Can't get over him .... a year on !!!! HELP

losttwenties

So as pathetic as it sounds, after a year I am STILL not over my ex. He broke up with me last September completely out of the blue (and that's not just me being naive and avoiding signs it was genuinely out of no where) and since then I've been trying to piece myself back together again but still don't feel like the old me.

We got on so well and had such an open relationship,we could tell each other anything and he genuinely made me so happy, although I will admit the sex wasn't great!

Anyway he broke up with me saying he didn't have the time in his life for a girlfriend and couldn't give me what i'd want from the relationship and went on to do the whole we'l stay friends speal adding that he really didn't want things to turn awkward. So we continued to text and talk most days until eventually that fizzled out to nothing.

Since then I havn't been seeing anyone and the most action iv got is a cheeky shift here and there.He's single too as far as i can tell. I do see him the odd time as we both commute into the city during the week but its as if we're strangers. A half smile is the best you'd get out of him and if not it's dodging carriages or completely ignoring me, however despite this I still find myself looking around to see if i can see him.

Seriously what is wrong with me ?? I know i should be well over him by now but he is constantly in my head. Although i know it will never happen i find myself wondering if we'l ever get back together in the future or if he ever thinks about me the way I do of him. Complete nonsense I know but i cant help it and it's driving me crazy!! I just want to move on and carry on with my life but i cant , somethings holding me back and i don't know what it is. Even worse the relationship only lasted 5 months so i really have no excuses at all for acting like this!!

Please please please give me any suggestions you have or literally any comments on the situation whether good,,bad or indifferent. I really need to see this through other peoples eyes so any input at all would be much appreciated.

Thanks :)

(Also just to add he was the one who chased me and kept at me about getting into a relationship. The one talking about the future when we we're together as if nothing was wrong which I think is why I'm finding this so difficult , he never mentioned anything about being too busy to see me or anything like that. )

Jordans n Timbs

losttwenties wrote: »

So as pathetic as it sounds, after a year I am STILL not over my ex. He broke up with me last September completely out of the blue (and that's not just me being naive and avoiding signs it was genuinely out of no where) and since then I've been trying to piece myself back together again but still don't feel like the old me.

We got on so well and had such an open relationship,we could tell each other anything and he genuinely made me so happy, although I will admit the sex wasn't great!

Anyway he broke up with me saying he didn't have the time in his life for a girlfriend and couldn't give me what i'd want from the relationship and went on to do the whole we'l stay friends speal adding that he really didn't want things to turn awkward. So we continued to text and talk most days until eventually that fizzled out to nothing.

Since then I havn't been seeing anyone and the most action iv got is a cheeky shift here and there.He's single too as far as i can tell. I do see him the odd time as we both commute into the city during the week but its as if we're strangers. A half smile is the best you'd get out of him and if not it's dodging carriages or completely ignoring me, however despite this I still find myself looking around to see if i can see him.

Seriously what is wrong with me ?? I know i should be well over him by now but he is constantly in my head. Although i know it will never happen i find myself wondering if we'l ever get back together in the future or if he ever thinks about me the way I do of him. Complete nonsense I know but i cant help it and it's driving me crazy!! I just want to move on and carry on with my life but i cant , somethings holding me back and i don't know what it is. Even worse the relationship only lasted 5 months so i really have no excuses at all for acting like this!!

Please please please give me any suggestions you have or literally any comments on the situation whether good,,bad or indifferent. I really need to see this through other peoples eyes so any input at all would be much appreciated.

Thanks :)

(Also just to add he was the one who chased me and kept at me about getting into a relationship. The one talking about the future when we we're together as if nothing was wrong which I think is why I'm finding this so difficult , he never mentioned anything about being too busy to see me or anything like that. )

Sex was probably trash to him too that's why he left

goldenhoarde

Jordans n Timbs wrote: »

Sex was probably trash to him too that's why he left

Not helpful so zip it

December2012

A year is a long time so kudos to you for realising that you want to stop the rot.

Look it sounds to me as if you didn't have the relationship you thought you did. Obviously he was presenting a different truth to you than the one he was feeling. You thought things were good while he didn't, and that's why you feel so blindsided.

You say you were together "only" five months.... Well to me give months is long enough to make a "falling in love" connection so don't feel bad about the effect.

The best way to get over him is to stop seeing him, stop thinking about him. The truth is that even if he is thinking about you (and it's not likely that he's thinking about your relationship the same as you), he is not thinking about you enough to be motivated to do anything about it. He will not be getting in touch with you, he avoids looking at you, he does not want to be your friend.

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

Look up the book "he's just not that into you" if you like reading.

If this is something you need a bit more help with you could talk to a counsellor.

CaraMay

I suspect you is the feeling of bring chased / wanted more than the man himself at this stage. I think it's just mind over matter. Every time you think of him just train your mind to think of something else. Bring a book so you won't be looking out for him on the commute and count your blessings he didn't waste more of your time on a relationship which was going nowhere. On top of that you are lucky to be escaping a possible life of bad sex.

Neyite

Jordans n Timbs wrote: »

Sex was probably trash to him too that's why he left

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that this unhelpful, nonconstructive and barely civil post was a once off. Because posts like these are unacceptable in PI. More posts along this vein will quickly lead to you being banned. Please read the charter before posting again.

goldenhoarde wrote: »

Not helpful so zip it

And that is backseat modding. Report a post instead please. Please read the charter before posting in PI again

Mighty_Mouse

Reading between the lines but it seems that he just wasn't that into you.
Poor sex in a new relationship is a red flag that something is not right.
A relationship doesn't work in one direction. You can't force him to "love" you. The not enough time excuse was said to ease your heart-break.
You love someone who doesn't love you back.

You need to find someone who cares about you as much as you do about him.

losttwenties

Thanks guys your right I'm wasting time holding onto the past when he clearly isn't. He blatantly wants nothing to do with me so why I still pine over him is beyond me ! I can see that this whole situation is ridiculous but i just feel so trapped in it ! I honestly think it's the friendship that we had which I miss most.I mean I clearly don't miss the sex and don't get me wrong if i got the chance of course i'd kiss him but more then that I just miss the chats.Talking with him about absolute nonsense for hours on end or getting his advice on things going on , he really was just a great friend but like yous are saying if he doesn't want to be a part of my life why do i want him to be ?

Anyway my confidence has taken a real blow from all this and even a year on from the break up I still don't feel like the old me. I'm so self conscious, even more so then I was before i met him and I cant help feeling if i wasn't good enough for him how can I possible be good enough for anyone else ? Anyone have any cures as daft as that sounds or suggestions as to how I could get my confidence back ? Any thoughts at all would be much appreciated

shampooman

Hello!

I could have written the same exact thing but in my case I did the dumping Long story that I wont bore you with You need to put yourself out there and meet someone. He is unfortunately ( well maybe not unfortunately) over you so now you got to stop pining over him. You have given him enough thought and head space at this stage so now focus on you. Start exercising, save up and go to Japan or just start putting into situations where you can meet new people. When it comes to the heart there really is no cure, you just have to dust yourself off and make it a mission to shift the next goodlooking lad you see ;D

Single life is fun, take your time and enjoy it. Don't waste it by focusing on the what ifs!

losttwenties

So so true , I'm looking for a quick fix but there really isn't one. He is over me so like you said I shouldn't be wasting my time and driving myself crazy wonder what if. I need to embrace the single life !! :L Mission excepted shampooman !

December2012

Do you have a thing you like to do, or would always have liked to do?

Couch to 5k? Baking? Car maintenance? Learning a language?

A great way to boost your confidence is to find something you love to do and keep doing it.

FLOWERS1

Don't beat yourself up

We all think of our Ex's from time to time and in particular the ones that break up with us, we all try to figure out what went wrong, was it me, we analyse it to bits, it's like they Jed eye mind trick us.
but then we just chalk it down to experience and thinking about them becomes a rarity, I know you don't feel like that now but it will happen!!

Do you have a lot of time on your hands??? your bound to think of him more often and finder it harder to move on if that's the case! so maybe try adding a few more social activities into your evenings and weekends! before you know it your life will have moved on


Hope this helps

Mighty_Mouse

I cant help feeling if i wasn't good enough for him how can I possible be good enough for anyone else ?

Don't take rejection as criticism.
He tried to make it work which means you have all the right ingredients.
In the end it probably didn't manifest into love for him.
It's not his fault, it wasn't yours.

ladygirl

I think you really need to start putting yourself back out there and dating again!! (not just a sneaky shift) You might be suprised The more people you meet might help you to realise that ye were not all that compatible after all..

JaneeMack

I suggest a few courses of psychotherapy to deal with the sadness and anger you might have and where these stem from.

Stop questioning why he broke up with you - he was just not that into you. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or you're not good enough. You were just not meant to be together.

Like the above poster said, go out and put yourself out there. You will soon find a decent man who values you for who you are. You are still young. There's plenty time to go on dates and have fun.

stargazer 68

JaneeMack wrote: »

Like the above poster said, go out and put yourself out there. You will soon find a decent man who values you for who you are. You are still young. There's plenty time to go on dates and have fun.

This! And trust me OP when you do you will be wondering why on earth you wasted a year pining over this guy! Don't let it be longer than a year!

missierex

losttwenties wrote: »

Thanks guys your right I'm wasting time holding onto the past when he clearly isn't. He blatantly wants nothing to do with me so why I still pine over him is beyond me ! I can see that this whole situation is ridiculous but i just feel so trapped in it ! I honestly think it's the friendship that we had which I miss most.I mean I clearly don't miss the sex and don't get me wrong if i got the chance of course i'd kiss him but more then that I just miss the chats.Talking with him about absolute nonsense for hours on end or getting his advice on things going on , he really was just a great friend but like yous are saying if he doesn't want to be a part of my life why do i want him to be ?

Anyway my confidence has taken a real blow from all this and even a year on from the break up I still don't feel like the old me. I'm so self conscious, even more so then I was before i met him and I cant help feeling if i wasn't good enough for him how can I possible be good enough for anyone else ? Anyone have any cures as daft as that sounds or suggestions as to how I could get my confidence back ? Any thoughts at all would be much appreciated

Hey there,

I have to admit I was in exactly the same position as you before. Well, almost the same (i'm a girl, as was my ex).

I was with her for 4/5 months, we had a fantastic connection and I really felt that she was the 'one'. From the get-go we could chat for hours about everything and anything, we had the same love for gigs and music, and our sex life was fantastic. She even told me she couldn't imagine not having me in her life...

Then all of a sudden it was over. She was unwilling to 'give' up her chance to have kids and get married and essentially hopped back in the closet (at least, that's how I viewed it, and still view it. As you can imagine, that hurt a lot. I felt used, and totally baffled as to how she could say and act one way, and then tell me it was over.

Like you, I pined for a long time, even longer than you (so don't feel bad)! It got so bad that I went to counselling which really helped, and I started to focus on having a healthy social life and concentrating on ME. Now, 4 years later I am happy in a new relationship, and we've just moved in together so hang in there, your time will come!

Frank Black

shampooman wrote: »

When it comes to the heart there really is no cure, you just have to dust yourself off and make it a mission to shift the next goodlooking lad you see ;D

Single life is fun, take your time and enjoy it. Don't waste it by focusing on the what ifs!

ladygirl wrote: »

I think you really need to start putting yourself back out there and dating again!! (not just a sneaky shift) You might be suprised The more people you meet might help you to realise that ye were not all that compatible after all..

JaneeMack wrote: »

Like the above poster said, go out and put yourself out there. You will soon find a decent man who values you for who you are. You are still young. There's plenty time to go on dates and have fun.

What everyone is too polite to say, is that you need to go and have really good sex with someone else, you'd be surprised how much that helps with pining for an ex.

FLOWERS1 wrote: »

it's like they Jed eye mind trick us.

And it's Jedi dammit.
Jedi!

Lauzzy22

Out of sight out of mind. Plan a different route to work etc tellin ye now really works.