Thinking of leaving father of my baby - not sure what to do

mangotracy

Hey,

I can't bring myself to forgive my partner, but I really, really am trying. There are several kids involved (we both have some) who have all benefited from a good, stable family home. And I thought I had found my perfect man. But my partner texted other women while I was pregnant with our child. They were flirtations, he met and kissed some but that was it.

He also contacted his ex girlfriend when our baby was born. She contacted him first, flirtatiously, and they talked about me as if our relationship was over. She has always acted like she can still sleep with him (they were 'friends' that meant she flirted in front of me, texted and talked about me but ignored me while we were out). That really hurt as she is still part of our social circle and acts like she has done nothing wrong at all.

I finally left him a few months ago after I found out about these. But I have gone back to him after he said he'd been an idiot and to be fair he's been completely amazing to me since I've got back.

He never goes out on his own, he gives me access to his phone, he's the man he once was when I first met him. He used to really love me and treats me better than anyone I've ever met.

I've been back a couple of months but it's so difficult to trust again. I find it incredibly painful, as he's who I want in life. And yet I fear it may be too tainted by his actions. I particularly find it hard to forgive his flirtations with his ex girlfriend. He's stopped all contact, but it's hard to move on.

Has anyone else had experience of getting over a spouse's or boyfriends affair? Is it really possible? How do you live with it?

ElleEm

It sounds like you really love him, and that he is really trying to mend his relationship with you.

Have you spoken about counselling? It would be a great place for you both to air your concerns and fears in a safe place and receive some impartial advice on how to move forward.

mangotracy

Yes we did speak about counselling a while ago. I'm in two minds, as I think I am in danger of over obsessing about the other women and would spend time talking about them.

But I don't know how to let this contact with other women go. Perhaps it's too late to let it go. I had once had the idea that his ex and him should both apologise to me. One or two other women, more random 'strangers' I contacted directly, I got their numbers from his phone. I wasn't unkind to them, just explained that they probably didn't realise he was in a relationship. It was strange but I got a kind of peace of mind from this brief contact. They apologised and although a couple of them were in contact with him whilst the baby was only a few weeks old, because they didn't know, it was easier to forgive them and let it go.

How do I get his ex out of my head? That's harder, because she never apologised, never felt shame and yet knew I was with living with him. She stirred up talk of our relationship, initiated contact, acted like she cared about whether we were together but actually talked about me as if I was a deluded loser who was hanging on to him and stopping him living his life. She basically hinted she would have slept with him if I wasn't there and comisserated that 'she can't see it's better for her to leave you'. I feel just as much anger about this for Dave, I had told him I didn't trust his ex, and said she would poison or relationship if he continued to let her contact him. He said he'd understood and ended their 'friendship'. Apparently! It's like I need some 'closure' to quote a bit of an americanism.

December2012

Go for relation ship counselling to sort out these feelings and so that your relationship gets better.

Pawwed Rig

People can be a bit dumb when it comes to their ex. They sometimes do not realise the effect it has on their current partners. Dave in this case seems to have realised that it was hurting you and is making an effort for the sake of your relationship. I would echo the calls here for you to goto counselling together. Trust takes time to rebuild but it is not impossible.

mangotracy

Thank you all, I needed to rant a little bit about the women he'd cheated on me with, to varying degrees but it was all cheating. I'll consider counselling again.