Depressed GF wants a break, advice?

Indy87

My GF has really low self esteem and she's really anxious and insecure. She does not love herself and she has had a hard life. She was almost raped and she had to have an abortion amongst other things. She didn't want to get into a relationship but then she met me and she felt she could trust me and I have been supportive when she cried and was down. However, all of a sudden she wants to break up because she said that she can't love me properly without loving herself and that's she has been suffering all her life. She feels more insecure and anxious since dating me even though she loves me and doesn't want to break up. She feels breaking up will give her space to heal herself. She also says that she doesn't want to hurt me even though I am strong enough to support her. She is very defensive and sensitive and sees every thing in a negative way.

If I giver her a compliment she will be very suspicious. Another night she thought I had scratches on my chest and she got really upset because I thought she was cheating. When I meet her she seems nervous and on edge and always watching but then asks me if I am nervous even though I am fine. If I am with female friends, she asks me where I am and with who and freaks out. I met a friend of mine last week and she didn't talk to em for a day. She then said she thought I am trying to make her jealous even though that's not true. I was upset because she was giving me the silent treatment and then she freaked out because she thought that I love her more than she loves me because, she said, 'if I trusted you I would love you' and she has also said that she doesn't deserve me; that she is scared because she loves me so much; that she has shown too much of herself; and that if I knew the real her then I wouldn't love her.

We are on a break now and I am waiting for her to be ready to talk. I am respecting her space. She told that I have been the perfect boyfriend.

Anyway, so I didn't hear from her for a week and on Monday night she sent me a message saying we should meet up. Long story short, she tells me that she still feels she has to be on her own. So I send a message back saying I understand and that I'll always be there for her etc. so an hour later she calls me and she is crying and she is telling me that she is so confused because I am the best thing in her life and that she misses me etc.

As it stands, I haven't heard from her for 3 weeks.

What happened here?

Shivers26

That is really complicated.

She sounds really confused and a lot of her insecurities could be from her past traumas. Has she gone to counselling? It could help her a lot, just having someone impartial to air her feelings to. People close to us have too many opinions on what we should do but maybe a professional could help her sort through her feelings.

All you can do is give her some space and try to be a friend to her. Maybe give her a call or text and let her know you are there for her and you hope she is ok.

How are you feeling yourself?

Indy87

Thanks for the reply.

Yeah she's seeing a therapist now.

How do I feel? Well I suppose rationally I think it's better we are apart because she has issues though it's frustrating as well because I know she loves me and I know she misses me but I also respect the fact that she feels messed up.

I do miss her as well and she pulled me close then pushed me away. As I said, she is scared of being close to someone. I've done a lot of reading and now I understand why she is doing certain things but at the start of the break up is was confusing.

I don't think we can be friends because there are feelings involved and I am probably a trigger for some of her issues. Not because of what I have done but because she, I think, has a fear of intimacy and she has been intimate with me.

ShaShaBear

I can understand that she may have been through a lot, but the words she is using to describe things to you and telling you she wants space and then ringing you crying is simply messing with your head.

Verbally attacking you by insisting you are cheating and telling you that she (essentially) neither trusts you or loves you, and then runs a guilt trip by saying she doesn't deserve you?

Also, and I walk on eggshells with this one, it sounds like you are putting the attempted rape and the abortion together, which doesn't really make sense to me. If she wasn't raped, why did she "have to" have an abortion?

The way she puts you down and then puts herself down sounds more like she is terrified you will leave her and is trying to suck you in to feeling sorry for her and thinking you need to stay with her to keep her safe. Hence why this "break" she so desperately needed to "heal" herself is ended twice by her looking to send you more mixed signals.

I'm not saying she doesn't have problems, but she sounds like a girl I know that loved to make up problems to make herself appear damaged to her partners. Think you need to have a talk with her about what she is doing to your head.

Shivers26

Well then maybe you just need to give her some space to work through her issues. If she is not contacting you then maybe all you can do is leave it.

It's good that she is seeing a counsellor. It will be good for her in the long run.

Love and other feelings won't just go away over night so even though you still have feelings for each other, maybe being together isn't the right thing for you just now.

You never know what could happen in the future but for now you need to take care of yourself and start moving on with your life.

Indy87

Thanks for the reply.

Well the rape and the abortion were two separate incidents. I think the abortion episode happened 1.5 years ago and the rape happened when she was much younger. Her parents reaction wasn't a caring one and I think that has been contributing to her trust issues. Sorry if I didn't explain that part well.

I understand what you are saying and make a good point about the mixed signals. I need to think a lot about this thing. I think when she is giving out to me, she is projecting her own anger onto me. I think maybe she might have BPD.

ShaShaBear

Indy87 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

Well the rape and the abortion were two separate incidents. I think the abortion episode happened 1.5 years ago and the rape happened when she was much younger. Her parents reaction wasn't a caring one and I think that has been contributing to her trust issues. Sorry if I didn't explain that part well.

I understand what you are saying and make a good point about the mixed signals. I need to think a lot about this thing. I think when she is giving out to me, she is projecting her own anger onto me. I think maybe she might have BPD.

The important thing you need to remember is that you do not have to shoulder the blame. You are not a "trigger" for her problems and fears. People can be very sympathetic when women behave like this to their men, but if a woman came on her saying her man treated her like that, she'd be asked to dump him immediately for her own mental health.
If she's constantly switching between hurting you with jealous comments and putting herself down, to proclaiming her love, then she will need more than a few therapy sessions. It's very extreme and erratic behaviour that would suggest a mental health condition, or putting it on for extra attention.

The words you use strike me the most, she sounds like she is describing her need to be alone as some sort of poetic and dramatic love story. It strikes familiar because my brother does the exact same thing when he is trying to put family members down (and his mental health is anything but stable).

Indy87

ShaShaBear wrote: »

The important thing you need to remember is that you do not have to shoulder the blame. You are not a "trigger" for her problems and fears. People can be very sympathetic when women behave like this to their men, but if a woman came on her saying her man treated her like that, she'd be asked to dump him immediately for her own mental health.
If she's constantly switching between hurting you with jealous comments and putting herself down, to proclaiming her love, then she will need more than a few therapy sessions. It's very extreme and erratic behaviour that would suggest a mental health condition, or putting it on for extra attention.

The words you use strike me the most, she sounds like she is describing her need to be alone as some sort of poetic and dramatic love story. It strikes familiar because my brother does the exact same thing when he is trying to put family members down (and his mental health is anything but stable).

You are making a lot of sense, so thank you. Yeah she used words like 'suffering' and 'healing myself' when we broke up and in retrospect, I suppose it is a little dramatic.

Her erratic behaviour was a problem. She could be very passive aggressive and if you asked her what was wrong then she would be annoyed. I would then move on the conversation to something else and forget about it but she would be stewing over it.

One night she asked me was I angry with her because I was out with friends and didn't keep Whatsapp her that much because I need a Wi-Fi connection to use. For a good while I had to reassure her but she wouldn't believe and she seemed angry then she started saying how stupid she is and how messed up she is.

The night we broke up came after she was annoyed I met a female friend. As I said in my original post, she gave me the silent treatment and accused me of trying to make her jealous. I was upset about this. She then said she doesn't trust me and because I was upset and because she doesn't trust me, She freaked out and started saying I loved her more than she loved me but in the same night said she didn't deserve me.

I just said not to worry about it because I din't think she was thinking straight.

To be honest, remembering this stuff makes me happy to be single now. I suppose a lot of her behaviour was confusing so that's why I am here, for some perspective

ShaShaBear

Indy87 wrote: »

You are making a lot of sense, so thank you. Yeah she used words like 'suffering' and 'healing myself' when we broke up and in retrospect, I suppose it is a little dramatic.

Her erratic behaviour was a problem. She could be very passive aggressive and if you asked her what was wrong then she would be annoyed. I would then move on the conversation to something else and forget about it but she would be stewing over it.

One night she asked me was I angry with her because I was out with friends and didn't keep Whatsapp her that much because I need a Wi-Fi connection to use. For a good while I had to reassure her but she wouldn't believe and she seemed angry then she started saying how stupid she is and how messed up she is.

The night we broke up came after she was annoyed I met a female friend. As I said in my original post, she gave me the silent treatment and accused me of trying to make her jealous. I was upset about this. She then said she doesn't trust me and because I was upset and because she doesn't trust me, She freaked out and started saying I loved her more than she loved me but in the same night said she didn't deserve me.

I just said not to worry about it because I din't think she was thinking straight.

To be honest, remembering this stuff makes me happy to be single now. I suppose a lot of her behaviour was confusing so that's why I am here, for some perspective

There is absolutely nothing wrong with realising, or feeling, that you are better off. If she truly wants help, she will get it, and if it does help her and its you she seeks out at the end, then grand.

But asking for space and then invading it herself to send you confused messages about her feelings suggests that she is maybe trying to make you feel as though she is some sort of delicate china doll that has been cracked too many times, and that you need to sit about and wait for her to get better and come back to you.

In fact I believe no less than a week ago a male poster here was chastised because he told a girl he was seeing that he needed space, but then whinged about how she couldn't deal with being friends or remaining in contact and she needed him to leave her be. He was called selfish and demanding and this is essentially what your ex is doing.

I'd take a nice breath of that fresh air, remember that you did everything you could and move on

Indy87

Before I put this post up I sent her a text message.

I sent this:

'Hey I know it's been a while. Don't worry, you don't have to respond. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and I hope everything is ok. Take care'.

She replied:

'It has been a while. I think about you too and I miss talking to you... I saw your housemate last week when I was buying a card... anyway, take care!'

I sent a reply:

'Is there any chance of getting back together?'

I got this reply 5 mins ago:

'I love you and I will always think of you with love but it's not what I want right now'.

Ok, so what do you think?

ShaShaBear

Indy87 wrote: »

Before I put this post up I sent her a text message.

I sent this:

'Hey I know it's been a while. Don't worry, you don't have to respond. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and I hope everything is ok. Take care'.

She replied:

'It has been a while. I think about you too and I miss talking to you... I saw your housemate last week when I was buying a card... anyway, take care!'

I sent a reply:

'Is there any chance of getting back together?'

I got this reply 5 mins ago:

'I love you and I will always think of you with love but it's not what I want right now'.

Ok, so what do you think?

I think that's pretty much a gentle and roundabout "no" OP. If she really loved you and always thought of you with love, she'd want to be with you. You can receive therapy while in a relationship, it doesn't require you to be single by any means. In fact, with the issues you describe, couples counselling would have been the best option.

Take it as your closure, and I advise you cut contact. I wouldn't be surprised if you get some drunk calls.

Indy87

Well when we broke up she said that she doesn't love herself and that she can't love me if she doesn't love herself. From what I understand of people like her, it's quite common to push those closest to you away from you because of an intense fear of intimacy and I do believe her when she told me that she has never had a guy like me before. She said a couple of times that she didn't want to break up but felt like she had to so she so she could fix herself. I believe that because yeah, maybe couples counselling could help, but I don't think she's ready for a relationship and being in one just makes her issues worse. She is messed up but on this point, because I know her and not because I am deluding myself, I do believe that she does love me. However, I have also read that people like her, if she has BPD, don't feel emotions like healthy people and so they can move on quickly and people like her even try to control therapy sessions by cancelling them. They always try to maintain a distance.

My last question:

So if you are right, how should I feel? I mean the thought that she was playing me is annoying. If I am right, how should I feel? Is a relationship with someone like that even possible. I suppose the overall question is: why did she behave the way she did.

I would appreciate your insight. Then I feel I can move on

ShaShaBear

Indy87 wrote: »

My last question:

So if you are right, how should I feel? I mean the thought that she was playing me is annoying. If I am right, how should I feel? Is a relationship with someone like that even possible. I suppose the overall question is: why did she behave the way she did.

I would appreciate your insight. Then I feel I can move on

Each individual is different, but I most certainly did not love myself when I met my partner, and had absolutely no problem loving him.
Fact is, if she really and truly loved you and wanted to be with you, she would have fought for it. Instead, she walked. People don't leave their partners to heal and expect them to be waiting when and if they get better. If she wanted to keep you, she'd hold on to you and certainly wouldn't leave.

Sorry, OP but I think you might be clutching at straws here. She wants to be alone, and to be honest if she is that mentally unstable and willing to mess with your head and treat you like that, you're better off alone too.

Indy87

Ok, thanks a lot

Chucky the tree

From the OP it sounds like you've dodged a massive bullet, you should be delighted and I'd make sure not to get back together.

Indy87

Ha thanks Chucky the Tree.

How would you describe her behaviour?!

ShaShaBear

Indy87 wrote: »

Ha thanks Chucky the Tree.

How would you describe her behaviour?!

I think you might be over-obsessing about her behaviour. It cannot be described because we do not know her. She was wrong to treat you like that and the behaviour is indicative of someone that should not be in a relationship. You would do best not to dwell, and definitely not reply to her suggesting what her behaviour might be indicative of and how you could help (which is where I can see this going).

Chucky the tree

Indy87 wrote: »

Ha thanks Chucky the Tree.

How would you describe her behaviour?!

Hard to describe really and hard to figure out what's going on in her head. It sounds like she just doesn't want to out with you anymore - her behaviour while you were going out was off the wall really. That level of insercurity/jealousy would lead me to think she has serious underlying problems. I'd just forget about her and move on.

Indy87

That's a fair point. Well thanks to everyone for your advice. I appreciate it

Wednesday Addams

OP, I have to say something here.

I understand and sympthatise with your position, but I have to say that I feel the reactions by other posters in this thread have been very uncalled for. Describing your depressed girlfriend as a 'china doll' in such a patronising way is not helpful. She is in a bad place, she is struggling and such comments are just nasty.

If she has said she doesn't want to be with you then you have to take her at her word, but in my experience, she could be saying this because she doesn't want to risk any further hurt for either of you. It's very hard to end a relationship for this reason when you still love the person, and it's probably also why she keeps getting back in touch with you and changing her mind about how she feels. I realise she has treated you badly, but OP - if she had a brain tumour that caused her moods to fluctuate, would you talk about her this way then or indeed let others talk about her this way? She has an illness. It's not an 'excuse' for her behaviour, it's a reason.

I hope you can stick around for her as a friend, I would say she needs one.

suicide_circus

Disagree^^^^^ the OP is under no obligation to "stick around as a friend" he has been this girls emotional crutch for long enough and it doesn't seem to have done anyone any good. Time to look after your own head OP, I'd say it's wrecked. Give this girl the break she wants, a permanent one. I've been there son, we get ONE chance at this life, walk out and don't look back. It will get easier woth time I promise.

Wednesday Addams

suicide_circus wrote: »

Disagree^^^^^ the OP is under no obligation to "stick around as a friend"

I hope you never find yourself in need of one then.

suicide_circus

Wednesday Addams wrote: »

I hope you never find yourself in need of one then.

This girl is no friend of the OP! She is an antifriend if you will. The OP has tried his best. She is not his responsibility. You're trying to guilt trip him just like her!

Wednesday Addams

suicide_circus wrote: »

This girl is no friend of the OP! She is an antifriend if you will. The OP has tried his best. She is not his responsibility. You're trying to guilt trip him just like her!

Not at all. He loves her and she is ILL. How does that make her an 'antifriend' exactly?

I'm actually disgusted.

trytilidie

Chucky the tree wrote: »

From the OP it sounds like you've dodged a massive bullet, you should be delighted and I'd make sure not to get back together.

OP are you dating my gf .. damn your story is exactly like mine ... when i say exactly ...I mean the rape too!! Her name doesnt start with F by any chance?

suicide_circus

Wednesday Addams wrote: »

Not at all. He loves her and she is ILL. How does that make her an 'antifriend' exactly?

I'm actually disgusted.

Sounds like he loves her in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way.
She is ill. And his continued presence is exacerbating this and threatening his own well being.

Indy87

I don't love her in a 'stockholm way'. I mean I am sensitive to the fact that she is ill and as I may have said before, I do understand rationally, when I take my feelings away, that the relationship can't work. I do appreciate what you are saying though, Suicide Circus. Thanks to everyone who has replied because you all speak sense. Personally I wouldn't mind being her friend because she is ill but I don't think it will happen because at the moment she seems all over the p;ace

Wednesday Addams

suicide_circus wrote: »

Sounds like he loves her in a Stockholm Syndrome kind of way.
She is ill. And his continued presence is exacerbating this and threatening his own well being.

The OP he cares for her and wants to help her -that's HUMAN. It's a little thing called empathy, which more people could do with having.

Indy87

Wednesday Addams wrote: »

The OP he cares for her and wants to help her -that's HUMAN. It's a little thing called empathy, which more people could do with having.

Well she's a human being and she's suffering. She's a wonderful person and yeah, my head is wrecked from going out with her but I know that that's more the illness and not her

Wednesday Addams

Indy87 wrote: »

Well she's a human being and she's suffering. She's a wonderful person and yeah, my head is wrecked from going out with her but I know that that's more the illness and not her

Fair play to you OP.

If she says she needs space right now, then give it to her. If she comes back to you, then you can decide if you want a relationship again. But in the meantime, don't just walk away and leave her alone when she most likely needs you most - and that doesn't mean you have to be best friends, it just means being understanding about her situation whilst also looking after yourself of course.

Wibbs

Wednesday Addams wrote: »

The OP he cares for her and wants to help her -that's HUMAN. It's a little thing called empathy, which more people could do with having.

Empathy is one thing, but sticking it out with someone who is ill like this is no picnic and can certainly have an impact on those around them. Been there, have the tee shirt. It's great that she is seeking treatment for this, but the OP is not her therapist, nor should he attempt to be. In any event she herself has said that since the relationship she's become more anxious and suspicious, so it seems it's not doing her any good in her current headspace.

As ShaShaBear said earlier she is messing with his head with all this extreme and erratic back and forth insecurity/paranoia. ShaShaBear also noted that if the genders were reversed and it was the bloke that paranoid and emotionally controlling there would likely be a fair bit more of the "get out while the getting is good" type replies. And they would be right.

To be very fair to her, it seems she realises all this and is distancing herself from the OP. If this is a consistent thing and she's not doing the keeping him in the background, leaning on him knowing his feelings then she's showing pretty good insight and selfless thinking which too few do.

Wednesday Addams

Wibbs wrote: »

Empathy is one thing, but sticking it out with someone who is ill like this is no picnic and can certainly have an impact on those around them. Been there, have the tee shirt. .

As have I, on both sides of the coin. And I stick by what I said.

Indy87

Again, thanks for the replies.

I can see both sides. I still care about her and if she needed my help I would give it. However, I do realize that I am not - and cannot be - her therapist.

As for her, will she stay away? It's hard to say because I do know she misses me. I have a blog and when we were together I wrote some things for her and I can see on the statistics page that these pieces are still being read. I do miss her and it's true, I would have to ask myself some had questions if we were to reconcile because I don't think she will get better any time soon.