Communication problems and I am losing my patience

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and myself are from different countries and English is the only common language we share, but English is not our mother tongue. Every thing is going well. He's very loving and considerate. I love him and I am learning to love him more. But there are few things that are bugging me. The main issue is that we have communication problems which I don't know how we can solve this.

Sometimes it's very tiring to listen to him, especially on phone, and he being too talkative is not helping. Sometimes I found him repeating himself a lot, telling me the same stories all the time. And I would stop him by telling him that he mentioned that a few times already (with a smile or touch his face and say it gently), which I don't think it's nice to do but I can't take more. On the other hand, I feel I need to repeat myself sometimes as he does not listen or can't get what I am saying. Recently we watched a movie, we both liked it a lot. I emailed him an article about the movie and he said it was an interesting read but it turned out that he missed the most important point in the article. And I needed to explain what it's about. This happens (explaining, repeating) quite a lot and I feel a bit frustrated and I found that I am losing my patience.

We have already had a few fights because of miscommunications. He always misses something important that I told him and I feel he's not listening. But then he would turn the table around and said that I did not say that. I sometimes wish there was a recorder between us to record every thing we have talked about. The recent one was about a secret I hid from my mam and I planned to tell her later. He knew that. But something happened and I needed to tell her earlier than I planned. I was talking on phone with my mam and sorting that out while he was sitting beside me. After I handed up the phone, I told him about this. But Monday when boyfriend and myself talking on phone, we mentioned about this and he was so surprised my mam knew that! And I was so shocked he was surprised by this! @_@

At the end of the conversation, he was angry and commented that 'I may be absent-minded sometimes but I am not that stupid that I miss important information!'. I don't think he's stupid but he's always not listening / not able to listen and I am frustrated. Ended up I apologised (in anger!) and ended the conversation abruptly. Since then we haven't probably talked.

I don't know how to solve this problem. I think I need to talk with him but I don't know what solutions we can come up with. His English is not very bad and we are connected in high level, and he knows a lot of big words (his language is descended from Latin) which I am amazed as well. I don't want to break up because of this. But I don't know how we can solve this problem. Sometimes I would think whether I love him enough to accept who he is but I have my limitations. I can be very patient at work but I am always not that patient when I am at home with my family or people closer to me. I wanna to be better as well but yea, very difficult.

Please share any of your thoughts and if you have similar experience, please give me some tips.

JaneeMack

Let me ask you some questions. What kind of level of English does he have? Does he understand everything that is spoken at his job and etc? Do you think it is his English problem or he is actually half thinking about something else when you're talking?

English isn't my mother tongue either so I kinda understand what you're saying. I have some close friends whose mother tongue isn't English and even though they have very good English, sometimes we have the same problem. Partly because they are not listening and partly because their English isn't just good enough even though they've lived in English speaking countries over a decade!

Merkin

Sounds to me like his level of English might not be at the level that you think it is. I've got a really native sounding French accent but unfortunately my French is pretty rubbish! Are you sure that perhaps his need to talk/rabbit on and his apparent inability to listen is simply because he's not as proficient as you think? All very well him knowing some big words but if he is missing out on large chunks of information (re the movie for example) then maybe this is something that needs to be considered?

LegacyUser

JaneeMack wrote: »

What kind of level of English does he have? Does he understand everything that is spoken at his job and etc? Do you think it is his English problem or he is actually half thinking about something else when you're talking?

I don't know what kind of level he is at. He does not really need to speak English at work as he works in a team that use his own language. So, basically, he only speaks English with me or when he socialises with people from different countries.

I think it's a problem of both that it's his English problem (mine as well, as I am not native neither but my English is better as I need to use English at work and my education background is different from his etc, so I have my accent and he did once defense that he couldnt hear me clearly which I replied 'If you can't get me, you can ask me again instead of pretending you get what I meant'). But on the other hand, he is not listening always. He's an intelligent man and has lots in mind and when I am talking about something that reminds him of something else, his mind would be gone. Or he would interrupt me in the middle of sentence (yes, sentence!) and tell me his story. I told him that it's rude as I was talking.

JaneeMack wrote: »

All very well him knowing some big words but if he is missing out on large chunks of information (re the movie for example) then maybe this is something that needs to be considered?

Yes, I know he might be at a level that needs extra help, but I am tired sometimes. And it might be offensive to suggest him to go to an English course~!!?! And to be fair, his English is quite good among his people.

That's why I don't know how we can solve this problem. But I don't want to break up because of this because I think it's just a minor problem that's bugging but not biting us.

How can I be more accepting and how this can be solved?

I have a feeling that he gets the vibes that I am frustrated every times I explain or repeat, and takes it too personal that's why he commented 'I am not stupid'. I feel upset to hurt him too but I am losing my patience....

Big Bag of Chips

If his English isn't very good, then it will be easy for him to "wander" during a conversation. I am a very good Irish speaker. I am not a native Irish speaker, and only spoke Irish in Irish class in school - but I'm good! Even at that, I'm not as fluent as someone on the Irish radio station. And sometimes I might listen in for a few minutes, just to keep in touch with my Irish - and more often that not I end up wandering off thinking of other things!

I know that is different because the person on the radio, isn't sitting in front of me expecting me to converse with them - but it can become very very tiring to communicate in a language that is not native to you. Some people are just better at it than others.

Could you learn each other's language? Make it a fun couples thing!? You might be better at languages than he is - so might find it easier to learn his language. It can be very frustrating talking to someone who is not fully engaged in the conversation. But you need to realise too, that this could just be the type of person your boyfriend is - and even if you did learn his langauge, or even if his English was perfect, his brain might still be wandering mid conversation! (I'm probably a little bit like that, myself... )

HalloweenJack

My girlfriend is from Spain and we speak Spanish all the time. I've a fairly high level of Spanish but I still make mistakes when I'm speaking. We live in Spain so I'm surrounded by Spanish 24/7.

However, every now and again, we have a misunderstanding as I make a balls of saying something or I don't fully get what she's said. It's only lead to a fight once or twice and that gets even harder as when your emotions are up, it's very hard to express yourself clearly in a foreign language, regardless of your level.

Now, I'll be completely honest: I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to improving my Spanish. I studied it for ten years in school and college (without putting in much effort), studied in a Spanish college for a bit and I've lived here for a few years now, living with Spanish people and since I met my girlfriend, we've always spoken Spanish.

I could prepare myself for an exam and get a qualification in a very high level but I'm just not bothered and this comes across in every level of my interaction in Spanish. I don't think about what people are saying, I just go with what the gist of what they're saying is. I don't think as much as I should about what I'm saying, I just come out with whatever. If I put in more effort, I'd be a much better speaker and whenever I write anything (and I have to think about it) it's practically perfect.

To me, it sounds like your boyfriend is lazy in a similar way as he has enough English to get by, he probably doesn't see the need to work on improving it.

As for explaining things, my GF does this at times. If I come across something that I'm not sure about and I have to dig into to my brain to remember or understand whatever it is, it will take me a bit longer to process it and understand it. Obviously, my GF sees this and she usually jumps in with the answer. This can be very frustrating as I was working on figuring out the answer. If I had no idea whatsoever, I'd ask her to explain it to me and she knows this so her jumping in with the answer can be really frustrating.

However, all that said, it sounds like your boyfriend is just lazy with your relationship. It sounds like he isn't taking in information. I don't think it's anything to do with his level of English. It just seems like he doesn't pay enough attention to what you're saying and later he's just too proud to admit he's wrong or afraid of angering you by admitting he wasn't paying attention to what you're saying. You also mentioned the interrupting you to tell you his story, that doesn't sound like such a good thing either.

homerjay2005

thehenandtheduck wrote: »

I can be very patient at work but I am always not that patient when I am at home with my family or people closer to me. I wanna to be better as well but yea, very difficult.
.

this is the part that stands out for me. i dont think this is a language or communication problem, i think this is an attitude problem on YOUR side, you seem very inconsiderate of your boyfriend and i think you are being unfair to him.

leave him alone and accept that nobody is perfect, you probably are starting to drive him mad. very easy to say people are not listening, but maybe you are not easy to listen to?

MagicMarker

To be honest I don't really understand how you're in a relationship with this guy?

Maybe it's just me, but the most fundemental aspect of ANY relationship is communication, above all else. How can I form a connection with someone if I am unable to communicate? How can 2 people fall in love if they can't properly communicate with each other?

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

this is the part that stands out for me. i dont think this is a language or communication problem, i think this is an attitude problem on YOUR side, you seem very inconsiderate of your boyfriend and i think you are being unfair to him.

leave him alone and accept that nobody is perfect, you probably are starting to drive him mad. very easy to say people are not listening, but maybe you are not easy to listen to?

I am reflecting myself as well. To be fair, I don't think I am too difficult to listen to as I work in a job that requires a lot of communication (in English) and there are no major problems.

I do agree that my attitude might be something I can work on. And you are probably right that I might have driven him mad! (Well, I am mad too!!) But I can't ignore myself that I am really feeling frustrated and angry especially when he pushed back the ball to me and blamed me. That's why I so wish we have a recorder!!

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be honest I don't really understand how you're in a relationship with this guy?

Maybe it's just me, but the most fundemental aspect of ANY relationship is communication, above all else. How can I form a connection with someone if I am unable to communicate? How can 2 people fall in love if they can't properly communicate with each other?

For me, connection is beyond language/ talking. I connect much better with him than with a lot of people speaking in my mother tongue.


THANKS also for the fun learning idea, maybe it is worth a try. And any tips to be more patient and accepting, please do share.

Big Bag of Chips

"hard to listen to" is a phrase which has very little to do with how good your English is!

It's more to do with your attitude and the tone you use when speaking rather than how fluently you say it.

If you are frustrated and impatient with people, they are not going to want to listen to you... Regardless of how good your English is!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

"hard to listen to" is a phrase which has very little to do with how good your English is!

It's more to do with your attitude and the tone you use when speaking rather than how fluently you say it.

If you are frustrated and impatient with people, they are not going to want to listen to you... Regardless of how good your English is!

Then how can I be less frustrated and more patient that I would be easier to be listened to?

And I think it should be both ways as well that he would open his ears to listen to me more. How can I ask him to listen to me carefully or remember what I said?

Or is it that there is something we can't change?

We once had a fight and he knew my parents did not get on well and fought a lot. He suddenly mentioned about this in the middle of the fight and said 'You don't want to be like your parents but look how you are now that you are acting exactly like your parents'. I felt so offended and I told him I was not happy to hear that and that our fights were our fights, that's nothing related to my parents.

Later when we claimed down, he asked me just to accept who he is. And he said he loves me that he does not mean to hurt me that sometimes he's not using his words right. But surely we can improve ourselves better for each other, can we not?!