Broke up coz of my child

LegacyUser

I would really like some advice on this issue.

I was in a relationship with a man for over 4yrs. To say my 13yr old son didn't like him, would be an understatement. Having said that, my son doesn't really like anyone at this age;).

I recently finished things with my boyfriend, mainly because of my son, believing that I had to put my son first (which I still believe), and that making him unhappy was not something I concsiously wanted to do.

Their relationship wasn't bad, or good. He never chastised my son, never said a cross word to him in fact, it was all a bit 'meh' if that makes sense. They didn't like each other, possibly because my partner resented the attention I gave my son, and my son was jealous of the attention I gave my partner. My son has always said that he 'just doesn't like' him. I understand why if I'm honest, my partner wasn't very interested in anything he had to say - they were pleasant and polite to each other, but it was all very forced - nothing seemed to come natural to them.

Anyhow, we broke up about 4 months ago, and I am broken hearted. I cannot even think about my partner without getting very upset and wondering about the life we had planned together and the fact that I might be old and alone very soon. My son is now at the age where he is out at friends alot, and generally doesn't want to know me.

So I still feel like I did the right thing - my son is much happier - but what about me? Am I being an awful parent even thinking about putting my own happiness above my sons? Am I being very selfish in wanting some happiness for myself?

DamagedTrax

my partner wasn't very interested in anything he had to say

this is the most important thing that you said.

i have a 12 year old son and a partner of only 18 months. she met my son after a year and has a great relationship with him. he confides in her more than he does with me at this stage.

i understand that its different for us fellas as we dont have that maternal instinct that women have but as your partner he should be making every effort with your son and unless your son is an unholy terror, then anything less is unaccaptable.

LegacyUser

My son comes to me to confide in things - we have a really good relationship thankfully (even with his current hormonal phase!) - his dad has never been in his life - it's been me and him most of the time. I wasn't expecting a partner who my son would confide in...he is a good kid, with loads of friends, involved in sports, does well in school..my partner was a bit of a moody man if I'm truthful..he isn't very child-friendly and I only realised about a year into the relationship, that he didn't seem to know how to communicate well with kids.

When I was making the decision to get into a relationship, having been single for a long time, I did hope that I would meet a man who would grow to love my child. I realised after a while, that my partner wasn't that man, but I was able to keep both relationships quite seperate.

I love him though. He was so good and kind to me...everything about him and me worked well, he supported me both emotionally and financially, we had great fun and I miss him terribly.

I raised my son myself, the way I had always done, before I met my partner.

I am lost.

The Corinthian

unregistered wrote: »

So I still feel like I did the right thing - my son is much happier - but what about me? Am I being an awful parent even thinking about putting my own happiness above my sons? Am I being very selfish in wanting some happiness for myself?

No, or more correctly there's nothing wrong with being selfish in certain circumstances. For example, if not getting your son some toy he wants for Christmas means you then can afford to see a dentist to sort out what may be an abscess, that's putting your 'happiness' over his, but understandably so. In extreme cases always putting your son's 'happiness' over your own could even lead to spoiling him, thus ironically ruining his long-term 'happiness' for the sake of the short-term.

Ultimately, I believe it comes down to what is reasonable and what is best in the long-term.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

No, or more correctly there's nothing wrong with being selfish in certain circumstances. For example, if not getting your son some toy he wants for Christmas means you then can afford to see a dentist to sort out what may be an abscess, that's putting your 'happiness' over his, but understandably so. In extreme cases always putting your son's 'happiness' over your own could even lead to spoiling him, thus ironically ruining his long-term 'happiness' for the sake of the short-term.

Ultimately, I believe it comes down to what is reasonable and what is best in the long-term.

With respect, this is a bit different to me choosing to spoil my child.

I made the choice to split with my partner because despite my constant conversations with him, about trying to interact more with my son, it just didn't happen. There was a pair of them in it, I felt my son was old enough for this conversation too, but he had no interest in trying to get to know my partner.
Having said that, my ex has a couple of older nephews and nieces himself (17 and older) who he gets on great with. He is just not great with younger children (not only my child).

As I said, my heart is broken, I am a wreck and have even taken time off work because I can't seem to get through a day without tears. My son is number one, and always will be, but there's a part of me looking for my own happiness, and I can't seem to find it, or to find a balance.

LegacyUser

You know, I don't have any kids but with nephews, nieces, friend's kids etc, I make an effort to talk to them.

If they're into sport I'll talk about that. If they're into movies, I'll talk about that. I'll ask them about school. Regardless of the answers, if they're interested in talking, I'll be attentive.

If you're unhappy maybe talk to your ex and then talk to your son and explain how it has been for you. Maybe the ex can take more of an interest (do guy's bonding things) and your son could cut him some slack.

clairefontaine

unregistered wrote: »

My son comes to me to confide in things - we have a really good relationship thankfully (even with his current hormonal phase!) - his dad has never been in his life - it's been me and him most of the time. I wasn't expecting a partner who my son would confide in...he is a good kid, with loads of friends, involved in sports, does well in school..my partner was a bit of a moody man if I'm truthful..he isn't very child-friendly and I only realised about a year into the relationship, that he didn't seem to know how to communicate well with kids.

When I was making the decision to get into a relationship, having been single for a long time, I did hope that I would meet a man who would grow to love my child. I realised after a while, that my partner wasn't that man, but I was able to keep both relationships quite seperate.

I love him though. He was so good and kind to me...everything about him and me worked well, he supported me both emotionally and financially, we had great fun and I miss him terribly.

I raised my son myself, the way I had always done, before I met my partner.

I am lost.

I don't think its useful to label it selfish or not selfish, it wasn't working. He resented your child, your child probably detected that and felt threatened by it, and steps weren't taken as a family to work together.

Maybe he didn't know how how to talk to kids, but there is so much literature now, and step parenting classes, that it's not hard to learn the basics.

Because you are a family there are limits on how separate you can keep things.

It's really tough, it takes a certain maturity to want to take on another man's progeny, probably is counter evolutionary so you have to be really careful.

It feels stinky now, but you did the right thing. It couldn't have continued like that because you let it go on for four years. If your ex didn't even take an interest in what he was saying, then reaaly what hope was there.

The Corinthian

unregistered wrote: »

With respect, this is a bit different to me choosing to spoil my child.

With respect, I never suggested you are. All I was doing was pointing out the fallacy of blindly choosing the happiness of the child over yourself from a general point of view, not specific to you.

As I said, my heart is broken, I am a wreck and have even taken time off work because I can't seem to get through a day without tears. My son is number one, and always will be, but there's a part of me looking for my own happiness, and I can't seem to find it, or to find a balance.

All I can say to this is time will heal. But as to your original question; no, you're not being very selfish in wanting some happiness for yourself, it just depends on what is reasonable and what is best in the long-term.

CaraMay

I strongly believe that no matter who you brought home as your partner your son would not have liked him.

I can understand a moody teenager causing bother but can't understand how you can let a 9 year old (as he was at the start) decide not to like your partner. I'm sure, in fairness to your ex he probably got sick if trying. I have step kids but thank god they are very good and pleasant kids. Can't imagine we would be together a year later never mind 4 if they weren't.

Sounds to me your son runs the house. I don't agree with your parenting strategy in this case. Who is the real boss in your house?

December2012

What jumps out to me OP is that you asked your partner to try and he couldn't be arsed.

He's the adult - he's the one to try, not your child.

I don't think that you were wrong, it doesn't sound like he was making any effort at all and after four years he should have been trying to become part if your family if that's what you wanted.

So I don't think you put your son first, I think you actually put your family first - you included, and this man did not want (enough) to become part of your family.

I don't think your son rules your house, it us right to take his opinions into account - only you can honestly know how different your decision would have been if your ex put in the effort you asked for.

I think you might be missing your ex because you're lonely so I hope you can socialise with friends as much as you can. Lots of people talk about meetup.com, try that.

Tl:dr - the relationship was not working and you had the courage to realise it and get out of it.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I am facing another sunday of heartbreak, thinking of the things we would do while my son will go off at 12 and be back for dinner, and then back out again! I used to love our sundays, we would just go for a walk or a coffee, just enjoying each others company before we faced another week of our stressful jobs...I will keep myself busy and distracted though, I'm getting good at that. It doesn't seem to stop me missing him though.

The Corinthian

CaraMay wrote: »

Sounds to me your son runs the house. I don't agree with your parenting strategy in this case. Who is the real boss in your house?

This is a possibility, and I've seen it happen elsewhere (especially with boys), but there's nothing in what the OP has said that would make me conclude this with any level of confidence, in fairness.

MouseTail

I think your expectations might have been too high. I do not expect my partner to parent my child. It may be different as in my case the father is still very involved, but I wouldn't dream of taking on a parenting role to my partners children either. Life is not like the Brady Bunch, I absolutely expect my partner and child to be kind and pleasant to each other, but I wouldn't dream of forcing anything else on them.

Meangadh

I think some people here are being quite harsh on the OP- she didn't ask for her partner to be a parent to her son, only to make more of an effort with him. He's the adult, he should absolutely make the effort. I mean, what did he expect, for the OP just to compartmentalise her life into "mother" and "his partner"? Life doesn't work like that. She simply wanted to try and blend the two, not to have a father for her son. He obviously wasn't willing to make that effort and although it's tough now, I definitely think she made the right decision.

Also, I don't think her son is ruling the roost- she absolutely has to put her son first. I do think maybe as someone else suggested that he probably wouldn't have liked any man that his mother was with, but most other men who would continue in a 4 year relationship with a single mother would assume they had to make an effort with the child or children involved. This guy didn't and it sounds to me that the OP deserves someone who is happy to make that effort.

CaraMay

Op did he really not try for any of the four years? Even at the start? It's not clear how you got to the point of living with him if that was the case?

Big Bag of Chips

For a four relationship, you give very little detail of the actual difficulties of the relationship between your son and your partner. You even say

Their relationship wasn't bad, or good. He never chastised my son, never said a cross word to him in fact, it was all a bit 'meh' if that makes sense.

So what was so bad about it, that you felt your only option was to split up? My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. She would kick up murder at the weekends when she was to come over to us, because she knew her mam was going out and would be meeting her new bf. She became a real handful for her mother, demanding, tantrums etc. Her mother spoke to my husband and said she was considering finishing with him because it wasn't worth the hassle with their daughter. My husband encouraged her to stick with it. He said she couldn't allow their daughter to keep her all to herself. She had her own life to live, and unless the new bf was a terrible person who treated their daughter horribly, then she had no reason to not like him other than she didn't want her mam going out with him.

He reminded her that in a few short years their daughter would be grown up and getting on with her own life, and her mam would be left behind, because she wouldn't go out with anyone for fear of upsetting their daughter.

There was nothing wrong with this man, at all... In fact they are now married! The daughter still doesn't particularly llike him, but she doesn't dislike him either. He is a wonderful father figure to her (even if she doesn't think so!!) and to be honest, it really wouldn't have matter who her mam started seeing, she was not going to like anyone!

Already your son is spending less and less time with you, and in the next 2, 3 4 years that is going to become even less, and eventually he will move out. Already you are feeling lonely, sitting at home alone. Your partner and your son need never be best buddies. But if they can cohabit at a level that is acceptable to all, then is that not enough? You have even admitted that your son doesn't want much to do with YOU at this stage! So why should it be different with your partner?

You don't give enough detail to know if the atmosphere and tension in the house was so unbearable that splitting up was the only option. Or was it just not what you expected?

I do think you should consider your son in decisions, but.. if the relationship was "meh" rather than damaging to your son, were you a bit hasty to get rid of it? Your son has his own life to live, and very soon, will go and live it - and you will have many more days than just Sunday when you are sitting alone, and missing that companionship.

The Corinthian

Meangadh wrote: »

She simply wanted to try and blend the two, not to have a father for her son. He obviously wasn't willing to make that effort and although it's tough now, I definitely think she made the right decision.

To begin with you're being a bit unfair to this guy. The OP was clear that her son made no secret of disliking him, so it's entirely possible that he made an effort, perhaps as much as is possible when faced with a closed door at he other side or perhaps not enough of an effort - we don't know - however it was an effort nonetheless.

Secondly, I'm not too sure what you mean by 'blend the two'; on one side the OP admits that "their relationship wasn't bad, or good. He never chastised my son, never said a cross word to him in fact, it was all a bit 'meh' if that makes sense". So it wasn't a negative relationship, per say. At the other end of the scale, it's unfair to expect him to be a replacement father either. So where would you consider the 'blend' to sit?

Also, I don't think her son is ruling the roost- she absolutely has to put her son first.

That can also be a pretty unhealthy position to take though.

Edit: Big Bag of Chips explains why much better than I.

clairefontaine

A couple of things.

One is when you date a single custodial parent you have to accept it's a package deal, there is just no way around that. No you don't have to be a parent,but the minimum to be expected in a reasonable amount of time is a good friend.

Next thing is to determine whether the child's resistance to this person is the natural resistance to an interloper in the family, which can be overcome in time, whether the child is engaging in a power play, or whether the child is picking up on something in the boyfriend that you are not seeing or not willing to see, but is there nonetheless.

Another consideration, is the child has no idea whether or not this person will stick around, so might have natural resistance to attachment because does not want another seperation or abandonment.

It's really not that cut and dried, but can be worked on with with a little time, alot of patience from all parties, and some very good communication skills, the latter probably being the trickiest. And of course doing FUN things together, creating positive memories together.

Ultimately you, at the heart of the family, are the sole leader here, having to guide them all into this transition, with particular attention to your son. At 9 years old, when this all started, it was perhaps more challenging to talk to him about supporting you in your happiness, but what you can do now, is look back at the things you could have done to make the transition easier and apply it to next time.

ladygirl

my partner was a bit of a moody man if I'm truthful..he isn't very child-friendly and I only realised about a year into the relationship, that he didn't seem to know how to communicate well with kids.


Unfortunately your child probably picked up on his moods immediately. As your son isn's used to having to deal with others Moods I would assume this is what turned him off him from day one!! Your son has good instincts if you ask me. As an adult I have met several people with this Mood and like your son although I am civil - there is no bond between us. Good head on him for a 12 year old

I did hope that I would meet a man who would grow to love my child. I realised after a while, that my partner wasn't that man, but I was able to keep both relationships quite seperate.


I fully believe that this can happen. You and your son are a package and any person who is not willing to make an effort with him should not be worth your time. I believe you have made the right decision. You are your sons only main influence and I commend you for putting your son first. It does not sound like he is a spoilt little brat and I believe he will thank you in the future for the decisions you have made.

Take some time and your hurt will heal.
all the best to you and your son
xxx

mashedbanana

Well, this is the way i see it. I have family in your situation.

In a few years time, your son, will be off making a life for himself, please God. He won't be coming home to you, asking you if you like his girlfriend. If he likes her enough....it won't matter what you think.

You were on your own for long enough, and this fella tick all the right boxes. Fair enough, he was a bit of a grumpy so & so, but who isn't? He certainly wasn't any more grumpy then a hormonal 13 year old! (My eldest is a teen, I know the score)

He maybe wasn't the best at communicating, but as already mentioned....got fed up of trying. Or maybe, wasn't shown how.
If you are still crying for this fella, a few months after breaking up, then it sounds like there were more good points to the relationship, than bad.

Don't forget either...another word for 'mother' is 'guilt'! You will, like all of us, be left wondering if we did the absolute best we could for our kids, 100% of the time. Which of course is impossible.

im confused again

I'm sure OP you are very confused. There is a lot of different opinions here, all of which are valid. They are all based on the information provided. All anybody can do is give an opinion based on their knowledge and experience.

My experience, I am separated and have two kids. I was in a relationship with a person for 4 years and eventually had to call it a day as she had no relationship with my kids. She had no kids. The kids tried but she didn't. I still beat myself up over not finishing it sooner but I guess I just kept waiting for the break through that never happened.

About 2 years ago I met someone new who had kids of her own. Totally different ball game altogether. She loves my kids, and they love her, and I love her kids. Oh and of course we love each other too. It makes such a massive difference for everybody to get along.

By the sounds of it, your ex wasn't as disconnected as my ex but never the less, it makes life so much easier when the relationship between partners and our kids is good.

I think a lot of the reason that I stayed with this other girl was because of loneliness when the kids were with their mum. And this was wrong too.

So I guess, you know best. You decided that the relationship between your partner was not good enough and you made a decision. Well done for that.

It would be worth sitting down with your son and talking to him about your feelings. Tell him that you can't live your life alone, ask him whether he thinks he would have the same issues with a new partner/boyfriend.

Henry9

The problem with these things is the amount if projection which goes on.
You do realise OP that you've described a pretty standard father - teenage son relationship, even for paternal fathers?
I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell someone what to do on this situation, but I would counsel you to be very careful about the advice you do take.

mashedbanana

Henry9 wrote: »

The problem with these things is the amount if projection which goes on.
You do realise OP that you've described a pretty standard father - teenage son relationship, even for paternal fathers?
I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell someone what to do on this situation, but I would counsel you to be very careful about the advice you do take.

Absolutely!

clairefontaine

Henry9 wrote: »

The problem with these things is the amount if projection which goes on.
You do realise OP that you've described a pretty standard father - teenage son relationship, even for paternal fathers?
I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell someone what to do on this situation, but I would counsel you to be very careful about the advice you do take.

You're right, but its far more complicated when it's not biological and if they enter the family late, which he did. Child was 9.

ShaShaBear

You've already stated that you hoped to fall for a man who could get along with your son, and that you realised a year into the relationship that your now ex was not that man.

There's plenty of men out there who could treat you just as well as your ex, and extend the same courtesy to your son. True that your son might not like anyone you bring home, but he might not air the same sense of distaste for someone who actually makes an effort to respect and include him. After four years, if my hypothetical son still hated my partner, I'd be a bit concerned too. That's a long time to harbour feelings at that age, most teens would have softened up, or at the very least become resigned.

I dont think you want to accept the fact that you knew this man was not what you wanted, and you are looking for reassurance and encouragement to take him back. Why not look for someone new, that can be friends with and possibly love your son? Obviously I do not know your plans for the future, but I would hate to get married to, and have children with someone that my own child hated, it would be a surefire way of making them feel excluded!