Daughter refuses contact with father

Shadylou

Myself and my partner broke up earlier this year and he moved back in with his parents while I stayed in our home with our 2 children. Myself and the ex agreed that he would take the kids every Friday night and alternate Saturday nights at his parents home.
My son is 2 and my daughter is 8 and this worked out ok for a while but during the summer she started to refuse to stay on the Saturday night and would only stay on Friday, when she started back at school she would only stay every second Friday night.
Now she is refusing to go at all and will not talk to him on the phone and when he called last night to speak to her she went up to her room and wouldn't come down until he was gone, I don't know what brought this on, it's her birthday on Wednesday and I was going to have a tea party with both sets of grandparents and us but she said she doesn't want her father or his parents there
I asked her did something happen at the house. But she said she just gets bored really easily there and she misses her house and me when she's there so shed rather stay here with me and she knows they'll be angry about this so she's avoiding them
I don't know how to approach this, her dad and grandparents are heartbroken not seeing her but she's adamant on avoiding them?

dharma200

this may sound harsh but eight years old is far to young to be dictating the social structure of her family life.
I would absolutely put my foot down and insist that arrangements are kept.

deelite

Maybe if you took her out with your ex to a neutral place (not anybody's house) a cafe maybe she might open up a bit more about her reasons for not wanting to go. It could be a case she is just bored at the grandparents house - my kids get bored stupid at my parents house and hate the thought of staying over night. Good luck

Shadylou

dharma200 wrote: »

this may sound harsh but eight years old is far to young to be dictating the social structure of her family life.
I would absolutely put my foot down and insist that arrangements are kept.

I tried that at the start but she got herself into such a state when I made her go that her grandparents ended up ringing me to tell me that they were going to have to bring her home cos they were so worried about her

CrazyRabbit

Seems like the ex needs to do more to entertain his daughter. If it is just something as simple as her being bored, it should be easy to fix.

To be honest though, it sounds like more.

georgesstreet

dharma200 wrote: »

this may sound harsh but eight years old is far to young to be dictating the social structure of her family life.
I would absolutely put my foot down and insist that arrangements are kept.

I hate to contradict this, but this is exactly the attitude which the school stay safe programme is taught to counteract. No matter what age someone is, they have a right to be heard and a right to be included in decisions about their lives. To attempt to force her, in some way, seems a mistake.

Absolutely encourage her to keep in contact with her father and his parents, and if its true the reason is she is bored with them alone, why should that cause a problem inviting them for tea with others in your house, or elsewhere?

While you should not force her to go to their house, she also cant reasonably prevent you from inviting them to your house, or to a restaurant.

sadie06

Could she be feeling some unresolved anger about the break-up? Could she be placing blame on her father as he is the one who left the family home? Might she not like seeing him comfortable somewhere else, and thus avoids being there as it reminds her that he is not coming back home? Perhaps she prefers to be at home where she can pretend it hasn't happened.

I'm just suggesting these possibilities, as the break up is so recent, she may still be struggling with adjusting to her new life. Perhaps you could sit down together as a family and talk it through?

georgesstreet

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

Seems like the ex needs to do more to entertain his daughter. If it is just something as simple as her being bored, it should be easy to fix.

To be honest though, it sounds like more.

The duty of parents is not to rush to their children when they are bored and "un-bore" them. The job of a parent is to teach children how not to be bored, and how to "un-bore" themselves.

If ever my children said "I'm bored" my response was that it was ok, it was allowed for them to be bored if that's what they chose. I've never understood why parents feel their are responsible for keeping their children, even as teenagers, amused and to feel responsible for un-boring them should they allow themselves to get bored.

Shadylou

sadie06 wrote: »

Could she be feeling some unresolved anger about the break-up? Could she be placing blame on her father as he is the one who left the family home? Might she not like seeing him comfortable somewhere else, and thus avoids being there as it reminds her that he is not coming back home? Perhaps she prefers to be at home where she can pretend it hasn't happened.

I'm just suggesting these possibilities, as the break up is so recent, she may still be struggling with adjusting to her new life. Perhaps you could sit down together as a family and talk it through?

I do think she does blame her father a bit for the breakup as it came about after some hassle with his family but she was always such a daddy's girl it's just awful to see..... I have tried to talk to her about it but she just clams up and says she's fine which does worry me a lot.
I went up to the school to talk to her teacher who told me that she doesn't seem any different and the teacher (who is a lovely woman that my daughter adores) had a little chat with her when I was a few minutes 'late' picking her up from school but she was just her usual chatty self and told the teacher everything was fine

DM addict

Have you spoken to your ex about it at all? I would agree that it's important for her to be able to decide whether or not she wants to see her father, but it's a shame she doesn't want to.

Perhaps ask her if there's something she'd like to be doing with her dad - you do say that she used to be a daddy's girl - is there anything in particular they used to do together that you could suggest to your ex that they keep doing? Or could she take a favourite game/toy over to your ex's house?

Can I also say I think your attitude is great - a lot of people in your position would be pleased that their kids wanted to spend more time with them than with the ex, and I think it's a good sign for your kids that you want them to have a strong relationship with their father.

bisset

Maybe she would benefit from the Rainbows program. The school probably know if its running in your area.

Shadylou

bisset wrote: »

Maybe she would benefit from the Rainbows program. The school probably know if its running in your area.

That looks amazing......I'll have a chat with her teacher about it on Monday

RubyGirl

Maybe she could help her dad set up the room she's staying in over in Gran's if there is one with some of her stuff so it feel's more like home. Could they take up swimming lessons on a Sat morning or something to make more of a routine out of it.

I would agree with above poster, if she does not want to go over fine but if you want to invite them over to your house I would not let her talk you round that one.

fartyarse

I read this out to my own mother to see what her view was, as it sounds identical to our family structure.

She reckons your daughter is worried about leaving you on your own. Apparently the exact same thing happened with me when they split up!

She says to reassure her that you will be fine at home on your own, that might make things easier.

Shadylou

fartyarse wrote: »

I read this out to my own mother to see what her view was, as it sounds identical to our family structure.

She reckons your daughter is worried about leaving you on your own. Apparently the exact same thing happened with me when they split up!

She says to reassure her that you will be fine at home on your own, that might make things easier.

I never thought of it like that......that makes sense though cos she has gotten very clingy with me

fartyarse

Shadylou wrote: »

I never thought of it like that......that makes sense though cos she has gotten very clingy with me

I'd say that could be a strong reason so, I remember feeling SO guilty waving goodbye to my Mam when I was going to Dad's house for the weekend.

I also always considered her to be the "good guy" in the whole scenario. Still do.

Shadylou

fartyarse wrote: »

I'd say that could be a strong reason so, I remember feeling SO guilty waving goodbye to my Mam when I was going to Dad's house for the weekend.

I also always considered her to be the "good guy" in the whole scenario. Still do.

I'd hate for her to feel like that, I've worked very hard to keep my personal feelings out of this...... I can hardly bear to be near my ex at the moment and his family and I'd hate if I've inadvertently caused her to go against her dad. I really want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad

RubyGirl

Maybe just arrange a girl's night out and tell her you have to go. Even if it's only pretend.

georgesstreet

fartyarse wrote: »

I'd say that could be a strong reason so, I remember feeling SO guilty waving goodbye to my Mam when I was going to Dad's house for the weekend.

I also always considered her to be the "good guy" in the whole scenario. Still do.

People split up and that's a fact of life. Considering one to be "good" and one to be "bad" seems hard work, and seems unnecessary. Often relationships split up because the two are incompatible, and that's not the fault of one, or the other. It's a shame you feel one parent is good and the other bad, especially as that makes you feel bad about leaving one for the other, as you have nothing to feel bad about.

I've seen many relationships split up and result in years of unhappiness because one person wants to blame the other, and not realise that sometimes people grow apart, or sometimes love doesn't last as long for one than the other, or for a myriad of reasons.

Blaming someone else because they are no longer are able to love, or because for them the relationship is no longer working, is not only stupid but leads to years of unhappiness for both involved, and often for any children.

Shadylou

georgesstreet wrote: »

People split up and that's a fact of life. Considering one to be "good" and one to be "bad" seems hard work, and seems unnecessary. Often relationships split up because the two are incompatible, and that's not the fault of one, or the other. It's a shame you feel one parent is good and the other bad, especially as that makes you feel bad about leaving one for the other, as you have nothing to feel bad about.

I've seen many relationships split up and result in years of unhappiness because one person wants to blame the other, and not realise that sometimes people grow apart, or sometimes love doesn't last as long for one than the other, or for a myriad of reasons.

Blaming someone else because they are no longer are able to love, or because for them the relationship is no longer working, is not only stupid but leads to years of unhappiness for both involved, and often for any children.

When we decided to spilt, myself and my ex told our daughter together and reassured her that it was nothing she had done and that we weren't blaming each other. She seemed to take that ok but you can never tell with kids what they are thinking.
I'm a very deep thinker, my mind is always working overtime and I think she's the same so I don't want to upset her too much and push her away from him and his family because she needs her dad in her life and he is a great dad and doesn't deserve this.
I decided against the tea party in the house, have instead brought her out for a little meal and am now nervously on my phone waiting for dessert cos her dad and grandparents are calling in with a cake to sing happy birthday.....I'm a bag of nerves in case she goes mental but there's no way I'm letting her dad miss her birthday

georgesstreet

Shadylou wrote: »

I decided against the tea party in the house, have instead brought her out for a little meal and am now nervously on my phone waiting for dessert cos her dad and grandparents are calling in with a cake to sing happy birthday.....I'm a bag of nerves in case she goes mental but there's no way I'm letting her dad miss her birthday

Does that imply you have not told her that her dad and grandparents are coming?

Shadylou

georgesstreet wrote: »

Does that imply you have not told her that her dad and grandparents are coming?

No I didn't, her birthday is tomorrow but she wants to go to the cinema with her friends after school, myself and my parents took her out for something to eat and her father and other grandparents showed up with a cake.
She was a bit nonplussed at the start but was soon talking away to them and I had a chat with her last night about things and she will call to the house tomorrow after the cinema.
Thanks to everyone who suggested a neutral venue, it worked a treat!!

georgesstreet

Shadylou wrote: »

No I didn't, her birthday is tomorrow but she wants to go to the cinema with her friends after school, myself and my parents took her out for something to eat and her father and other grandparents showed up with a cake.
She was a bit nonplussed at the start but was soon talking away to them and I had a chat with her last night about things and she will call to the house tomorrow after the cinema.
Thanks to everyone who suggested a neutral venue, it worked a treat!!

Phew! Its probably more hard work as two separated parents, and its good that it worked out well. Well done!