Can I help her? <Possible commitment phobic>

wAnchorman

I recently went through somewhat of a breakup with a girl recently. We both had chemistry, knew we liked each other but after a few dates she said she couldn't do it and gave me some very poorly constructed excuses. After weeks of not talking, there were days where we respectively got absolutely smashed and decided to pick up the phone. Bad idea obviously, but the hard part was when i did it and put undue pressure on her to make up her mind. She was pissed at me, and today we both decided that there was too much bad feeling surrounding us to start a relationship any more. We also decided to stop talking just to ease off on the feeling. 6 months I've waited to tell this girl how i feel and im thinking ive managed to mess it up totally. People were telling me left right and center, shes a waste, shes not worth your time, etc. I wasn't convinced throughout the time we were going out that she wasn't committing because of exams or that.

Today when i got home i did a lot of what ive been doing recently, which is to browse the internet for answers. I came across an explanation of ''commitment phobia'', whereby a complex develops in someones head and they see every action taken by their partner to be forms of commitment, stuff like setting dates makes them think of families etc and they think theyre gonna lose control of their life, So to regain control they cancel dates and things to show they decide what happens, which happened a lot with this girl. Up until today this girl reassured me that she still feels the same way about me as i do her, and today was when we decided were going our separate ways but I really, really fell for this girl, i am still affectionate about her and in the back of my mind i believe i will never be done with her, even though people with commitment phobia jump to the next person that shows them affection.. What Im wondering is between now or later down the line, should i try to help her with her probable commitment phobia or should i leave it? I've had friends and family scream at me and say for my own sake just leave her alone, but this is less about trying to salvage a relationship and more about now helping someone i care about. Please anyone that knows anything or had experience in dealing with these phobics or were one yourself, please post what you can to help me. Thanks

Esoteric_

There's nothing to salvage, she told you she cares about you but doesn't want to be with you. Sorry, but you need to leave her alone, she's made her decision.

Meauldsegosha

OP to be honest I think you are clutching at straws thinking this woman is a commitment-phobe. Its easy to go on the internet and find a diagnosis to anything. I don't think she is a commitment-phobe I just think she wasn't interested.

What you should look at is your own behaviour. You only had "a few dates" with her and you say "in the back of my mind i believe i will never be done with her". This seems very OTT to me.

Frank Black

She's not a commitment-phobe.
She's just not that into you.
Stop trying to Google-diagnose people with conditions just because they're not interested in going out with you.
Accept it and move on.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe you should try googling obsessives who can't take no for an answer.

Google is great for reading what you want to read. Bottom line here is that she doesn't like you enough. There's a difference between liking someone and liking them enough to go out with.

Neyite

J.P.M wrote: »

Really?

Tldr BS

JPM, welcome to boards, and to PI. Please take a moment to read the charter before posting on this forum again. We dont permit Txtspeak, nor do we permit posts that do not offer civil and constructive advice.

Merkin

wAnchorman wrote: »

Today when i got home i did a lot of what ive been doing recently, which is to browse the internet for answers

I looked up my flu symptoms recently and it came back with Farmer's Lung

Unfortunately you are clutching at straws. She has expressly said that she doesn't want to be with you so I'd take that as your answer rather than convincing yourself she has some psychological condition that is stopping her from being with you. The sooner you come to terms with that then the sooner you can move on.