Help finding a girlfriend

Silverman11

Hi there

I am 20 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I have never kissed a girl because I think that should be saved until dating ( not into the casual kissing thing) I would consider myself a shy yet kind and funny kind of guy.

I am at a stage in my life where I feel I would love to have a girlfriend to love and to treat like a princess. ( Might sound cheesy )

The problem is I am off college for a year and I live in a small town where any girls my age are at college.

I have never had much luck with women due to my shyness. I am athletic and I wouldn't call myself bad looking ( I hope).

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

downwesht

Forget about having a girlfriend for a while,concentrate on having female friends first.Be yourself and be friendly and open with the opposite sex,not hung up on relationships.As you learn to relax you will become more comfortable and therefore more attractive to ladies.Be positive and confident and not too pushy or boastful and most of all LISTEN......take a compliment and give them...not smarmy though!

Good luck!

Silverman11

downwesht wrote: »

Forget about having a girlfriend for a while,concentrate on having female friends first.Be yourself and be friendly and open with the opposite sex,not hung up on relationships.As you learn to relax you will become more comfortable and therefore more attractive to ladies.Be positive and confident and not too pushy or boastful and most of all LISTEN......take a compliment and give them...not smarmy though!

Good luck!

Thank you for your reply, the biggest problem is meeting new girls to befriend, there isn't much opportunities in my town.

freshpopcorn

Did you find it easy to mix with girls in school/college?

Silverman11

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Did you find it easy to mix with girls in school/college?

Thanks for the reply, to be honest, i did feel quite comfortable mixing with girls but i always got the impression that they were never interested in me, maybe because of my shyness.

I would love to even have a friend that is a girl because I have never really had a female friend either.

Silverman11

Any other advice out there. Anything would be appreciated. Thanks

Monkey09

Would you consider giving Online Dating a try?

It's a great way to meet a lot of new people.

There's not much pressure in that context either. If there's no spark, there's no spark and both parties can just move on, and probably never lay eyes on one another again.

Silverman11

Monkey09 wrote: »

Would you consider giving Online Dating a try?

It's a great way to meet a lot of new people.

There's not much pressure in that context either. If there's no spark, there's no spark and both parties can just move on, and probably never lay eyes on one another again.

I have been on it before but I could get very little replies. There were some beautiful and interesting girls on the site but they wouldn't message me back. I just felt that if they gave me a chance they wouldn't regret it. I closed down my account but I am thinking of giving it another go.

Thanks a lot for the reply. Appreciate it.

Monkey09

Silverman11 wrote: »

I have been on it before but I could get very little replies. There were some beautiful and interesting girls on the site but they wouldn't message me back. I just felt that if they gave me a chance they wouldn't regret it. I closed down my account but I am thinking of giving it another go.

Thanks a lot for the reply. Appreciate it.

I'd definitely recommend giving it another shot. Have you thought about the reasons why you didn't get much response (eg. lack of interests, how your profile was worded?) There's an online dating forum here on boards which provides some useful tips/advice and you can even have your profile reviewed by other boardsies.

Silverman11

Monkey09 wrote: »

I'd definitely recommend giving it another shot. Have you thought about the reasons why you didn't get much response (eg. lack of interests, how your profile was worded?) There's an online dating forum here on boards which provides some useful tips/advice and you can even have your profile reviewed by other boardsies.

Thats a big help, i will give it a go. Thanks

Balaclava1991

Hi OP,
It can be very hard to approach women without being awkward and putting them off.
When you are nervous and going red and starting to panic and do something silly in front of a woman who are trying to impress and encourage to take interest it can start a vicious cycle of rejection followed by rejection followed by rejection.
When you go down that road your confidence could get shot and you will be too fearful of taking a leap into the unknown.
If you want to get comfortable around women then befriend women by all means but I don't personally think it is a good idea to try and turn a platonic friendship into a romantic sexual relationship. Female friends end up becoming like sisters and women value friendships with men that are not romantic or sexual because most men are hitting on attractive young women rather than being friendly and many men misconstrue a female being friendly as the beginning of sexual attraction and permission to push the envelope.
From personal experience I believe that if you are attracted to a woman you make it clear from the very beginning and you shouldn't hide it by being "just friends."
Most women are attracted to confidence - man who acts decisively, is relaxed and at ease with himself and not looking for approval or permission or pleading for company.
Sometimes your heart is pounding and all you are thinking about is that this woman is gorgeous and you want to having sex with her right now. You have to fight that instinct and be nonchalant and take your time and be cool.

Silverman11

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

Hi OP,
It can be very hard to approach women without being awkward and putting them off.
If you want to get comfortable around women then befriend women by all means but I don't personally think it is a good idea to try and turn a platonic friendship into a romantic sexual relationship. Female friends end up becoming like sisters and women value friendships with men that are not romantic or sexual because most men are hitting on them rather than being friendly and many men misconstrue a female being friendly as sexual attraction.
From personal experience I believe that if you are attracted to a woman you make it clear from the very beginning and you shouldn't hide it by being "just friends."
Most women are attracted to confidence - man who acts decisively, is relaxed and at ease with himself and not looking for approval or permission or pleading for company.
Sometimes your heart is pounding and all you are thinking about is that this woman is gorgeous and you want to having sex with her right now. You have to fight that instinct and be nonchalant and take your time.

I see what you mean. Thanks for the reply.

amtc

Listen, you're way ahead of yourself thinking about online dating when you've never even kissed a girl. You can't just order a girlfriend who wants to be treated like a princess.

Of course we all like princessy things, but it's the simple things that make (my) heart melt. A guy once sat talking to to my nana with Alzheimers meant more to me than gold (which would've been nice too!)

Confidence is important. You don't have to be a showman, you just have to be comfortable with you. I have two friends who are quiet, but interesting, and have great success with the ladies. Another example (and I don't know the guy from Adam) I was on a trip yesterday and was sitting across from a guy half my age. He was articulate, confident, mannerly and a great catch (for my daughter, if I had one) but he was genuinely interested in my opinions and mine in his. He mailed me since we got back, and we swapped film ideas. Nothing in it, just people who got on.

You're way overthinking this first kiss thing. WAY!

Bigtoe107

Hi Op,

I don't really post much but I saw your thread and felt I needed to help. I feel for you I know that it can be tough talking to women there is a lot of pressure on you so don't feel bad about being shy, this is just a natural reaction and it's something you may never fully rid yourself of.

However don't let that deter you. The first and most important thing you need to do is stop putting women on a pedestal. They are just people with the same hopes, fears and insecurities as the rest of us. Looking to treat a woman like a princess just sets you up for a fall. Relax you don't need to be a hybrid of prince charming and James dean to get a girlfriend you just need to find people with common interests and talk, same as you would to anybody else. Be nice but early on make your intentions clear you are looking for more than a. friend.

Do any of your friends have girlfriends? If so it would be an idea to maybe go to a party with them this is an ideal setting to get used to talking to women. Take it slow man but don't worry it will happen, remember everybody feels these things at some point in their life it's normal you just need to push past it.

Vitaliorange

Silverman11 wrote: »

Hi there

I am 20 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I have never kissed a girl because I think that should be saved until dating ( not into the casual kissing thing) I would consider myself a shy yet kind and funny kind of guy.

I am at a stage in my life where I feel I would love to have a girlfriend to love and to treat like a princess. ( Might sound cheesy )

The problem is I am off college for a year and I live in a small town where any girls my age are at college.

I have never had much luck with women due to my shyness. I am athletic and I wouldn't call myself bad looking ( I hope).

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Its raises a red flag for me when I hear guys saying " they want a girl to treat like a princess".

You haven't even kissed a girl, go out and talk to as many women as possible. The last thing you need right now is a girlfriend. I wouldn't get a girlfriend until you know you can get a girlfriend whenever you want. If you get one now you will allow her to treat you like crap because you will think you dont have any other options.

so play the field for at least a couple years and find out what kind of women you like.

LegacyUser

I was in a very similar situation to yourself OP. I had a good few female friends though just lacked confidence in myself. Being confident is a big thing in getting with women, which isn't great when you have none. The best thing I learned for gaining confidence, not just with women, but in life generally is to fake it. There's a fine line between faking confidence and cockiness so you may go to the wrong side of that line but once you realise this and change it you'll get on OK. When you start to fake it well for long enough people will start to believe it, and eventually, you'll believe it too.

The other thing I'd say is don't rush into a relationship, when I was 18 all my friends had girlfriends, even ones I considered not as good a catch as me(cockiness stage). So I forced myself to find any girl who seemed interested in me to try and started a relationship. Turned out to be a terrible mistake because 5 months in the novelty of finally having a relationship disappeared and I realised I was never actually in to her. This led to me hurting her by ending it and got pretty nasty about it.

So now, nearly 6 years since that relationship I'm in a fantastic one now, because I never forced myself into one for the sake of being in one, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I wasn't with someone for the 6 previous years. Also, the girl I'm with now began from a casual kiss on a night out so don't rule that out completely

Silverman11

amtc wrote: »

Listen, you're way ahead of yourself thinking about online dating when you've never even kissed a girl. You can't just order a girlfriend who wants to be treated like a princess.

Of course we all like princessy things, but it's the simple things that make (my) heart melt. A guy once sat talking to to my nana with Alzheimers meant more to me than gold (which would've been nice too!)

Confidence is important. You don't have to be a showman, you just have to be comfortable with you. I have two friends who are quiet, but interesting, and have great success with the ladies. Another example (and I don't know the guy from Adam) I was on a trip yesterday and was sitting across from a guy half my age. He was articulate, confident, mannerly and a great catch (for my daughter, if I had one) but he was genuinely interested in my opinions and mine in his. He mailed me since we got back, and we swapped film ideas. Nothing in it, just people who got on.

You're way overthinking this first kiss thing. WAY!

Thanks for your reply, very helpful information in it.

Silverman11

Bigtoe107 wrote: »

Hi Op,

I don't really post much but I saw your thread and felt I needed to help. I feel for you I know that it can be tough talking to women there is a lot of pressure on you so don't feel bad about being shy, this is just a natural reaction and it's something you may never fully rid yourself of.

However don't let that deter you. The first and most important thing you need to do is stop putting women on a pedestal. They are just people with the same hopes, fears and insecurities as the rest of us. Looking to treat a woman like a princess just sets you up for a fall. Relax you don't need to be a hybrid of prince charming and James dean to get a girlfriend you just need to find people with common interests and talk, same as you would to anybody else. Be nice but early on make your intentions clear you are looking for more than a. friend.

Do any of your friends have girlfriends? If so it would be an idea to maybe go to a party with them this is an ideal setting to get used to talking to women. Take it slow man but don't worry it will happen, remember everybody feels these things at some point in their life it's normal you just need to push past it.

Thanks for the reply, i see what you mean, i could do with female friends before I start thinking about girlfriends.

Silverman11

Vitaliorange wrote: »

Its raises a red flag for me when I hear guys saying " they want a girl to treat like a princess".

You haven't even kissed a girl, go out and talk to as many women as possible. The last thing you need right now is a girlfriend. I wouldn't get a girlfriend until you know you can get a girlfriend whenever you want. If you get one now you will allow her to treat you like crap because you will think you dont have any other options.

so play the field for at least a couple years and find out what kind of women you like.

Fair enough, i might have to re-evaluate the way i go forward on this issue. Thanks.

Silverman11

Anon_13 wrote: »

I was in a very similar situation to yourself OP. I had a good few female friends though just lacked confidence in myself. Being confident is a big thing in getting with women, which isn't great when you have none. The best thing I learned for gaining confidence, not just with women, but in life generally is to fake it. There's a fine line between faking confidence and cockiness so you may go to the wrong side of that line but once you realise this and change it you'll get on OK. When you start to fake it well for long enough people will start to believe it, and eventually, you'll believe it too.

The other thing I'd say is don't rush into a relationship, when I was 18 all my friends had girlfriends, even ones I considered not as good a catch as me(cockiness stage). So I forced myself to find any girl who seemed interested in me to try and started a relationship. Turned out to be a terrible mistake because 5 months in the novelty of finally having a relationship disappeared and I realised I was never actually in to her. This led to me hurting her by ending it and got pretty nasty about it.

So now, nearly 6 years since that relationship I'm in a fantastic one now, because I never forced myself into one for the sake of being in one, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I wasn't with someone for the 6 previous years. Also, the girl I'm with now began from a casual kiss on a night out so don't rule that out completely

Thanks for reply.

Silverman11

What are people's opinions on casual kissing. Is it just a way of satisfying yourself on a night out or is it an important step to finding a girlfriend nowadays. I am 20 not used to this concept and I would like to know people's opinions.

Also are their any health risks to casual kissing.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you

Silverman11

Any advice as regards casual kissing ('shifting')?

I do feel stuck.
Thanks

thegreatgonzo

Silverman11 wrote: »

Any advice as regards casual kissing ('shifting')?

I do feel stuck.
Thanks

Well when I was younger I thought it was great craic but now I just prefer to kiss guys I know a bit! It's not something I ever took seriously but everyone is different. What kind of advice are you looking for? As regards health risks, well glandular fever apparently is no joke but I never got it.

Silverman11

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Well when I was younger I thought it was great craic but now I just prefer to kiss guys I know a bit! It's not something I ever took seriously but everyone is different. What kind of advice are you looking for? As regards health risks, well glandular fever apparently is no joke but I never got it.

Thank you for the reply. I was just wondering would it be considered an important part of starting a relationship or is it just what people do when the're drunk.

I always thought it went
meet - date - kiss
instead of
meet - kiss - date

thegreatgonzo

Silverman11 wrote: »

Thank you for the reply. I was just wondering would it be considered an important part of starting a relationship or is it just what people do when the're drunk.

I always thought it went
meet - date - kiss
instead of
meet - kiss - date

There's no rules. It can be either.

professore

Go out, relax, have fun! Kissing girls is great! When you're older you'll regret not having enjoyed yourself when you're younger. It's too late when you're 45 with 4 kids.

GarIT

I think your first paragraph explains it a bit. You're not going to get a girlfriend if you haven't kissed them and probably more. I'm 20 myself and a lot of girls I know wouldn't go out with a guy until they have at least slept with him. I think you need to focus on pulling rather than looking for a girlfriend it's probably creepy and puts them off. When a girl is comfortable being with you then you ask her out, you don't ask her first. Maybe try christian dating websites if your not willing to have sex first.

I can't imagine many sane girls would get into a relationship with someone if they haven't even shifted them.

EDIT: My gf says how you're acting seems extremely creepy. You are probably scaring the girls off by not being easygoing.

If you mention girlfriend before you are sure a girl likes you in that way you are going to have a bad time.

Silverman11

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

There's no rules. It can be either.

I don't drink so would the casual kissing be mostly done by alcohol drinkers?

140490

Be careful of frindzone !!

thegreatgonzo

GarIT wrote: »

. I'm 20 myself and a lot of girls I know wouldn't go out with a guy until they have at least slept with him.... Maybe try christian dating websites if your not willing to have sex first.

.

OP speaking as a woman, I disagree with all of the above.

thegreatgonzo

Silverman11 wrote: »

I don't drink so would the casual kissing be mostly done by alcohol drinkers?

Well a lot of people unfortunately do need to drink to get the confidence.

Silverman11

Thank you all for replying, it does mean a lot that ye are willing to help me.

I am Catholic and I do take my Faith very seriously, which is probably one reason why I might feel a bit guilty kissing girls for the sake of it.

I might be following the american romatic comedy, where the man meets the woman, he asks her on a date and then they kiss when they're in a relationship. I understand now that, that scenario is hard to come by.

I'm so confused!

GarIT

Silverman11 wrote: »

Thank you all for replying, it does mean a lot that ye are willing to help me.

I am Catholic and I do take my Faith very seriously, which is probably one reason why I might feel a bit guilty kissing girls for the sake of it.

I might be following the american romatic comedy, where the man meets the woman, he asks her on a date and then they kiss when they're in a relationship. I understand now that, that scenario is hard to come by.

I'm so confused!

Judging by your response you have two main choices. Christian dating sites or church groups. Either of those should help but outside that you will have a hard time.

Silverman11

GarIT wrote: »

Judging by your response you have two main choices. Christian dating sites or church groups. Either of those should help but outside that you will have a hard time.

Thanks for your reply

I have tried online dating and i haven't had much success.
As regards Church groups, there are none in my area.

I don't have anything against kissing on a night out but it would have to be someone that i have a connection with that could possibly turn out to be more.

Has anyone many experiences like that?

thegreatgonzo

It happens quite often. I have friends who met their husbands in niteclubs.
Personally I prefer to meet men through friends or shared interests. At your age, I really wouldn't be worrying about this, I'd be focusing on friends and whatever sports or interests you have. If you are interested in things and life in general you will be more interesting to the girls that you meet whereas if you fixate on having a girlfriend you will come off as a bit scary.

Silverman11

Just to add to my other points, does anyone have any suggestions as to where are good places to meet girls around my age (20). I struggle to meet girls and I am start to worry that i am gonna miss out on getting a girlfriend when i feel i am ready now.

thegreatgonzo

Silverman11 wrote: »

Just to add to my other points, does anyone have any suggestions as to where are good places to meet girls around my age (20). I struggle to meet girls and I am start to worry that i am gonna miss out on getting a girlfriend when i feel i am ready now.

What do you do to socialise? Do you go out with friends? Do your friends have female friends? Do you have hobbies, interests, sports you like to play?
Again, I really think you should stop focusing on just getting a girlfriend, develop your social life a bit first.

Silverman11

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

What do you do to socialise? Do you go out with friends? Do your friends have female friends? Do you have hobbies, interests, sports you like to play?
Again, I really think you should stop focusing on just getting a girlfriend, develop your social life a bit first.

At the moment Im for a year from college and im staying at home, which means that im in the house most evenings. There is nothing to do in my town except gaelic football that i go to but that will all be males. The option is going out the odd weekends when my friends are back from college but when ya don't drink i find it hard to interact with girls that are usually quite drunk.

Thanks

thegreatgonzo

There's no easy answer I'm afraid. You might have to broaden your horizons a bit. I don't know why you are at home for a year or if you are able to drive or whatever but sitting around in a house in a small town is not going to get you anywhere.

Silverman11

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

There's no easy answer I'm afraid. You might have to broaden your horizons a bit. I don't know why you are at home for a year or if you are able to drive or whatever but sitting around in a house in a small town is not going to get you anywhere.

Exactly, thats why the nights out with my friends are really my only chance at the moment to meet girls. I don't know if anyone has been in the same boat but it can sometimes really get me down because ive hit my twenties now and im still nowhere near getting close to girls either as friends or more.

thegreatgonzo

Silverman11 wrote: »

Exactly, thats why the nights out with my friends are really my only chance at the moment to meet girls. I don't know if anyone has been in the same boat but it can sometimes really get me down because ive hit my twenties now and im still nowhere near getting close to girls either as friends or more.

As I said before I don't know why you have taken a year off college. You need to see where you can make a change in your own life. Can you visit your friends wherever they are? If you absolutely have to be at home for a year you might have to accept the fact that not much is going to happen on the romantic front and find something else that's constructive to do. Or you could try online dating as someone suggested.
Best of luck:-)

Silverman11

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

As I said before I don't know why you have taken a year off college. You need to see where you can make a change in your own life. Can you visit your friends wherever they are? If you absolutely have to be at home for a year you might have to accept the fact that not much is going to happen on the romantic front and find something else that's constructive to do. Or you could try online dating as someone suggested.
Best of luck:-)

I know what ya mean, thanks for all the help.

Silverman11

Does anyone have any advice as regards how to approach women when out in a pub, nightclub etc?

Silverman11

Can anyone give me a link for the online dating thread?

GlobalSun

OkCupid or Tinder whichever you prefer!

Go to clubs

Silverman11

GlobalSun wrote: »

OkCupid or Tinder whichever you prefer!

Go to clubs

Ive tried Okcupid and im currently on POF but Im am getting no responses.

My friends don't come home that often from college and they are usually who I would go to the clubs with.

Meauldsegosha

Silverman11 wrote: »

Can anyone give me a link for the online dating thread?

Do you mean the online dating forum on boards.ie?

Ickle Magoo

Okay OP, you've had four pages of advice to work from now - the posters of PI have helped as much as they are able and so I'm going to lock this thread.

There is a dedicated Online Dating Forum HERE

Just PM knucklehead6, miamee or Sparky for access.

All the best. :cool: