How long should you stay in a job where you are hated?

LegacyUser

I am in a bad way mentally at the moment and could use some advice. So Im in my current job about 7 years now and although it started off fairly ok, I am now in a situation where only 2 people max in an office plan of 30 actually talk to me. I have battled anxiety and depression in the past and this has rubbed off a bit on my workmates in that I have been moody, unreliable with finishing work and saying stupid things to be funny. As time passed I realise its only half me- a lot of them are just plain nasty people. But now Im in a situation where pretty much everyone gives me a wide berth, be in through reputation or just believing other peoples descriptions of me without having the courage to get to know me themselves, so its a self-perpetuating cycle of me just giving up now and them picking up on that vibe.

Is there any way back from such a mentality? Money wise its good and I have a fairly large loan i cant just walk away from but each day and each week that passes I just feel incredibly isolated and lonely and all the plans that my fellow workers make to socialize Im just excluded from (Ok I have refused them a lot the first year I was there but its always nice to be invited anyway) and this work problem has resulted in me bringing home a lot of my problems which can ruin some weekends and days off. All because I dont fit their stupid shallow stereotypes of what people should be. Im sorry for the long rant I guess Im just wondering do you think theres any way back from this or when bridges are burnt is that it? I would hate to bring my issues into the next job as well..

AnonMouse

Sorry to hear of your situation OP. I know how it feels to be an outcast in the workplace. It is not a nice feeling at all. I was a bit of an outcast as I have a very different way of looking at things/life in general, than most people would. I always felt very misunderstood, even though I got on well with some colleagues.

I would look around for a new job if I were you. That is a lot easier in theory than in practice, but it may be a worth while exercise. No one should have to go into a job every day, that they hate so much. I for one, can't do it.

You mentioned anxiety and depression in your post. It might be an idea to seek professional help for these conditions. They can have detrimental effects on your well being and it is always good to talk to someone anyway.

I wish you well.

thegreatgonzo

It's a horrible situation you are in OP but I wonder if you did leave and started somewhere else would it be different? Some of things you said made it sound like you are partly to blame for this situation. I know you have had difficult times in the past but it isn't acceptable to bring moodiness into work with you. Neither is it acceptable to be unreliable in your work.
You feel left out even though you refused their invitations when they did ask, don't you see why they stopped asking? Can you make some gesture maybe with the 2 people you do get on with to maybe organise I don't know, a bowling night or something?

username123

You have created this situation through your own behaviour OP and unless you address your underlying issues I cant see how it would be different in a new workplace? You acknowledge that you have been moody, unreliable with finishing work, and saying stupid things. Why should they like you? You dont seem to think much of them either:

All because I dont fit their stupid shallow stereotypes of what people should be

How would this change in a new workplace? Do you think it would magically be full of people who see the world the same way you do or who would be wonderfully sympathetic and have lots of empathy for your and your particular set of issues? Course it wouldnt, it would be full of ordinary people who would have much the same reaction to someone who is moody, unreliable and says stupid things as anywhere else.

You cant control the people around you, but you can control your own behaviour (within the limits of how well controlled your mental health issues are). Start engaging, change your behaviour, be nice to people - forget the past, start today as though it was the first day in a new place with new people. No matter what you think of particular individuals, treat them as though you know nothing about them, and just be nice.

Personally I dont go to work to make friends and so long as I get my work done and have a civil relationship with the people around me I am happy, but you seem to want a more sociable experience - well you are the one who has to make that happen. People can change their mind about how they see you. But you have to affect that change.

Merkin

username123 wrote: »

You dont seem to think much of them either

This is what jumped out at me too.

OP if you view your colleagues with such disdain then people are not stupid, they are going to sense that. Also, if you have repeatedly let people down through being unreliable and moody then the problem is with you.

I think it is sound advice to start with a clean slate. Start small, start engaging with people. Have a smile on your face. Be pleasant and helpful and put a bit of effort in to getting on with people, you'll be amazed by how quickly you can turn this around but you do have to put in the leg work yourself. Nobody is going to have a light bulb moment thinking you're a wonderful person unless you show them that you've changed and are willing to meet them halfway.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree that you have created the situation and moving to another job won't make much difference if you don't change in yourself. I was smiling a little reading your post, because I have worked with people like you! People who seem to be miserable for the sake of being miserable. (I understand you struggle/struggled with depression, so I don't mean to be unkind, just giving you the outsiders perspective!) Anyway, others would find themselves avoiding situations with those people. Trying not to spend too long in their company etc... But... The big but.... If they came into work one day, in good form, I don't mean singing songs from musicals and doing backflips or anything, I just mean if they smiled, and seemed happy, and said "hello" or joined in any conversation, then the news of that day would be "So and so is in great form", and people would be happy to speak to them, say hello, etc. And all the moping around is very quickly forgotten about.

In general people just want to get on with their day. It is easier to do that by being pleasant to each other than be moody. There's only so much rejection a person will be willing to take. And if you've made it clear that you don't want to talk to others, or don't want to go out then the obvious thing for people to do is to stop making the effort. Otherwise they are just making eejits of themselves by trying and getting continually shot down.

As already advised, smile at people.. it's simple, but it works. To be honest, even if you are an unreliable worker.. but are a NICE unreliable worker, people are more willing to give you a chance.

Babooshka

lostandconfused wrote: »

I am in a bad way mentally at the moment and could use some advice. ..

Hi, the strongest thing I am getting from your post is this. I wouldn't go making any big changes until you feel stronger in yourself. You need to ask yourself a chicken/egg type question, did the job you're in spiral you into your current mental situation, or do you think no matter what situation you were in, you would feel any better? If you think you can handle the job while you're getting some help for your mental health and be civil and polite to your colleagues and just do your work and get on with it, then I would try do that until after christmas into the new year and see how you're feeling then.

I pretty much work on my own at my job, and I don't rely on my colleagues as friends or socialise with them, although the invites are always there but I generally have my own stuff going on outside work and don't want to see people I work with 8 hours a day outside of it, so on the social front you could just rule it out, and concentrate on your own socialising outside work. It's hard to get past depression sometimes and it makes everything tinted in grey, I have battled myself in the past.

You need to give yourself some breathing space and don't blame yourself for every little thing, life's hard sometimes, just to keep going to work on a day to day basis can seem so boring, repetetive and what's the point that it can be easy to get in a rut. I always tell myself no one hates or loves me enough to care too much, that everyone else is also facing the same struggles as me, and try to just be nice to people and get on with it most times, quietly. If you're kinder to yourself you can be kinder to others, try starting to be nicer to yourself, even just in thought, and you may see a difference. Best of luck. B

LegacyUser

It seems to me like you should look for another job.

Your behaviour in your first year there didn't help matters, but sometimes a person just doesn't fit into the culture of a particular company and they would be better off elsewhere. I have always gotten on well with co-workers in any jobs I had, but have just left a job where I found it impossible to fit in & always felt like an outsider. I just wanted to be able to have the odd chat & pleasantries when I was in work but it was full of cliques and bitter people. Anyway now that I am in another job I know that it was there that was at fault as I am getting on fine with my new co-workers.

If you do move to another job, just think about how you behave & the impression you give to other people when you start.

Semele

I know a girl who acts very like you and in the last year she's become more and more sidelined by everyone in our class. It can be hard to see as I know she has been depressed etc, but she will not accept that she has any responsibility to make things different and just fumes away about how little effort anyone makes with her. She has spent the last year pushing people away and endlessly complaining about her life to anyone who does make an effort- there's no pleasure in her company at all and yet she would rather leave things the way they are than make an effort to seem a bit more approachable and pleasant.

It's not that anyone is unsympathetic but we are all workmates, not friends. None of us have the right, or even the responsibility, to have the kind of honest chat with her she needs to hear. She has to make those changes herself and at the minute she is more invested in feeling superior and resentful than she is in lowering herself to pass the time of day with everyone else. We'd love if she did tbh! Moving is a drastic step, compared with saying hello, having a smile and asking someone how their weekend was...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. I guess I do have to admit that making a bad impression in the first year and then just not caring at this point is going to make other people give me a wide berth. I know deep down that if you give a vibe of not wanting to get to know other people they are not going to respond but I suffer from bad depression (I tried tablets and that didnt suit me at all so now Im seeing a therapist but although she is very good I often feel as if she views depression as a simple choice and all I have to do is talk myself out of it when in reality I often spend days just sitting in my room staring at wall, cant bear to let anyone see me).

In work its almost as if everyone is 100% positive and loves mixing all the time with zero space for personal problems or not liking someones personality. I may be viewing that with distorted eyes but its tough to put on a face every day and pretend you dont have huge emptiness and depression in your life, especially when you hear nothing but "I went drinking last night til 4am we had a great time, then we are going to a concert this weekend" or "we have 15 people over for dinner tonight then we are off to a hotel", while I have nothing to week in week out. I know people say if you are nice then the past may be forgotten but thats not really the case is it, once you are out of the clique you are out forever right? At this moment in time i couldnt say am I depressed because of the job or did the job make me depressed..

username123

It's not true at all that once you are out of the clique you are out forever. People change. People leave the job. New people join the job. The dynamic changes over time.

Of course it's tough to try to be nice to people that you think don't like you, but everybody puts on a "nice" work face, it's just what you do if you want to get along.

Some people are more naturally interested in others, but it's easy to be pleasant and civil, enough so that you don't feel isolated. But it's up to you.

You don't have a choice about suffering with depression, but you do have a choice in how you behave in spite of it. That's where the choice is.

Also, how about getting involved with some sport, gym, groups etc, things that interest you, then you will have things to talk about in work?

ganmo

OP I'd try and convince your bro to move back into the family home and put a portion of his monthly rent towards your loan and you can sweeten the pie by adding some of your money to the repayments.
As other ppl have said while you were duped into signing your name to this loan it is YOURs and you now have the responsibility to see it repaid in full(and quicker the better by the sound of it).
While you might object to paying off a loan that you didn't benefit from it is affecting your future prospects and as such it is your interest to see it cleared.

I'm not sure if you asked the bank this but would they object to adding your brother to the loan and not taking you off, so that his name is connected with it.