Just ready to get back in the game, but bad timing.....

LegacyUser

Unreg'd for this one guys.
This is long and I apologise, but you probably need some background. Not sure what I'm trying to achieve here, but haven't spoken to anyone about this and maybe getting it off my chest will help.
I posted on here awhile back about break up from a long term relationship. Basically after a year I still wasn't over a breakup. Was with the girl for over 5 years, was in love but it just didn't work out..... Again it helped getting it off my chest.
I knew I just needed time, and that is what it took, only now (over 2 years after the break up) do I really feel 'over' it, an even at that I still sometimes think about it tbh...
Anyways, I've largely kept to myself in terms of meeting new girls. I've been out with friends(blokes and girls), and chatted to other girls but haven't been particularly interested in 'getting with them'. To be very honest I'm not the most confident guy in the world anyway...
In this time I've kissed 2 girls, one of which is in my class in college, who I’ve also slept with twice. This was about a year ago when we slept together.
She is really sound, I get on so well with her, she is pretty, intelligent and she is really my type of girl. I knew she was really in to me too (before we ever kissed or slept together) and we just seemed to gravitate towards each other all the time tbh....
When I became single I knew she was interested in trying a relationship with me, but I was still in a crappy place over my last relationship. I didn't want to be single to be a 'slut' (I'm not really into that), I was just weary and not ready for a new relationship personally. I was very honest and I told her this. I know she was disappointed, but she was very understanding too.
About 6 months ago she got in a relationship with some guy; I don't know him he's from another part of the country. I of course was a little disappointed when I heard, but I know I had my chance, and could not expect her to wait for me forever either. We're still friends, get on great, less flirty obviously, I respect she has a bf now. In this time I have also started to feel that I am ready to start seeing other people, open up and be more intimate should the opportunity arise... It is not because she is now with someone I assure you.
Only here's the thing, last time we were out we ended up in my house afterwards with a couple of friends who all ended up staying over. We ended up having a proper chat together (as we always do). Basically she asked about 'us', I said well you have a bf now. She said there is this thing between us though, which I agreed and there definitely is.
I felt the need to apologise about essentially rejecting her, when I wasn't ready for a relationship. She then told me that she loves me, it wrecks her head, but she loves her current BF too. I have to admit it seems like they have a good relationship. I said I care for her a lot, but I don't expect her to change her relationship just for me.
But this is exactly the opposite of what I thought to be honest; I really wish I said something else.... But I just wouldn't do something like that knowing she is in a relationship.
We had all the opportunity for 'something' to happen, as she was staying the night in mine. As much as I wanted to, I didn't make the move out of respect for her BF (even though I don't know him or care about him to be very honest) and, except for a long hug she didn't either, which makes me respect her even more.
I kind of wish she didn't tell me she loves me and there is this thing between us, even though I agree, because now all I can think of is her, and when I see her I'm thinking I wish she was single.... It is worse because I know 100% know she is into me...
We see each other every day and are still close friends.... Is it just too little too late on my part then? Why did she tell me this? Drunken talk which she regrets now??
I think it is soo typical I find myself in this position having being emotionally screwed for the last 2+ years.....
I know I should just let her be, and see what happens in the future.... But frankly I don't want to…
Thanks for reading guys, hope I haven’t overly bored you. I would appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

CaraMay

Arrange to meet her again. Tell her you want a relationship with her but only when she has finished with her bf and then step back and see if she finishes with him. If so, grab the opportunity and give the relationship a go, if not then you are no worse off.

Merkin

I agree. Tell her candidly how you feel (and only if you truly mean it and not because you think you missed the boat). Then keep your distance and give her the space to sort things out.Hope things work out for you!

Typer Monkey

I agree that you need to tell her that you want to persue a relationship with her and leave the ball in her court. It sounds like she was honest with you during your chat but you weren't honest with her. You told her you didn't want her to end her relationship for you. That's the information she working off now and it's not how you really feel.

If she decides to stay with her current boyfriend then you're no worse off than you are now but at least you'll know you gave it your best shot.

Periwinkle!

Arrange to meet her when ye are both sober and have the conversation again but this time tell her your true feelings. If she wants to be in a relationship with you she will break up with her boyfriend. If she chooses to stay with him move. Don't let it set you back and enjoy getting back into dating.

AnonMouse

I have to say, you sound like an absolute gentleman. She sounds like a great girl as well. The fact that ye managed to keep your hands off each other during that 'chat' ye had in your place after the night out, speaks volumes for your respect for each other and her present boyfriend. Also, you know you can trust each other.

Mutual respect is a great foundation for a relationship, so I would definitely tell her your true feelings for her and see what happens. You owe it to yourself to give it a shot.

I hope it works out

LegacyUser

Hey Guys, OP here.

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate it.

You's are right, I suppose I just didn't think that by not being honest I wasn't showing her my true feelings and giving her the full picture.

I guess I just felt a bit guilty saying something like that knowing she has a BF.

I know I have no responsibility for that guy, but I still wouldn't go out actively looking to break them up...

I know she has had some ****ty relationships in the past too, which is why I didn't want to come marching in a ruining this on her as well, because she honestly does seem happy in it.

I will try speak with her on her own at some point this week if the opportunity comes up. I'm not going to give her an ultimatum, just let her know where I stand I suppose.


And thanks AnonMouse, I dunno if I'd call myself a gentleman, but I appreciate the compliment

Being very honest, it took a lot of will power to keep our hands of each other!

Meauldsegosha

AnonMouse wrote: »

I have to say, you sound like an absolute gentleman. She sounds like a great girl as well. The fact that ye managed to keep your hands off each other during that 'chat' ye had in your place after the night out, speaks volumes for your respect for each other and her present boyfriend. Also, you know you can trust each other.

Mutual respect is a great foundation for a relationship, so I would definitely tell her your true feelings for her and see what happens. You owe it to yourself to give it a shot.

I hope it works out

I have to disagree. This woman did not show her current boyfriend any respect, she told another man she loves him and that there is a "thing" between them. If the OP wants to pursue something with her he should go into it without the rose-tinted glasses of mutual respect and trust. If this woman can disrespect and break her current boyfriends trust, she can do it to the OP.

AnonMouse

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I have to disagree. This woman did not show her current boyfriend any respect, she told another man she loves him and that there is a "thing" between them. If the OP wants to pursue something with her he should go into it without the rose-tinted glasses of mutual respect and trust. If this woman can disrespect and break her current boyfriends trust, she can do it to the OP.

I see where you're coming from and I respect your opinion. I was just expressing my opinion. The best thing about an opinion is that they can't be wrong

LegacyUser

Hey Guys, OP here again.

Just thought I'd give you an update on the situation.

So tried to arrange to meet on our own over the last two weeks.

Unfortunately with it coming up to xmas, between family things, assignments submissions and exams - we didn't manage to get some time together, on our own anyways.

Even so, one of the days last week we ended up texting (not ideal I know) and we had a bit of a heart to heart. I said my piece and she basically said if she was single she would be with me in a heart beat. That was it really.

Went in the next day and there was no awkwardness or anything.

Nothing has changed between us since tbh, but I have started just to give her more space and not be so 'pally' and flirty with her.

Is this what I should do? Back off and let her make the next move if she so wishes?

Anyways, even so, it just feels like a weight of my shoulders having explained myself and I appreciate all the comments.

In relation to what Meauldsegosha has said. I very much see your point, but I suppose that is just the decision I and chance I have to take based on what I feel and what I know of her?

I think its easy to be so black and white about these things though, and I know I could possibly suggest similar if I was offering advice to somebody in my position... I guess in practice its just not so simple?

AnonMouse

I stand by my original statement, that you seem to be a gentleman. You're doing right by her and her boyfriend by giving her space and not being so flirty, pally etc.

At least you know where you stand now. That is a lot better than wondering, 10 years down the line, what could have happened.

Merry Christmas

stargazer 68

Weight off Shoulders wrote: »

Even so, one of the days last week we ended up texting (not ideal I know) and we had a bit of a heart to heart. I said my piece and she basically said if she was single she would be with me in a heart beat. That was it really.

You have said your piece OP now back off. Give her time to think about what she wants to do. If she decides to stay with her BF then its time for you to move on. But she needs to decide this on her own with no further communication from you.

Meauldsegosha

Weight off Shoulders wrote: »

Hey Guys, OP here again.

Just thought I'd give you an update on the situation.

So tried to arrange to meet on our own over the last two weeks.

Unfortunately with it coming up to xmas, between family things, assignments submissions and exams - we didn't manage to get some time together, on our own anyways.

Even so, one of the days last week we ended up texting (not ideal I know) and we had a bit of a heart to heart. I said my piece and she basically said if she was single she would be with me in a heart beat. That was it really.

Went in the next day and there was no awkwardness or anything.

Nothing has changed between us since tbh, but I have started just to give her more space and not be so 'pally' and flirty with her.

Is this what I should do? Back off and let her make the next move if she so wishes?

Anyways, even so, it just feels like a weight of my shoulders having explained myself and I appreciate all the comments.

In relation to what Meauldsegosha has said. I very much see your point, but I suppose that is just the decision I and chance I have to take based on what I feel and what I know of her?

I think its easy to be so black and white about these things though, and I know I could possibly suggest similar if I was offering advice to somebody in my position... I guess in practice its just not so simple?

Hi OP,

My post was wasn't so much aimed at you but the poster who was talking about respect and solid foundations. As you say things are not always black and white, in situations like this emotions can often cloud our judgement. You have made the decision now to give her space and hopefully she will find the courage to make a decision one way or another.

At the moment your heart obviously belongs to this girl but don't wait around forever you come across as a nice chap. It would be a shame to waste that.

Best of luck:)