Girlfriend trouble and I really dont know what to do

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Not going to bore you all here with a massive story but just looking for some neutral input.

I am a young guy finishing college and my girlfriend is in the same position. Been together 2 and a half years. Thing is she is smothering me and I cannot do anything by myself without her and not have some sort of drama. She cannot stay by herself at night, she cries on the phone to me if she is alone and I have to drive nearly a couple of hours to get to her house when she goes home. I can't go out with friends because she doesn't like being left alone and the scenario repeats itself time and time again over different things.

I have thought about ending it but she is actually good to me, really, really generous to me (as am I to her) and simply wants to be around me all the time because she loves me. All she wants is me and she is happy once I am there. You could say she is obsessed.

The thing is there are other reasons I have thought about ending it. We basically have zero sex and when we do she makes little effort and I make every effort. She often asks me to touch her and makes no effort for me, just closes her eyes while I do, orgasms and then sleeps. Once a month if I'm lucky. It upsets me because I don't see why she doesn't like to have sex with me because I know there are lots of girls that are attracted to me and my girlfriend of all people won't make an effort. She had sex with a couple of other people before me which kind of upset me too especially that she never wants to have sex with me, the combination of those 2 things led me to cheat on her once which I really regret. I told her straight away and we moved on.

I know this sounds so vain but she isn't as attractive as she used to be either and I don't mean just because she has put on weight because I'm not that vain. I make a good effort to take care of myself for her and I do but she just farts, scratches her ass and never does any exercise ever or makes any effort to. She was so pretty and hygenic when I met her but she doesn't make an effort any more. I tell her I hate her scratching her ass but she doesn't stop, even when I'm feeling her she does it sometimes and it is disgusting.

Even with these things she does have redeeming qualities that are very rare like complete loyalty and love for me and unbelievable generosity, all far above sex and appearances in terms of importance in a relationship but the other things like a feeling that I'm not appreciated properly and the other small obstacles that I talked about are making it hard for me to be totally happy in this relationship and are causing rows increasingly frequently. I don't know what to do because above all I would crush her if I ended our relationship and I want to do everything I can to make it work.

Any inputs or thoughts guys?

miamee

The first obvious thing would be to sit down and talk to her about the things that are bothering you. Having to drive to her house every night to effectively baby sit her sounds excessive - does she live alone? If so, maybe she needs to look for a housemate. You could encourage her to follow her own interests, spend time with her own friends and this would allow you to do the same. Living in each other's pockets is not for everyone and clearly not for you. It is normal to not want to spend every waking moment with one person to the exclusion of others so do not feel guilty about that.

It sounds like you are willing to be persuaded to stay with her if she were to get her act together so I think talking to her and telling her how you feel - including the fact that thoughts of breaking up have come to mind - are probably the first thing you should do and see how she reacts (or not) to your concerns and feelings.

Pawwed Rig

It is interesting to note that at no point in your post did you say that you love her. This is a question you should ask yourself.
When you have answered that ask yourself if you want to be with her.

JaneeMack

I think you already know what you want to do but maybe you just need that objective perspective from outsiders.

I think your relationship isn't very healthy - she's so clingy she cries on the phone (which I find very childish and very insecure - immature), you cannot do anything without each other and the fact that your sex life isn't going anywhere.

Also, you are still young and you have so much to experience! From my own experience (I'm in my early 30's), things change a lot in your 20's and also 30's. There are lots of men and women out there and you can actually have a good and happy relationship without all the drama.

Breakups are always hard. But I think it is better to get away from an unhappy relationship and mourn for two months rather than being trapped in it and being unhappy. Believe me, you will find someone who's more compatible sexually and emotionally. Put yourself on the top. She will be fine. (even though it feels like she won't be!)

LegacyUser

I do love her or at least I did, I don't know anymore because I'm not as happy as I was. I'll try talking to her but I want to be sensitive because she gets upset really easily. Some of the stuff she does isn't ideal but at heart she is a really good person and I don't want to hurt her, we have good memories and loyal people that love you are hard to find - like I find it incredible how happy she is just to see me sometimes. I'd like to continue having good memories if we can compromise our problems.

Pippy1976

I think this girl sounds like she's somewhat depressed or down in herself. Which you cannot help her with unless she makes a concerted effort to begin helping her get out of this phase.

To be constantly crying, afraid to be on her own and the lack of care for physical appearance all points to a person who needs a little help. Perhaps you're not best placed to be the person to help her as you're emotionally involved.

If you're not happy then I think you need to walk away. At the moment you're a crutch for her and it's doing neither of you any good. Maybe leaving her will give her the push she needs to start welcoming a bit of control back into her life.

Typer Monkey

I think she sounds very selfish OP. She's clingy and obsessive about you so emotionally manipulates you to drive two hours to see her. She's selfish sexually too. In a healthy sexual relationship each partner wants to please the other, to share the pleasure. She can't be bothered to make an effort to be clean for you either or to temper her habits which you've expressed you find off-putting. All of the above are the actions of a person putting her wants and needs above yours.

You say that love, generosity and loyalty are rare. They really aren't OP. They are the baseline starting point of healthy and happy partnerships. People's behaviour towards each other indicate whether those important tenants are present. I don't see much love or consideration from her. I see neediness and immaturity. Generosity is more than spending money on someone. That's easy. Generosity of spirit is considering your need for time and space outside of the relationship and not forcing you to drive for two hours. It's about considering your interests outside of her and encouraging you to enjoy them. You being happy should make her happy. As it stands she doesn't care if you are unhappy/inconvenienced/unsatisfied as long as she's happy.

You seem like a nice young man with a lot of life to live and experience. When you've been in a relationship with an emotionally mature woman who treats you with love and consideration in all aspects of your relationship you'll realise how smothering and unsatisfying this relationship was.

You know what you should do OP. Good luck with it.

Idle Passerby

Everything you've described doesn't sound like a girl who simply wants to be around you because she loves you.

Why is she crying just because shes on her own? Is she afraid of something? She needs to figure out a way to look after herself in those situations. She's not giving much consideration to you expecting you to drop everything to dry her tears just because shes apparently cant handle her own company.

Her selfishness in bed and unsavory personal habits also suggest a disinterest in your needs and desires. As someone suggested in a previous post, maybe she is suffering with depression. Crying for no real reason, needing constant reassurance, no interest in sex and poor personal pride all point to something being amiss.

LegacyUser

I'm going to give her one more chance, explain to her whats wrong and give her a some time without explicitly saying that she is on probation because if she wants to help me she should make an effort anyway. If it comes to it I don't even know how to go about breaking up with somebody because I never have, I don't think I would be able to handle her being that upset. How would I do it after nearly 3 years?

Idle Passerby

Breaking up with someone is never easy or pleasant, but its infinitely preferable to staying in an unhappy relationship just to avoid the awkwardness of breaking up.

Give yourself a standard that you will be happy to live with and a time frame in which you hope to have reached that standard. Let her know that you are considering leaving the relationship if it doesn't improve for good.

If things don't improve, sit her down, remind her that you were unhappy and asked for things to change and since they havn't you are no longer interested in persuing the relationship. Wish her all the best and keep contact at a minimum. Don't respond to any tears or threats if she tries that and focus on whats best for you.

P. Breathnach

Don't start by telling her what she is doing wrong; start with the fact that you are unhappy, and move on to telling her why.

Be open to the possibility that she is also unhappy. As people here have suggested, she might have a psychological problem like depression. It might be that you will need to encourage her to seek professional help.

beks101

anon11239 wrote: »

I'm going to give her one more chance, explain to her whats wrong and give her a some time without explicitly saying that she is on probation because if she wants to help me she should make an effort anyway. If it comes to it I don't even know how to go about breaking up with somebody because I never have, I don't think I would be able to handle her being that upset. How would I do it after nearly 3 years?

"This isn't working out for me anymore. I'm not happy and I don't think we're compatible. I'm sorry but it's over"

LegacyUser

Well you have to prepare yourself for the following: the MINUTE you open your mouth she'll start bawling. Why so quick?

Cos you have proven yourself as someone who jumps every time she even sniffles. She sniffles on the phone and you drive an hour and a half to hold her hand.

So this is a good way of stopping you in your tracks. It works. Every time.

Should you persist you can expect the next thing: loud wailing and roaring about how mean you're being, why are you treating her this way, she's always loved you, sobsobsob.

She has never learnt to grow up and handle things maturely. She's still like a 4 year olld . handling problems by going WAAAAAHHHH until someone gives her a hug and stops being "mean".

So before you have your talk, you need to have a contingency plan. Where will it take place? Her place? Hours away so how do you make your exit? Your place? Where she'll need to be driven home? Think about it. It must be somewhere neutral where you can a) make an escape without b) stranding her.

What will you say once the tears start? I recommend addressing her tears - saying that she has a right to cry, but you have a right to keep talking about how unhappy you are. Then KEEP TALKING. She will try to shut you down, wailing and sobbing, to change the subject into that time you cheated and she forgave you, into your flaws....you have to just keep reiterating the points that have made you so unhappy. Because this is your only chance to get them out. Allow yourself to get shut down or sidetracked and those feelings will only end up festering, unaired, inside you.

Which brings me to the most important thing: know what your points actually are. Go in wishy-washy full of "sorta" and "kinda" and "sometimes" and anyone with half a brain can explode them one by one, leaving you feeling all turned around and foolish. Be clear, be concise, and do not allow your point to get lost. Write down the issues if you have to (just leave the piece of paper behind, it looks too calculated).

Lastly, I'm a girl and the way she is behaving is BAD FORM. Being dirty? Being supremely selfish in bed? It's appalling behaviour to a partner no matter how loyal she is. Perhaps her loyalty is mainly rooted in clingyness. It's easy to be loyal to someone who is your emotional crutch.

To be honest it sounds to me like she dowsn't treat you like a boyfriend, but more like you're a female friend trapped in a man's body. Cos she's kinda treating you like a lot of women are around their female friends - emotionally dependant, but free to fart, lol. Think about it.

Anyway, this is a conversation you must prepare for. Personally I do not think her basic personality (& I think this IS her basic personality) will change. This is how she is. Some other guy might thrive on her neediness and laugh at her grottiness and I hope she finds him. But it's plainly not you.

LegacyUser

I'm going to talk to her then keep a diary of how I feel each day for a couple of months and what happens on each day that annoys me or upsets me and then decide. I'll keep track of if she has made any effort to improve for me and in the meantime I'm still going to make every effort for her but just think about myself and my life a little more. If she wants to be part of it then she should work with me and compromise. We are meant to go away early in the new year and it is booked, if I don't feel things are working out what should I do regarding that?

Idle Passerby

anon11239 wrote: »

We are meant to go away early in the new year and it is booked, if I don't feel things are working out what should I do regarding that?

Play it by ear. Id let her know that thats what your doing too. "We'el see how things are in the new year and make a plan then for if the holiday it to go ahead" sort of thing. You cant commit to going on holidays with someone you're not sure you will still even be with.

Pawwed Rig

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Play it by ear. Id let her know that thats what your doing too. "We'el see how things are in the new year and make a plan then for if the holiday it to go ahead" sort of thing. You cant commit to going on holidays with someone you're not sure you will still even be with.

With respect please do not do this as it will give the poor girl hope. If you are splitting then do a clean permanent split. If you are staying together then go ahead with the holiday.
Nothing worse than months of anxiety about whether someone is going to split with you or not.

Idle Passerby

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

With respect please do not do this as it will give the poor girl hope. If you are splitting then do a clean permanent split. If you are staying together then go ahead with the holiday.
Nothing worse than months of anxiety about whether someone is going to split with you or not.

Fair point. But if he's giving her a probationary chance it wouldn't be good to let her think the holiday is guaranteed. She wont take his grievances seriously if she thinks they are still definately going away together in the near future.

Pippy1976

beks101 wrote: »

"This isn't working out for me anymore. I'm not happy and I don't think we're compatible. I'm sorry but it's over"

I'd add to this 'This isn't working, I'm not happy and you're clearly not happy either. I think it's best we go our separate ways as we've become incompatible. I'm sorry but it's over.'

It's awful and no-one likes to either be the break-er or break-ee but if something's not working then it's best to end it, however awful it may seem at the time.

FLOWERS1

Hi op

I think if you really care about her you shouldn't string her along!!!! this would be extremely hurtful so if you want out - let her know as sensitively as you can

(1)As for the wanting you around all the time - suggests to me that she is insecure and has trust issue's maybe due to the fact that you cheated
(2)You mentioned she let herself go (hygiene, lack of exercise, farting and so forth) was this after you cheated??? sounds that she might be a little depressed or low in herself
(3)You said your not as attracted to her - I would think that she would be able to sense this from you and has become a bit needy

I think her self esteem sounds like it's on the floor and maybe you's are just not good for each other

On the other hand if you do really care for her, love her and you really really do want to make it work then you'll have to put the work in and you should be as gentle and supportive as you can be to try and reassure her constantly of your commitment and show her your willing to put in the work also encourage her to find other activities outside your relationship this will be good for her cos I think she needs to gain some distance from you to gain some perspective on your relationship

I think you've actually created this cross for your own back.

Personally I think you should leave her be!

LegacyUser

anon11239 wrote: »

We are meant to go away early in the new year and it is booked, if I don't feel things are working out what should I do regarding that?

For the love of God forget about that. Long ago a long term boyfriend and I had booked a romantic city break. We went, we strolled around hand in hand, we laughed, we talked about normal things, we shagged....then we came home and a week later he dumps me.

I asked him how long he'd been working up to it and he said "...A while"

So then I knew. The only reason he had gone on that break was the deposit. The whole time he'd been strolling hand in hand with me, the whole time he'd been SHAGGING me, he was waiting to dump me. It felt horrific. And I never ever forgave that.

Please don't go.

LegacyUser

Going to talk to her this weekend and let her know I'm not happy and give some time to work it out. In response to the person who said not to go, I'm looking for ways to repair my relationship with her to how it was before, not break up with her so I'm not going to go cause of money. If she does seem clinically depressed what are the signs and symptoms? How would you guys go about discussing what I am unhappy about without being mean sounding? - I don't want to upset her before I even tell her how I feel. Ay ideas?

I'll let ye know how it goes.

P. Breathnach

You'll have to go elsewhere for discussion of the symptoms of clinical depression; we are not allowed go into such matters.

If you try to use Google on mental health issues, you need to be very cautious in filtering out the cranks and the snake-oil vendors.

Pawwed Rig

If you look at the charter for this forum there are links to sites that give information on depression. You should bear in mind that symptoms are just that. They are not a diagnosis. If your girlfriend has worries she should see a GP as you, me or most other people here are not qualified to determine whether someone is depressed or not.

FLOWERS1

anon11239

I don't think venting your unhappiness will improve anything for her or you and I would think she may already know that your feeling unhappy and that's why she's been acting needy and it could be the reason she's feeling so low.

I think you should be a bit more sensitive, at the end of the day you've cheated and she still wanted you???
Only thing I can say is - if you really love her?? and want to make a go of it?? its gonna take alot of reassuring her!!! being a bit more supportive and putting a lot of work in Are you willing to do all of that?

Its probable best for your own sake as well as hers To really think about what you want??? before discussing your unhappiness with her or making any false promises that later you don't want to fulfil thereby causing more hurt!

But if your slightly unsure of how you feel/want don't lead her on and don't hold on to a relationship just because you don't want to "upset" her that will do FAR MORE DAMAGE!!!!


hope this helps


ps Also for the low mood, maybe encourage her to do some exercise as it helps release the feel good hormones, possibly start off with going for jog with her or something???

LegacyUser

I honestly don't know what to do. Is it wrong to want to break up with her because she isn't as attractive to me as she used to be or is that vain? There are other issues like the whole dependence thing but I feel if I leave her she will not ever get over it. She is thoughtful and nice and happy whenever I am around and I do care for her a lot. My head is addled trying to decide what to do.

LegacyUser

I don't know how she would react if I wished to break up. I don't know the best way to broach the topic either, should I write a letter and then talk to her? What should I say? Am I stupid and selfish to want to break up? I'm not really happy though as I was at the start and the main reason I'm sticking around is because I care for her and don't want to hurt her. Already hurt her already by being so stupid and cheating. I feel so stressed.

LegacyUser

You need to decide what you want to do yourself before you talk to her. In one post you say you don't want to break up with her & in the next you are obviously thinking of going that way. There is no point in talking to her & causing upset until you know exactly what you want to say to her. Think all options through first yourself & then go from there.

Idle Passerby

anon11239 wrote: »

I don't know how she would react if I wished to break up. I don't know the best way to broach the topic either, should I write a letter and then talk to her? What should I say? Am I stupid and selfish to want to break up? I'm not really happy though as I was at the start and the main reason I'm sticking around is because I care for her and don't want to hurt her. Already hurt her already by being so stupid and cheating. I feel so stressed.

It is not stupid or selfish to want to break up with someone. It would, however be stupid and selfish to stay with her if you know you no longer want to be with her. There is no easy way to end a relationship, you just need to bite the bullet and do it if that's what you have decided to do.

ladygirl

You are not being selfish. People change over time and if you are no longer attracted to her thats fair enough.. you are also not responsible for how she reacts after the break up. Everyone reacts differently to such news - some cry, some shout, some get depressed, angry, some say they dont care etc and some go through all the emotions at once.

You can only control how you conduct yourself. You need to be 100% straight with this girl. Tell her that you feel ye are not working and that after a lot of thought you have decided that you no longer want to be in a relationship.

It needs to be that clear to her that it is 100% over. no matter how she reacts do not give her false hope (this will do neither her or you any favours after the breakup)

Please do not go down the route of saying you hope you can be friends either as most posters here will tell you - you cannot be just friends with your ex!! Clean breaks are the only way you can move on with your life and her move on with hers.

I would also suggest you break up with her sooner rather than later.. There is never going to be a good time to break up - but dont string her on!! That would be very selfish of you..

best of luck op