Friend may have been abused

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this as I don't want to break another's confidence.

Basically I guy I've gotten close to recently may have come out and told me that he was sexually abused when he was younger by someone close to him. Without relaying the words he said something one night and I didn't really pick up on it until a few days later and I am afraid to say it to him encase he's not ready to talk about it or encase I read his words wrong in hindsight.

We are both in our mid-twenties and met a few months ago and had what was initially supposed to be a one-night stand. We became extremely close afterwards. The guy has been there for me a lot with especially personal things. I would consider him one of my best friends despite the short time we've known each other and I care deeply about him and his welfare. I know he's had an extremely difficult life and is dealing with a number of issues now. However I feel like this may be the root of a lot of his pain and I would do anything to help him through it. I feel terrible I didn't take the opportunity to talk to him about it at the time but I didn't hear what he was saying until afterwards. I'm scared that I was the first person he tried to open up to about this and that I've let him down.

My concerns are 1) If I was wrong and he was trying to say something else I may really offend his relationship with this person (although there is a lot of bad blood there anyway). 2) Since our relationship has been sexual he may not be completely comfortable talking to me (however I have spoken to him about less traumatic, but deeply and embarrassingly painful things) 3) If I do nothing he will continue to isolate himself and not have the support he needs to deal with his problems (even if I am wrong about the particulars of this)

He finds it difficult to trust people and I want him to know I'm there for him no matter what. I do regret sleeping with him - not because I'm not attracted to him - but because I know he's much more in need of a friend than a sexual partner (he does have other sexual partners but very few close friends). I have so much admiration for this person - he's one of the sweetest and strongest people I know and I'd do anything for him - I just regret that I may not be able to help him as I completely blanked when he (very strongly) hinted at this.

Please don't suggest telling him to get counselling as he is trying that route but he's mentioned he's afraid to confide in his counselor as it may open a can of worms.

Even if it's not this I know he is dealing with a lot - and there's a lot there he's afraid to say and is avoiding addressing. I don't want to push him but I wish I knew how to give him proper support.

If anyone has dealt with a similar issue advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not going to act rashly on anything I just can't talk to friends about this for obvious reasons and wanted to get a few feelers.

Thanks.

Merkin

If you're as close to this person as you say then why don't you simply ask him out straight? Right now it is all conjecture on your part. Next time you've got some alone time with him say that you've been thinking a lot about something he mentioned in passing last time you spoke and you'd like to ask him a little bit more/would like some clarification on what was mentioned.

That way you can a. get your facts straight and b. establish if he actually wants "help" from you. This will probably be a very raw and painful topic for him so you don't necessarily need to do anything bar listen to him and support him

Pawwed Rig

First of all I admire the care and concern you are showing for this guy. From your post it looks like you care for him deeply and believe me when I tell you, if he has issues that need addressing, having a willing ear is a benefit that cannot be under estimated.

You mention counselling. It should be born in mind that were he to discuss with the counsellor that he has been abused the counsellor is obligated to report in to the Gardai. He would have been made aware of this in his first session and may not want to go down that road thereby leaving him unable to discuss it with them.

My advice is to bide your time. You obviously have a close relationship with this guy. At some point you will be having another serious heart to heart conversation where you can push the issue a bit further. Be aware of any reluctance he may have to discuss it but ensure he knows he can trust you and that you are on his side.
Other than that, as I have said, you seem to be doing everything right. Good friends can be a rare commodity sometimes.

Mayboy

The best you can do, as someone who has survived sexual abuse is to say very clearly that you have concerns that something may have happened to him. You can say that difficulties do happen to nearly everybody and it is how we deal with them that can make a real difference. You can say that you will be there no matter what.

Remember: He will remember what you say even if he denies anything happened or gets angry/ brushes it off - you have left a door open and a conversation started. If nothing happened thats fine too.

It takes a LONG time to unearth the story of abuse, in my case it took 20 years before I was able to deal with it, open up that box and understand. Take it super slow and encourage him to feel the feelings that come up. I went for counselling but I found a psychotherapist who was the best. Take care - you sound like a super friend.

Wednesday Addams

Don't make any assumptions about what happened to him. That isn't the right way to approach it, just tell him that you've picked up that there's something bothering him and that you're there if he needs or wants to talk about it. The worst thing you could do right now is push him.

LegacyUser

I'm the OP and I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree with all of you to some extent.

I didn't know about the duty to report with counselors - that would make a lot of sense in this situation if I am correct - thanks for that. Mayboy in particular thanks - I think you're right about things taking time. If we do end up talking about it - I think what you said about difficulties happening to everybody and us all having to deal with them in different ways makes a lot of sense. This guy prides himself on being strong and he really is so I think that's something he'd connect to.

I'm not going to specifically mention sexual abuse I don't think as I don't want him to feel cornered if that is the case or if it is not - I don't want him to feel that whatever is upsetting him is somewhat belittled or less serious because I did jump to that conclusion. Does that make sense? I'm thinking of just saying I felt he was trying to tell me something on that night in "pub X" and I feel like I may have brushed him off but I am concerned since. (just to clarify we meet and had 2 pints that night it wasn't a "drunken" conversation)

dipdip

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

You mention counselling. It should be born in mind that were he to discuss with the counsellor that he has been abused the counsellor is obligated to report in to the Gardai.

This is completely untrue.

strandroad

OP1211 wrote: »

I'm thinking of just saying I felt he was trying to tell me something on that night in "pub X" and I feel like I may have brushed him off but I am concerned since.

Sounds perfect,
You're a good friend BTW!

dipdip

OP1211 wrote: »

I didn't know about the duty to report with counselors - that would make a lot of sense in this situation if I am correct - thanks for that.

Unless your friend is under 18, which he is not, there is no such obligation at work.

lovelyjubbly

dipdip wrote: »

Unless your friend is under 18, which he is not, there is no such obligation at work.

There is if the perpetrater has access to under 18s

dipdip

lovelyjubbly wrote: »

There is if the perpetrater has access to under 18s

No counsellor is going to go to the police about a client's abuse unless the client names the abuser and gives details that imply that they are an active risk.

I know a half dozen people who have been through abuse, and going to a counsellor about it has never meant the commencement of legal proceedings.

lovelyjubbly

dipdip wrote: »

No counsellor is going to go to the police about a client's abuse unless the client names the abuser and gives details that imply that they are an active risk.

I know a half dozen people who have been through abuse, and going to a counsellor about it has never meant the commencement of legal proceedings.

The counsellor should make it very clear that they are legally bound to report to the Guards incidences of abuse if a minor is at risk. A good counsellor will do this with the person's agreement.

If they don't give a name then it makes it difficult of course. The legislation has changed around this recently but I think its covered under Children First Guidelines.

Mayboy

OP1211 wrote: »

I'm the OP and I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree with all of you to some extent.

I didn't know about the duty to report with counselors - that would make a lot of sense in this situation if I am correct - thanks for that. Mayboy in particular thanks - I think you're right about things taking time. If we do end up talking about it - I think what you said about difficulties happening to everybody and us all having to deal with them in different ways makes a lot of sense. This guy prides himself on being strong and he really is so I think that's something he'd connect to.

I'm not going to specifically mention sexual abuse I don't think as I don't want him to feel cornered if that is the case or if it is not - I don't want him to feel that whatever is upsetting him is somewhat belittled or less serious because I did jump to that conclusion. Does that make sense? I'm thinking of just saying I felt he was trying to tell me something on that night in "pub X" and I feel like I may have brushed him off but I am concerned since. (just to clarify we meet and had 2 pints that night it wasn't a "drunken" conversation)

I think your approach is spot on - if, when you are doing this, you can just stay with the feelings if they come up it is great. Even if he is a hysterical mess.... just wait - let it come up and let him say what is hurting. Bear in mind in the beginning the feelings may come all at one or he may just see that it is safe to talk and let them out. It would be great obviously if this was not the issue at all but if it is at least you have an approach. I think you are a great mate and you sense something and tuned in - at least if he wants to open up he can.

Take care.

FizzleSticks

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