Adjusting to 'New Life'

tempnam

WARNING - Long whinge & rant ahead!

We had our first baby this summer and everything has been going well. I had a couple of weeks off after the baby was born and then I went back to work. My O/H is still on maternity leave.

My job was close to home, so I didn't have to leave the house too early in the mornings - say around 8:30; and I was generally home before 5:30 in the evenings. On Fridays we finished an hour earlier too; and I would even pop home at lunch time some days, so I got to spend lots of quality time with my family.

Anyway, I was made redundant in October, and I was out of work for a month. during this time I was obviously home each day, and I became so much more attached to my daughter, and I feel she has become even more attached to me. Just seeing that little smile of hers would melt your heart.... It's like the feeling of falling in love!

Anyway, (like most couples) we couldn't afford for me not to work, and I was going for interviews & looking at various options during my time out of work.

I just started a new job recently. The hours are longer and it's further away from home. So I'm leaving the house before the baby is awake in the mornings, and then not getting home until about 7pm. The first few days were like torture! I missed her so much that when I arrived home the first evening I broke down as soon as I saw her.

To be honest it hasn't gotten much easier. I'm only getting to spend about 2 - 3 hours with her each evening before she goes to sleep.

I'm aware that I did have quite a 'handy number' in my old job and that many people are in a similar situation to me with regards to seeing their kids each evening.

I always thought it would be great to have a 'career' so I had been working in a specific 'professional' sector and studying too in order to help further my career. But the way I feel now I honestly couldn't care less about any career. I was half thinking of packing in this job and finding something - anything - much closer to home... The problem is that there's bills to pay, and I want to be able to give my family a decent life at some stage, so working my way up the ladder will surely pay off at some stage down the road, won't it??

I'm just wondering how other parents cope with these issues as it's really getting to me. I'm so worried that my daughter isn't going to know me and that we won't have any real connection.

Moonbeam

Could you change to a 4 day week?
I went back on a 3 day week after #1 was born and used to bring her to a creche near my office so we had the time on the train together,When #2 was one I left my office job preferring not to pay creche fees and work a bit from home. Parental leave is also an option.

vitani

Honest answer? It's sh**.

I leave the house at 8am and get home after 6. My daughter goes to bed at 7 so I get less than an hour with her in the evening. In the morning, if she's awake, I'm usually rushing around getting ready for work so it's not exactly quality time. I had a couple of weeks off recently and the day before I had to go back to work, I sat down and cried at the thought of leaving her.

What makes it easier is that I'm confident in our bond. In the evening, it's me she turns to when she wants something and it's me who puts her to bed every night. If she's upset at night, I'm there for her.

I'm a single mother and sometimes I feel guilty because I can't give her a stay-at-home mother like I had but I think I'm setting a good example for her by working on a career, like you are. I also think that not working or taking just any old job would make me miserable in the long run. And it sounds to me like you'd be similar enough.

If your OH is still on maternity leave, could she bring baby to meet you for lunch once or twice a week?

Try not to worry about your bond or connection. My dad worked 12 hour days when I was growing up, yet I was a complete and utter daddy's girl. Maybe have some kind of special ritual that's just you and her - a bedtime story or bathtime or something.

Rose35

We drop our little boy at creche around 8am and he doesnt get picked up most days till nearly 6pm, we both work full time and he has been in fulltime creche since he was 6 months old, to be honest I found it very hard but we have adjusted as a family to this routine, we get about an hour in the evenings together before he goes to bed and maybe half hour in morning(rushing around getting ready, packing bag etc), he loves creche and that is what keeps me going, we make the most of it at the weekend, we have a strong bond with our child, its a natural bond that doesnt need to be worked at, thats what i think anyway, he has a safe environment and knows he is very much loved, he will never be short of anything, all of these things are important, i understand its so hard but it does get easier, the kind of love child and parent have is something that doesnt need much work its natural. our little boy is 15 months now, miss him everyday at work, but it gets better.

Neyite

It absolutely sucks. My baby crawled for the first time in creche, took his first steps there, comes home with new words, etc. But he does love it there, waves us off without a care in the world. That makes it easier to bear.

We all leave the house at 8am. Partner does the creche drop off. He picks him up around 5.45, I'm home by about 6.30 or almost 7. Bedtime is at 8. So I get maybe 30 mins in the morning, and just over an hour or so in the evening.

We make sure that weekends are family time to try and compensate. People wonder why they barely see people once they have kids but in my opinion, this is the reason. We barely get to see them otherwise!

I'm just holding out for the Christmas break to get a rest from the rat run that is the weekly norm now and have quality time with the little one.

Boom_Bap

The important thing is to make those few hours a day into quality time spent.

I always see the kids in the morning which is a bit of a whirlwind getting them ready for creche and school. But my job is pretty demanding, and not close to home. Some days I would't see the kids in the evening at all. 2 or 3 days in a row of this can be tough. Then on the 4th day, if I do get home from work at a normal time, I'm normally drained physically and mentally which makes it tough to interact with the kids.

But I've had to give myself a kick, and when I am with them, I encourage myself to make the most of every second. Then at the weekends, I willingly sacrifice anything that I want to do (or used to do), to allow time for my kids.

tempnam

Thanks for all the replies. Is it actually worth it though.... Sacraficing time with family to work.

I do realise that we all need an income to pay bills, mortgage etc. but really - family is the most important thing at the end of the day. Nobody on their deathbed ever regretted not working more!

I'm also studying at the moment, with numerous assignments due throughout the year... So weekends are going to be tied up for me too. I think it's all just getting on top of me.

I'm telling myself though that I'm better off to get college out of the way now, so that at least I'll have all that behind me when she's still only a toddler (and possibly has a brother or sister too!)

Not wanting to offend anyone (and I include myself in this) but are we making the right decisions sacraficing time with family in favour of working long hours?... Will we regret it later in life? You can't turn the clock back...

Bligh

Working long hours when you have a little one is complete Bullshi**t, our wee boy is just 12 days, and am taking leave until Christmas, really lucky I have a job and a very understanding boss that is allowing me take this time off.

however I go back to working 12 to 14 hour days in Jan and am not looking forward to this at all. If I could I would pack it all in to be here fulltime to see the wee guy grow up. But we have a mortgage and bills to pay every month, but by working hard I know he is going to be well provided for and this rewarding to a lesser extent.

So OP I totally feel and understand were your coming from and just know you are not alone missing your wee one while out working.

Neyite

tempnam wrote: »

Not wanting to offend anyone (and I include myself in this) but are we making the right decisions sacraficing time with family in favour of working long hours?... Will we regret it later in life? You can't turn the clock back...

I wonder that too. I was lucky in that I had two stay at home parents, and there was something great in hindsight about coming home from school, stopping off to chat with Dad in the garden about my day, then into the mother for another chat and a snack. I think at least one stay at home parent is of huge benefit, or one parent that has flexible working hours. But thats just my personal opinion.

I think that's the crux of it here. Not many employers are all that flexible. Even with a job you could do remotely or on your own hours, there is a general assumption from some bosses that working from home = dossing.

I too am midway through a qualification, though its slow going when I dont have much time for study. Our loose plan is to have more children, at least one if we can, and by the very fact childcare for two would exceed my take-home pay, I'll maybe get part-time work or be a stay-at-home for a couple of years or so. By that stage I might have completed my qualifications and hopefully that should make up for the CV gap that employers love to jump on with returning to work parents.

LegacyUser

Hi tempnam

I think you are doing the right thing do extra qualifications now when your child is small.
Long term your giving yourself better options and with higher qualifications you should have a higher salary. A higher income is helpful as your child grows up.
Some times as you get to a higher position in work you can have some time off for childhood things.

I know people in your situation and they told me they were glad to get extra qualifications.
For one man it give him a chance to live with his wife in a different part of the country.
Because of his job he can now buy a family home in a nice area.
Another man I know it helped get the knowledge to open his own business which has been going well for the past 10 years plus.

I know that you are finding it hard going at the moment but long term it is for your own and your families good. Just look on it as short time pain for long term gain.

eviltwin

Both my husband and I worked very long hours for the first 11 years of our daughters life, it was tough on all of us, we tried to make the time we spent with her quality time but you're trying to fit in a lot into a few hours and you're all tired so you're not giving your best. We lived for the weekends.

Things changed after I had my second baby who is now 4, it was taken out of our hands, we both lost our jobs and spent the first 6 months at home being full time parents. Eventually he got a full time job and then I got part time work a few months later. Having that time as a stay at home mum convinced me I never wanted to work full time again if I could help it. Money wise we are a lot worse off than we used to be and we can't do things we took for granted like go out for a meal off the cuff or go on two or more holidays a year but we're a lot happier and that is priceless.

I know not everyone can do it or can afford it and you have to do what you have to do and not feel guilty about that but if you can in later years scale back on things its probably best to do it then than now while you're child is still so young and not really aware of it. That doesn't help you feel any better I'm sure though, its a horrible feeling.

wolfpawnat

My partner does insane hours some weeks, others he is off altogether, and he hates it. He went a full working week not seeing his son awake once. Then on the Saturday he felt guilty for catching up on sleep, then studying for the day and not playing with him, it eats at him and I know it.

We are lucky that since I am unemployed at the moment, our son comes home to a warm lunch everyday after school and that my 4 month old has her mother caring for her, for so many that is not an option these days. I feel sorry when I hear mothers and fathers upset that they don't have the time they want with their kids. I miss working ALOT but am grateful for this too. I think we often want the option we don't have.

But I've been away from my daughter for a total of 3 hours since she has been born, so I really could not imagine not seeing her little face all day every day, even if the sleep deprivation means I can forget how to spell my name!

MurdyWurdy

Is your wife going to go back to work or is she planning to stay at home?

My husband is lucky in his current job, flexible hours and a short commute. This is about to change as he's moving jobs to one that is a lot further away and with longer hours. He's dreading being away from our son more than he already is. However, his new job pays a good bit more and it means I will be a stay at home mum. Both of us had our mums at home growing up and it's something that is important to us (although I completely understand how both parents working and crèche etc works well for other families and is the best option)

My husband feels a little better that our son will have one of us at home and that he will be working to ensure that can continue. It will still be hard for him because he loves spending time with our boy but I guess it makes him feel slightly better knowing he had one of us all the time. Is that an option for you?

Gael23

Maybe when your partners maternity leave ends one of you should consider staying at home, if its financially possible?
Growing up my mum always worked full time, although it was a regular 9-5:30 day. My dad worked shifts so sometimes he might do 12 hour shifts 3 days a week or other weeks he could have been on nights or the early morning shifts which finished at 2pm.
While there was a decent amount of time when he was home by the time we finished school, it still wasn't easy. My mum always wanted to give up work but it just wasnt possible for financial reasons

tempnam

We would both love if my O/H could give up work altogether. But we went through all our finances the other night, and it's just not possible at the moment.

If we just had my salary we would barely scrape by each month. If there were any unforeseen expenses... Car repair, washing machine / boiler breaks down.... Medical / dental costs etc... we wouldn't have a penny to pay for them! So it would be too risky to go that route.

I'm hoping it's a case of 'short term pain for long term gain' as I'll hopefully have completed my college course in 2 years and will hopefully be earning more so my O/H might be able to give up work as well as me having more options work-wise!

emmabrighton

Thank you so much for giving me this wake up call. I am so resentful of going to work every week day while Mr. Brighton gets to spend all day with our son. Saying that, I leave the house at 5 to 9, am home for an hour at lunch and leave work at 5.30 on the dot.

I have a good qualification and a decent middle income salary but I become the green eyed monster when I see facebook updates from my friend who 1) has her own house 2) is married and 3) gets to work part time because her husband has a really good job.

But, I can't afford to be unemployed right now and I would hate to work on the other side of the city and not just down the road from my son.

KCC

It's hard to get the right balance but as another poster said your child should ultimately benefit from the sacrifices you are making now. I grew up in a low income household and I wouldn't want that for my kids - lack of money is a a struggle. Also my father worked long hours while my mother stayed at home - you know what it never affected my bond with my father because he was (and is) a great one. Quality over quantity and all that. Don't overthink it or you'll be miserable - 2-3 hours a day is great - I only get 1-2 hours with my kids.

tempnam

tempnam wrote: »

I just started a new job recently. The hours are longer and it's further away from home. So I'm leaving the house before the baby is awake in the mornings, and then not getting home until about 7pm. The first few days were like torture! I missed her so much that when I arrived home the first evening I broke down as soon as I saw her.

I guess unless you find a different job it is just something you have to endure.

I myself get up really early for my morning run - and I work - and so I do not get all that much time for my daugther at night / evening. And even when I do - she has had a long day so she is not at her best.

All I can suggest is to make the most of the time you do have - especially weekends - and have no fear about any lack of bonding, connection, or things like that. Because your time with the kid is rare and precious - and because you put effort into making that time memorable - fun - and worthwhile - they start to enjoy and look forward to it every bit as much as you.

In fact I often here the stay at home parent saying things like "How come our kid loves spending time with you more than me when I am the one at home all day doing everything for them and with them!!!".

morebabies

My perspective is a different one to most, I had every intention of returning to work after baby number one, I had a childminder lined up, but as soon as the baby was born the childminder fell through. At the same time I began to realise that I simply couldn't leave my baby and return to anywhere near full time work, the bond I felt just blew me away, it was totally unexpected as I never saw myself as a stay at home mom. I did some very part-time work for a short while until that dried up when the recession came along and since then our family finances have worsened but my husband and I both decided that regardless of the struggle involved it would be better all round for me to stay at home. And I feel fulfilled doing it. Not saying this is what should be done, I'm not self-righteous about it since before having kids I was planning on fitting them round my work, it's just I didn't expect this instinct to stay with them to be so strong.

And fair play to those of you juggling with work and childminders, it must be very difficult. I have 2 kids finishing school at different times and a toddler at home, 2 out of my 3 kids getting hospitalised with severe croup regularly, I honestly don't know how I could fit a job in there anytime soon, or how any employer would accommodate me.

Birdie086

My son is seven,
For the first three and half years I was on my own - working full time in a job that was a mix of evenings days, and my mam took care of my son while I worked. That was some juggling act!!

Made redundant, when he 18 months old, out of work for a year and then got on a fas scheme.

that year off was awesome, and I had a mortgage protection policy plus redunancey money.

The on to the scheme and back to the juggling act, met my partner during this time.

I now have managers positions and am back to working long hours but thankfully no more evenings, and very few weekends.

I am blessed with my childminder, she has four children and the only child she minds is my son and she is extremely flexible - I would be lost without her.

Also my partner and son get on like a house on fire and while he doesnt live with us full time, he is around a lot.

There are still weeks when I find the whole treadmill of leaving the house early and not being back till after seven utterly awful, but such is life.

I am will be marrying my partner next year(my son is more excited that I am!!!) and if there are to be babies in the future one of will have to give up work and stay at home - both middle income not enough to justify creche fees and loss of family time, but my opinion on that might change.


Sorry rambling post but we are on the crux of big changes in this household also, I suppose that's what family life is about!!!

cassid

I job share. I had to as one of mine has a lot of hospital appointments but it gives me time with the family as well. When I am in work, all I think about is picking them up and being with them, if we had the money I would give up but its just not practical

tempnam

Just looking back at some old threads. It's funny to see where your thinking was a few years ago.

Since originally creating this thread a few things have happened.

We had baby No. 2 a couple of years ago.

I quit the 'new job' that I was in when starting this thread after just over a year. I stuck it out for as long as I could but I couldn't handle it too much longer... for a number of reasons.

I've been in a new job since then. Better salary, better environment, but same long hours! My boss is a nice guy with young kids of his own, so he gets it. I'm able to take time out for the important things like doctor's appointments, teacher meetings, School's Christmas play etc..

My wife has been able to give up her job. So at least one of us is at home with the kids all the time. This has actually given us as a family such a boost. I always had my mother at home when I was growing up, but I never fully appreciated it. My wife on the other hand, when she was growing up her parents were rarely home, and she's told me how miserable it would be going home to an empty, cold, dark house on her own after school.

Financially, we're no better off. In fact, we're probably worse off than before. But mentally, we're all much happier for it.

shesty

And that's the important thing.
There was a similar thread around here not long ago about this type of thing.You have baby no.1.You can somehow make it work for a while.And then no.2 arrives-and something has to give.

I'm the mum. I've done the college with a baby thing, the long commutes, the change of job to longer hours and now I am (finally) working nearer home with decent hours and a reasonable employer.

What you experienced first time OP, is what pretty much all working mums experience.There is a lot of debate going on in this country about women in the workplace, childcare costs, paternity leave etc.The fact is that if paternity leave was increased, and more Dads took it up there would be likely to be a slow change in attitude across the board.I am not saying poor me, but it is bloody hard to have to leave your baby to go to work - and yet at the same time, I,my parents and this country have invested years and thousands in my education and training over the years, so I do want to be able to keep a foot in the workplace for that brief time.My parents both worked but one was a teacher so we had he best of both worlds....there was always someone home in the evening and at holidays. We have finally found a balance that really works for our family although it does involve large childcare costs.We are blessed with our childminder and I can now pick the kids up at 4:30 everyday, which is a huge thing.My OH drops them to school in the morning. It also makes a huge, huge difference to have people around you in work who have kids and who get how hard it is, and thankfully I am in an understanding company.It's not that people want 'everything', they just want to have the choice and the flexibility to organise their lives as they need to, because parenting is tough enough as it is.

pwurple

It really shows how much damage commuting does there in the OP! Such a life changer if you can get that. We moved house to be closer to work. And then the bigger difference again when it is gone completely for the stay at home parent.

I can walk to work 2 days a week, 20 mins walk... past the school gates, although I drive or cycle if I want to come home for lunch. the rest of the time I have a longer drive... and i take extra work when it comes up. Tbh, the lack of time sucks big time. I really notice the difference in the children. They are so much grouchier, clingier and worse behaved the days I don’t see much of them.

We try to keep an end goal in sight. We are working towards being able to afford early retirement for at least one of us in 5 to 10 years, and a home office for even less commute.

Financially want to be mortgage free, set up a family business maybe, share the workload on it and involve the children in that work. It means sacrifices now to get there, like staycations instead of holidays, packed sandwiches, lunches etc. Luckily small kids don’t notice that we are effectively broke on 2 decent salaries because of those long term plans! we go out for lunch at a cafe at the weekend with them, and the odd time at night with friends, and find of plenty of freebie things to do like beaches and forests.

Everyone is different though. I mean, I would love the tax system to be set up differently to allow parents more flexibility. Charlie mccreevy really screwed us all over with individualisation.

This sounds terrible too, but you end up getting very precious about the weekends. Grandparents expected us to come out and spend a full day with them every weekend... i knocked that back a bit. I had to say “you are retired, pick a flippen weekday to visit, and maybe come to us!”

shesty

So true Pwurple, weekends are precious!I don't want to see grandparents during the week myself, they each get a turn every other weekend.We had to draw that line, felt mean doing it but at the same time we all have to have our own lives.

I find it so frustrating that there are actually so many things that could be done to help people and make their lives easier....and just give them back TIME......and nobody in politics is either willing or able to do anything about them.Better public transport around cities, better planning of houses and apartments, better regulation of the banks/developers to stop house prices forcing people out further and further, some,sort of childcare provision in schools before and after....it's all so bloody obvious but all they want to do is tinker with social welfare and child benefit rates and take advice from builders (the CIF).And the people who pay for it (in money and time) are us.It's infuriating.
Rant over. 😳

farmchoice

pwurple wrote: »

It really shows how much damage commuting does there in the OP! Such a life changer if you can get that. We moved house to be closer to work. And then the bigger difference again when it is gone completely for the stay at home parent.

I can walk to work 2 days a week, 20 mins walk... past the school gates, although I drive or cycle if I want to come home for lunch. the rest of the time I have a longer drive... and i take extra work when it comes up. Tbh, the lack of time sucks big time. I really notice the difference in the children. They are so much grouchier, clingier and worse behaved the days I don’t see much of them.

We try to keep an end goal in sight. We are working towards being able to afford early retirement for at least one of us in 5 to 10 years, and a home office for even less commute.

Financially want to be mortgage free, set up a family business maybe, share the workload on it and involve the children in that work. It means sacrifices now to get there, like staycations instead of holidays, packed sandwiches, lunches etc. Luckily small kids don’t notice that we are effectively broke on 2 decent salaries because of those long term plans! we go out for lunch at a cafe at the weekend with them, and the odd time at night with friends, and find of plenty of freebie things to do like beaches and forests.

Everyone is different though. I mean, I would love the tax system to be set up differently to allow parents more flexibility. Charlie mccreevy really screwed us all over with individualisation.

This sounds terrible too, but you end up getting very precious about the weekends. Grandparents expected us to come out and spend a full day with them every weekend... i knocked that back a bit. I had to say “you are retired, pick a flippen weekday to visit, and maybe come to us!”

this was where the rot really started to set in.
at the time it was presented as progressive and getting woman into the workforce etc. i was in my early 20's at the time and could not understand why my parents were going up the wall about it, they were both FF supporters and had their family reared but still thought this was a disgrace.

i thought there were being backwards trying to keep woman in the kitchen (the fact that my mother was a full time working professional seemed to escape me). in hindsight they saw the writing on the wall.

every single family i know would love to be able to have one parent stay at home and not just mothers. we were discussing this at the weekend and about 80% of the fathers said they would happily take a career break to stay at home when the kids are little.

but instead of making it possible for parents to look after their children themselves the government tell us they will build more roads for a quicker commute and provide more child care places so someone else can mind our kids for us, and in turn someone else can mind the kids of the people who mind our kids.
more preschool funding for more pre school years after schools programs for the parents who can't get home from work to pick up the kids.

and when someone mentions the insanity of it all we are told its so woman can have careers and not be stuck at home with the kids.

its absoutly no such thing, its so we can all be consumers from the minute we are born to the minute we die.

shesty

I always think it's mad looking at the empty houses in my estate every day that we all are gone out of at least 10 hours of the day just so we can afford to live in said houses.

It's all very wrong.

popa smurf

shesty wrote: »

I always think it's mad looking at the empty houses in my estate every day that we all are gone out of at least 10 hours of the day just so we can afford to live in said houses.

It's all very wrong.

Ya it is mad, life is short and the kids won't be small forever, its a juggling act with work and parenting. The problem is work and the 8 our day, employers are not very flexible because they don't have to be, people stay in jobs for life and afraid to change jobs and afraid to ask for flexibility especially the older generation your kind of seen as lazy or work shy if your not grinding away like everyone else, my plan is when I hit 50 I am going to do 30 hours a week hit 60 do 20 hours a week and 70 do 10 hours a week.

pwurple

farmchoice wrote: »

this was where the rot really started to set in.
at the time it was presented as progressive and getting woman into the workforce etc. i was in my early 20's at the time and could not understand why my parents were going up the wall about it, they were both FF supporters and had their family reared but still thought this was a disgrace.

i thought there were being backwards trying to keep woman in the kitchen (the fact that my mother was a full time working professional seemed to escape me). in hindsight they saw the writing on the wall.

every single family i know would love to be able to have one parent stay at home and not just mothers. we were discussing this at the weekend and about 80% of the fathers said they would happily take a career break to stay at home when the kids are little.

but instead of making it possible for parents to look after their children themselves the government tell us they will build more roads for a quicker commute and provide more child care places so someone else can mind our kids for us, and in turn someone else can mind the kids of the people who mind our kids.
more preschool funding for more pre school years after schools programs for the parents who can't get home from work to pick up the kids.

and when someone mentions the insanity of it all we are told its so woman can have careers and not be stuck at home with the kids.

its absoutly no such thing, its so we can all be consumers from the minute we are born to the minute we die.

Could not have said this better myself.

And it eroded further after that when tax credits for children were taken away, because the non-working didn’t get any benefit from that you see.

It’s brutal, and not just for families, even for couples where one can’t work and the other needs to support them financially for whatever reason.

The real reason that can’t ever roll back now is that the exchequer would take a big hit.