Bf not answering his ex in front of me but he calls her back

LegacyUser

So my bf of almost a year and I were both in the car the other day and his ex rang him on the phone. I know they text each other and stuff and she used to call him a lot in the beginning of our relationship looking for attention and he always ignored her. (Or that's what I thought he was doing)

So his ex rings and he says 'will you answer the phone and tell her that he's not allowed to talk to his ex. That you will go to xxxx and break her legs?' At that stage I felt very uncomfortable cuz I knew she contacts him looking for attention every now and then telling him things like she's lonely and stuff. I told him to answer the phone and he said he won't. Then he dropped me off and went back to his place.

Later I asked him about it because i had a weird niggling feeling about it and he told me that he rang her back after he dropped me off and that her car was broken. I asked him why he didnt answer the phone in front of me and he said it's cuz it's awkward. Then he sent me their txt msg history and i could see he wasnt being flirtatious but he was sympathising with her and she was blatantly showing her emotions.

I told him how uncomfortable that made me as I was cheated by my last partner and he said that he will ignore her from now on. He says he 'knows it's wrong to talk to her' but he still does it? He says it's because she's a good person and he feels sorry for her. But it doesn't bother him if he doesn't talk to her. But then when I asked 'But you still want to talk to her though, be honest' and he said 'Yeah, just a chitchat. It's just for a laugh.'

I decided to give him another chance but I have a feeling that she will probably contact him again and he will again entertain her wishes. Tbf, he never initiates the contact but he mostly answers her texts. Also, she still calls him by the nickname she used to use during their relationship which ended 2 years ago. (She cheated on him)

Am I overreacting to think that he will talk to her and keep feeding her the attention she craves or is that really not a big deal? The reason I'm confused is because he says one thing (she's a c**t, she's crazy, it's wrong to talk to her) but then he does the other (ring her back when she calls him, answers her txt msgs, shows sympathy to her txts).

I'm also wondering if I find him talking to her again, should this be a dealbreaker? it is very important that I should be able to trust my partner due to my personal history.

Big Bag of Chips

You are the only person who knows whether or not this should be a deal breaker. Nobody else can tell you that.

The one thing you need to figure out though, is are you bothered because she's an ex, or would it bother you if she was just a friend he knew before he started going out with you.

From what you say, he is just being polite to her. He's not leading her on. He doesn't encourage contact, he just replies to her. Only you know if you can trust him. He seems to be honest with you about his contact with her. And he sounds like a nice fella, who just doesn't want to ignore her.

You can't hold your ex boyfriend up against your current boyfriend. They are different people, and regardless of what you do.. your bf is either the type to cheat on you or he's not.

blatantrereg

Maybeormaybenot wrote: »

So my bf of almost a year and I were both in the car the other day and his ex rang him on the phone. I know they text each other and stuff and she used to call him a lot in the beginning of our relationship looking for attention and he always ignored her. (Or that's what I thought he was doing)

So his ex rings and he says 'will you answer the phone and tell her that he's not allowed to talk to his ex. That you will go to xxxx and break her legs?' At that stage I felt very uncomfortable cuz I knew she contacts him looking for attention every now and then telling him things like she's lonely and stuff. I told him to answer the phone and he said he won't. Then he dropped me off and went back to his place.

Later I asked him about it because i had a weird niggling feeling about it and he told me that he rang her back after he dropped me off and that her car was broken. I asked him why he didnt answer the phone in front of me and he said it's cuz it's awkward. Then he sent me their txt msg history and i could see he wasnt being flirtatious but he was sympathising with her and she was blatantly showing her emotions.

I told him how uncomfortable that made me as I was cheated by my last partner and he said that he will ignore her from now on. He says he 'knows it's wrong to talk to her' but he still does it? He says it's because she's a good person and he feels sorry for her. But it doesn't bother him if he doesn't talk to her. But then when I asked 'But you still want to talk to her though, be honest' and he said 'Yeah, just a chitchat. It's just for a laugh.'

I decided to give him another chance but I have a feeling that she will probably contact him again and he will again entertain her wishes. Tbf, he never initiates the contact but he mostly answers her texts. Also, she still calls him by the nickname she used to use during their relationship which ended 2 years ago. (She cheated on him)

Am I overreacting to think that he will talk to her and keep feeding her the attention she craves or is that really not a big deal? The reason I'm confused is because he says one thing (she's a c**t, she's crazy, it's wrong to talk to her) but then he does the other (ring her back when she calls him, answers her txt msgs, shows sympathy to her txts).

I'm also wondering if I find him talking to her again, should this be a dealbreaker? it is very important that I should be able to trust my partner due to my personal history.

I think it's a bad idea to unilaterally decide whom he can and cannot talk to. You need to be able to trust someone because you believe they wouldn't betray you - not because you can control them. You sound like you are being very controlling as a result of insecurity. People are far less likely to be honest with you if you overreact to things you don't want to hear, or are unreasonable.

Wednesday Addams

If he talks to her, it's because he wants to - he's not doing it to be a martyr. In fairness OP, it's nothing to do with you and I don't mean to be harsh but it's really not. They have a history and they're friends now. If you trust him, then it's not an issue and if you don't trust him then that's the issue - not her.

im confused again

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You can't hold your ex boyfriend up against your current boyfriend. They are different people, and regardless of what you do.. your bf is either the type to cheat on you or he's not.

I don't totally agree with this. A partner could be totally trustworthy but for some reason ends up in a situation, like a drunk night out or whatever, makes a mistake and then regrets it 2 minutes later, but the deed is done. So sometimes it can be about avoiding potential situations that can lead to this, which I know is impossible to do all the time but sometimes its easy to avoid the obvious ones.

Your boyfriend seems like a nice sympathetic guy, but I think, one year on it is more important to respect your feelings than his ex. Once he sends out a clear message, she will move on, but not until he makes it clear.

LegacyUser

By no means am I trying to be controlling although as bad as it might sound.

I never said anything about him talking to his ex - it is always himself who makes a comment saying things like 'Oh it's my ex, I'm not answering that'. He would say this in front of me but when I'm not around, he answers her. That's the bigger problem.

I also don't understand why he can't answer her calls in front of me. That's another issue. If my ex called me, I'd answer him straight away because I have nothing to hide nor is there anything inappropriate that I would say.

He has other female friends he texts and talks to on the phone sometimes and I have no problem whatsoever with that cuz I know they are his friends. I also have no problem with him being friends with his ex as long as the boundaries are there.

I just don't like the fact that he is the recipient of her moans and that he willingly accommodated her for the past year. I've told him this already and he said he will not answer her anymore.

I'm just wondering whether I'm overreacting and overthinking this?

JaneeMack

I think being friends with an ex is always an awkward grey area. Personally, I'm not friends with any of my ex's except for the last one but I wouldn't even call him a friend - it's more we're on talking terms asking about how we are but that's about it.

He says he will ignore her so I think he does care about how you feel about the situation. But I do agree that him not answering her calls in front of you is a bit squeamish - surely if he has nothing to hide then he can answer her on the phone.

I'd say defo give the guy a benefit of doubt. When it comes down to the dealbreaker, think about how important this is in your relationship. If it bothers you that much, you probably shouldn't let it stress you out so much and just move on.

Big Bag of Chips

im confused again wrote: »

A partner could be totally trustworthy but for some reason ends up in a situation, like a drunk night out or whatever, makes a mistake and then regrets it 2 minutes later, but the deed is done.

Ah, I know that.. but in that case the OP's bf could be just as worried about her cheating on him!

You can never be 100% sure about someone, OP. And someone can make you all the promises in the world, and genuinely mean them, and still end up in the situation that 'im confused again' mentions.

But if you were to live your life waiting for the possibility of that 2 minute mistake, then you'd never live.

You say she texts 'looking for attention.' What sort of attention? Maybe your "attention" is her chit-chat?

They might just "be friends" but because she's an ex, you're deeply suspicious... Maybe she IS after him. But she'll get nowhere if he isn't after her.

m'lady

I agree, being friends with an ex can be a grey area,I am only friends with one ex and that's because we have a child together, other exes no way- they are an ex for a reason and treated me bad in a relationship so why the hell would I want to be friends with them?!? Also it is difficult on the persons new partner..

Your boyfriend does sound like he's happy for her to contact him, but not encouraging it.. Personally I'd tread carefully as if you kick up too much then he may just not tell you when she's calling and it could then become 'their secret'.

Wednesday Addams

Maybeormaybenot wrote: »

By no means am I trying to be controlling although as bad as it might sound.

I never said anything about him talking to his ex - it is always himself who makes a comment saying things like 'Oh it's my ex, I'm not answering that'. He would say this in front of me but when I'm not around, he answers her. That's the bigger problem.

I also don't understand why he can't answer her calls in front of me. That's another issue. If my ex called me, I'd answer him straight away because I have nothing to hide nor is there anything inappropriate that I would say.

He has other female friends he texts and talks to on the phone sometimes and I have no problem whatsoever with that cuz I know they are his friends. I also have no problem with him being friends with his ex as long as the boundaries are there.

I just don't like the fact that he is the recipient of her moans and that he willingly accommodated her for the past year. I've told him this already and he said he will not answer her anymore.

I'm just wondering whether I'm overreacting and overthinking this?

I do understand the insecurity but you need to see that it's insecurity that is the issue, not your BF and his ex. I think you're over-thinking it. Try not to think of her as an ex, think of her as a friend. I have lots of male friends who I've dated in the past and I wouldn't see the issue in taking their calls privately. In fact, I'd be fairly pissed if a BF tried to tell me what to do in that regard.

JaneeMack

Wednesday Addams wrote: »

I have lots of male friends who I've dated in the past and I wouldn't see the issue in taking their calls privately.

I'm just wondering why would you take their calls privately? Why can't you talk to them in front of your partner?

Wednesday Addams

JaneeMack wrote: »

I'm just wondering why would you take their calls privately? Why can't you talk to them in front of your partner?

Well I like talking to my friends privately in general, why would I want to have those conversations in front of someone else? It's none of your partners business really, they're your friends. It's not that I have a problem with it, in that if one of them called me for a quick chat I'd chat away in front of a partner - but if it was a proper conversation I'm not going to sit there talking in front of someone - I'd consider that rude to both parties.

adraigh

Can I just ask something for context, what was the nature of the break-up between the your bf and his ex? Did he end it? Did she? Was it mutual?

LegacyUser

She cheated on him and they were still together for a while and eventually they broke up.

He was with another girl before he met me but they were in a casual relationship.

The reason I think she is looking for attention is, according to the chat history he sent me, she sends him random photos or youtube links and always starts up a conversation. But this always leads to her being alone, lonely and needing someone to rely on or to hold her or that she's thick and that he needs to show her how to do things etc. She knows he is in a relationship with me.

I don't think my bf is doing anything wrong. He is just answering her rather than ignoring her and like one of the people said above, he probably wants to talk to her, that's probably why he is answering.

While I understand that it is their private conversation, I still don't understand why he doesn't answer her phone when I'm around but he does when I'm not there or he calls her back.

username20131

Hi OP
Given the nature of the end of your last relationship I think that it is unfair for him to expect you to be comfortable with this level of covert communication between him and his ex.
I would explain to him that trust is a major issue for you given that you came out of a cheating relationship and that the oddness around talking to his ex in front of you is creating a problem for you in letting him earn your trust fully.
Ball is in his court then as to whether he could be bothered answering her calls. After all you are the girlfriend and she is the ex.

loalae

I think you need to ask yourself whether or not you trust him. Needing him to send his chat history with this girl is, imho, very needy and kind of controlling. If someone asked me to do this I'd tell them to f**k off!

This isn't about him and his ex, it's about your insecurity. Obviously he can reassure you but it's up to you whether or not you believe him. If you don't believe him or trust him, why ever are you with him?

LegacyUser

Op here

I didn't request him to send that to me. He sent it saying that he has nothing to hide. I said I don't want to see it and he told me to delete it then. He's sending it anyway.

I understand that my insecurity is the major issue here and I'm starting to think maybe I should just give him another chance. I don't think he hasn't done anything wrong other than just giving his ex some attention and sympathy. As much as I'm jealous of the fact that he is actually responding to her request, I think he hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Thanks all for your comments.

P. Breathnach

There is one respect in which he might be doing something wrong: from what you say about the type of messages she sends, it seems possible that she is still interested in a relationship with him. If she wants more from him than he is willing to give her, that might be why he feels awkward taking her calls when you are present.

But even if that is the situation, it does not mean that he is seriously out of order. I'd class it as poor judgement on his part. Perhaps he is too nice to say a firm no to communicating with her. But if she hopes to rekindle the flame, then he should cut all contact - partly for her sake, but principally out of respect for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input. Yeah, that's what I thought. After all, it is very weird that he didn't answer the call from her. He answers all other calls in front of me with no bother at all whatever the nature of the call is. It is only when she calls, he doesn't answer even when I tell him to go ahead and answer it, that it doesn't bother me. She also calls him with the bf nickname she used to have for him and he always responded to that.

I talked to him last night and apologised for my sillyness, told him that he can talk to whomever he wants and that I'm really ok with them still being friends as long as the boundaries are there. He said it is best that he stops talking to her and that it is wrong that he still speaks with her (after almost a year with me!!). I don't know why he calls it 'wrong' if he hasn't done anything?! He keeps insisting that she has no other intentions (even though her messages and pictures say otherwise) and nor does he.

I suppose I will just try and trust him more since there was no ground to believe that he was trying to do anything.

CaraMay

Op there are two red flags here for me. 1- why is he calling it wrong if it's innocent and 2- why is he insisting its innocent on her part when it clearly isn't. I would be on friendly terms with some of my ex's as we just drifted apart and the relationship fizzled out so no one was badly hurt but why would you stay friends with someone who cheated on you? There is something strange here and while you are not ready to finish him yet, I would proceed with eyes and ears open if I were you.

LegacyUser

That's precisely what I thought. I don't know why he says it is wrong if he hasn't done anything other than just talking to her via txt and phone.

The reason I got so obsessed about this is because I recently started to feel like I'm developing love for him - like I'm on the verge of saying I love you but I really don't want to get hurt again.

I'm giving him another chance but I will definitely keep my eyes and ears open. He says he won't talk to her behind my back and that he will ignore her from now on. I suppose if he starts talking to her again, I'll know that he isn't very serious about us (or rather my feelings) and that will be a clear sign for me then.

Thanks for your comment.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't read too much into him saying it's wrong. I think it's just a word he's using. He probably means that he shouldn't really be in contact with his ex, if he is in a relationship. Not because there's anything wrong with it, or that he is tempted/flattered by her... But purely because you don't like or, so he shouldn't do it.

I'm explaining that really badly, but I hope you know what I mean. He seems like an honest enough fella. I'd say not answering her in front of you is more out of awkwardness than it being "wrong". Again, not awkwardness that they shouldn't be in contact, but awkwardness in that the gf is on one side, and the ex on the other.

He has been open about it. He doesn't seem interested in anything extra with her. He's just being nice in replying, rather than ignoring her.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is if you look hard enough for something, you will find it.... Even if it's not there!