I'm not sure what to do with him...

LegacyUser

Let's start at the start...

I randomly met this guy on a night out about a year ago. We instantly hit it off - we had very similar interests, moved in similar circles, he was handsome in his own way and funny. We talked all night and although nothing happened we exchanged details and said we'd keep in contact.

Since then started talking a lot - most of the time messages back and forth throughout the day, joking around, meeting up for coffee etc. All platonic (although there would be some mutual jokey flirting) but he became a good friend of mine and someone I value having in my life greatly - the sort of guy that would drop everything to help someone out if they needed it.

Anyway, over time I developed a bit of a crush on him. He's been single for a long enough time for one reason or another, and I had recently broken up with my boyfriend. One night we were out, and drink was imbibed and we kissed. I confessed I liked him, and he said it was mutual - happy days. He's strange in the sense that he has no social problems whatsoever - he isn't shy, he's into politics and public speaking etc, any time I introduce him to a group of my friends he can work the room like nobodies business - as I said, he's absolutely not shy but aside from some jokey flirting over messaging he never really gave any solid indications and it took him ages to work up the courage to kiss me it seems - which I don't get because he's a confident person.

So, we were basically seeing each other for about a month - it wasn't anything serious, we didn't have sex or anything, it was innocent and lovely and neither of us seemed to want to put a name on it or rush it but that was OK by both of us. My mind was still in a bit of a mess over my previous breakup and he had such a busy life because of work etc that we could only meet infrequently (maybe once or twice a week) anyway. We didn't discuss it but I thought we shared the understanding at least that it wasn't serious yet as such and maybe we did in fairness, and I'm just reading too much into it.

Anyhow, during this my recent exe and I started talking again. He begged me to give it another go with him and, after saying I'd think about it and like a fool - I decided I'd give it another go. I wasn't sure how to approach it with the guy, so I didn't really contact or respond to him for a few days while I figured it out - not maliciously or anything, just didn't check my facebook messages etc (this wouldn't have been considered rude with us - we just leave each other messages and get back to each other when we can generally etc). But the guys birthday came up and he asked me to go, so of course I had to and wanted to - as I said, this guy is important to me.

When we and his friends were out for drinks for it, he tried to put his arm around me and I decided to take the plunge and call a halt before anyone got hurt. I called him away for a few minutes and explained the situation with my exe etc, etc. He tried to put a happy face on it, told me the exe was a lucky guy, if I ever had a change of heart, but in the meantime lets go back to being friends etc. He was making an effort to pretend it didn't affect him (whether for my benefit or his) but I could tell he was disappointed and he seemed a bit sad for the rest of the night.

Turns out I was a fool to give my exe another shot - he was continuing to see the girl he was cheating on me the first time with on the side, so I broke up with him for good this time - you live, you make mistakes, you learn I guess. This was only about a month later and I was still talking regularly with the guy. I explained what happened with the exe, half in conversation, half hoping he'd understand the hint if he was still interested I guess because he still wasn't seeing anyone himself. Anyway, we met up a few times after that and he didn't try it on or drop any indications aside from his usual playful flirting so I supposed he'd gotten over it and lost interest.

This is where the complication lies - I was at an event in the last week and there was celebrations and me and a different guy ended up having a liason. No big deal, just a bit of drunken fun. I got back and I tried laughing about it with the guy tonight and while he tried to joke around with me he sort of clammed up and got finicky when it was mentioned, although he didn't say anything. This isn't the first time this has happened. Now I feel like a b*tch for bringing it up, but we always used to talk love-life and I thought we could still do that...

I'm still really attracted to this guy, but I don't want to push the issue myself because I broke it off with him last time and I don't want to be the one to risk our friendship, which is important to me. The ball is in his court, and I'm almost sure he still likes me but for a confident guy in every other aspect he's almost automatically evasive when it comes to expressing romantic feelings (it took enough hinting from me to get him to take the plunge last time) and if he's hesitant after last time I guess I can't say I blame him...

But if he won't make a move then I really want to keep the friendship because he's important to me, but I need to move on with my romantic life but I feel like I'd be risking that friendship if I did that. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm not sure what to do about it but it's driving me nuts...

Anyway, thanks for reading - it was good to get my thoughts down anyway...

Chara1001

I dunno op,

It sounds like you're not really into this guy- you chose to give it another go with your ex over him when things were starting to heat up between you, and you told him about another man you met out while drunk.
I'm a bit surprised you told him about it, no wonder he clammed up, it seems insensitive as he clearly likes you- also while you were out with his friends, you put a halt to it when he put his arm around you. Now he did this in front of his friends- that was a kind of statement don't you think?

I think you should leave him alone for a while, from what you wrote he really did like you but if I was in his shoes, I'd be thinking that you were just killing time with me while waiting for someone better.

Sorry op, i don;t mean to be harsh, this is just how it comes across to me.

JaneeMack

Why do you think that you are risking this friendship if you move on with your romantic life?

Why aren't you asking him how he feels before you actually decide whether you want to move on?

I dont think it is a good idea to discuss your love life with someone you still have feelings for? You can still be friends with him and talk about all the other stuff but you don't have to tell him about all the guys you're having 'fun' with. You can have different kind of with him and still remain friends without being awkward.

It sounds like you still have a huge crush on this guy so I'd just ask him straight away whether there's a chance you two could go out.

Virgil°

In my experience OP you can't be friends with this guy, you're kidding nobody but yourself here. He's obviously interested in more than that. And so are you.

With regards to the relationship side. All you can do is test the waters again and see if he'll give you another chance.
Although there are two things to be said about that.

1. I would question just how much you really are into this guy after you so easily cast him aside for your ex. Or possibly you're still too hung up on your ex to be ready for a relationship.

2. As per the above he's probably questioning this too. You've already ditched him once. In his mind, who's to say you won't again? That's what I'd be thinking anyway, he may be different.

You've also told him that you were fooling around with other guys on top of this. Not sure what your strategy was there. It just all sounds far too messy OP. Relationships at the early stages are supposed to be fun and uncomplicated and what you've put this guy though is anything but. Were it me, you wouldn't see me for the dust. But that's me.

My advise would be, to make your intentions clear and then leave this guy alone to make the decision. Then respect whichever route he takes and go from there.

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like the ball is in your court not his. You messed him around already with your ex and then told him all about your night with the other guy. As far as he is concerned you aren't interested in him romantically so if you are, it is up to you to make the move with him. As others have already said though, are you really that interested in him? You would want to be sure this time!

LegacyUser

Morrigan626 wrote: »

The ball is in his court,

Considering you did the dumping, I wouldn't say the ball is in his court at all. If you want to try again with this guy it's up to you imo. I'd be apologetic if I were you, getting back with your ex, ignoring the guy instead of telling him, then breaking it to him on his birthday night out, bad form IMO.

ManOfMystery

I don't think you've been very fair to this guy OP to be honest, whether it was intentional or not. Your actions scream "I'm not that into you", yet your post here implies that you want something to happen.

I would just question how serious your intentions are towards him when you can drop him for a cheating ex, give him the heave ho on his birthday night (could you not have told him before then?), and then decide it's a good idea to tell this guy about your other liaisons when he's clearly into you. It seems to me that you're just settling for him as there's no-one better around currently, and if I was in his shoes, I'd feel very much like #2 instead of #1.

I have to agree with the others; you've sent him mixed signals so I think the ball is very much in your court now with regards to how things proceed.

Ande1975

Op,

I'm strugging to understand the real issue here but it reads to me like you are not all that into him either. For instance, your thread title - 'I'm not sure what to do with him' - suggests an issue with not being able to handle a child/partner but certainly not what you have described.
Again, it reads to me that perhaps you need him to display some sort of grand gesture and coming running without giving away anything about your true feelings.
You presume a lot about how he is feeling (especially when you went back to your ex and when you told him about your hook up). Its like you are trying to force him to $*** or get off the pot.
You've given him way too many mixed messages and your only way to resolve this is to sit him down and say - 'look I like you, I know I behaved confusingly for you but I'd like something to happen between us. If you don't then, I'll be disappointed but I don't want to lose our friendship as it is important to me'.

Be upfront and put yourself out there. Worst case he'll say no. Alternatively let this drag on and resentment and misunderstandings develop and you'll lose him entirely.

Good luck

wersal gummage

I don't wish to be hurtful but if the guy came on here and asked for advice, I suspect he would be told to run a mile as you sound like a lot of hassle, baggage and a bit of a head melt. Again, I'm honestly not trying to be mean. This is probably how he sees things and may explain why he is reluctant to make a move. Telling him about another bloke was a bad move if you really are interested.

I think its your move now and you might have to try convince him you are serious / ready to give something a try this time.

heretochat

Male pride can be a very dangerous animal when wounded and I have to be honest and say that if this guy has one ounce of pride he would not give you the time of day.

If a guy behaved the way you have he would be torn to shreds and rightly so...

So if he gives you another chance more fool him in my opinion as what are the chances you won't dump him again the next time a better option appears?

McDonnellDean

Grab your phone and send him a message, in it say. I know if fecked you around a bit but I really fancy you and would love to give something a shot... Then leave it, if he response, congrats, if not, then you blew it.

Either way all it takes is a simple nudge to find out the lay of the land....

Idle Passerby

Hi OP, This guy really really liked you by the sounds of it. He was single for a good while and took ages to make a move despite being confidant. That suggests it was a very big deal to him and he chooses prospective partners carefully. You're actions are coming across as flitting between available options as they arise rather than carefully considering who it is you want to get involved with.

He must still care for you quite a bit but I would be willing to bet he was very hurt by you dumping him and running back to your ex and then telling him about a casual tryst. You are coming across as flighty and very unreliable to him Id imagine. I would be willing to bet he has been burned by you and is not keen to take that chance again.

The fact that you are jumping between men without too much thought suggests to me that your not ready for a relationship at the moment. I also dont think it would be wise or good for either of you to try to hold onto a friendship after this.

MagicMarker

You sound like an absolute head wrecker to be honest OP.

If I were him you would never have heard from me again after going back to your cheating ex.

When you broke up again this guy probably thought he was getting another chance, and then you go ahead and reveal your sexual exploits to him about some random guy?! You probably devastated him with that little nugget of information.

You need to decide what you want here and fast.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the replies everyone - though harsh and hard to hear, it's warrented. Even reading through what I wrote in the OP has helped me see that I haven't been treating this guy very fairly (funny how getting things down on paper can bring a bit of perspective!).

In terms of calling a halt on his birthday, it's true the timing was unfortunate. I had hoped to go through it with him earlier than that but as I said in the OP, I wasn't sure how to broach the subject with him in the best way until it was too late and he had put his arm around me at the drinks - at that stage it wasn't about being mean or anything, but I had to call a halt both for his sake (if I hadn't dealt with it immediately at that point, the potential for hurting him just would have increased the longer I left it) and mine (as I had foolishly agreed to give my relationship another shot - it wouldn't have done for me to allowed us to be there as a couple). Again, the timing was aweful, and I didn't feel good about it but doing nothing at that stage wasn't an option either.

In terms of him finding out about my recent liason - it was a slip of the tongue on my part. We have an honest friends relationship - we never really kept stuff from one another and we'd constantly be taking the piss out of each other over this stuff. I didn't announce it to make him feel bad or anything - he was telling me some embarassing but amusing story from his week and I just let it slip out in the banter without thinking. He continued to make an effort but he noticably did clam up when I said it, and I immediately regretted saying anything - as I said, I felt like a huge b*tch about it but it wasn't my intention to hurt him, I just managed to stupidly do it anyway it seems.

I don't think I've been very nice to this guy - and I've been somehow completely oblivious to it. I know I come across like a head wrecker here, but I genuinely wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt him.

newuser30

The way I see it is you seemed to lack any confidence with this guy and always felt a little insecure because as you said he gave no solid indication he felt anything for you and you had to confess you liked him because you got nothing from him. It seemed you wanted him to be more definite and not so nonchalant about things, and when the security and familiarity of your ex showed up it felt like what you needed. It seems like he still isn't forthcoming with his feelings so it can be hard to read someone like this, a not so secure person will read it as him not being overly pushed. I know I need a guy to spell out his feelings, and if they don't I'm constantly insecure and not wanting to have to continually put myself out there, while they are hiding their feelings.
So you are not all in the wrong, this guy isn't being clear either, it's confusing because as you say he is super confident. Someone like that you will be thinking is just going to be a natural flirt and wont really have real true feelings for you as you will be thinking he is like that with a lot of women. I think you are going to have to have to see how it goes, stop talking about other men if you truly like him, and if the opportunity arises, lay your cards on the table, tell him you have not been very sure of his feelings and that you do indeed really like him and want to give it a shot.

thefeatheredcat

I can imagine how confusing it must have been for him when he hasn't had an indication where he really stands, except sitting on the "maybe" pile, with a load of confusion swirling around.

Are you interested in pursuing a meaningful committed relationship with this guy?

Is that what you even want right now?

What does he want?

I think you need to be honest and realistic with yourself about him. Your friendship dynamic has changed, what you originally had before the like yous, is gone. You may get it back, but it will never be the same. It won't revert back to how it was, and even if it does, it will be through time. If his friendship really matters to you, then you owe it to him to be upfront and direct with him. As well as honest. Let him know where he stands.

But do you know where you stand, with yourself? What is this guy to you? What do you want to happen? Do you want to maintain a friendship with him? Or pursue a friendship but with the benefits of a relationship, that requires no commitment? Or do you actually want a relationship, with the commitment and without the grey unaddressed, undefined casual whatever?

I don't think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can initiate and open and honest discussion with him about what each of you want and feel. But you don't sound that enthusiastic to do even that, not to protect the friendship, but perhaps maybe to prevent yourself from being honest with yourself? A few posts say you're not into him, I'd have to say I agree because you know this guy is unlikely to risk getting hurt in initiating contact and telling you what he feels yet at the same time you're leaving it up to him to pursue it, incorrectly saying the ball is in his court, when you know he isn't likely to make the first move out of self preservation. If I felt about him what he felt about me, I wouldn't be sitting on my hands doing nothing about it; and even just about saving a very important friendship, I would want that very important friend to know how much I value them as a friend. Anything else really spells out "not that interested".

I'm just throwing out suggestions OP, but I think if you really like this guy - and I mean, really really like him - then you should be the one to initiate a big conversation with him, but only and only if you know yourself what you want and what this guy is to you.

If you're any way confused, or reeling from the ex that cheated on you, then perhaps you are better off taking time out from relationships, sort yourself out, ask yourself what you want and if you really are interested in a committed relationship with this guy, give him space and be single. But for the sake of this guy, don't go blurring the lines of friendship with uncertainty; if you want a friendship have a friendship on a platonic level (no flirting stuff) and if you want a relationship, have a relationship. But let him know where he stands on each. And if he wants more than you want, then you might find that ending the friendship, losing contact is the only thing that can be fair. Anything otherwise is less than what each of you deserve, and preventing both of you in meeting someone who would be on the same page, wanting the same thing as each of you.

FLOWERS1

Hi OP

Only a question but do ya think he could just be your ego boost ??? and that's what your actually attracted to, as
(1) I think that if you really liked him even as a friend or love interest that you would of been a bit more considerate!!
(2) Maybe he was a bit of a pick me up after your cheating boyfriend and
(3) As your wondering how long you have to wait before you can start a new romantic relationship???


Personally I think you should leave him alone, you don't sound that interested and you could end up messing him about!

Mint Aero

Leave him alone OP I think is best bet. I doubt he'd ever give you the time of day again with that carry on.

Dont want to be too harsh but you seem to lack sensitivity or actual awareness of other peoples feelings. I know you say you didn't intentionally mean anything bad etc but those words come across as really empty compared to your actions.

Any bloke here can tell you if a guy is into a girl and had something and she's on about other men let alone a 'liaison' it's a kick in his stomach.

ivytwine

Mint Aero wrote: »

Leave him alone OP I think is best bet. I doubt he'd ever give you the time of day again with that carry on.

Dont want to be too harsh but you seem to lack sensitivity or actual awareness of other peoples feelings. I know you say you didn't intentionally mean anything bad etc but those words come across as really empty compared to your actions.

Any bloke here can tell you if a guy is into a girl and had something and she's on about other men let alone a 'liaison' it's a kick in his stomach.

Ditto any girl. No one likes to feel like an option or a back-up. It's a horrible horrible feeling and not a nice thing to do. It doesn't sound like you're doing it consciously but the effect on your friend is the same.

If you're not bothered about this guy let him off the find a girl who is bothered about him.