I ended relationship - why am I still crying?

LegacyUser

I have just gotten out of what I would consider, an emotionally abusive relationship. I say I would consider it that way, because of course my partner didn't, and had me convinced I was 'just over-sensitive'

I am late 30s and we were together a while, and living together. Nothing I could do was right in his eyes. He spent most of our relationship trying to 'fix' me. I would inevitably tell him he was right, and I appreciated his 'help', but deep down, I knew he should just have accepted me for who I am. It was all small things, but there were alot of them - apparently, I couldn't drive (although I had been driving for 10yrs without an accident before we met), I had dreadful taste in tv, I was too messy around the house, I couldn't close the car door properly, I didn't make the bed properly, I shouldn't put the clothes on the rads to dry and on and on.
Yes, I know he may have been right in many things (I am particularly messy), but it was like I had been one person, and when he came along, I became this other person, who wanted to please him by doing everything the way he thought it should be done.

I found the strength recently to end it. It has been quite amicable, although he is texting as if we haven't split and even last night, asked me if I would consider going to his work xmas party with him...despite me telling him many times that we both need to move on.

My problem here is that I cannot stop crying about him, and about the life I thought I was going to have with him..we had plans to buy a house, get married etc...but my gut kept telling me that these little things were all wrong, and that they would just get worse...so WHY am I so upset?? I would mention little things to friends or family, and assumed most peoples partners annoyed them, and that you just get on with it....Even typing the tears are flowing down my face...I know I don't want him back and that I did the right thing for me...so WHY am I not just delighted he is no longer in my life (because this was how I thought I would feel)....

Call Me Jimmy

The crying is natural, please keep it up for as long as you feel it. I wish I could cry more, it's an amazing release and I don't understand, frankly why anyone would find it a problem.

But I guess you mean you're feeling bad about the relationship ending, and here's the best part:

This person was manipulative and negative towards you. From what you write, this was to an extent that you had to change quite significantly. **** that to be honest. Seriously **** that. I would say you are free now, like me trying to quit the smokes. Whenever I pine for a cigarette (you for your ex) just remember that you are free. You know it was not right, I have felt the way you felt where you know someone is doing something to you that doesn't feel right and you end up AGREEING and THANKING them for it which feels like a violation.

So the change in circumstances is going to affect you, being single right after being in a relationship is an insecure time. But please remember what you are worth. I'm not one of them 'you go girl' types but I know what being around a person like that is like and you were being stifled. Try and think of it as freedom from that awful feeling of someone controlling you.

As you know if you had gotten into a deeper commitment it would have been more and more of you that you sacrificed and you would have felt trapped and ending up being completely controlled.

All the best

Stavro Mueller

Don't beat yourself up for crying. Why wouldn't you? You've lost the person you loved and invested so much of yourself in. I bet you feel lonely and vulnerable at the moment despite your being glad that it's over. Don't forget either that by breaking up with this guy, you've had to put on hold two big milestones in most people's lives - buying a house and getting married. Don't be ashamed to cry - it'll help you get the heartache out of your system.

The one thing I would advise you to do though is to cut contact with your ex. Hearing from him isn't going to do you any good as you try to get over this relationship. Forget about things being amicable - you're better off without this man in your life from now on. Ask him not to contact you any more. If he refuses, you can block his number if you've got a smartphone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I did block him originally, as he was texting me the day after we split, and he wouldn't stop. Unfortunately, although my netwok state clearly on their website that a number can be blocked, they blocked about 15 other numbers along with his number!! I hadn't heard back from friends or family for a few days after the split and was very low - a friend of mine dropped into my job telling me she had sent me numerous texts etc, none of which I had gotten. So I had to undo the 'blocking' service.

I was feeling pretty vulnerable today when I wrote the post - I still know it was the right thing to do though.

Stavro Mueller

If you can't block him (assuming you've not got a smartphone) then just delete each of his texts as they come in. Don't reply to them no matter what you do. It's what he wants.