Abortion years ago regret now

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm not sure if I am in the right forum here for not, feel free to move it.
Basically, as the title says I had an abortion nearly 10 years ago and I am starting to regret it a lot lately. I was 16 at the time, young and STUPID I was on the pill but clearly didn’t use it properly. I had an on/ off boyfriend at the time young himself 19. We were off when I found out I was pregnant. He didn't really say what he wanted; he wasn't made on the idea by any stretch and was mainly indifferent towards me.

So I booked everything in the UK, he had planned a lads holiday so he couldn’t come with me. I think I called him over 30 times before I went in with no answer so I went ahead with it. It was the loneliest time going back home after and pretending to everyone nothing had happened

I know at the time it was mostly a selfish decision, I knew it was very likely I would end up a single mother and would be luckily to finish school and go to college.
Fast-forward 10 years and I have thought about it a lot over the years and have had numerous fights with the ex. This weekend though I saw him out and ended up having a fight/ bawl I mostly just cried on him. I don't want to make him feel bad and I need to get over this.

I have a fantastic supportive boyfriend now, I told him about the fight he understands, but I am sure there is a limit to his understanding. No one wants there girlfriend being so heated with an ex. I just can’t talk to him about it, he doesn't really want to either which is understandable. In a weird way he is almost 'jealous'(really not the right word) just that I have this 'thing' with an ex which I can’t seem to let go of.

I got a text from the ex the morning after saying he regret so much what he put me though and what it is doing to me now. And he was going to fix it. But he didn’t do it I did and this can’t be fixed. I texted him back saying I was sorry for crying and deleted his number. Haven’t heard anything else since.

Will I ever be able to have children and not mourn for the one I didn’t have? I think this is where a lot of it is coming from now. With my boyfriend children are looking likely in the next 5 years and since the abortion I had convinced myself I wouldn’t have any because I don’t deserve them.

I just don't know how to move on from it? How to suck it up.

Sorry this has ended up being really long

January

Hi OP, I'm going to move your thread to the Personal Issues forum. I think you will get much better answers here.

LovexxLife

Have you tried going to any counseling for some support?

Merkin

Did you ever have counselling after the abortion? You weren't much older than a child yourself you poor thing and it sounds like you never dealt with it properly.Maybe going and seeing a professional to talk this through could really help you and help you move on from it?

I know girls who've had abortions, some seem able to deal with it and view it as a good decision whereas other women can be deeply traumatised.You're not the first and won't be the last to feel like you feel so talking it out could really help you hon.

bp

Go see someone professionally and talk it through with them. You did what was best for you at the time. Would you have been able to give your child the life you would want a child to have? There was no right or wrong decision but you had to do what you felt best.

Talk to the crisis pregnancy agency and they may help you get in touch with the right support network.

Your boyfriend cannot understand what you are feeling as he has never been there but you need to work through that together. He probably finds it hard to see you upset and doesn't know how to help.

CaraMay

I was very sad reading your post. Of course you deserve to have kids and a nice family. You sound like a lovely girl and I think you will love those kids and hug them more that you ever would have due to what you have been through. Please go talk to someone about this. You made your decision at the time but it doesn't have to control the rest of your life. Be happy.

Morag

Yes you can go on to have children and be happy.
Yes you won't ever forget, it does leave a mark on you but it's just part of your life's journey.
I would suggest you got for counseling and talk through it all.
Sometimes what we can't deal with at the time comes back later in life.

Sounds like your ex really let you down, you were very young at the time and it must have been very scary.

I suggest you get in touch with the IFPA and if you don't live near enough to use their services
they can refer you on to someone nearer to you.

http://www.ifpa.ie/Pregnancy-Counselling/Post-Abortion-Counselling

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. I just never really thought counseling would work before. But I think I will book an appointment and see how it goes.

I have mostly just ran away from it. Moved away from home at 18 for college, then working and travelling so haven't really confronted this for a long time.

Big Bag of Chips

You and your bf at the time were young. Not mature enough to handle an unplanned pregnancy, and obviously not able to handle the enormity of having an abortion. At the time, you made a decision, based on what you felt was the right thing at that time. A 16 year old girl is an entire lifetime away from a 26 year old woman.

You have to try move past the "wrong" that you did, and accept that at that time it was "right" for you. Your ex probably felt very removed from it. A pregnancy goes on inside a woman. From the moment you see the positive test you realise there is something growing inside your body. A man doesn't have that. And quite often it can take much longer for a man to realise the enormity of pregnancy. Maybe when a bump starts showing or the can feel kicking? But again they are detached from it because it is external to them. So while your ex knew what was happening, he was probably better able to remove himself from it, thinking that you were dealing with it.

I definitely think you need to look into counselling of some sort. I know it is 10 years on, but any of the counselling service will still be happy to talk to you and try help you through it.

Below are some links from the Personal Issues Forum Charter. Have a look through, and contact whoever you feel comfortable with.

Silverfish wrote: »

Contraception/m.a.p./crises pregnancy

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php

http://www.ifpa.ie/

http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/

http://www.bpas.org/

CaraMay

Silly girlie wrote: »

Thanks for the responses. I just never really thought counseling would work before. But I think I will book an appointment and see how it goes.

I have mostly just ran away from it. Moved away from home at 18 for college, then working and travelling so haven't really confronted this for a long time.

Mind yourself op and best of luck.

ladygirl

Op I definitely recommend counselling.. And again please don't view this as a "wrong" doing,, as a previous poster said - It was the RIGHT decision for you..

You do deserve to have a family and to be happy but first you need to stop punishing yourself for something that you no longer have any control over.

You were a child when you had the abortion and weren't ready for a baby - there is no shame in wanting to better your life before starting a family. I personally think that you made a very smart decision as a 16 year old and commend you for that.

But you cannot punish yourself for it forever and counselling may help you push past this constant cloud hanging over you.

Wishing you all the best OP
xxxx

DazMarz

I can only imagine the feelings you must have at the moment. But you must categorically remember one thing: you made the right decision. You should not burden yourself with guilt. You made an almost impossibly hard decision that most grown and mature women grapple with, but you made it when you were only 16.

While you may feel guilt about it, think about what kind of life you would have had, and ergo the life your child would have had, if you had not made that most difficult decision. While it would not be a terrible life, it would most certainly not be an ideal one either. The life of a young, single mother is not an easy one. You would be incredibly reliant upon your family (assuming they would support you) and your life would never be your own again. You could pretty much forget college or anything. And it's incredible how small-minded some people can be with regards situations like this.

Ultimately, you made a decision that was correct for you. You are still grappling with the psychological scars that remain, and I would urge you to seek counselling. Counsellors are incredible, sympathetic, non-judgemental, understanding people who are also trained and equipped to help you through the most difficult times of your life. It is imperative, especially now that your life is at a huge crossroads, for you to seek the help that you need.

You will probably never forget what happened to your first child. But with help from a professional, you can learn to accept what happened and while the grief may never truly lift, do not allow it to prevent you from becoming a mother in the future. I have seen the joy that children can bring to people's lives and if that is something you want, you should not deny yourself that happiness.

Best of luck.

boomchicawawa

Def agreed with all the advice on counselling, do it now and don't let this affect your relationship with your new man or future children. I think the feelings of abandonment you felt then is manifesting itself now, a young girl having to go through all that trauma on her own and your bf was nowhere to be seen. You have shouldered this by yourself all these years and the cracks are showing. Your bf was only 19, also a very young age, now you both have regrets but perhaps this child was never meant to be, I do feel that children who are meant to be yours will be born as yours and hopefully you will have the child that never was some day. But you need to forgive yourself and your old bf. Maybe something symbolic might help too, release a balloon and release your troubled mind. You deserve happiness, don't beat yourself up, talk it through with a professional. Best of luck xxx

eviltwin

DO go for counselling, I went nearly 3 years after my abortion and it was the best thing I ever did. It made a huge difference. Don't be afraid that you won't be able to conceive, most women do go on to have other babies without any issues. I had a baby a year after the abortion and some days I felt great and others I felt haunted by the what might have beens but counselling is always there and if you ever need to go no matter how much time has passed, you can.

You made the best decision you could at the time, don't look back and judge yourself by the person you are now, age, maturity and hindsight can make us question our choices but you did what you felt was right and you were only a child yourself.

Mayboy

Sweetheart, it's painful for you, try to go and speak to someone and let out the sadness. You did the best you could but it was so hard to make that decision. Look at how much support there is for you here. You can never change what happened but counselling will help with how you process it. Take care.