Have I done something stupid?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Just hoping the good folk of boards can help me clarify my mixed up feelings at the moment

Three days ago my boyfriend had arranged to take me out for the evening. I had a family party the night before and was tired and weary but agreed to meet him as didn't wanna let him down. I got glammed up and despite being tired made a major effort. At the last minute he cancelled on me. All apologies, said he got called to work at the last minute. I instantly new this was a bull**** excuse.
He has been on dating/pick up sites previous in our relationship, but swore he had stopped when I told him I would leave him. But we worked through it and things have been good since.

So, when he cancelled on me, I checked the dating site and low and behold there he was logged in. I absolutely lost it. I called him, tore strips off him, told him he was every swear word that exists, that I was walking out on the relationship and he would never see me again. I was so angry, out of control basically.
He kept saying he wasn't seeing anyone else and told me I was losing it.

So, am I meant to be pacified by the fact he isn't physically seeing someone? Actually he could well be, I have no proof either way whither he is or he isn't.

Now he thinks I'm the psycho for reacting the way I did, as if it's almost the norm for men in relationships to browse the crappy dating sites.

I'm really wondering now if I over reacted and if I should have just stayed silent and just ignored him? I feel so angry at him but so stupid at myself for reacting the way I did.

What do I do now? I'm just so mixed up

Thanks everyone.

Esoteric_

No, you didn't over react.

He's been on dating sites. Whether or not he's met people from them is irrelevant, nobody joins dating sites without the intention of either meeting somebody for dates, or flirting with people.

He betrayed you, whether or not he actually met somebody.

He's trying to pin the blame on you so that you'll accept it and stay with him until he finds somebody from a dating site who he wants more.

Leave him and cut contact. You know you deserve better. Don't let his responses and accusations of you over reacting make you doubt yourself.

JaneeMack

You did the right thing to break off with him straight away. He doesn't deserve your love or even an ounce of your attention.

This exact same thing happened to me in my last relationship, except that it also involved a lot of photos (naked, clothed etc) from both parties. I gave him another chance too and after 1 month, we broke up for good cuz I found out he was doing it again when I wasn't around. Whatever chance he got, he was on the dating website.

You are not overreacting. Any loving and faithful boyfriend/partner/husband will not log onto a dating website and start chatting to girls and arrange to meet them offline. Dating websites are for single people who are available to date and the fact he joined means that he thinks that he can date other girls. When he was actually meeting someone is irrelevant - the intention was already there when he joined and made his username.

I'd say forget about him - I know it will hurt, it hurt me really badly and really damaged my self esteem even though I'm a very confident person in general. You can do so much better than him. Please find the strength to look after yourself. You're worth so much more than the jerk.

Merkin

Whether he has been meeting people or not is incidental. You caught him out before (and I probably would have upped sticks then tbh) and expressly asked him not to do it again and he has. Next thing he will be arranging dates (if he hasn't already). Next thing he'll be having sex with poor unsuspecting randomers behind you back (if he hasn't already). He is not to be trusted and he has shown you that time and again. Dump the lying little sleazebag and don't look back, you deserve better. Also, to have him turn this around and call you a psycho shows a really nasty streak if you ask me.

Czarcasm

Ehh, he cancelled a date with you, to go on a dating site, and then he calls YOU crazy when you point out to him that he was online, on the dating site?

What a flaky fcuker tbh, you shouldn't have to put up with that nonsense OP.

jdsk2006

Now he's made you question yourself, what you saw and your valid reaction......textbook cheater stuff really op.

I'm sorry this happened to you, its onwards and upwards from here now xx

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone for replying!

The crazy thing is he BELIEVES he has done nothing wrong! He thinks it's not cheating as he hasn't met anyone physically. He claims all guys in relationships are at it, that most women just don't know about it. This, I actually think may be true. Two of my friends boyfriends have been caught out doing the same thing. One of them kicked her bf to the kerb, the other is still with him acting as though everything is fine, yet she is hurting so bad inside. Am I totally out of touch? Is this the new porn? WTF, I'm just totally out of the loop if this is what's going on.

Right now, I'm at an all time low. I mean, guy cancels girl to go out and pick up another woman - it happens. But, guy cancels girl to browse a scummy dating site - I find it hard to figure it out! It makes me feel I am worth nothing. Not wanting to sound vain, but I have had men tell me they would walk over hot coals to spent time with me, yet this assh*le does this to me.

I'm swaying from anger to depression to wondering what do I do next right now. He hasn't even tried to contact me since. Maybe he is giving me time to cool off after the vile things I said. Or maybe I will never hear from him again.

I'm also angry at myself for losing control so badly. I could have dumped him in a much more controlled manner that would have made me look dignified and classy rather than an emotional wreck

loalae

Ugh! I know I sound judgemental, but what a horrible, horrible man!

It is in no way normal to be on dating sites when you're in a relationship.

That's bad enough but then to try to convince you that you were over-reacting! Arsehole!

Listen, maybe you're not proud of the way you spoke to him. But believe me, you would feel even worse about yourself if you just lay down and accepted his behaviour.

TBH, if I was in your position I'd make sure that I didn't hear from him again. As harsh as it sounds, from everything you've said, it seems like he has no respect for you or your relationship. Why would you want to hear from him again?

loubian

BellaMora22 wrote: »

I'm also angry at myself for losing control so badly. I could have dumped him in a much more controlled manner that would have made me look dignified and classy rather than an emotional wreck

This is one thing I hate when you're dealing with an emotional manipulator. They are the one in the wrong yet you are the one who feels bad. Believe me, I've had my fair share of it and in ways still am as my baby's Dad has emotional manipulation down to a tee.

But anyway, you did NOTHING wrong here! So what if you flipped out? You're a human being! Guaranteed if you were caught doing something like that, your boyfriend/ex would go crazy! Fair enough If you wish you'd been more dignified but in 3/6/9 months time, or however long it takes you to get over him, you won't care how it ended, you'll just be glad you did!

I'm all for trust in a relationship and I believe if you can't trust someone then there's no relationship. You're boyfriend/ex sees no problem with what he is doing, and is therefore likely to continue. It seems from your post that you have a problem with it, so in that sense, you're incompatible. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who sees no problem being on a dating site while in a relationship. Why would anyone!?

maria34

So he thinks is fair to be on dating website? Great! Sure you have some pics to set up a profile, so why not? You only chatting and flirting with them, while you cancel a date with him. Im sure he would be so happy about it !

Sephiroth_dude

BellaMora22 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone for replying!

The crazy thing is he BELIEVES he has done nothing wrong! He thinks it's not cheating as he hasn't met anyone physically. He claims all guys in relationships are at it, that most women just don't know about it. This, I actually think may be true. Two of my friends boyfriends have been caught out doing the same thing. One of them kicked her bf to the kerb, the other is still with him acting as though everything is fine, yet she is hurting so bad inside. Am I totally out of touch? Is this the new porn? WTF, I'm just totally out of the loop if this is what's going on.

Right now, I'm at an all time low. I mean, guy cancels girl to go out and pick up another woman - it happens. But, guy cancels girl to browse a scummy dating site - I find it hard to figure it out! It makes me feel I am worth nothing. Not wanting to sound vain, but I have had men tell me they would walk over hot coals to spent time with me, yet this assh*le does this to me.

I'm swaying from anger to depression to wondering what do I do next right now. He hasn't even tried to contact me since. Maybe he is giving me time to cool off after the vile things I said. Or maybe I will never hear from him again.

I'm also angry at myself for losing control so badly. I could have dumped him in a much more controlled manner that would have made me look dignified and classy rather than an emotional wreck

Kick him to the kirb :mad:

x Purple Pawprints x

You can bet this guy would throw a hissy fit if you did the exact same thing OP. You deserve way better than that sort of treatment. Get rid of him.

December2012

BellaMora22 wrote: »

This, I actually think may be true. Two of my friends boyfriends have been caught out doing the same thing.

.....

I mean, guy cancels girl to go out and pick up another woman - it happens(

No. No it doesn't. Most men are amazing. Most people are loyal and faithful. Do not start assuming what the standard is based on these two scumbags.

It is not normal to cheat.

It is not normal to go online dating when you're in a relationship.

Ditch this dead beat.

And go talk to somebody professional about your self esteem - there are so many things in your post that suggest to me that you're looking for external approval.

YumCha

I kind of went through the same thing recently, what strikes me about the similarities was my ex's obsession with the idea that "he didn't do anything" (his words) because he didn't meet up with anyone.

What an amazing flaming load of craptola.

It's maybe not the best state of things when someone has to swear that they won't use dating/pickup sites while in a relationship with you - but that's what he did. And HE'S the one who went back on it.

Him saying oh it's okay because I'm not physically seeing someone is really saying that he doesn't see lying to you as a problem, or going back on his promise as a problem... UGH

He's the one who should be questioning his self-serving, completely deluded behaviour, not you. Don't give him another thought, he does not deserve it.

CaraMay

The only stupid thing you could do here is waste more time on this guy. Not all guys in relationships do this.

What's his motivation for doing it? Despite any of this he let you down and tbh I think you are naive to think he let you down only to sit in front of a screen. I'll bet the got a last minute date. Don't be a fool here. He is a snake and not worth your thoughts.

dellas1979

Well, the answer to your thread is, no, you didnt do something stupid.

He is the one who did something stupid. M'dear youve caught him a right doozie.

You want a relationship with this guy that bad? You expect him to call/come back with his tail between his legs? I guess he could, but I think it would be false. Because he's clearly told you he doesnt think he's done anything wrong. If he apologises and you accept him back, expect more of the same madness!

If he firmly believes that he is doing nothing wrong, you cant do anything about it, except accept it or walk away.

Youve already blown a gasket (I think justifyably so). But you feel awful. Guilt or something. For what? Standing up for yourself? Look at your friend who is a bundle of nerves!

You are only treated how you allow others to treat you.

Stench Blossoms

I have an ex like this. Just because he didn't 'dip his wick' he didn't think he did anything wrong.

Get out. You'll thank yourself later.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Busted! You caught him in the act.

Not one person in this thread has played devil's advocate and tried to justify his behaviour. Speaks volumes.

Maybe he's the type of guy who needs to be in a relationship, and will spend his life stepping from one relationship to another. Who knows, but it's not your problem. Ditch him and walk out with your head up, you've done nothing wrong, and he's a sleazy git.

Magicmatilda

This happened to me and in the end I dumped him.

I was left with an Awful lot of questions and the best advice I can give you is to accept that they will never be answered.

The facts are that he went on a dating website after he promised not do. He did this knowing it would hurt you. When you found out he tried to manipulate the situation to look like you are the one with the problem.

The only question you need to answer is why you accepted such bad behaviour the first time and why your self esteem is so low you are actually wondering why he hasn't contacted you. I'm sorry but he hasn't contacted you because he doesn't care. As for your self esteem, find a counsellor and work through your issues around that. In a few months you will feel so much stronger and better.

You are worth more.

Matteroffact

He probably broke the date with you because he had no money, but logging into a dating site is a different scenario. You are not at fault at all and don't start twisting things around trying to convince yourself that you were in the wrong, you weren't. I think it would be best to dump him as he will never change.