please help

kilashee11

hi dont really post on this but really need advice as regards my marriage.i have just discovered my husband has been texting escorts. dont no whether he has actually met up with them but my gut says he probably has seeing as he only admitted when the evidance was layed out on front of him. heres a little bit about us. we are together nearly eight years married nearly three with two young kids. things have always been turbulkant between us so much so that we for the last four months have been attending marriage counselling things had been getting slightly better for the last while so much so that i was willing to keep going and forget the past.in the past i had suspisions he had contacted escorts from lists of numbers i had found but he has furiosly denied this i had decided to leave it in the past and forget it due to the fact that at the time i had had an abortion and we werent married. now this happens and to be honest i dont no if i can go bac there. at the back of it all i do love but i dont no can i go bac there i think i will never properly trust him but theres also a bit of me that wants my marriage to work. my head is two ways at the minute just wondering is ther any one in a similar situation that could offer non judgemental advice thanks in advance
laura

ladygirl

I haven't been through a situation like this however from your post in my opinion your relationship is pretty much over.

If it was just him contacting escorts I would advise you to talk about it and maybe go down the relationship counselling route. However you were already in counselling when he contacted the escorts.. It shows that he isn't taking anything seriously - and by not taking the counselling seriously it shows he isn't taking you or your relationship seriously.

Counselling is generally the last step in weather to stay or walk away from a relationship.

I'm not sure if there is ever going to be much change in a person like him
so unfortunately my advise for you is to move on with you life as it is not good either for children to grow up in such a turbulent environment.

All the Best
xxx

kilashee11

THANX FOR THE REPLY TO BE HONEST U JUST SAID WHAT I WAS THINKING I JUST DONT WANT TO SIT IN TEN YEARS AND REGRET THE DECISION I MADE. I HAVE ASKED HIM TO MOVE OUT AND HE HAS DONE SO WHAT I CANT UNDERSTAND IS HOW SOMEONE COULD DO WHAT HE DID IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNSELLING AND EVEYTHING I GUESS ITS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY YOU CANT CHANGE A LEOPARDS SPOTS THANX

freshpopcorn

How is ye're sex life? He might have being contacting the escorts to provide him with one or if he felt board with what was going on at the moment. A lot of the time sex important in relationships and that both partners enjoy it.
Sometimes people attend marriage counselling just to keep their partner happy(for a while) when they have no interest in continuing their relationship.
They are countless reasons to be honest.
If you do want the relationship to continue you do need to talk to him

kilashee11

sex life wasnt great to be honest it was like after i had the second baby he lost interest in me id initiate and constantly get rejected. there was always an excuse im tired which to be honest i suppose i new wasnt right at the time and used to say it to him which wound him up more. spoke to him told him i need time because im so angry at the minute i cant have him around as it would only anger me more. for the kids sake im always going to be in touch with him so prefer not to say stuff il regret later have told him he will have to help out with kids next week so at least i wont need to take time of work . what gets me the most is his attitude to it he apologised but thats it thanks for all the advice much appreciated as its the kind of thing i find hard to say to friends and family

CaraMay

No one can assume that he was BORED and this sounds like a compulsion he has.

Op I don't want to scare you but hope you go for tests to ensure you haven't caught anything from him.

I don't think there is anything yo save in this marriage tbh. Trust, respect and honestly as long gone. Ye are no longer intimate and you will hardly want to be ever again knowing he has been sleeping with escorts.

freshpopcorn

If ye want the relationship to continue both partners must be committed to make it work. If he is interested in making it last it might work but if he isn't then their isn't much point.
He did apologise to you. What else would you like him to do.

Carriexx

Hi OP. I really feel for you , yuou poor thing. Alot of my friends are married , we are in early 30's, and this isnt the 1st time I've heard the same stories like this from them. So your not alone. Do what ever is best for you, as its you that has to build the trust again! Hope your ok

kilashee11

thanx for the replys freshpopcorn as regards apologise im not sure what i want but i dont no sorry i didnt mean it just doesnt cut it this time in my opinion maybe im being hard i honestly dont no. thanx caramay never even thought along the lines of testing. and carriexx its nice to no im not on my own the hardest thing is the kids there both so young at the minute that they dont really notice but its like everytime i look at them i soften a bit towards him but at the back of it i no that i cant just stay with him for them

CaraMay

Op if you still with him you are putting your mental (and possibly physical) health at risk. The kids need a healthy mother more than they need two adults under the same roof.

You are very brave.

LegacyUser

It is a horrible position to be in when you have two small children.
You want your marriage to work. Your making the effort both on the sexual side and with the counselling but you find that he is still contacting escorts.

From what you have told us your husband wants it every way. He is going to marriage counselling, he has told you he is sorry but he is still contacting escorts.
Actions speak louder than words. At this stage I would go and get checked out in case he give you anything. I would then get legal advice in regards to your own circumstances to protect yourself and the children before you give him his marching orders.
Your children deserve to grow up in a happy house and not one where there is tension.
See if you could talk to a discreet friend about this as you need some support at the moment.

I would not worry about what people think or say if you split up - it is none of there business.
If you decide to end things I would get both set of parents around to your house when he is at work. Get your discreet friend to mind the children when you do this.
Then tell both sets of parents why your marriage is over. Don't give him a chance to tell them it was all your fault and paint you as a bitch. If he is smart enough to use escorts let him face both sets of parents once they know what he is like. Why should you live a lie to suit him or cover up for him.

kilashee11

thank you wise woman i no what your saying is true i no my family will support me either way but its just so nhard to say you failed never thought five years ago id be in this position but i suppose u never no what positon u will be in until you get there as regards his family im not sure if i should say it to them or leave it to him. i worry what people think always and they always classed me as a l;ittle wild a bit of a party girl and he was the onwe who quitened me. i think if he doesnt tell them what he did they will assume its me and i dont want that either.timing pretty crap to comin up to xmas it would be the babys first xmas and i just feel like its ruined and plans are in up heaval as we were supposed to go to his. i also dont no what to do about work as my kids werent in a creche and my childminder was just a neighbour who did it for a few extras quid ah well im just goin to have to accept the situation and try my best to get through it
thanks for all your replys is helpin me think about things

The Corinthian

Why is he contacting escorts?

I ask this because it seems strange that this question hasn't actually been raised in this discussion, and I suspect that this is the root of all the problems - not necessarily this particular question, but that questions like this are not being asked - at least from what I've read to date here.

There's a reason why he's contacting escorts. There's a reason why he lost interest sexually in the OP after the birth of the second child. The OP's behaviour may well have also changed over time twoards him, perhaps even without her realizing it, and there's a reason for this too.

The impression I get is that both of them have been shying away from asking why, which would be the first step in dealing with the problem. Even if they're in counselling, there's no guarantee they're addressing them there either.

One possible scenario is that the OP never physically recovered after the second birth and thus became unattractive to her husband. He lost interest in her, but not in sex and thus turned to escorts. Yet, throughout all this, he probably made little effort to communicate this issue to her, or maybe he did and she rejected such communication. Either way, the problem was never properly communicated and thus never addressed, and instead allowed to fester and grow.

Chances are the reality is more complex than the above scenario, but I do believe that it's only become so because there's been a failure of communication, which appears to still remain. So if those awkward questions are not asked, if they cannot communicate them, then the problem will lead them both to an inevitable break-up.

kilashee11

thank you for your reply the reason for him contacting escorts i do not no due the fact that his response was he doesnt no why so how the hell would i no as regards my appearance after the second child i am the same size now as i was before i had the baby and always looked after myself in that way yea its true your body changes after you have kids but as far as my changes are they are the ones that cant be helped. yea i agree communication is lost here but sometimes with him its like going against a brick wall thank you for your reply

The Corinthian

kilashee11 wrote: »

his response was he doesnt no why so how the hell would i no

Well, honestly, he needs to grow up. He may be shy or embarrassed about discussing certain topics. He may even be avoiding doing so because he's afraid of your reaction. Whatever the reason, if he doesn't things are pretty much guaranteed not to end well, so he's nothing to lose if he does talk.

as regards my appearance after the second child i am the same size now as i was before i had the baby

I didn't mean to suggest that this was why, I used the scenario principally to illustrate how poor communication can end up screwing up relationships.

kilashee11

thank you for getting bac i can c you were just using scenarios as you said it was probably pretty much bound to end and maybe i was so caught up with the kids i didnt notice it happening

The Corinthian

kilashee11 wrote: »

thank you for getting bac i can c you were just using scenarios as you said it was probably pretty much bound to end and maybe i was so caught up with the kids i didnt notice it happening

I'm not saying it has ended yet; even now the two of you could, in theory, salvage things if you could get over the barrier that stops you both from even identifying the root problems, let alone address them.

If you can't get over this communication barrier though, then yes, the relationship would inevitably be doomed, sooner or later.

Sleepy

IMO, men in relationships go to escorts for one of of a number of reasons:

They're unable to commit to a single partner and should never have gotten into a monogamous relationship in the first place.

They're being denied sex by their partner.

Their partner doesn't share a kink of theirs or won't indulge them in it (I remember reading an old piece from the 70's about a huge percentage of prostitutes' clients being there for oral sex which was still rather taboo at the time).

They're too ashamed or embarrassment about a particular kink they want to explore to even discuss it with their partner e.g. wanting to explore pegging and being afraid their partner would think that such an interest means they must be gay :rolleyes:

They suffer from the madonna/whore complex and wouldn't want to explore a particular kink with their partner because they think it would be disrespectful to her or because they think her too "nice" to be involved in that act (e.g. scat, water sports, rimming, etc.)

If you think the relationship is worth saving, I'd recommend trying to get him to open up on this. Be prepared for the fourth case as I expect it's by far the most common: human sexuality is incredibly diverse and, even if the activity he's interested in turns your stomach, you need to be completely non-judgmental about it if you want him to be able to open up and discuss it with you.