Have i missed the boat ?? :(

niamhuss

Hey Guys!!:) Im really hoping to get some good advice from this post, I baaaadly need it
So Im in college at the moment, in a course that is majority girls. This new boy started this year, who i didnt really take any notice of at the start, and never talked to him because the class is so big. However, the more i saw him in class everyday, the more i began to find him attractive. Hes an athlete, goodlooking, popular, and seemed so friendly, constantly chatting to everyone and going round with a smile on his face all the time. Hes a class rep aswell, so hes really making the effort this year.! So....naturallly..i wanted to find out more about him! I still hadnt chatted to him, but i decided to do wat most girls do best.. a bit of facebook creeping;):pac: I found out that we had loads in common...mutual friends, we were both into eating heealthy and going to the gym, we both played music, both fundraised for the same organisation and went to Calcutta, both in the same course.... i began to fancy him even more:( So my housemate found out i liked him, and decided to frape me...she messaged him tellling him that id see him at the ball the thurse nite. i was mortified, esp coz i had to see him the next day in a 4hr long practical. I saw him in the practical, and the girls said he kept staring at me.! I didnt notice, until the end when he was sitting in front of me, turned around and gave me the bigest death stare ever!! he had no expression on his face, so at the time i remember feeling so annoyed at my housemate, because i really wanted to shift him that nite at the ball.
I ended up seeing him at the ball, and he kept looking over at me,and looking away. i really fancied him, so i decided YOLO and walked over to him, pulled him to the side, and apologisedd for the frape, incase he thought i was weird. He was all nice, and laughing away, smiling, and he said he partly guessed it was a frape, and that it was cool,and we shud go for drink some nite to get over it! So i was thinking, never mind SOME nite...i said to him" Sher, well go for a drink now"..he smiled and we walked over to the bar. It was packed, and a few of his friends pulled him away from me to talk with him, but he called my name and was like il b over to you in a sec, all smily! the bar, was too packed, so we decided to sit and wait and then he suggested we go to his room in thr hotel coz there was drink there.
So, as you can imagine, i was DELIGHTED. i new i HAD to shift him tonite, and was so happy that things had turned out like this. We ended up shifting, and sleeping together........ But, im afraid,,,,that could have been the worse thing that ever happened.
I have had terrible luck with boys..and have like NO experience having sex, and am really awkward being close to boys, because i have never really got with anyone!!:( It was SOOO awkward, and bad, he cudnt "get it up", and i clearly hadnt a ****ing clue wat i was doing.. he asked me several times "have i done this before", id say i was probably bad at shifting too We were talking for most of the nite...but he said"i enjoyed our chat"....
So the next morning, he left really early, but was being nice, and taling to me. I asked him...since he was on his fone..and i said it sarcastically "SO, you gonna take my number.." and he just went all quiet and didnt even look at me.
The following week in lecturers, i noticed he KEPT staring at me, even my freinds in the class noticed, and one of them said, i was sitting in front of him, and he kept looking at me, then looking away, then looking again for the whole 2hours! I didnt get to talk to him at all that week, only a brief "hi" passing him with his friends in the corridor. We were off on work experience fot the following 3 weeks, so i knew i wudnt see him for ages. My friends decided to message him on fb, asking him wat the criac was. and she told him that i did actually like him..he messaed back saying That he didnt want to seem like he was coming on to strong or creepy. and that he thought i was th one giving him the cold shoulder.
So she said she thought it woudl b a gud idea for me to message him, so i did, and i said that i was sorry if it seemed like i was ignoring him, that i didnt want to come across like that at all. He didnt message me back. He read the message but didnt message me back....until a MONTH later, when work experience finished.
At this point, after a really stressdul placment, i liked him even more. i thought about him all the time, and i really thought that wen i came back we could talk again, and that he really liked me, coz of all the staring. I got a message saying "Sorry for not replying, yeah alls cool". He asked me about work experience, very brief, one message, and that finished it off with "Gluck".!!! I still really liked him at this stage, thought i still had a chance. I was walking home last tues from college, with a mutual friend, i asked her did she know him, and she was like ooh ya, hes lovely. Actually hes going out with a girl on your class, her name is Katie M.... i nearly DIED. i actually think i felt like throwing up, crying...in those few secs i actually felt my heart stopping inside of me. Since septemeber, i had been thinking about him,finally got with him at the ball, fancied him even more, and then find out that he wasnt even thinking about me!!!! She said he never even mentioned my name to her, and anyone in the class didnt no about us, so he was obvo embarrased. Plus, a few of the boys hes friendly with on our class, dont like me and think im weird coz i threw a can of drink over one of there heads one nite boffore wen i was drunk. And he doesnt like me, coz we dont get on.
Since i found out, i havent been able to think about nything else. IM soo upset over it, esp coz we had so much in common, and i defo ruined it and turned him off me that nite. My friends are saying to get over him, but i CANT. like ive tried, but i see him all the time, the two of them, and i will for the next 2 years, so its not as if i can avoid him, or do the typical "never see him again". I would give anything just to even shift him again, and sort things out...iv never felt so attracted to someone before,!!:( Liek i cant concentrate on anythin else, i think about him all time, and have even cried over it!! I guess i just want to know...do any of ye think he ever actually liked me?? And would i ever have a chance with him again, coz i like him so much?? Or to just learn frm it? (P.S i deleted him as a freind on fb,,,so i cant see pics of him or notifications of him being in a relationship.

Sauve

Mod

Hi Niamhuss,
I have moved your thread to this forum as I think you'll get better responses here.
Best of luck,
Sauve

Taltos

OP - welcome to PI.
Please note per site rules - and forum charter - text speak is strictly prohibited.
If you want to get some useful advice please edit your post, but posting in this manner again will result in your thread being closed at a minimum.

Thanks
Taltos

ladygirl

Firstly i would say that all this fraping is extreemely childish and would be a massive turn off for anyone.. Following on from that having your friends message him is another really bad idea..

Its 2 people not 100 people involved in a relationship.

Sleeping with a guy the first night ye bump into one another is a big No No..

Your just going to have to learn from your mistakes and move on.
He is with someone else now so there is no point wondering what if.

heretochat

I agree with ladygirl that sleeping with him on the first night was a mistake. Certainly not something that I am into doing myself anyway..

I would also agree that you need to learn from this experience and move on..

And showing my age I have no idea what fraping is so won't comment on that aspect...

dellas1979

Lookit, you had a snog/slept with someone you like. It didnt turn into a relationship, so its time to move on.

You didnt do anything wrong (bar all this frapping and messaging by your friends-it is immature-but I know am talking to a young person-learn to not let your friends do your work for you).

Youd also built up a relationship-type scenario in your head, when the signs were all there that he was in fact not thinking like this. And its still there.

Youve always got to go on what you know, not the imagination in your head, and he is with someone else now. Thats the fact. So, you and your friends, leave him alone now.

Smile and maybe keep friendly with him, if thats what you want. All you can do is learn from this and move on. And remember, if a guy genuinely likes you, and freely wants you, they will make it obvious/the effort. No amount of badgering/hope/games/messages or imagination in a persons head can change this.

Merkin

I'd forget about him. He's also seeing someone now so it would be inadviasble to chase after him anymore.

It seemed like you invoked the help/interference of countless people which would be a big turn off for any sane and mature individual.

Your "friend" fraped you and then you got one of your friends to message him asking him what the story was between the two of you? :eek: Where's the mystery or intrigue (or dignity!) in that?

You then went around asking mutual friends about him which will undoubtedly have gotten back to him. I think in future when you like someone don't tell a whole load of people, don't involve other people, don't chase after someone and just get to know them nice and slowly as opposed to tripping over yourself for something to happen.

I'm sorry this hasn't worked out but I do think you can learn from this and basically use it as an example of what NOT to do when you like someone! Don't be too upset, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Dixie Chick

I think, and apologies if this is insulting, but age may be a factor here? Im 31, and reading this sounds like a nightmare but know myself in college when I was 18/19 that the fraping stuff and asking a friend to ask him the situation etc would have been the method of communication

Also, he is the only male in the class, so he really is the only object of desire. Lastly, yes you say you have so much in common but you haven't actually had a relationship with him to determine if that's any kind of glue!!

niamhuss

Thanks for all the replies! I think the overwhelming message is to move one, its going to b tough considereing hes in my class and i see him everyday, but the sad thing about this is that these types of situations constantly happen me, and i never learn from them. Maybe if i had learnt from my last experience, things wouldnt have ended the way they did this time round.:( Also, the whole "staring" thing really upsets me, he did say he finds me attractive, so i suppose the physical attraction will always b der, but i blew my chance so im going to have to live with that and learn.

Merkin

niamhuss wrote: »

the sad thing about this is that these types of situations constantly happen me, and i never learn from them. Maybe if i had learnt from my last experience, things wouldnt have ended the way they did this time round.:(

Maybe or maybe not, I wouldn't go beating myself up about it.

If you do find that a pattern of behaviour has emerged however whereby you involve all in sundry in your latest crush and then chase after them relentlessly then you should absolutely learn from that as it means the common denominator is you and if you think altering your behaviour pattern would help you then do so. It's good to learn from our mistakes.

As for the "staring" - I really wouldn't give that another moment's thought. You seem to be giving this a whole lot of weight when it could mean anything. He may be a daydreamer, he may be angry at the way your friends have been chasing him, he may have a problem with his eyes.....I would just ignore this and not get too upset.

Floppybits

Hey OP, as the others have said move on, you are in college, get out there and enjoy yourself. Also as Merkin above says dont beat yourself up over any of it, it is all part of the learning experience.

One thing that struck in your post was when you went back to his room (I think) and it was awkward and he couldnt get it up and you didnt have a clue what you were doing, well I dont know if its just me but If I was back in a room with a girl and we were going to be getting jiggy jiggy, I would not have a problem getting it up, no matter how awkward things were. Maybe thats just me.

Anyways that is also part of the learning experience and soon I think you will look back on this whole episode and laugh, I know I do when I think about things that happened to me when I was younger. So likes everyone else says move on and have some fun but remember to play safe.

Merkin

Floppybits wrote: »

One thing that struck in your post was when you went back to his room (I think) and it was awkward and he couldnt get it up and you didnt have a clue what you were doing, well I dont know if its just me but If I was back in a room with a girl and we were going to be getting jiggy jiggy, I would not have a problem getting it up, no matter how awkward things were. Maybe thats just me.

I think the OP is a virgin though and that does change the situation significantly.

niamhuss

Well, im not really,,,but any time ive been with someone...its ended up the EXACT same way:(...(which is why im so angry at myself!!)... I need to get over my nerves, and get out their more i tink!!

dellas1979

Floppybits wrote: »

I would not have a problem getting it up, no matter how awkward things were.

ahahahaha not akin to your username then .

Honestly though OP, if this is becoming an issue for you and something that keeps happening (with guys and things) maybe talk to an older relative/friend.

It is very easy to get carried away. But you need to pull yourself back to what you know.

niamhuss

Also...wenever i like someone i tend to really fall for them...even before i get to know them and i always end up scaring them off because of it...i just hope i can learn from it this time round:P

Merkin

niamhuss wrote: »

Well, im not really,,,but any time ive been with someone...its ended up the EXACT same way:(...(which is why im so angry at myself!!)... I need to get over my nerves, and get out their more i tink!!

Well no, I wouldn't say "get out there more" at all tbh, that would be quite damaging for your self esteem.

When you say the same thing happens, are guys unable to get it up when they try? If this is the case, is it because you "clam up" do you think or is there some other reason?

niamhuss

The problem is more me, and *excuse the detail* but being too "tight"...(due to inexperience)...ive never fully went threw with it anytime ive been with someone, because i also have self confidence issues (any problem to add to it haha:L) so im really nervouse around boys.

Merkin

That's what I thought hon. You know you sound like a very sweet girl but definitely one who is trying to run before they can walk!

You're so young and it is no problem being inexperienced or nervous. I was a late starter myself (well 19, but a veritable fossil by today's standards!)and I do think trying to rush into falling into bed with people is part of the problem though - it's like a self fulfilling prophecy for you. You're falling for one guy after another, desperately trying to make them like you (by sleeping with them, you don't need to do this) and because you are so nervous this is then having psychological repercussions which are manifesting themselves in a phsycial sense. There is nothing wrong with you psychically so don't worry about that.

I think in future you need to take things very slowly. If you like a guy, get to know him, date him, enjoy lots of snogging and foreplay while you take things slowly and only when you're really ready and when you trust him, then give sex a go. You'll be so much more relaxed and comfortable with a person by doing this rather than thinking you have to sleep with them only for you to feel disappointed and upset.

Also, are you using protection? Just because full penetration doesn't take place doesn't mean you're not at risk.

niamhuss

Ya i always use protection, very strict about that! Ive gotten to the stage where im seeing so many happy couples, i feel like im missing out! I got bullied in secondary school, by a group of lads, it really affected my self esteem so i guess since then im desperately trying to find someone that will prove all my beliefs about boys wrong! I know i must work on my self confidence, as only then will i be able to attract someone who likes me for me.

Merkin

niamhuss wrote: »

I know i must work on my self confidence, as only then will i be able to attract someone who likes me for me.

That's very insightful of you and also very true. The moment you are happy and confident in yourself then you will be in a position to meet someone lovely. Someone who deserves you! I'd take some time out from dating for now and concentrate on really enjoying time with your friends, pursuing interests and making the most of college.

thegreatgonzo

Don't be so hard on yourself, learning from your mistakes doesn't happen overnight, I've definitely made things hard for myself in the past by repeating stupid behaviour and then being extra hard on myself for not knowing any better.
Try to downgrade this guy as much as you can in your head so he doesn't seem so brilliant to you. From reading this actually he doesn't sound that great at all, sometimes it's easy to get carried away by stuff like having things in common etc. In my class in college we were a class of 43 girls to one lad and the amount of attention he got and the amount of trouble he caused was something to see.
I do think you should slow things down when you next meet someone and don't be so quick to sleep with them. You are putting so much pressure on yourself and there is nothing to be lost by just waiting until it feels right. Don't give much heed to what other people are saying about what they get up to either, most of them are lying anyway!

ivytwine

niamhuss wrote: »

The problem is more me, and *excuse the detail* but being too "tight"...(due to inexperience)...ive never fully went threw with it anytime ive been with someone, because i also have self confidence issues (any problem to add to it haha:L) so im really nervouse around boys.

I could have written your post in first year of college- I would fall WAY too hard, get nervous, things wouldn't happen etc.

You need to examine your own life and past and figure out why this is happening to you.

In my case, I put guys on pedestals- something to do with having an overwhelmingly female environment growing up. I had single-sex education from the age of 7 to 17, my parents separated, Dad wasn't around as much, so on so forth.

For me, the only way I could relax around guys was to see them as actual human beings, not just objects (if that makes any sense). I met guys as friends throughout college, good few were gay so obviously nothing sexual there, and others in clubs and socs that there was no spark or anything with. I worked in a very male environment throughout college and still do. Now I can talk to men!

So if you try and join a few clubs and socs you might meet more guys and feel more at ease at them.

As for the sex, this is why you should lose your virginity to someone you're comfortable with. There's no need to lose it straight away. And I'd recommend breathing exercises and being with someone patient and kind.

It WILL hurt the first time, there's no point in lying to you, but a decent guy should recognise that and be gentle with you.

I don't know if anything of this is relevant to you, but it might be.

And I think (I hope this doesn't sound patronising) as you get a bit older your friends will not interfere, and you will realise that the 'one' does not necessarily exist, and he certainly isn't this silly lad in your class.

Tasden

Op you seem lovely, honestly you sound so sweet. One thing that sprung to mind is that if you put someone up on a pedestal they have no option but to look down on you. No guy is too good for you. And no guy should cause so much stress and worry on your part.

Be happy in your own skin being single and carefree and independent. When I started college I had a partner and a baby and what I would've given (without sounding horrible here!) to be free to soak up every single aspect of college life.

Some posters here commented that sex on the first date or whatever is a big no no etc. I personally don't agree with that. I believe that everyone should do what feels right FOR THEM. If that is the first date or millionth date, its whatever you feel is right. But to me it would seem that you yourself dont feel its right because if it did feel right then it would've went differently. Not the sex alone, just everything. As for him not getting it up- drink will do that. Him having issues and you having insecurities just makes for an awkward experience- we all have them. But the thing is if it happens with someone you know or care about or are even just comfortable with then it doesn't matter. You laugh it off. To me, the fact he asked if you'd done it before, that seems like a ****ty way for him to shift his insecurities onto you. He was having issues and instead of saying "its prob not gonna happen with the drink sorry", he decided to put the blame on you. That alone shows that the issue is with him. Yeah you may not have been ready but he didn't exactly make you feel secure enough to continue did he?

How long has he been seeing this other girl in your class do you know?

The "fraping" and messaging, have a word with your friends and explain that they are ruining your potential relationships by doing this. Once I was dating a guy casually and his friend texted from his phone messing and although it wasn't him I was turned off and annoyed by the childishness, now obviously I let it go because it wasn't his fault but if it had happened again I dont think I would've let it go again- its just too much hassle/drama/ messing for my liking.

I really hope you start to get over this soon and work on your confidence because once you're happy in your own skin a partner will be an addition to your happiness rather than the source of it. Sorry I went on a little bit!