HUGE MISTAKE

JTwain145

So I have come to the conclusion the enormous mistake I have made.

I got married just over a year ago to my partner of about 7 years.
He had been made redundant a few years back and it seems everything changed.

A few weeks before our wedding I found out he had ruined his credit rating by deciding to not pay his loans back. He was in debt of about 5K on a loan and had run up about 2K on a credit card which again he hid. I only found out as I saw the letters one day while cleaning.
I say "decided" as he could have come to me or family and we would have helped.
I also found out about 10K went missing from our joint savings account. When we met the bank it looked like someone had gone over a 6 week period 3-4 times a week and basically cleaned us out.
I pulled an audit trail and the signatures were his (or as he had said "a good copy")

Cue being gullable with too busy with the wedding but I left my husband to be with getting a solicitor to try and get our money back as the bank was not budging and this had happened over a year previous to us noticing (saving account that we had not touched/added to in a year as I was basically paying for the wedding instead of adding to savings)

So the day came and it was amazing. Genuinely one of the best days of my life. Worth it? No....
Now in the past year my husband has been in 4 jobs or so he says. In each of those 4 jobs hes had instances where he has not been paid for weeks on end.... where I am picking up the slack paying rent/ trying to save/ pay off the wedding... basically at the moment it's so tough i'm beginning to run up my credit card to pay for petrol and groceries. And I am the only one who worries where money for the rent or the bills will come from. He doen't care as apparently I will pull it from thin air when it's needed. 4 jobs in one year where he has had the "same" issue... Unlucky you would think???

I've asked for payslips from this job (As I was hoping to get a mortgage even though with his credit history is near impossible now that i'm married).. none have been produced.. I have asked for proof a solicitor has been working on our case.. none has been produced.. (over a year later and not for lack of asking!). My neighbour popped in this evening with a delivery that arrived and as we are new here just made polite conversation "oh are you just home from work?" - "yes i'm just a bit late today", "This arrived earlier... your husband must have been in bed? Does he work nights as he seems to be home during the day mostly".. " ...

So basically it looks like my husband who is in a job thats NOT paying him... and NOT giving payslips is obviously NOT working and lying about it... (Though he gets money from somewhere every few weeks... granted not a lot but still!!)

Couple all this with an argument (the final straw) we had this morning.. I had asked him to phone and book my car into the garage earlier in the week as it was leaking oil... It was supposed to go in today. Well today came I forgot about it so I was driving to work when I phoned to say "are you supposed to be taking the car in today? " to which I got back "Oh no.. they didn't have the part so he said he will ring Monday/Tuesday".. Now the mechanic is my father so feeling my spidey senses tingling I rang him back... and said "you didn't ring my dad" ,Him- "Yes I did!! who told you I didn't??" , Me - "My Dad did! Did you not think we would ever talk?!" "oh... " Me- "Why did you lie". Him- "Because I didn't want to get in trouble as I forgot".


So basically since before and now since our wedding, he has lied, stolen and is making no attempt to prepare for our future. He expects I look after everything, pay for everything, plan for everything... while he apparently waves me off to work spins a lie about how he's going out the door any minute but buggars off back to bed!

The past year particualrly has been a huge toll on me mentally. I suffered from depression as a child and tried to commit suicide. I found myself back in that situation a few weeks ago. We had a bad argument over his lying, lack of getting a job and helping to take responsibility and feeling it all too much I started before I knew it taking pills and alcohol. To be honest I would be quite happy if he would just help around the house or make a contribution where he can but everything for 2 people is apparently my responsibility. He came back after I had taken alot of pills with the alcohol. He took the rest off me but pretty much left me to my own devices. I was really sick that night and in retrospect I probably should have been in hospital given how ill I was. He never even mentioned it or tried to talk to me about it.

Obviously I know I need to seperate and I have told him as of this mornings lie that we are done but starting again! After a year of marraige.. It just sucks!! I just wish I had been smarter earlier because now I feel defeated....

LegacyUser

Leave him now and never look back. This guy is a pathological liar whom will never learn. My mum stayed with my dad for over 30years, over the 30years he showed exactly the same behaviour as ur husband (becoming more extreme in the last 5years). He is finally gone but, he didn't leave my mum a penny and he owes her over 50k in debt. She is now left financially ruined and depending on me and my brother supporting her.

No good will ever come from being with ur husband. Please leave and don't look back

Loughc

Leave him now, run and never look back, that man is a selfish, lying leech, he's stealing more than money from you, he's stealing your happiness too.

Lisha

Op this man is living a Walter Mittyish existence. It's possible that he believes his own lies or at the least yhink they justify his lies.

Op really your marriage is null and void as he is more or less a stranger to you.

You have to think of what is best for you in the long run.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve a partner who loves you.

Sadly from your post it sounds like there is no honesty in your relationship.

Best of luck op, you deserve better than this.

Oryx

Have you made up your mind that its done? Then get legal advice about separating your finances and anything else that could come back and bite you. Because you can physically leave tomorrow but with a man so prone to theft and lies you need to protect yourself financially.

r3nu4l

I'm really sorry that things have turned out for you this way. Please just remember that you are not to blame for this. You may think of yourself as gullible but love really is often, blind. On top of that, some people are very, very good at manipulating situations to their own ends.

As Oryx said, if you are sure it's over then protect your finances as best you can. If your parents or other relatives can help you pay for a solicitor then don't deny them that, ask for help.

Yes it sucks immensely but by taking action you are not the loser, you are taking control of the situation. Well done and congratulations on making a decision. It sounds like you've done all you can to help and support him but he has done nothing other than take advantage of that support

You deserve more, go and get it.

LegacyUser

Couldn't read and not reply, it sounds like we married the same man op!

I finally caught my husband out on all his lies after nearly a year of marriage and ended it. Sure, it was embarrassing but soon enough it's yesterday's news. He won't change and judging by the behaviours and the large amounts of money have u considered drug use, cocaine maybe ? Also goes hand in hand with the compulsive lying too.

The sooner you get away from him the better or he will suck the life out of you. I'm a year down the road , separated and
it gets better!!!

TheBlock

Kelly 06 wrote: »

Couldn't read and not reply, it sounds like we married the same man op!

I finally caught my husband out on all his lies after nearly a year of marriage and ended it. Sure, it was embarrassing but soon enough it's yesterday's news. He won't change and judging by the behaviours and the large amounts of money have u considered drug use, cocaine maybe ? Also goes hand in hand with the compulsive lying too.

The sooner you get away from him the better or he will suck the life out of you. I'm a year down the road , separated and
it gets better!!!

Sounds like a gambler to me, the whole getting a few quid sporadically. Rather than dump him straight away maybe suggest some help/councelling, there must have been something there I wouldn't abandon it without trying to find out whats going on. He may need help. Either way you need to have some really difficult conversations very soon.

LegacyUser

Gambling addiction.

I escaped a similar relationship 2 years ago thankfully before any commitment was ever made. I count myself very lucky.

Get out now. by running up your own credit cards, you are accommodating his behaviour. You need to take sole control of your own finances. He won't provide you with proof of his spending because he needs to hide it. if you look at his internet history it will probably all show up. You don't have to leave the house to gamble. gambling isn't even about money - it's about the process. It explains the job losses. And if he's staying home every day he is likely to be depressed about hiding his habit too.

I've been in counselling for 6 months now to try move on from the situation - you don't trust him, but it's also hard to trust yourself when you don't know whats happening. Do yourself a favour, leave him and look after yourself now, don't get any deeper.

LegacyUser

I think that your husband is gambling due to the following
Clearing out your bank account in the space of a few weeks, telling you the bank made a mistake in this and then not going to a solicitor about this.
Lying to you and telling you he is working but he can give you no proof of this ie payslips.
Having money every few weeks but expects you to pay the bills.

At this stage I would get legal advice about ending this marriage. I would open a bank account in your name and get your wages paid into this. Make sure that your husband has no access to your bank account, credit card ect. He knows that you want to leave him so you don't want to give him a chance to take any more of your money.

You need to end this relationship and get out of this marriage as soon as you can.
I would not look for a mortgage with him as his credit history will stop you getting one.
You need to consider your own future. Don't worry about what other people will think or say as they don't know what is happening in your life. Could you chat to your parents or have you a friend who would keep your business to themselves as you need some support at the moment.

Emme

I'm not saying your husband is a gambler, but gamblers are excellent liars and manipulators. I know of one man who used to get up every morning, put on his work uniform and go "to work". It later turned out that he hadn't been working for a year and his family ended up in serious financial difficulty. He used to go to the bookies instead and spend the day there.

It's a shame you went through with the wedding but you should get legal advice and get out ASAP. Would it be possible to get the marriage annulled?

loalae

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. It sounds like you've really tried so hard to be as open and honest with him as you can and haven't been given the same respect in return.

You haven't really asked for any advice here. It seems like you've already made your decision and you were just looking for it to be validated here. For what it's worth, I really respect all the efforts you've put in to trying to make your marriage work and totally understand where you're coming from when you say that you feel like you can't trust him. It sounds like lying is his go to response instead of dealing with issues at hand or possibly to avoid getting in "trouble."

You were not a fool for trusting him, he's your husband - you're supposed to be able to trust him. But my understanding of marriage is that it's a partnership where both partners need to be honest with each other about important issues, including finances. You seem to be poles apart in that regard.

manxlodger

Tell him to sling his hook and do it now.