How to help an Alcoholic

LegacyUser

I was with my ex for 6 years and it came to the stage that I could no longer cope with his drinking & broken promises so I left him. I loved this man with every inch of my heart and it absolutely killed me to walk away.
Deep down I was wishing that he would see the errors in his way, try to turn his life around & come back to make me the happiest woman alive.

I have to say that he was never abusive to me, sober or when he was drunk, we had a great relationship without the alcohol and I knew that he loved me.

When I first met him he drank an awful lot and would never miss a weekend to go out boozing and would often spend Mondays drinking too. He totally changed when we started going out & before long we were spending every weekend together going to cinema, going for meals etc, full weekends with no alcohol involved. We really fell for each other and things were so so good.

There were times that we would have a binge & go drinking for days on end, we would row, I would move out, he then would sort himself out & come back begging me to take him back. These binges got more & more frequent towards the end of our relationship, he would vanish for days on end without a trace & I would be left at home worrying sick about him.
He even ended up getting arrested on the last occasion & this is when I decided I had to leave.

We are broken up nearly 3 years now and I am living with my new bf.
There are times that I miss my ex and I spend hours wondering where he is, how he is doing etc.

Since the breakup his drinking has gotten completely out of hand - his parents asked him to move out, he has been arrested twice for drink driving & has lost the majority of his good friends.

It breaks my heart to see him like this, I know he is no longer apart of my life however I just cant sit back & watch him through his life away.
He is in his early 30's and at the weekend I heard he has now lost his job as a result of his drinking & not turning up for work.

I called him last night & we had a talk, of course he was drunk & we both got very emotional. It absolutely breaks my heart to see him like this however there is nothing I can do to help him or is there?
He told me himself last night on the fone that he is an alcoholic and he too began to cry.
Everyone seems to have given up on him & he just spends each day drinking & drinking.
He didnt even know what day of the week it was last night

I know there is nothing I can do unless he wants to help himself - but he is sick & I think he needs support, however I don't know how to provide this support?
Do I need to speak to his parents, who I know they openly blame me for his drinking, as they see how bad he has gotten since the breakup, however I tried my absolute best to help him. I have gotten numbers for AA meetings and passed this info on however he doesn't want to know when sober.

Anyone been in this situation before and kindly want to offer any advice for me?

Merkin

How does your current boyfriend feel about you wanting to help an ex to this extent? Have you got his blessing? You sound quite emotionally attached eventhough it's over a long time.

username123

It's terrible, really terrible, to watch someone you love destroy themselves with alcohol. There really is nothing you can do. He has to want to stop for himself.

His parents are as deeply in denial as he is.

All you could do is tell him that you will support him every step of the way, IF he gets the help he needs. But there is no point in telling him that unless he is sober. You actually enable him further to entertain him on the phone when he is drunk. And given you live with a new bf, it's unlikely you could follow through on such a promise without placing guilt on him in recovery.

Really, you should go to Alanon because clearly you have been affected by someone else's drinking. But you have a new life and a new bf, so you would probably be better off putting the past behind you and moving on now.

I understand you want to help this guy, but do you want to help him for him or for you? Do you secretly wish if he got better he would sweep you away romantically? The truth is you probably wouldn't like the changed sober him, and he probably wouldn't like you when you no longer pandered to his addiction. It's a common problem in recovery that people change and see their old partner differently.

I'm sorry, but I think you should leave him to it and concentrate on your own life now.

Raminahobbin

I know it's hard, but you really, really need to walk away from this one.

You sound like you still feel personally responsible for him, and if you don't want to risk jeopardising your current relationship it's very important that you cut ties. Unfortunately with something like alcoholism, there is not a soul on the planet who can help the person unless they want help. Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom in order to be able to do this, and the kindest thing you can do for him (and for you) right now is remove yourself from his life.

I know it seems the exact opposite of what every part of you is screaming at you to do- believe me, I've been there. I had to watch someone throw their home, their family, their job, their friends (and me) away before I finally stepped back fully. THEN they got help and are rebuilding their life. It wouldn't have happened if I had stuck around. It's not your problem any more. It's got nothing to do with you. In fact, you may be stalling the process by hanging around and delaying him from the lesson he needs.

Neyite

Op, you sound like a very caring person. I think if you want to try to help, you firstly need to know what help you can give. Often, unless the alcoholic wants to work hard at beating their addiction all the best efforts from you are useless. Contact Al-Anon. You might find a lot of helpful information.

taytobreath

It sounds to me like this poor man needs someones help, he has lost his long term girlfriend, he has lost his family and he has lost his job, which every poster here has to keep in mind.
Yes, help him as long as you feel that it can be kept on a friendship level.

Raminahobbin

taytobreath wrote: »

It sounds to me like this poor man needs someones help, he has lost his long term girlfriend, he has lost his family and he has lost his job, which every poster here has to keep in mind.
Yes, help him as long as you feel that it can be kept on a friendship level.

With an addiction such as alcoholism, it's an exceptionally difficult and traumatic thing for someone to be close to and exposed to. Often it involves the person who is trying to help having their head twisted in knots; feelings of blame, worry, guilt, self doubt and shame. The sense of personal responsibility for the decisions of the alcoholic is poisonous.

At a certain point self-preservation needs to kick in and distance needs to be established. There's nothing you can do for someone who doesn't genuinely want help: often it just feels like you're throwing energy into a bottomless pit.

Yes, people need support when they seek help- but aside from the risk to the OP of being let down, again, you could argue that due to the emotional history between the OP and her ex, she's one of the worst people to help him. There's probably all sorts of triggers and muckiness from the past between them that would actually damage his recovery should he seek to go down that route.

taytobreath

Raminahobbin wrote: »

With an addiction such as alcoholism, it's an exceptionally difficult and traumatic thing for someone to be close to and exposed to. Often it involves the person who is trying to help having their head twisted in knots; feelings of blame, worry, guilt, self doubt and shame. The sense of personal responsibility for the decisions of the alcoholic is poisonous.

At a certain point self-preservation needs to kick in and distance needs to be established. There's nothing you can do for someone who doesn't genuinely want help: often it just feels like you're throwing energy into a bottomless pit.

Yes, people need support when they seek help- but aside from the risk to the OP of being let down, again, you could argue that due to the emotional history between the OP and her ex, she's one of the worst people to help him. There's probably all sorts of triggers and muckiness from the past between them that would actually damage his recovery should he seek to go down that route.

he has been crying down the phone to the op. its the only person he feels that can help him.
edit
I reread your post again. yes you are right but if she considers this to be a friend that she needs to help she should help him, alcoholics are not the enemy and they can be cured

Raminahobbin

taytobreath wrote: »

he has been crying down the phone to the op. is that not a cry for help from the right person who is the o.p.

Not necessarily. He might have hit a low point but only he will know if it's low enough for him to finally be spurred on to seek professional help. The OP is not the right person to help him right now, and should encourage him to seek professional help.

taytobreath

Raminahobbin wrote: »

Not necessarily. He might have hit a low point but only he will know if it's low enough for him to finally be spurred on to seek professional help. The OP is not the right person to help him right now, and should encourage him to seek professional help.

absolutely, and she is the one to give him the advice he needs and trusts the most, because at the moment he is the one he cares for more than anyone else.
even though the op has moved on with her life,but he hasnt

AJG

There's not really much you can do imo. Only the alcoholic can break the cycle themselves. They may one day come to this realisation or it may never happen. I think if you allow yourself to get sucked back in it'll be detrimental to you and you may end up been dragged down by this person. It's heartbreaking but unless they want to seek help there's not much you can do. The essay in the link below helped me to come to terms with a close relative who has issues with alcohol and is in denial. I'm not sure if it will be any use to you but it gave me some solace. (It's a transcription of a pamphlet that Al-Anon distribute).

http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm

LegacyUser

op i dont think you are doing it because you like him i think you i think you see wasted potential or feel guilty. but you can only help him so much. if you help him too much you will be making him worse eg by giving him money, doing the housework he isnt doing getting his shopping etc will only be enabling.

go online and get a few printouts of the dangers of drinking, how to stop, local aa, college courses etc and leave them with him tell him he can only help himself. the printouts will show him someone cares but dont let him think you two have a chance. then remove yourselve from the situation

i have 2 of my friends trying to help boyfriends and ex-boyfriends come of drink or drugs they ended up either burning themselves out or thinking they did too much or not enough

dont let his parents put any guilt onto you

username123

taytobreath wrote: »

he has been crying down the phone to the op. its the only person he feels that can help him.
edit
I reread your post again. yes you are right but if she considers this to be a friend that she needs to help she should help him, alcoholics are not the enemy and they can be cured

You've no idea who else he cries to and what he says yo them when he is making these calls drunk, he more than likely doesn't even remember the sell, yet the OP is badly affected by it. This is where the disparity in dealing with an alcoholic comes in, they do and say all sorts, none of it means jack until they seek help sober. Meanwhile the OP and anyone else in the life of the alcoholic us emotionally worn out from it, without the luxury of the alcohol wiping the memory of these huge emotional upheavals away.

Alcoholics are not the enemy, but their addiction makes them selfish, manipulative, self centered and sometimes very nasty individuals. They cannot be 'cured', they can choose to control their addiction of not.

Raminahobbin

taytobreath wrote: »

she should help him

Ahhh the 'should' - Taytobreath, with all due respect, the 'should' here is along similar lines as victim blaming for rape. You're saying that she loses something if she chooses to step away from him, which is exactly why many people find themselves burnt out dealing with toxic relationships. They feel they 'should' be able to manage and that they have failed if they can't. They don't notice the damage being done to themselves until it becomes severe.

The mentality of self-sacrifice to help others is deeply, deeply flawed. Empathy should be the reason for why she does what she does, not the mode through which she does what she does. It's better for the OPs ex to hit rock bottom, sooner- nothing good comes from being an enabler to his behaviour.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all for your replies. It gave me great comfort reading through them all.

I think the world of my ex & I know a part of me will always love him but it stops there.
Its very difficult to explain as I don't fully understand it myself. I am happy where I am with my own life now, I've got a great bf & we love each other.
I could never go back to the old life I had - sleepless nights worrying about my ex, wondering if he was okay, where he was, who he was with, was he in hospital, had he been arrested.
Its like he's these 2 completely different people - the sober him is the guy I fell in love with, he would have moved mountains for me and then the drunken him is the guy that destroyed us & a little part of me. I remember being on different nights out with him, and if I stayed close by him things would be fine, but the minute I turned my back to talk to somebody he was sneak off to the bar & order his doubles and just down them. It came to the stage that I wouldn't even allow myself to go to the toilet on nights out so this wouldn't happen. I can still remember the sick feeling I would get in my tummy when we got a wedding invitation or a party invite.
I couldn't go back to all that now.

When we spoke the last night he told me that he hates speaking to people now, he turns his phone off and tries to shut the world out. He must be suffering from depression too and this will be as a result of the alcohol.

I spent 6 years of my life with him & at the time I never imagined life without him. I feel so so helpless watching him destroy himself. I wish I had a magic wand

Emme

You can't help an alcoholic. The only person who can help an alcoholic is themselves.

Mayboy

I think you are great, to think about him with such compassion. But only he can make the step to change, sometimes it has to get to the very bottom to see that we can go no further.
I wish you both all the luck in the world in dealing with this, life is so precious and if we're an addict or an alcoholic it can be hard to see that. Your job is to let him know you are there but are not a constant sounding board and the healthiest way to be is to continually say that he should seek professional help - he has a choice every day, however hard it seems. Good luck.

xzanti

This is HIS journey and HIS struggle.

You are burdening yourself and compromising your current relationship worrying about this man..

As said already.. only HE can come to the realisation that he needs help.. you mentioned that he has acknowledged that he has a problem.. that's the first of many steps for him..

Nobody can carry him through this.. he needs to do it on his own if he is to do it at all.

Good on you for worrying about him and trying to help.. but in my opinion.. you are putting your hand out to be slapped.. specially if, as you say his parents will blame you? You don't need that!

That's just my 2 cents.