After 20 years...

crankybastard

I am writing because I really don't know what else to do and I pride myself on being someone who always knows a way or at least I always can figure out a way to make a bad situation better.
I am living with my partner of 20 years, we have a nice house together, no kids and a few dogs and cats.
Before I start, I just have to say that I am writing this entirely from my point of view, because I am done with sympathizing, seeing the other point of view, being patient and putting up with it.
So here's the point that has been building up in my mind from literally a molehill to a mighty mountain, tens of thousands of feet high, a mountain that I can no longer ignore, pretend is not there or just walk around it.
Myself and my lovely girlfriend have been together for 20 years and that is all lovely and nice.
Except it isn't.
For 10 of those 20 years, our sex life has dwindled from barely there to completely non-existent.
She doesn't even want me to see her naked, let alone touch her or kiss her.
She recoils in horror.
I have tried everything during this time, I have modified my behavior as required by her in order to please her, I wear what she likes, I do what she likes and watch what she likes.
I have been patient, impatient, resigned, infuriated, depressed, tried to just ignore her and considered having a girlfriend on the side or go to hookers (wouldn't do either, but to a starving man strange ideas come)
I am at the point where i think I am going a bit peculiar, like those old bachelors in their 60's who have never left home and still live with their mammy.
I will soon be like them, looking a bit like Father Jack, bald, fat, with bushes of hair growing out of my nose and ears and odd as two left shoes.
What kept me hanging on for all those lonely, desperate years you ask? What insanity could possibly have come across my poor, addled brain to voluntarily subject myself to this awful situation, where I am literally doubting my sanity at times?
Hope.
She will, as required when I look down, get my hopes up, be nice to me, cook me dinners and do everything to make me feel better.
Except that.
But I will still hang on, like some completely braindead gambler in front of a one armed bandit and pull the lever over and over and over again, in the completely vain hope of the machine spitting out a jackpot for me.
Except I know deep in my heart that there is no jackpot and never will be.
I have just come off a lovey-dovey period, where everything was roses and it looked like it just may happen.
Of course up until the point when I draw her into my arms, look into her eyes and try to kiss her.
Then she draws away, rather sharp and pretend she has something to do, or she is cold or whatever excuse she has.
This has now plunged me into one of my more depressive, withdrawn and hostile periods.
Those times are not good, we fight and I try to hurt her as much as she is hurting me.
I hope I'm succeeding.
If she ONLY had the guts to admit that we have a problem, if ONLY she would FINALLY say „You know, this isn't working out, I love you, but only as a friend“
WHY can't she say that?
Why can't she just be honest?
I tell you why.
Dependence.
I have the job, I bring in the doe and without me she would lose the roof over her head.
In order to keep what she has, she will pretend that nothing is wrong.
Yes, she sees absolutely no problem between us, the lack of sex does not affect her, everything is just peachy as far as she is concerned.
She does not want to depend on herself for a living, not when there's me around to pay the bills and take her out.
Have I talked to her about it?
For hours and hours and hours!
No good, she will NOT admit that there's a problem, she cannot understand why I am being so selfish and so on.
I truly am not one of those blokes that says „I have to have sex NOW“ and basically demand it.
I think though that once or twice in 10 years is not too much to ask.
No-one in their right mind can agree that our relationship is working.
I so desperately want to leave, I'm still young enough to have a second chance, it's not too late for me.
She once accused me of „wasting her life“, well she is the one that does not see a problem with us, she is the one that wants to hang on for grim life, because she doesn't want to go it her own way.
She often says that I am the only person in her lfe that hasn't walked out on her and if I leave, she will be alone, homeless and the animals will starve.
In fact, what happened is that she systematically alienated every last one of her friends and family, till they don't want anything to do with her. She will conjure up some imagined slight by them and then start ranting and raving about them, for hours on end and I am forced to listen to it. If I look disinterested, she will accuse me of siding with them and then start ranting at me, how I am useless.
In her mind, everyone is against her (even me) and because of that, she retreats into a fantasy world of aliens, unicorns, the Illuminati, angels and god knows what else.
I feel I am being used to prop up her lifestyle, to be a cashmachine and to listen to her moan and rant, drive her places and be a companion, because no one else will.
So, do I cut off my balls, become a doormat and just resign myself to the fact that she needs me, because she doesn't have anyone else and without me, will eventually end up like Crazy Cat Lady?
Or do I just turn heartless and say No More! And be off with myself?
It is harder than you think, because to leave a life that you have toiled for 20 years to build is like asking someone to cut their foot off to get out of a trap, but staying in the trap is also not a great option.
It's easy to say „Just dump her sorry ass“ or „you selfish prick, you should support your woman through think and thin and stop thinking about your dick for a second“.
No wonder I'm a cranky bastard.
Any advise is greatly appreciated.

Penny Tration

It's easy for me to say, but you need to leave.

She's not willing to admit there's a problem, and blames it all on you.

Mate, what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life miserable, after spending TEN YEARS trying to appease her and fix things? Or leave, deal with a year or two of awful emotional and physical upheaval, and live the rest of your life happily?

Seems like a pretty obvious choice to me.

December2012

If you really want to leave, then do. It's not fair for one person to refuse to acknowledge a problem. It's not fair to withhold love or affection.

But if you want to save this, then tell your partner you are both going to relationship counselling to talk this problem out. And if she won't go, then that's it.

Life is too short to stay miserable and be hurting each other.

maria34

Is there a reason why she cant survive on her own? Isnt she working?

crankybastard

I have tried before, I was organising a job abroad and somewhere to live, I don't know why the fcuk I stayed.
And there was once another girl that I left because of her, I cannot talk about that, if I even think of her I go into a depression that could last for days. I once threw away happiness.

crankybastard

maria34 wrote: »

Is there a reason why she cant survive on her own? Isnt she working?

She is trying to find work, but it is very hard for her and the fact that we live in Clare doesn't make things easier.
She is does office work and there is zilch out there.
But my sole function cannot be to carry the can all the time.

maria34

You said you dont have kids so she can move or do whatever to find a job. And by the sound of it you wont have any kids because theres no sex.

If you are not happy then you should leave. Thats no life.

jcon1913

Hey how are you? I read your post, you sound like you have been patient with your partner. I know we're only reading your side of the story. As they say, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, so perhaps there is a whole other side to this.

Anyhow, I suffered from a lot of the same problems with my wife. We are married 20 years, have 3 kids and she has the same reaction to imtimacy as your partner.

I have my own sitting room where I hang out and watch whatever I want on the TV. She doesn't visit my family, or her own, never speaks to any of them on either side. That's her loss - I see as much of my friends and family as I want, without killing her about it.

My wife is great in many respects, but the lack of intimacy is one element that drives me pure mad. I just put it out of my mind most of the time, for the sake of the children.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if you really love her enough to put up with this. I couldn't live a day without seeing my kids ( I'm filling up as I even type this ) so I will never leave the family home.

If you really love her enough, you will put up with it. And if you tell her this, then who knows.

Mind you the work thing, now that is a nonsense. She should at least get a voluntary job, get a job as an intern, whatever. As an office worker her skills ( IT and generally ) will be going out of date month by month, so she should get out there and do something to stay in touch with the workplace.

Sorry for the rambling post.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think based on your post the general answer will be "get out of there while you can".

So this is why I'll play devil's advocate here. Please feel free to ignore what I'm saying if it doesn't apply, ok?

- As for the money issue: are there more variables to it? You say you are the main breadwinner, but you also say she cooks you dinners. Maybe you guys do share tasks, as in you go to work and she takes care of the house? Was the choice of living in Clare (where she is not able to get a job) somehow related to your relatives/life choices?

- You say she cringes when you try to be intimate with her (I know these are not exactly your words, but this is the impression I got, again I could be wrong). If someone is in the "I love you but just as a friend" phase of the relationship, they would probably humor you by hugging you back (at least) and maybe having unenthusiastic sex. If she breaks off contact so quickly, sounds more like there's a big issue there other than lack of sexual attraction. Did she put on weight or could she be embarrassed about her body for any reason? Could she feel pain during penetration? Could she resent you for something and still have it in her mind?

In spite of everything you say, 20 years is a LOT, and it sounds to me like even though you voice frustration, you still love her. And in spite of her distance, she still loves you. It surprises me though how you guys grew so emotionally distant that you cannot discuss this more openly. But hey, this is normal and happens a lot (been there, done that). I think 20 years is worth a bit more of soul-searching and communication before you decide "I'm still young enough to get out of here and start anew". But this is only my humble opinion.

Best of luck.

boomchicawawa

I don't really see why you haven't called time on your 'relationship' But I detect that you still have some feelings for this women, that if she was intimate with you, things would change radically. Is that because you are craving affection as a human being or do you still love her a bit ?

Is it the rejection from her that hurts the most? You have tried to talk but it seems you have tried to get her to admit that she has no feelings for you rather than you being totally honest and admitting that you don't feel anything either. Do you want her to fess up so that you won't feel so guilty about dumping her? Or do you feel that this is the crux of the matter and that if she really cared you could give the relationship a go? You seem to be riding a roller coaster there, up when she's affectionate and down when she's not, and yet you don't seem to have any good word to say for her.

If you have been together in that house for 20 years, she will probably have some sort of financial claim on it if you split, that would have to be sorted out. But that might make it easier to walk away with less guilt.

It does seem that you two have come to the end of the road and if you don't do it now, you will be in a worse state in the future. You haven't really explained why you are still there hanging in.....you need to get to the bottom of that in your own head, acknowledge it and then move forward.

She seems totally unhappy too, many marriages are like yours but there are usually kids involved so the parting is messier, its time ask yourself ....why stopping me from leaving now? and then aim to do it so that this time next year, you'll be the master of your own destiny. There will be a lot of tears and acrimony no doubt but it will be worth it in the long run. I wish you both the best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem desperate for her to make the decision to end the relationship. Wishing that she would just be honest and admit you've reached the end of the road. If that were to happen would you be happy to go your separate ways? If so what is stopping you making that same decision? It is a difficult decision to make, especially after 20 years - which is why you're both just drifting along, neither of you willing to take that step.

You've said yourself, you've been through the range of emotions over a very long period of time, so you know at this stage nothing is going to change. She needs to want to change herself, and it doesn't sound like she does. If she doesn't change, nothing will change.

And that's why ultimately, the decision needs to be yours.

Soaring hawk

Op I am have similar problem, 16 years married 3 wonderful children and a wife who told me at the marriage councillor she doesn't want me to touch her. We haven't had sex in 3 years I can't remember when we last made love. However because she has issues with alcohol and problems from her childhood that she's dealing with so I know she is suffering as am I. Right now I'm considering my options but it is not easy, could your partner have issues fro her past that are causing her to be like this
I understand how you feel angry and upset. There are lot of men going through this I hope you come to the best decision for you.
Good luck

boomchicawawa

I feel for guys in this situation, there is a perception that men don't care as much as women or they don't hurt as much as women, but they do on both counts. Also women have a tremendous back us service usually in their friends, if the call goes out that one is having problems, all the friends will rally around with advice and chicken soup. Men on the other hand tend to keep it in and don't disgorge to their mates, it's not considered manly. Always have someone that you can talk to lads, someone who'll listened, not necessarily to give advice but just to care. Your mental health is as important as your partners.

jcon1913

boomchicawawa wrote: »

I feel for guys in this situation, there is a perception that men don't care as much as women or they don't hurt as much as women, but they do on both counts. Also women have a tremendous back us service usually in their friends, if the call goes out that one is having problems, all the friends will rally around with advice and chicken soup. Men on the other hand tend to keep it in and don't disgorge to their mates, it's not considered manly. Always have someone that you can talk to lads, someone who'll listened, not necessarily to give advice but just to care. Your mental health is as important as your partners.

Probably an issue for another thread but who can you talk to? Other men consider problems to be an infectious disease, is couselling the only option? Often talking to family brings up the the same issue as talking to other men - ''what, you have problems?''

MagicMarker

Just so you know op, she'll have legal rights the to house and to some support from you after you leave., even though you're not married. From your post I get the impression that you think that you can just walk away.

Before you do anything you should get legal advice.

Vitaliorange

OP count yourself lucky that you don't have kids.

Break up now, your life is ending by the minute. You only live once.

LegacyUser

I think you should ask her to go to counselling first before making any decision. What happened 10 years ago for things to change? Presumably before that you had a loving sexual relationship so what changed then? If she won't go to counselling with you, go on your own and then at least you can say that you gave it your best shot before making whatever decision you come to. You deserve a future with love in it, and cannot go on in the current situation.

ladygirl

I agree - count yourself lucky that you dont have kids and leave.

I also find it ridiculous that she is not working - why not??? Another poster said she makes you dinner and this may be classed as equal - NO WAY does sometimes making a dinner compare to working full time and providing for someone. Its not as if she is a stay at home mother - she only has herself to mind and seems incapable of that.. LAZY........

Get out of there now - you already said that you once threw away a chance at happiness - Well now is the time for you to take your life back and BE HAPPY.

Realtionships are not like this OP - they are an equal partnership. They have their highs and lows - but the good days should FAR outweight the Bad.

You sound like you are extreemely patient and I think you could make some girl extreemely happy.

The world is what you make of it - Wife, Children, Happily ever after - it can all be yours if you so wish. Dont live in mysery for the next 10 years

All the best
xx

Sleepy

As MagicMarker says, since the Civil Partnership Bill has been passed, you'll probably have to pay alimony of some sort if she decides to pursue you for it. Go see a lawyer.

How are you not incredibly angry? You've been used for 20 years and while you share some of the blame for not ending things sooner, she's clearly not prepared to change.

On the upside, there's no kids involved so it's a lot easier to make a clean break.

beks101

Christ on a bike. I know life is never black or white, but it never ceases to amaze me what sort of relentless misery and despair some people round here will put up with in a dead-end relationship, when the answer is as obvious as a slap to the face with a wet fish.

Crankybasterd, you either accept that you will live a sexless life for the rest of your existence if you stay with this girl and give her another 20 painful years.

Or you decide that's not acceptable, tell her so, pack your bags, deal with the fallout and move forward with your life.

I can guarantee you one thing: she's not going to suddenly pounce on you some day out of the blue and make up for ten years of sexual rejection. She clearly can't be bothered.

Make a decision and accept the consequences.

seenitall

Hi OP,

it doesn't read like what you have with your girlfriend is love. Just some weird, uneasy, resentful (and I don't blame you), co-dependent partnership that is masquerading as a relationship. In which you are constantly being led on a merry dance in an effort to pacify you and keep you sweet. It sounds very, very bad to me, cruel even.

Listen up, OP: what you do have with her - isn't worth it. You have ONE life. Think about it, really, really think about that fact and let it sink in. Once you're dead, it's game over, no more love, no more sex, no more happiness, ever. Nothing.

Your life is the most valuable thing you have at the moment. For a lot of people it is their relationship, but not you. Since your life is your most valuable thing, do your best to honour it, to redeem it if you will, by at least having a stab at finding some happiness. You owe it to yourself, and if that's not enough of a motivation for you, you owe it to anyone who's ever loved you or wanted you to be happy.

It also reads to me like the fear of the change and the unknown is what is holding you back from leaving. I'll tell you this from the other side: it's ok. Once you take that leap, it's not so scary any more. Sure, it gets lonely, yes. But it doesn't get any worse than being in an unfullfilling, lonely relationship. And at least you know that you are free for something amazing to happen to you again, and I hope it does.

Don't go seeing hookers, don't do any piecemeal, half-way measures; you deserve so much more, you deserve to have it all. Walk away and find your new life. Sadness first, loneliness first, then slowly, the feeling of accomplishment and HOPE. A hope that actually stands a chance of being fullfilled.

You know, you can still love someone without surrendering to them your peace of mind, your sexual being, your chance of happiness. You can love them while moving on.

Do it, OP, take the leap. All the best.

MugMugs

December2012 wrote: »

If you really want to leave, then do. It's not fair for one person to refuse to acknowledge a problem. It's not fair to withhold love or affection.

But if you want to save this, then tell your partner you are both going to relationship counselling to talk this problem out. And if she won't go, then that's it.

Life is too short to stay miserable and be hurting each other.

There's a lot of sound advice here but this is the one you need to do. Leave! Or make her but get the hell out of that relationship ASAP!

dellas1979

No buts or maybes or long explanation. Answer this honestly, a yes/no, can you live in a sexless, loveless relationship for the rest of your days?

If no, leave, and stop drawing this out. Its already been 10 years. She cant make you lead a life that you dont want to, in any circumstance.

If yes, you need to accept that this is the life that youve chosen for yourself. Not a life that shes made you lead.

crankybastard

Well, there's a lot to think about.
First, not worried about having to pay/splitting assets. I want everything to be fair and 50/50.
If I have to pay her some kind of keep, I'll do what I can.
She is the one who on previous occasions has said "you're trying to take my house off me and leave me homeless" when I told her that I have a 50% claim on the house we're living in and that we both have worked long and hard for. And that we both put thousands and thousands into.
She wasn't always unemployed and she does want to work, I have no reason to doubt her there.
Whether I'll go, of course it's scary as sh*t, see what the Christmas brings.
Better a horrible ending than a never ending horror, as they say.
I might just suffer from Stockholm Syndrome at this stage...

dellas1979

Just remember its your life, and you make your own choices. Not her, you.

If you do chose a loveless, sexless life for yourself - she is not going to spring to life crankybastard - lets get that straight now, you need to come to terms/peace with what youve accepted. Not what life has dealt you. But what youve dealt yourself.

Take care.

ischia

If you read back over your emails you don't describe how much you love her, how pretty you think she is or how happy she makes you feel ANYWHERE.

You write about her like she is a thorn in your foot and say only negative things.

You seem like a tormented man. A man who craves a life that somehow has passed you by.

But most of all you seem passed the point of reconciliation.

I don't know how old you are.. but are never to old to start again. You idea of a new beginning abroad sounds like a fantastic adventure.

You need to do this for yourself. Your not happy. You don't seem to have been for a long time. It is not going to be easy but you will be the better for it.

dellas1979

ischia wrote: »

I don't know how old you are.. but are never to old to start again.

Can I just add to this, due to his death in recent days. Nelson Mandela made choices in his 30s/40s. He was then incarcerated for 27 years, came out, became President, divorced his then wife, and lived life to the max, in his 70s, 80s, 90s.

Although impossibly charismatic, he didnt have some magic wizardry. He was a simple man. He had a life like all of us. And he made his life count. He made choices, even though like all of us, he was probably terrified. But he never stopped trying for what he believed in.

Vitaliorange

crankybastard wrote: »

Well, there's a lot to think about.
First, not worried about having to pay/splitting assets. I want everything to be fair and 50/50.
If I have to pay her some kind of keep, I'll do what I can.
She is the one who on previous occasions has said "you're trying to take my house off me and leave me homeless" when I told her that I have a 50% claim on the house we're living in and that we both have worked long and hard for. And that we both put thousands and thousands into.
She wasn't always unemployed and she does want to work, I have no reason to doubt her there.
Whether I'll go, of course it's scary as sh*t, see what the Christmas brings.
Better a horrible ending than a never ending horror, as they say.
I might just suffer from Stockholm Syndrome at this stage...

Christmas will bring more of the same, you are just making excuses to avoid the fear of the unknown.

hedgehog2

Probably one of the funniest written boards threads yet if it was not do tragic.
Op you owe it to yourself,you leave or she leaves.

LegacyUser

I have to be honest here what are you getting out of this so called relationship?
Your with a woman who sees you as a meal ticket, who is offering you a sexless relationship and you see her as a thorn in your foot.
You have put up with this for 10 years and it is not going to improve. Let her tell you that you are making her homeless when you have told us you will split thing 50/50.

At this stage the only person who can change things is you. You need to get legal advice and then make plans to split up from this woman.
It is time to remember you only have one life to lead and your the only person who can change things to improve it.