Lagging behind the sexual average

LegacyUser

Well I know this issue is not as important or serious as other issues here but it's something that I suppose frustrates m. Basically i'm 23 years old and have only ever had sex with 2 women. I've been in one long term relationship for 4 years and other than that I've never dated a girl. I've kissed around 30 different girls but I just feel vastly inferior to the average person my age. I recently read a few articles outlining how the average no. of partners for someone my age is 10 people! I know it shouldn't be a numbers game but I can't help feeling inferior. The problem is heightened when every time I go on facebook theres posts about people getting laid after nights out, articles describing how it's the norm for people to get laid often when single. Basically I don't feel part of the hypersexualized society we live in because well, I'm not getting sex! Is this a sign I need to improve with the opposite sex or am I reading too much into it?

Merkin

SexlessLad2013 wrote: »

I know it shouldn't be a numbers game

No it absolutely shouldn't and you sound very immature for someone of 23.

Totting up scores will encourage you to view women as a commodity and every encounter a "notch" as opposed to enjoying the company of the opposite sex. It will also really put girls off if you think all you want them for is to add them to some imaginary score sheet. And what kind of subwitted numpty goes bragging on Facebook about getting laid? (:rolleyes:)....oh that's right, normally post pubescent imbeciles who have to lie about encounters who in actuality have to **** twenty times a day because a member of the opposite sex wouldn't even look at them!

Honestly, it's not a numbers game and putting it about in order to increase your number is not going to do you any favours whatsoever. Aside from that, in my experience, the men who have had tonnes of one-night stands and have never been in a relationship are usually rubbish in bed because their repertoire normally consists of a quick wham-bam (to tot up a number) but leaves them lacking because they have no idea how to please a woman!

It's quality, not quantity. You need to snap out of the mindset you're in.

fillefatale

How ridiculous, a lot of people often lie about how many partners they've had, and there is no 'average' amount of people to have slept with, theres people who have slept with hundreds and others that have only slept with a couple of people in their lifetime and enjoy a healthy sex life.

Also - I wouldn't be posting about my sex life publicly on facebook - if your fb friends are doing this I'd question their motives and highly doubt the truth of it. Most of those drunk hook-ups are usually disappointing anyway, drunken fumbling then passing out - I wouldn't rate my self esteem by that bar, and if one was, I think they'd need to reassess their self-esteem.

blatantrereg

Bragging about sexual encounters is very vulgar. You'd be better off investing self-worth in something meaningful. Promiscuity is not something people should be judged on in a moral sense - but it's definitely preferable to limit the number of different partners you have from a health and safety point of view.

Counting the number of sexual encounters is only a little less silly than counting the number of partners - but you've probably had much more than the average amount of sex, since you've been in a relationship for four years and are 23. So you might feel reassured if you consider that, and feel more able to rise above your silly ideas.

ted1

I know people who have been with about 100 people, but have only had sex about 100 times as they have all being 1 night stands and they have never had a relationship.

Most people who have being in a long term relationship will have a lower tally is scores but probably in the grand scheme of things have a much more active sex life and get it much more frequently .
So forget what articles and others say

Balaclava1991

Here's why you aren't getting laid.
You simply do not have an alpha personality.
Your problem is you don't have confidence, you don't like yourself, you don't feel entitled to have anyone, you are extremely insecure and you are feeling sorry for yourself.
You need to be the direct opposite.

Example:

Before the Tokyo Grand Prix in 1976 the Formula 1 racing driver James Hunt, long blond hair, blue eyed, built like a Greek God, used to hang out in the lobby of the the Tokyo Hilton and greeted air hostesses as they arrived for their 24 hour stop over and invited them up to his suite - none of them ever refused. He often would have sex with dozens of them at once. Before he climbed into the cockpit of his race car he would usually have sex with a young woman minutes before the start of a race and then go and vomit. Another stunt he would pull was to urinate in full view of the crowd which drew whoops and applause. As well as bedding endless women and winning races in which men were frequently burned alive in high speed crashes, he sustained himself on enormous quantities of booze. When his wife Suzy Miller left him for Richard Burton he was delighted. "Fine off you go!" he said. He signed a divorce settlement of $1 million before she married Burton, himself a drunk and a serial shagger, who was gobsmacked.
Hunt had the looks, the charisma, the fearlessness, the recklessness and the macho bravado that attracts women like moths to a candle flame.
Women forgave him for cheating on them because he did not give a flying f*ck and did whatever he wanted to and they came back for more and more and more.
Hunt also risked his life to drag a racing colleague from his burning car.
After winning the Grand Prix he was asked what he would do now he replied: "I shall be getting drunk!"

James Hunt was FUN embodied in one man and he was adored by millions around the world.

Men wanted to be him and women wanted him.

If you even had even a fraction of Hunt's zest for life, you wouldn't have any problems getting sex.

LegacyUser

hi OP just wanted to say that the statistics you read probably arent true anyway, as when surveyed a lot of people will lie about how many people they have slept with, you can never trust statistics. also im sorry but that incredibly long response post was absolutely hilarious! if you take that advise i can guarantee you you will end up alone. women go for confident guys, but absolutely not arrogant. speaking as a 20 something girl myself (that pretty much means that you have to have the confidence to approach her and talk to her, and be comfortable being who you are. thats all) oh, and whatever you do dont tell girls that you have been with a lot of girls before, we prefer to think that we are unique and not one in a long list of others who dont matter. hope this helps!

Penny Tration

I really wouldn't worry too much. I'm nearly 25 and have slept with four people. It's a lot less people than all of my friends, but do I care? No!

Why should numbers matter? What's more important to you - as many sexual partners as you can get, or nice, meaningful sex that you'll remember and enjoy?

If you were in a long term relationship, you have probably had more sex than people you'd know of your age anyway, just with one partner.

Overheal

Those "averages" are inflated by people who have 1 or 2 serious relationships and then that one person who whores themselves out to a new lay every other night and champions the cause of STDs.

I'm a bit baffled that you're upset that you've "never dated" yet had a 4 year relationship.

You're reading too much into it, aside from a 1 nighter I'd rather forget I've had 1 sexual partner for about a year, and kissed 4 total. It's not something I'm depressed about. I'd actually feel more that the 1 partner was worth more than 20 other one night stands, it was certainly a lot more intimate, and educational.

What's the real problem? Is this a quality of life thing? Are you thinking that sex is an accolade or your measure of worth? What is going to make you happy in life? Love? Life? Career? Another 50 notches on your bedpost?

dd972

Most people aren't 'getting it' OP, I think you might have been hoodwinked by reading the sort of data that appears in tabloids and their glossy weekend supplements that contain surveys like ''what's the longest you've been celibate? - 3 months '' - yeah, like f**k ! :pac: 3 shagging years more like !

iusedtoknow

remember that 69% of statistics are made up.

Also...sex really is about quality and not quantity. I have had 3 partners and am 30, none of them better than the woman I've been with for the last 8 years.

Basically, if I had my time over...I'd probably have dropped girl #2 and I'd still be pretty happy. You need to do whatever makes you happy, not what some crappy average or statistics make you think you need.

ivytwine

To be honest whenever I hear someone boasting about their sex life or how many people they've been with, I just think of Jay in the Inbetweeners...

OP, a sign of maturity is to not care about what other people think you should or should be doing, or what they're doing, or who they're doing it with.

I have been single for an absolute age now, and I have little interest in one night stands, if that makes me sad, I honestly don't care if I am or not. I am in the frame to meet someone new, but until it happens, I'm not going to worry about how much sex everyone else is having- they're probably making half of it up anyway.

You need to work on yourself and realise that the opinions of FB mates means jack****. If you meet a nice girl and want to take her home, do it- just don't overthink this stuff. You were in a 4 year relationship so obviously you are not unattractive and you are clearly boyfriend material.

As for articles and surveys- outliers skew the stats completely. If there was one person who slept with 2,000 people (or said they did) that would drag the whole average up.

Merkin

ivytwine wrote: »

To be honest whenever I hear someone boasting about their sex life or how many people they've been with, I just think of Jay in the Inbetweeners...

ROFL, one of my favourite programmes and yes, you're right!

Wait.

People actually boast about having sex on Facebook?!?!?! That seems crude in the extreme and this song comes instantly to mind

[MOD SNIP]

OP, here's the truth - you were in a 4 year relationship. Did you have sex often in said relationship? If so, you can almost be guaranteed that you had far far far far much more sex than anyone who is just having one night stands. And not only that, but you almost certainly had better sex than they would have too.

Don't listen to what people say. The majority of the time that people brag, they often add on at least 10 to that figure. And anyone who talks about their sex lives to one-up someone else is just immature and probably not responsible enough to actually have sex.

D-FENS

Balaclava1991 wrote: »

Here's why you aren't getting laid.
You simply do not have an alpha personality.
Your problem is you don't have confidence, you don't like yourself, you don't feel entitled to have anyone, you are extremely insecure and you are feeling sorry for yourself.
You need to be the direct opposite.

Example:

Before the Tokyo Grand Prix in 1976 the Formula 1 racing driver James Hunt, long blond hair, blue eyed, built like a Greek God, used to hang out in the lobby of the the Tokyo Hilton and greeted air hostesses as they arrived for their 24 hour stop over and invited them up to his suite - none of them ever refused. He often would have sex with dozens of them at once. Before he climbed into the cockpit of his race car he would usually have sex with a young woman minutes before the start of a race and then go and vomit. Another stunt he would pull was to urinate in full view of the crowd which drew whoops and applause. As well as bedding endless women and winning races in which men were frequently burned alive in high speed crashes, he sustained himself on enormous quantities of booze. When his wife Suzy Miller left him for Richard Burton he was delighted. "Fine off you go!" he said. He signed a divorce settlement of $1 million before she married Burton, himself a drunk and a serial shagger, who was gobsmacked.
Hunt had the looks, the charisma, the fearlessness, the recklessness and the macho bravado that attracts women like moths to a candle flame.
Women forgave him for cheating on them because he did not give a flying f*ck and did whatever he wanted to and they came back for more and more and more.
Hunt also risked his life to drag a racing colleague from his burning car.
After winning the Grand Prix he was asked what he would do now he replied: "I shall be getting drunk!"

James Hunt was FUN embodied in one man and he was adored by millions around the world.

Men wanted to be him and women wanted him.

If you even had even a fraction of Hunt's zest for life, you wouldn't have any problems getting sex.

Should the OP be aiming to die of a heart attack at 45 also?

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The Corinthian

SexlessLad2013 wrote: »

Basically i'm 23 years old and have only ever had sex with 2 women. I've been in one long term relationship for 4 years and other than that I've never dated a girl. I've kissed around 30 different girls but I just feel vastly inferior to the average person my age.

Inferior only in your ability to lie, I suspect.

I've seen one or two studies out there and at age 23 two would most likely be the average number of partners people have - especially if they've been in a monogamous relationship since age 19. Additionally, young men will tend to often lie, giving a higher number and young women will tend to lie, giving a lower number - so I wouldn't believe everything I read on Facebook, were I you.

So relax, you're average.

dorkacle

The average is 10? Sorry, i don't know where you got that figure, but if they are polling young men to gage how many women they've slept with you can bet you are gonna get some exaggerated numbers! :rolleyes:

Regardless of what your mates say down the pub or on Facebook, I sincerely doubt half of it is true. Trust me, I'm a little older than yourself and I wouldn't believe most of it!

And even if it is true, at the end of the day nobody really cares how many people you have slept with, yea there might be a bit of banter with friends about it, but your private life is yours and any real friends should respect that.

EDIT: I am more than happy to admit I haven't slept with 10 people, far from it in fact!

LegacyUser

Not going to be popular for this but a lot of people would have empathy for what you are feeling. A lot of people go through a period of feeling like they haven't 'hit the average'. Often, it's not simply about the numbers themselves, but an actual gut feeling that won't go away as to what they want. Yes, it's a social construct, but that doesn't mean its not real. Personally, I had slept with only 4 or 5 women before I met a girlfriend about 5 years ago, and she was literally the woman of my dreams, yet, this niggling feeling would not leave me, this inherent desire to play the field, be young and free, and get it all out of my system. It tortured me, even though I hated the desire itself, eventually it led to a breakup and a lot of heartbreak as I truly loved this girl, yet this crazy sexual passenger just wanted out. I ended up sleeping around a lot, and now, six years later, I've met someone new, who has became my new 'everything' for want of a better term, and all those demons of wanting to be free, and single, have since disappeared. It seemed like a curse at the time, but those interim years that allowed me to just be single were invaluable. I met some great people, I never felt restricted or under a self imposed yolk, and ultimately, I accredit those few years of generally meaningless sex and single time as the very reason that I can settle down today with the girl of my dreams and be exclusively happy with just her. Again, it won't be a popular opinion, but it's coming from a guy that found himself in a similar situation, and I for one found peace by giving into that inner desire and spending a few years just enjoying life as a singleton, before settling down.

It's not for everyone, but it certainly works for some, that's all I'll say as my opinion. I wouldn't normally bother replying to PI issues, but this struck a cord with me. People will tell you that you're thinking illogically, acting crazy, and with all due respect to those people - they're absolutely right, yet, at the same time, not recognising a very valid feeling that's a fundamental part of human nature for a lot of people (though, admittedly, not all).

Good luck to you sir.