mine who got married about a year and half ago have just got pregnant and they are both around 35 I think. And in the today's world many people are only starting their families now at your age.

Of course a woman's fertility decreases as she gets a bit older... Now don't quote me on this but I think it may possibly be a little harder or take a little longer to get pregnant after 35ish. But then that's not all couples either! I know my few friends who are now pregnant and over 35 have found it slightly more difficult this time around to conceive. As in it took them a while to get pregnant. And others got pregnant straight away.

I'll tell you what I did tho!

Me and my then fiancé got engaged when I was 29. Like you I wanted kids. But I always wanted to have started by the time I was 30 (all going well). I would've been nearly 31 by the time wedding was over etc. and we werent sure if we would get pregnant straight away after. anyways as it was going to be a year and a half before the wedding we pretty much said if we tried to get pregnant straight away, baby would be due 6 months before the wedding... This giving me time to get in shape and fit into my dress!!! Lol.

We were lucky in that we got pregnant straight away and had a gorgeous little boy! Had our wedding 6 months later (may just gone). And now I'm 6 months pregnant again and due in March.

Do whatever feels right for you as a couple! If you feel you are in a very secure relationship then you could go for it before the wedding. Babies do put stress on a relationship however.
We didnt get to have the big honeymoon etc and we don't get that much time together as a one on one couple. But we knew all this before we had our boy and it didnt deter us at all. IMHO it's worth it! But I can totally understand new married couples might want to enjoy their early marriage days and go away or get out etc etc.

Goodluck with whatever ye decide!

nikpmup

I started TTC with my late husband as soon as the wedding ring was on (at 28), I naively assumed I'd be preggo straight away. It didn't happen for us unfortunately, I've just had my first child at nearly 38 with my partner. We'd like at least one more, so I'm very aware of the loud TICK TOCK ringing in my ears! Leaving an 18 month gap (very small, I know!) will mean I'm nearly 40 having #2, I think #3 might be pushing it but you never know I suppose.

For me the issue isn't so much the decrease in fertility, it's more that the risk of things like Down's syndrome is higher as the woman's eggs get older. I work with people with severe learning disabilities, so I suppose it's higher up on my radar. We declined screening on this pregnancy on the grounds that if we discovered we had a child with a disability we wouldn't consider termination, so we figured we'd wait until the child was born to find out if all was well, thankfully he's fine. But as I get older the risk increases so our next pregnancy will be quite worrisome.

The only people who can decide how and when to have your family is you. I waited until I was married to start trying, in hindsight, perhaps I would have started trying sooner, perhaps then I wouldn't be in this race against time. But the flip side of that is that if I HAD been able to have children with my late husband, those children would now be fatherless. I certainly wouldn't be with my lovely partner, I'd have been too busy being a single mother to start dating. My point is I suppose, you never know what's around the corner. You only get one life; my philosophy these days is Go For It - that philosophy has been shaped by my life experience, I found out that life and death doesn't wait for you to make up your mind, it happens around you.

Good look whatever you decide - the most important thing is that you are planning a home and a family and a secure life with the man you love

Moonbeam

It is up to you,if it means that much then why not get legally married now and then try for the baby? and then still have your "wedding" as planned.

Sarah Bear

Have a little read through the long termers ttc thread.
Don't leave it too late

pwurple

Same as I'd say to anyone. You need 3 months notice to marry. Why not get married in 3 months time. You can have the party anytime.
When we knew we wanted to get married, we did that.

You may be lucky and get pregnant straight away. Loads of people do. But we were trying about 6 years, started in my late twenties. If you both know what you want, then i wouldn't hang about.

I know plenty of people who do the marriage and babies the other way around as well. Little harder to organise (with a baby to mind) but seems to work out fine too.

January

3 babies and pregnant on the fourth and we'll be getting married next year

Why do you feel you need to married before you have kids? It's totally up to you.

lainycool

My story is the same as sligo1,had our little boy in June and got married on Friday just gone, for us babies were more important than marriage, you can get married anytime whereas you don't know how your ttc journey is going to go!

Good luck on whatever you decide.

Millem

I always think if you wait for everything to be "perfect" you might be waiting a very long time! (Even longer than you anticipated) We are together 10 and half years and engaged for 1. If waited until we bought the house (which lets face it might be 1,2 or even 3 years) got married (add another year just for money reasons!), then god only knows how long it would take to conceive we would be lucky to have our first child by 34/35! We started trying last year and to my shock it took us 6months to conceive and I had my ovulation dates down to a tee!! I thought it would happen straight away as it had done with both of my sisters! At our first scan the consultant said we were very lucky to have conceived without help as the discovered I had a fibroids (which I never knew existed)! A marriage certificate doesn't matter to me, we will get married and buy a house but for me starting our family was more important

firsttimemammy

I was faced with the same dilemma as you, and would have liked to have been married first before we started trying for a baby.

Time ticked on, I was 35 and we decided that we'd start trying and see what happened. Within a couple of months, I got pregnant. Unfortunately, it ended in a miscarriage, but we got over this and started trying again. Luckily, it only took another couple of months and I'm currently 36, and 6 months pregnant.

In the interim, he proposed and we're booked to get married in 2015, when baby will be about 10 months old.

I'm glad we did it this way, because, as people have said, you can be lucky TTCing or you can be unlucky, and it's not always to do with age either!

If you want to have kids, and are worried about age and fertility, then I say go for it! As it's already been said, you can get married at any stage!!

On the flipside though, I made a comment at my hospital appointment last week that I was an 'older' Mum at 36. My midwife flapped me away. She said it wasn't as 'old' as it used to be. She currently has pregnant ladies attending in their mid-40s.

ShaShaBear

We got engaged last year, and also planned to be married before we started TTC. All was going ahead and we were hoping to be booking the wedding this month for two Novembers away, leaving me at 28, and him about to turn 31.

Disaster struck, the car coughed its last and we had to use our deposit money to get a new one, leaving us in no position to book it any time soon. My partner then voiced that he always hoped he would have one kid at least before he turned 30, and I agreed that we had no reason to wait, so we started trying. Glad we did now, I can get married any time, but I have no control over my fertile years and want to be young and fresh watching my kids grow up!

Mink

I'd say go for it. And if you want to get married in between that baby and getting preg again then give yourself at least 9 months to give you a chance to lose the weight (if it's a concern) & recover.

Also bear in mind that you won't be able to be any kind of a bridezilla in the run up to your wedding if you have a small baby. What I'm saying is you won't have as much time to put into the organising and planning as you would have without a baby, but then I'm sure you'll have people to help.

But yeah, if ye want to have a baby, just go for it. You'd regret not having one sooner more than not getting married probably.

Sarah Bear

I'm currently pregnant with my first I'm 27 my partner is 37 our pregnancy was very much planned. We decided to have a baby before we got married as my other half didn't want to leave it much later as he is a bit older than me! It's funny how now even in 2013 that people still think you should be married before having babies! I've had quiet a few comments from people about not being married!

pwurple

Sarah Bear wrote: »

It's funny how now even in 2013 that people still think you should be married before having babies! I've had quiet a few comments from people about not being married!

Well, to be fair, there are legalities which are very different regarding children and marriage. Guardianship isn't automatic for the father unless you are married. It can be arranged separately afterwards, but people often don't get around to it. There are other things got to do with next-of-kin and inheritance, consent, travel rights.

I've heard terrible stories about the mother passing away, and battles over custody of children resulting because they weren't married. It puts the man in a more vulnerable position in general towards any children, even more so if the relationship breaks down.

I'm very aware of my own mortality, and my husbands mortality, as we've both had a couple of close shaves over the years we've been together. Planning what would happen to our children in those events comes into our thinking, as we both know we could be hit by a bus on the way home today.

Sligo1

Sarah Bear wrote: »

I'm currently pregnant with my first I'm 27 my partner is 37 our pregnancy was very much planned. We decided to have a baby before we got married as my other half didn't want to leave it much later as he is a bit older than me! It's funny how now even in 2013 that people still think you should be married before having babies! I've had quiet a few comments from people about not being married!

When i was around 7-8 months with my first I had a fella at work (around 50-60yo) ask me if the pregnancy was planned! Lol :rolleyes: I didn't even know the guy... Had just seen him around.

We had our wedding pretty much planned and booked before I gave birth so had no problems there... Just had to get my dress fitted which was perfect on me after 4 months (don't think I'm going to be so lucky getting into a nice dress this time around so soon after the birth. Lol).

ncmc

First of all, you are certainly not too old at 33/34 to be having your first baby. There are plenty of people in their late 30’s/early 40’s who are having their first babies and the majority go on to have perfectly healthy babies. However, there is no point in ignoring the facts. Fertility does decrease as women get older, it starts decreasing in late 20’s and sharply decreases after 35. There is also a greater chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome or some other chromosome related syndromes after the age of 35. I’m not saying this to scare you, but these are the facts. As I said, most people in their mid 30’s will get pregnant within a year of trying and most will have a healthy baby, however there is the chance that you will be one of the unlucky ones.

I am currently pregnant with my first baby (I will be 35 when the baby arrives) and we were trying for 4 years. We had been married for 6 years, I just wanted to travel a bit and enjoy my 20’s and naively thought I would get pregnant straight away. I do regret not starting to try sooner as I feel I am leaving myself under a bit of time pressure if I want to have two or more.

When it comes down to you, only you can decide what is more important to you at the moment. There is nothing wrong with wanting the big white wedding before you have children, a lot of people would prefer to be married before having their babies. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with putting the wedding on the back burner until after you have children – there is no right or wrong answer. You and your fiancé need to do what’s right for YOU. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, you have exciting times ahead either way!