Advice/Thoughts/Anything

LabGeek2013

Hi,

This is first time I've ever posted on boards so I'll try to be clear as I can. I'm 24 and for the past year or so I've been tryng to figure out whats happening with me. Ever since I was a teenager I was always different from the other girls I knew. I was/am a tomboy and never liked all those girly things they'd go on about. Because of this I felt alienated and was bullied. I didn't have many friends. This made me feel like I was just some weirdo that nobody really wanted anything to do with. It also probably didnt help that I was always quiet and shy.

The people around me started having boyfriends and girlfriends, I just plainly had no interest. I put it out of my mind and got on with school. I never thought I wanted a relationship with someone, boy or girl. It wasnt until college that I started thinking that something must be wrong with me, I never had a boyfriend. My close friends, the ones I made in college, always just said it'll happen eventually.

When I was 21, I did meet a guy and we went on a few dates. We never went as far as anything sexual. It just felt awkward/wrong. Again I just tried to put it out of my mind, "it'll happen eventually! " It didnt even occur to me that maybe I was gay and just didn't feel attracted to men. Its only in the last year or so that I have genuinely considered it. I dont know why it just clicked. I feel stupid that its taken me this long to even think of it. I have been attracted to some women but don't think I realised it. Even any fantasies or dreams I've had involved women. It makes me feel naive. Like I know nothing about myself.

When i think about it, I start to get anxious and depressed. Im my mind I know that it is perfectly acceptable to be gay. I know I would be happier but that doesn't stop the doubts. I think "you've never been in a relationship with a woman, you're just ****ing kidding yourself" and it just sends me in circles. Am I gay? Am I straight? Well then if I'm straight then I must just be some ****ing weirdo to still be alone like this. Just constantly going around and around thinking like this makes me feel desperate. I would talk to my friends but I feel like I need it all to be in place and making sense in my head before I could even approach them. None of my friends, that I am aware of, are gay. And I know that you don't need to have gay friends to be able to talk but I feel like it might be better with someone who knows where im coming from. I suppose thats why I started this thread.

If you have read all of this then I thank you for taking the time. I only meant to write something short and simple. I just felt it was time i did something, anonymous or not. I can't keep going on thinking it'll happen eventually, can I?

pharmaton

I don't think anyone can tell you if you're gay or straight, I don't think its all that necessary to label yourself either way anyway and while it's healthy to have an open mind (*heart) there shouldn't be any pressure for you to feel like you need to be with someone in order to validate your own experiences. Not everyone is programmed to go out and mate (or settle down) as soon as they hit puberty, it's not a life priority for everybody, some people have no interest in being in that place til they're good and ready or until it is incited by that one particular individual.
The idea we are all sexually driven beings by default is completely erroneous. fcuk that Shít.
Be who you are and what you need will find you.

Ambersky

You could go along to some womens events and see how you feel. You dont have to be lesbian, gay, bi or asexual to go along just open and exploring your sexuality is enough.
You have already gone to several events that were aimed primarily at a heterosexual clientele . Im taking that as the implication in your saying none of your friends are gay as far as you know, so the atmosphere you have been moving in has been to presume straight unless its revealed otherwise. You have also gone on a date with someone of the opposite gender, so you have had a go at finding out how that feels at least on one occasion.

To go along to a womens event doesn't mean you have to go out with someone.
Same rules apply, you only do what you feel comfortable with.
You could go to any of the Running Amach events they are very relaxed and welcoming to women in all kinds of situations. There are currently 953 members and you can do anything from going for a walk, having a meal out, playing squash, pitch and put, badminton or even chess. You might just make some friends.
http://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBTQ-Womens-Social-Networking-Club/

If it is reassuring to you Id like to say your story is not unfamiliar. Lots of women have felt that they just aren't into something, or more importantly anyone, when the people or the opportunities simply hadn't come up in the normal course of events in their lives. Some women meet someone and then realise they are attracted to women and after that go seeking out others. For some women that opportunity doesn't arise or unless they know the possibility exists they don't allow themselves consciously or unconsciously to feel it.
24 also isnt too old by any means, in fact it use to be the average age for coming out. People tend to come out younger now but thats not everyone, you could meet loads of women who came out in their mid twenties.
Of course I am not saying you are or are not gay. Im also not saying you have to be sexually interested in anyone or in any gender. Its just that if you are open to the possibility of widening the group of people you usually hang out with you may find you have some things in common with people you havent met yet. Who knows like I say you may make some friends and or have some fun.

Emz93

Hey, can honestly relate 100% to your situation. I was confused and naive. Had no idea what I wanted if I'm honest! I've had relationships with guys but none have lasted long, I just couldn't really feel the connection and couldn't understand how my friends seemed to be crazy about their boyfriends yet I would just be content. I always knew I had 'crushes' on girls though but kept with guys coz I also thought I had some attraction, although now I think that this was just denial. Everyone's situation is different though. I lived with the niggling feeling for years until I couldn't take it anymore and told a close friend, then continued to tell a few more. Reactions were great! But from what you say about not wanting to tell them because you ate confused or don't know where your head is. I came out before I had ever even kissed a girl, so while I said that I had a thing for girls I also wasn't entirely sure at all. However coming out made me sure. I can't even begin to explain how much it helped me clear my mind and remove the confusion! I think it was the fact that I could openly talk about girls with my friends instead of guys that made me realise. I don't know if it might be a help to you but maybe telling someone who you are close to that you have these thoughts can help ease the anxiety you may be feeling. Only if you feel you're ready of course! If not, you can always pm me or use this forum as a bit of an outlet for yourself :P think I posted a good five threads for advice on anon before I started posting as my username :P