am i wrong for spying on my ex?

LegacyUser

Here's the situation.

My ex boyfriend and I separated after 3 years, last August. There had been cheating on both sides and financial trouble, leading to seemingly irreconcilable differences.

We remained best friends, and living apart seemed to be good for us. Sometimes he would tell me he missed me. Last week we slept together on two occasions, and admitted we still loved one another. He regularly asks me to spend the night at his place

I noticed some food in his apartment that he doesn't just not eat, he is allergic to them.

So, one night I suggest we watch a movie together. He offered some excuse, and I didn't believe him. So I stopped by his apartment, let myself in with my old key, and I stood outside on the stairwell. I could hear him having dinner with his new girlfriend… and making the same jokes as he does with me. This girl obviously knows about me because he said he wanted to spend his birthday with her and me, except obviously not together. I got the impression they are dating. I could hear them kissing, and left.

This has now happened twice, he doesn't know I know, but is still texting me asking me over, asking me when we can sleep together again.

should I confront him? He is still dependent on me for a lot of things, and I'm not sure if I was wrong to invade his privacy like this, so I don't want to just walk away without thinking things over, but I am just really really hurt by all these mixed messages.

Advice?

CaraMay

Just don't respond to his next contact. Tell him you are not interested and move on. He seems to want you to be his mistress.

Chara1001

No no no no no no no no no!!

Don't let yourself in to his place, return his key and stop spying on him- op, this is verging on stalking!!

That's the first thing you need to do.

The second thing is to make the difficult decision to cut contact entirely until you recover from your breakup. He's asking you around to sleep with him, you're doing it, he's met someone else and if i'm reading correctly- he's told her that he still has something going on with you but intends to keep seeing her. This isn't him having his cake and eating it, this is a f***ing pigout in a cake shop!

This is going to do you absolutely no good- in fact will cause you some amount of harm, I mean what you're already doing is really really not cool!! How much further downhill do you think this will take you?

clairefontaine

You have all the information you need now, so cut it loose. Now you are looking for reasons to keep spying because the separation anxiety is making you irrational.

LegacyUser

First, yes, I am slightly mortified that I let myself in to his place with my old key while he had a woman there. I know that's inappropriate, but I had my reasons, it had seemed we were getting back together.

I know what you guys are saying about cutting it off, except this was a three year relationship, we both invested a lot of ourselves in it. It's not easy to just post back the (real or metaphor) key and never see one another again.

There was a short period when we first broke up where we didn't speak, and I'm guessing this is when he met this girl. This new thing between me and him is very recent, we had committed to being friends up until a week and a half ago. So maybe he is as confused as I am.

If i do just walk away, would the rational thing be to confront him, or give no explanation?

I'm sorry, but what you did is really creepy. Ugh, you let yourself into his apartment and stood there, listening to what was going on? If the roles were reversed, that would be called stalking plain and simple. Return the key, cut all contact, move on with your life.

Morag

Post your old key in through his letterbox, walk away and get on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - you know you're wrong (that is why you asked) but you want people to tell you you were right, and had legitimate reasons.

You've contradicted yourself a bit - you say you let yourself in, because you were suspicious of his excuses, then you say you let yourself in because it looked like you were getting back together. Either way it's creepy. You don't let yourself into someone else's house. You knock.

He might be confused.. but if you're hanging around waiting for him to "booty call" you, and he has the other girl willing to be one of his 2 "booty calls" - then he won't be confused - he'll be happy enough to be able to call one or either of you depending on what he's in the mood for. You can either tell him what you did, and you know he's seeing someone else.. or else you can just stop being available to him when he calls you. If he misses you and wants to be with you, he'll come back (without the other girl)... But as the saying goes "how can he miss you, if you won't go away?"

Chara1001

Three years isn't the longest time op, you can move on relatively unscathed. Its long enough to take some good memories with you and learn some lessons to take with you to your next relationship. But -my god- you need to stop this NOW.

If you continue as you've started, you can certainly consider yourself creepy- and there is NO WAY you're going to come out of it with much self respect. And it will end badly, that's for sure. I don't understand your logic for letting yourself in- you thought you were getting back together, so you just roll up unannounced and unlock the door?

You need to walk away or this will end up a car crash....

iwantmydinner

OP, stop going into his home. Get rid of the key. This is going down a bad path.

You should also stop seeing him and definitely stop sleeping with him.

Other posters have given you the same advice, explaining why, and unless you were simply looking for validation for your actions by starting this thread, I strongly advise you to listen.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm sorry, but what you did is really creepy. Ugh, you let yourself into his apartment and stood there, listening to what was going on?

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Either way it's creepy. You don't let yourself into someone else's house. You knock.

Just want to clarify, the apartment was my place too up until recently. We lived together there, he knows I have keys, and I often come over to cook because he just doesn't have the time after work and college. When I visit, which I do every couple of days, I always let myself in. He always knows when I'm coming over, but I never knock.

So while I accept what I did was wrong, and cynical, it was not "creepy". I just needed to know, if we were getting back together, that I wasn't going to be hurt, and yes I came by unannounced for this reason.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He might be confused.. but if you're hanging around waiting for him to "booty call" you, and he has the other girl willing to be one of his 2 "booty calls" - then he won't be confused - he'll be happy enough to be able to call one or either of you depending on what he's in the mood for.

I might be explaining the situation in black and white. It would be a lot easier if I could vilify him but I know he has trouble being alone. I was the one who left and ended the relationship, I think he is on the rebound and hasn't been able to handle being lonely, which he has often said he was after we broke up. Although they seem to be dating, I don't want the 'rebound girl' to end what seemed to be a recovery in our relationship...

except they seem to be in a relationship. I need to know what's going on, and where this is going, but so many issues arise and I don't know if they can come to a head unless I explain what I've done, which may make me look like an idiot/ stalker....

LegacyUser

Chara1001 wrote: »

Three years isn't the longest time op, you can move on relatively unscathed.

And from my perspective, that's what was happening.

I broke up with him. If I had known he was dating someone new one month ago, when we were still hanging out together, that would have not been an issue. I mean I would have rolled my eyes and him needing to be in a relationship so soon, but fine.

The issue is just that we have invested a lot of effort, and 3 years, in our relationship, which seemed to be getting back on its feet. It seemed like we were benefitting from living apart, but having all the benefits of a relationship - dinner, socialising, friendship, and recently intimacy. And then this happened. It's like we cannot trust one another. That's the main issue, not just the fact that we were together 3 years

kjl

so you are sneaking into his house and listening to his date?

Do him and yourself a favour, change your number throw away the key and distance yourself from him.

It sounds like he is turning you totally crazy

CaraMay

So are you standing in a communal stairway in his building then?

The Narrator

I think people are wrong, this isn't bordering on stalking, it is stalking. It's also trespassing. Move on with your life and please try and pratice a bit of cop on.

Matteroffact

You have entered dangerous territory. You got the information you were looking for so what you have to do next is act on it.

The story is that this guy is telling you he loves you but he is also seeing someone else, so that means he is still a cheat. You broke up before because of his cheating but it appears he has not changed. If you want to torment yourself with this guy keep going the way you are but my advise would be that you need to break contact with him and find someone new, for your own peace of mind.

Unless he breaks up with this girl he is in no position to be sleeping with you or telling you he loves you. He is saying one thing but acting out another. He is not telling you about this girl so he is not being honest with you. You will now not be able to trust him, so my best advice would be to steer clear of him. You have been apart for 3 years so if he hasn't changed his ways in that length of time he never will and will only bring you heartache.

There is no need for you to go to his home anymore, you now have all the proof you need that he is still cheating on you. Never tell him you went to his home, bad enough to do it but don't confess to it when you don't have to.

username123

Ouch.

You need to take responsibility for your behaviour here. What you have done is totally unacceptable. It would have been less weird had you just actually let yourself in and let him and his date know you were there - then at least new boundaries could have been drawn.

Anyway, whats done is done, throw away the key, put him out of your life, move on, this situation is doing nothing but bringing out crazy behaviour in you.

Its not "like" you cannot trust each other - you cannot trust each other.

Big Bag of Chips

You are making excuses. You broke up in August, for various reasons I'd guess. Why are you still calling around making dinner for him? If letting yourself in to his place isn't that big a deal, why not just tell him you did it, and heard him inside with someone?

You obviously still have feelings for this guy, and want to get back together with him. So instead of sneaking around and spying, and trying to find out what he's up to.. here's a crazy idea (!) ..... Ask him! Tell him you heard him with someone, tell him you heard him talking to her about you and you heard them kissing (how thin are the walls, or were you actually IN his apartment?)

If he wants to be with you and make a go of it, then off you go and I hope it works out for you. If he still says he's "confused" then it's up to you to make the decision for him. You either decide to be happy being one of 2 girls that he continues to see, or you decide you deserve better than waiting for him to decided which of you he likes best, hand back your key, and let him look after his own dinner in the evenings.

Break ups are never easy. That's why the unanimous advice is usually "cut contact" - because if you don't it gets dragged out, and someone gets upset when the other person starts seeing someone else.

Edit: by the way, he is not dependent on you. He is allowing you to do things because you are happy to do them. Trust me, if you suddenly disappeared and were no longer available to him, he'd find someone else to do all the things you do for him..... Probably his new girlfriend?

dundrum1990

dundrum1990 wrote: »

Just want to clarify, the apartment was my place too up until recently. We lived together there, he knows I have keys, and I often come over to cook because he just doesn't have the time after work and college. When I visit, which I do every couple of days, I always let myself in. He always knows when I'm coming over, but I never knock.

So while I accept what I did was wrong, and cynical, it was not "creepy". I just needed to know, if we were getting back together, that I wasn't going to be hurt, and yes I came by unannounced for this reason.
.

Just because he allows you to come over when he knows, doesn't mean you're allowed to come over when he doesn't. You stood there, in the doorway, eavesdropping on what was being said. Essentially you trespassed on his property (you no longer live there and were there uninvited) and you stood there listening (which, no matter which way you paint it or whatever excuse you used, is pretty damned creepy).

Now imagine you're not in this situation at all and you're reading a post from some other person.. lets say a guy.. who lets himself into his ex-girlfriend's house, stands there listening (for a good period of time, I might add) to this girl and her new boyfriend/booty-call/whatever, and what would you think?

You can't really justify your actions and you seriously need to return the key.

Merkin

No, just no. This is the very antithesis of normal and sane behaviour so I can't understand why you are asking people if it is wrong to spy on him. What are you expecting people to say? You also say that you have done this twice. This is crazy lady behaviour of the highest order and I think the kind folk of PI are being extremely tolerant. I can guarantee if you were a guy who was writing the OP and saying you'd broken in (because that's what you did) to your ex's place while she innocently ate dinner with her new squeeze people would be branding you a creepy nutjob. Regardless of having a key, you have committed a serious offense, a criminal offense. Aside from that, what if one of them had come out to the stairwell suddenly? Your reputation would be in tatters! You'd be known from thereonin as the girl who broke into people's property.

You need to forget about this guy. You broke up some time ago (which leads me to believe that you have obsessive tendencies given the other evidence also). You both cheated on one another. He openly asks you around for sex only and is seeing someone else so what makes this guy such a prize in your eyes? If he was interested in you romantically he would want to be with you and would be making that very clear to you. You also say he is dependent on you for a lot which I suspect you have probably engineered given your obsessive tendencies.

Your behaviour is not normal and for your own sake you need to throw away the key, gather up a little bit of dignity and walk away from this sorry situation. He is not interested in you and no amount of illicit creeping around his property is going to change that. I'd also advise that as a matter of priority you go and seek some professional help as you've clearly lost your grip on reality.

Meauldsegosha

Merkin wrote: »

You need to forget about this guy. You broke up three years ago (which leads me to believe that you have obsessive tendencies given the other evidence also). You both cheated on one another. He openly asks you around for sex only and is seeing someone else so what makes this guy such a prize in your eyes? If he was interested in you romantically he would want to be with you and would be making that very clear to you. You also say he is dependent on you for a lot which I suspect you have probably engineered given your obsessive tendencies.

They broke up in August after 3 years together. I agree with the rest if your post though.

OP in your subsequent posts you are trying to justify your behaviour. The simple fact is you know breaking into his home is wrong.

Stop making excuses for him - he works late/college so I have to make him dinner. No you don't, thousands of people work late and make their dinner and countless other jobs they need to do when they get home, noboby else does it for them. Or he doesn't like being lonely so this girl is a rebound. That's just a line he is feeding you so you'll sleep with with him when the other girl is not available.

My gut feeling is that you will ignore the advice you have been given here because you just want someone to tell you you were right to break in. But I hope that sooner rather then later you gain the dignity and self respect to walk away from this situation.

iwantmydinner

dundrum1990 wrote: »

Just want to clarify, the apartment was my place too up until recently. We lived together there, he knows I have keys, and I often come over to cook because he just doesn't have the time after work and college. When I visit, which I do every couple of days, I always let myself in. He always knows when I'm coming over, but I never knock.

So while I accept what I did was wrong, and cynical, it was not "creepy". I just needed to know, if we were getting back together, that I wasn't going to be hurt, and yes I came by unannounced for this reason.

I might be explaining the situation in black and white. It would be a lot easier if I could vilify him but I know he has trouble being alone. I was the one who left and ended the relationship, I think he is on the rebound and hasn't been able to handle being lonely, which he has often said he was after we broke up. Although they seem to be dating, I don't want the 'rebound girl' to end what seemed to be a recovery in our relationship...

except they seem to be in a relationship. I need to know what's going on, and where this is going, but so many issues arise and I don't know if they can come to a head unless I explain what I've done, which may make me look like an idiot/ stalker....

Ah OP, come on. You're being played for a fool here. You cook his dinners for him??? He texts you to come over for sex and off you pop... Yet he makes no commitment to you in terms of getting back together, and is in fact going out with another girl?

You're not his mammy, and you're clearly not his girlfriend anymore. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and WALK. AWAY.

Legs.Eleven

You were completely wrong to spy on him and is out and out stalking, in fact. It's absolutely inexcusable. If you were an ex, I'd call the police on you for trespassing. It's an indication of an extremely unhealthy "relationship" and I'd also seek help to find out why you'd go to such extreme measures to check up on him. It's over. Time to move on.

LegacyUser

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

You were completely wrong to spy on him and is out and out stalking, in fact. It's absolutely inexcusable. If you were an ex, I'd call the police on you for trespassing. It's an indication of an extremely unhealthy "relationship" and I'd also seek help to find out why you'd go to such extreme measures to check up on him. It's over. Time to move on.

I don't know if you missed the part where I said we have been sleeping together recently, and where we both admitted we still loved one another last week. It wasn't an extreme measure, I already said I have a key and I always let myself in when he's home, that's the arrangement we have been having as friends.

Merkin wrote: »

I'd also advise that as a matter of priority you go and seek some professional help as you've clearly lost your grip on reality.

The amount of exaggeration in this thread guys....

The situation is I dropped in, as is pretty usual, on my way home from study. The reason I did this is because I had reason to believe the person who said he loved me, and with whom I'd had sex 2 nights previously, was sleeping with someone else. I don't think this is itself "stalker" behaviour. If you think someone is lying to your face, it's normal to seek out the truth.

He is the one who is sleeping with, and apparently dating, some girl while claiming to be in love with me. All I wanted to know was whether my letting myself in would overshadow what he's up to if I confronted this issue, I guess my question is answered

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Ah OP, come on. You're being played for a fool here. You cook his dinners for him???

I'm not some Tammy Wynette, to quote Hillary quoting Tammy. I cook for him sometimes, he fixes my car when it needs something, and minds my dog. I wouldn't read too much into the cooking bit. I only mention it to show that we're still part of each other's lives and I am often around at our old place, which he is fine with.

Big Bag of Chips

So what do you want people to say? Your thread title is "am I wrong for spying on my ex"... Even your use of the word "spying" means you know what you did, more than once, was wrong. But yet you expect everyone to say "Ah, no sure you had your reasons".

Why you are continuing to persist with this relationship I don't know. You both cheated on each other. You had various other issues, so you broke up. He slept with you and told you he loved you, and 2 days later was asking another girl would she mind "sharing" him with you? She knows about you, but "technically" you don't know about her. So he is continuing to lie to you, and yet you seem intent on giving the relationship another go.

Why?

What do you expect will be different?

Do yourself a favour and leave the key behind you the next time you sneak in. Otherwise you are going to be trapped in an ever revolving door with this fella.

username123

OP, self denial is a terrible thing.

There is NO justification for what you did. None.

Let me spell it out for you. You violated his privacy. There is no way any arrangement you have includes a specific clause that allows you to sneak in and spy on him while he is with someone else.

Just because you gave an open door policy does not entitle him to some measure of privacy in HIS OWN HOME!

I might be welcome to walk in the door of my mothers house anytime I like using my own key, but that does not give me the right to stand and eavesdrop on her private conversation with someone else in her own home and not tell her I am there. Seriously, it is wrong.

You are deluded if you think that that kind of behaviour is ok.

The OP isn't going to take our advice here - she's pretty much already shown she is incapable of it, and is going to keep letting herself into his apartment. If she gets caught, any sane person would have the key removed and possibly even contact the Gardaí.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

OP, self denial is a terrible thing.

There is NO justification for what you did. None.

Let me spell it out for you. You violated his privacy. There is no way any arrangement you have includes a specific clause that allows you to sneak in and spy on him while he is with someone else.

Just because you gave an open door policy does not entitle him to some measure of privacy in HIS OWN HOME!

I might be welcome to walk in the door of my mothers house anytime I like using my own key, but that does not give me the right to stand and eavesdrop on her private conversation with someone else in her own home and not tell her I am there. Seriously, it is wrong.

You are deluded if you think that that kind of behaviour is ok.

If someone tells you they love you and you sleep together more than once, it's normal to take the approach that your relationship is back on.

I have already accepted it was wrong to listen, although I think there is some exaggeration here as to how bad it was. If our relationship was effectively back on the tracks, and then I have reason to believe he's lying to my face, I think it's understandable to seek the truth.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

is going to keep letting herself into his apartment.

what???

where are you getting this?

I will continue to stay friends with him, I haven't decided about anything further.

I have no clue why you think I am interested in any more eavesdropping? I will continue to let myself into his apartment and I am sure he will continue to drop into my place, as is normal for us.

Merkin

I don't know if you missed the part where I said we have been sleeping together recently, and where we both admitted we still loved one another last week.

I don't know if you are genuinely that naive as to believe that. If this guy really loved you then he wouldn't be seeing someone else at the same time, it really is as simple as that. If he loved you he'd be making absolutely sure you were exclusive and wouldn't be letting you out of his site.

It wasn't an extreme measure, I already said I have a key and I always let myself in when he's home, that's the arrangement we have been having as friends.

Yes, and if you give someone the key to your apartment you expect them to respect your boundaries. Sneaking about and playing Keyhole Katie wouldn't be viewed as respectful behaviour.

The situation is I dropped in, as is pretty usual, on my way home from study. The reason I did this is because I had reason to believe the person who said he loved me, and with whom I'd had sex 2 nights previously, was sleeping with someone else. I don't think this is itself "stalker" behaviour. If you think someone is lying to your face, it's normal to seek out the truth.

Yes, most people would probably tackle the subject by confronting the person in question and asking for the truth. That is the normal way of going about seeking the truth. Breaking into someone's property unbeknownst to them is not.

He is the one who is sleeping with, and apparently dating, some girl while claiming to be in love with me.

He probably fancied a shag and was willing to say anything in order to get it, sorry.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I don't know if you are genuinely that naive as to believe that. If this guy really loved you then he wouldn't be seeing someone else at the same time

The impression I get is that he's known her for a while. We only started hooking up again last week, after him telling me he missed me for a couple of weeks, and regularly asking me over. Also, I ended it last August, he was upset when it ended. So yes, I do think he still has feelings for me.

[QUOTE=Merkin;87854455 If he loved you he'd be making absolutely sure you were exclusive and wouldn't be letting you out of his site.[/QUOTE]Wouldn't be letting me out of his sight? We have dated for 3 years and we are not teenagers.

Merkin wrote: »

Yes, and if you give someone the key to your apartment you expect them to respect your boundaries. Sneaking about and playing Keyhole Katie wouldn't be viewed as respectful behaviour.

Again, it was wrong, but in response to him lying about things and my suspicion he was seeing someone else, I felt like I had no real choice. People who "cheat" if that's even what it was, tend not to be upfront about it.

Merkin wrote: »

Breaking into someone's property unbeknownst to them is not.

Breaking in? Ok I think I've had enough hyperbole for today. I've already said I was wrong and explained the fact that it is normal for us to let ourselves into one another's places. The only difference is that this time I didn't announce I was coming, which would have been less typical. The wrongness was in listening to their convo, not in opening the door with the key he told me to keep.

Big Bag of Chips

This wasn't a normal "letting yourself in" scenario. This is you going in and not letting him know you'd be there. He had made an excuse to not watch a DVD with you earlier. So he would certainly not have been expecting you to let yourself in.

Dress it up however you like, you were wrong.

And maybe find someone else to fix your car, and mind your pet... He is not the only person in the world who can possibly help you out. You are making excuses to stay in contact.

You're broken up, but continuing to act like a couple. It rarely works. He's keeping you in the sidelines until he finds someone else. And even now that he has found her, he's still keeping you in the sidelines... Just in case.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Dress it up however you like, you were wrong.

In pretty much every post since my OP I have admitted I was wrong.

I am not sure that it was *so wrong* that it overshadows what he has done, if he has done something wrong.

Big Bag of Chips

What does it matter whether what he did was wrong or not. Technically he's single. So, he spun you a line to have sex with you. And then met up with another girl. Not nice for you, but now that you know this, why should it matter who is more wrong? This situation isn't working out so well for you, that's all you need to know.

You say you are going to remain friends with him? Why bother? It is holding you back from moving on. It is turning you into a crazy lady, sneaking in to his apartment and eavesdropping. He might love you. But he doesn't love you enough to want to be with just you.

That's all you need to know. And that should be enough for you to move on. Anything else is just torturing yourself, and prolonging the inevitable.

iwantmydinner

OP, if you didn't want opinions/advice, why did you post asking for opinions/advice?

We're all just being honest with you and responding to the scenario you've presented us with. I'm actually regretting spending time responding.

username123

I dont think there is exaggeration here as to how bad the eavesdropping is. Its very bad. I would probably be considering a restraining order if someone was doing that to me and I found out.

Im sorry you dont see that. I am sorry for you, that you have normalised something very bad to something alright in your mind. Its not alright at all.

Normal would have been to walk right in - not to stand and listen. To do it a second time is even worse. Even to walk away but tell him the next day would have been more normal. But to do it, do it again, and still he doesnt know and you are still wondering if you should confront him or not???

NO!! Just back right off, put him out of your life, and try to connect with people who dont drive you to such weird behaviour.

Cunning Stunt

iwantmydinner wrote: »

OP, if you didn't want opinions/advice, why did you post asking for opinions/advice?

We're all just being honest with you and responding to the scenario you've presented us with. I'm actually regretting spending time responding.

Exactly - OP your question was whether you were wrong for spying and the general consensus is yes, you were. Doesn't matter what he has or has not done - you sneaked into his property and you eavesdropped on his private life and that just screams ''wrong''.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What does it matter whether what he did was wrong or not. Technically he's single. .

Because I don't know whether we're getting back together or not. Since this all happened, I have been basically ignoring him or just exchanging bland texts about work, and have been getting texts and voicemails asking what's wrong and lets do x, y or z after work.

So, he spun you a line to have sex with you.

I know I did something stupid and I know I asked for advice but I'm not stupid. I know the difference between someone wants to be around me and when I'm being used. And with respect, and again although I asked for advice, you can't *possibly* know this, nor is it what I asked. Thanks.

You say you are going to remain friends with him? Why bother?

I love him as a person, he's great. Whether or not we remain lovers is up in the air, staying friends is not up for debate from either of our perspectives.

I am grateful for the advice guys but I didn't come on here asking whether we should stay friends or whether I need psychiatric help OK? Thanks for all the helpful responses, I think we're done.

Merkin

dundrum1990 wrote: »

Breaking in? Ok I think I've had enough hyperbole for today.

There's not a hint of hyperbole in anything I've written. I'm basing my responses on fact. The fact that you trespassed on someone's property and listened into their private conversation without their knowledge. You openly admit this is spying in your thread title so I'm not sure where the hyperbole accusation is coming from at all.

Meauldsegosha

dundrum1990 wrote: »

Because I don't know whether we're getting back together or not. Since this all happened, I have been basically ignoring him or just exchanging bland texts about work, and have been getting texts and voicemails asking what's wrong and lets do x, y or z after work.

I know I did something stupid and I know I asked for advice but I'm not stupid. I know the difference between someone wants to be around me and when I'm being used. And with respect, and again although I asked for advice, you can't *possibly* know this, nor is it what I asked. Thanks.

I love him as a person, he's great. Whether or not we remain lovers is up in the air, staying friends is not up for debate from either of our perspectives.

I am grateful for the advice guys but I didn't come on here asking whether we should stay friends or whether I need psychiatric help OK? Thanks for all the helpful responses, I think we're done.

Why on earth would you want to get back into a relationship with a man you has treated you like dirt, used for sex and gets you to cook for him? I mentioned dignity and self respect in my previous post and it is very obvious now that you need to do a lot of work on yours.

He's not great either as a partner or a friend. I really hope you have another friend who you can talk to about this and hopefully they can make you see what he is really like.

Chara1001

Ok op,
Best of luck with your terrible decision to keep letting yourself in. Hopefully you won't end up in the garda station or in court

Yeah, I have to echo the above.

Ickle Magoo

dundrum1990 wrote: »

I am grateful for the advice guys but I didn't come on here asking whether we should stay friends or whether I need psychiatric help OK? Thanks for all the helpful responses, I think we're done.

Best of luck OP