Facebook

m'lady

My near 13 year old daughter has in the last few weeks decided to live on Facebook,and it's driving us mental!

I have her password so am keeping an eye and I can see she's not 'up to anything', but she's sitting there in the evening when we are all watching TV looking into her blasted phone/tablet. I take them all off her when she's going to bed, so no problems there.

The problem is just the constant need to be on the stupid thing, had anybody else the same problem and can anyone offer advice?

lazygal

She's not supposed to be on it if she's not 13 yet.

Monitoring is simple. Keep all tablets/computers/phones/internet devices in public/family areas and put them away/close them down when usage isn't permitted. Let her throw a strop, but agree times when she can use it, eg an hour after dinner, and set a timer so she can't dispute it. You're the adult here, enforce some rules.

m'lady

lazygal wrote: »

She's not supposed to be on it if she's not 13 yet.

Monitoring is simple. Keep all tablets/computers/phones/internet devices in public/family areas and put them away/close them down when usage isn't permitted. Let her throw a strop, but agree times when she can use it, eg an hour after dinner, and set a timer so she can't dispute it. You're the adult here, enforce some rules.

I have enforced loads of rules in regards to Facebook and other things but it's not that simple when they all have smart phones in fairness, and that's why I'm asking, if it was a tablet/laptop/PC it would be a lot easier.
My only choice is to take her phone off her when I don't want her on it, which would be very difficult!

lazygal

If that's your only choice, that's what you do, surely?

kristian12

Is the problem that you think she's on it to much and it's doing her no good or that you find it irritating when you are all sat together. If it's the former then make it a rule that she can use it at certain times of the evening, maybe for half an hour before tea and then half an hour before bed and insist she puts the phone/tablet away during meal times.

If it's the latter then i think you just need to accept that your little one isn't as interested in your company as her friends but as anybody will tell you fb gets very boring after a while.

freshpopcorn

When people do start using facebook at the they do tend to use it a lot but the novelty wears off.
Most people you daughters age are more interested in keeping in contact with their friends more than sitting at home watching tv with mammy & daddy.
You can only monitor so much of what your daughters gets up to on these sites. I know when I was that age Bebo was the craze and the peoples who parents monitored everything constantly deleted every message that might get them in trouble so they won't see them and some had a few facebook profile pages and the one's there parents saw was prim and proper. I still see this with cousins/neighbours kids now.
You need to make sure that your daughter knows how to stay safe an the the net and ye need to set a time limit if that bothers you. You also need to accept that your daughter is at that age now when she might think her family is a bit uncool and she wants to stay doing stuff/chatting with her friends.

georgesstreet

m'lady wrote: »

My near 13 year old daughter has in the last few weeks decided to live on Facebook,and it's driving us mental!

I have her password so am keeping an eye and I can see she's not 'up to anything', but she's sitting there in the evening when we are all watching TV looking into her blasted phone/tablet. I take them all off her when she's going to bed, so no problems there.

The problem is just the constant need to be on the stupid thing, had anybody else the same problem and can anyone offer advice?

The point of being a parent is to make rules and teach your children. From your post you seem seem to think your 12 year old's constant need to be on facebook somehow trumps your ability as a parent to make rules.

We had something similar and we made rules about use, which were easy to enforce as the use took place in our large family room. Our children were not given smart phones at 12, and letting a child have a smart phone at 12 seems to be making a rod for your own back, as it's harder to control when she is in her bedroom, or her friends house, or in the bathroom, school and so on.

BabysCoffee

m'lady wrote: »

I have enforced loads of rules in regards to Facebook and other things but it's not that simple when they all have smart phones in fairness, and that's why I'm asking, if it was a tablet/laptop/PC it would be a lot easier.
My only choice is to take her phone off her when I don't want her on it, which would be very difficult!

Leave her with the phone but switch off the wifi when her time is up

georgesstreet

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Leave her with the phone but switch off the wifi when her time is up

What sort of a lesson might that teach a 12 year old, that because she can’t be responsible everyone else in the house has to suffer the inconvenience of no wifi? To do so is likely to cause resentment, which is hardly useful to add into the mix as you head into the teenage years.

Teenagers are resourceful and so that act will encourage her to find a way around it (maybe piggybacking on a neighbours wifi), will encourage her to go behind your back (it's really not a good idea to encourage that sort of behaviour), and does not teach her responsible use of the internet, or how to live with others around her. Simply turning off the wifi does not solve any of the problems, and causes more problems.

m'lady

georgesstreet wrote: »

What sort of a lesson might that teach a 12 year old, that because she can’t be responsible everyone else in the house has to suffer the inconvenience of no wifi? To do so is likely to cause resentment, which is hardly useful to add into the mix as you head into the teenage years.

Teenagers are resourceful and so that act will encourage her to find a way around it (maybe piggybacking on a neighbours wifi), will encourage her to go behind your back (it's really not a good idea to encourage that sort of behaviour), and does not teach her responsible use of the internet, or how to live with others around her. Simply turning off the wifi does not solve any of the problems, and causes more problems.[/quote


I'm not being smart here , but what solves the problem then George not allowing her a smart phone?

m'lady

freshpopcorn wrote: »

When people do start using facebook at the they do tend to use it a lot but the novelty wears off.
Most people you daughters age are more interested in keeping in contact with their friends more than sitting at home watching tv with mammy & daddy.
You can only monitor so much of what your daughters gets up to on these sites. I know when I was that age Bebo was the craze and the peoples who parents monitored everything constantly deleted every message that might get them in trouble so they won't see them and some had a few facebook profile pages and the one's there parents saw was prim and proper. I still see this with cousins/neighbours kids now.
You need to make sure that your daughter knows how to stay safe an the the net and ye need to set a time limit if that bothers you. You also need to accept that your daughter is at that age now when she might think her family is a bit uncool and she wants to stay doing stuff/chatting with her friends.

Hey thanks, I agree with a lot of what you have said and have spoken to her. Basically I have told her that when we are watching tv as a family the phone/tablet stays in the kitchen, and that when we are chatting, eating etc the same rules apply.

I agree, that it's perfectly normal for them to want up be chatting on Facebook to their friends (hell I do be chatting to my own friends on it!), so am going to stop freaking out over it, she's a good kid and I know that!

Thanks for all your advice.

m'lady

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Leave her with the phone but switch off the wifi when her time is up

The problem is the 3G on the phone, it comes automatically with her credit!

nc19

m'lady wrote: »

I have enforced loads of rules in regards to Facebook and other things but it's not that simple when they all have smart phones in fairness, and that's why I'm asking, if it was a tablet/laptop/PC it would be a lot easier.
My only choice is to take her phone off her when I don't want her on it, which would be very difficult!

Who gave them the smartphones in the first place?

georgesstreet

nc19 wrote: »

Who gave them the smartphones in the first place?

And who buys the credit?

I dont understand why anyone would let a 12 year old have their own smart phone, which effectively lets them use the internet unsupervised at home, at school, at friends houses, and so it. To me its irresponsible to allow a 12 year old use the internet unsupervised.

m'lady

georgesstreet wrote: »

To me, the problem seems to be that you seem to have no belief that you can solve the problem you have highlighted.

You (i) consented to giving a 12 year old a smart phone, and (ii)presumably she doesn't have her own income to buy credit so you also consent and allow her to buy credit and to use both the phone and the credit in a way which you find unacceptable.

What are you expecting from this thread which has not already been said?

I was looking for general advice/tips which I did get above and not a condescending lecture on parenting.

Mods: I have got the advice I needed on this so if you could close this thread please - as I think some people are possibly looking into it in a more serious way than I expected.

m'lady

nc19 wrote: »

Who gave them the smartphones in the first place?

What has that got to do with what advice/tips that I was looking for in fairness?

georgesstreet

m'lady wrote: »

I was looking for general advice/tips which I did get above and not a condescending lecture on parenting.

Mods: I have got the advice I needed on this so if you could close this thread please - as I think some people are possibly looking into it in a more serious way than I expected.

As a parent myself, I made a decision not to allow my children, when they were 12, smartphones, and I also made a decision to only allow then internet access in a supervised or semi supervised fashion in our living room/kitchen. We felt that was the responsible thing to do.

You made a different decision which is no business of anyone else. People have different parenting styles and make different parenting choices.

m'lady

georgesstreet wrote: »

As a parent myself, I made a decision not to allow my children, when they were 12, smartphones, and I also made a decision to only allow then internet access in a supervised or semi supervised fashion in our living room/kitchen. We felt that was the responsible thing to do.

You made a different decision which is no business of anyone else. People have different parenting styles and make different parenting choices.

And may I ask what age are your children?

georgesstreet

m'lady wrote: »

And may I ask what age are your children?

boy 16 and girl 14

CrazyRabbit

All these suggestions about taking the phone, switching of wifi etc are all confrontational.
Have you tried just talking to your daughter and explaining how you feel about this? She may surprise you by voluntarily reducing the time she spends on Facebook.

m'lady

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

All these suggestions about taking the phone, switching of wifi etc are all confrontational.
Have you tried just talking to your daughter and explaining how you feel about this? She may surprise you by voluntarily reducing the time she spends on Facebook.

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

All these suggestions about taking the phone, switching of wifi etc are all confrontational.
Have you tried just talking to your daughter and explaining how you feel about this? She may surprise you by voluntarily reducing the time she spends on Facebook.

Most have been confrontational and very judgemental! Yes I have and she has now taken on board what I'm saying, as I have told her that's it's very rude and insulting, considering she's the one who asks to spend MORE time with me!!

georgesstreet

m'lady wrote: »

Most have been confrontational and very judgemental! Yes I have and she has now taken on board what I'm saying, as I have told her that's it's very rude and insulting, considering she's the one who asks to spend MORE time with me!!

Being a parent is about making judgements. Its a little ironic you judge that most have been confrontational and judgemental!

m'lady

georgesstreet wrote: »

Being a parent is about making judgements. Its a little ironic you judge that most have been confrontational and judgemental!

And posting a thread on the parents forum is about looking for advice, not getting condescending replies. I don't think you like being disagreed with, and your past posts highlight that!

Anyhow I'm done here, as it's getting a bit childish (pardon the pun).

Neyite

I know a parent who operates a credit system, which teens get quite well.

For every hour of homework/chores, they build up one hour of online credit time. Homework/chores then always come first, and must be completed before the use of online credit can begin. eg. if homework is 2 hours, they have to do the 2 hours homework first and then get 2 hrs online credit up to a maximum that you decide /time you decide. They cant do one hour homework then one online if you know what I mean.

The usual rules of no phones/tablets at the dinner table apply to all family members.

Seems to work quite well, but might depend on the child.

Cabaal

Neyite wrote: »

I know a parent who operates a credit system, which teens get quite well.

For every hour of homework/chores, they build up one hour of online credit time. Homework/chores then always come first, and must be completed before the use of online credit can begin. eg. if homework is 2 hours, they have to do the 2 hours homework first and then get 2 hrs online credit up to a maximum that you decide /time you decide. They cant do one hour homework then one online if you know what I mean.

The usual rules of no phones/tablets at the dinner table apply to all family members.

Seems to work quite well, but might depend on the child.

Seems like a pretty fair system,
That sort of system along with stuff like opendns.com to control what they have access to can go along way

LadyMayBelle

Neyite just hit what I was going to suggest.

No screentime at meal times/certain times. That includes parents. Model the behaviour you want to see. Youre in charge.

Introduce an incentive system; is they do thir chores/homework/whatevers they get a reward (this simple practice of rewarding the good behaviour). Maybe it's screentime, the charger, credit, access to the phone/tablet... Teens are more likely to repeat that good behaviour if there is something in it for them. Chores not done, no screentime.

I know there's the issue of 3g, but theres also the option of introducing a wifi code; for example, in order to get today's wifi password, you must do x y and z. Yes it means changing the password, but at the end of the day it's a short term arrangement until you see the child taking responsibilty.

Victoria Fortescue

m'lady wrote: »

I was looking for general advice/tips which I did get above and not a condescending lecture on parenting.

Before I start out, I want you to know I'm not being judgmental in any way. I'm a mother myself, my eldest is probably months younger than your daughter.

I have a laptop, which I only allow him if used in front of me, and only for the purpose of aiding his homework. He is not allowed to have a facebook account, and I will put this off for as long as I possibly can. Secondly, he doesn't own a mobile phone as such. When he visits his father he is permitted to take a very basic samsung phone which cost about 15 euro; and is only capable of calling or texting on it. The phone is taken back off him when he returns. The way I see it is, we did not have mobile phones when we were children, and we survived perfectly well without them.

A smartphone, unless you get in touch with the network provider and ensure that access to the internet is disabled on the phone; it becomes a dangerous tool for a child to have. Not only can they have access to unsuitable material for their age group, but people / adults with ill-intentions towards children may have access to your child via social networking sites. Not to mention the bullying that happens on facebook.

Again, please don't think I'm judging you, I'm not. I worry about whether my son should have the same things his pals have, but I just want my child to be a child.

This youtube video is aimed at 8-10 year olds, but I'd ask her to look at it. She might roll her eyes etc., but if she takes anything from it then it would be worthwhile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o8auwnJtqE

Best of luck with your daughter, it's a tricky time at their age.

Ham Sambo

For what it's worth I think you should restrict the amount of time your child spends accessing the web, even though she is in the same room as you doesn't mean she is accessing sites that she shouldn't be. Kids are very inquisitive.

Firstly as I said before kids should have restricted access to phones tablets laptops etc, the settings on each device should be set so that she does not access any site that is not suitable for her age group, the internet can enjoyable for kids in the right setting, doesn't make you any better or worse a parent than anybody in here, it's trial and error. best of luck.

Paddy Cow

m'lady wrote: »

My near 13 year old daughter has in the last few weeks decided to live on Facebook,and it's driving us mental!

I have her password so am keeping an eye and I can see she's not 'up to anything', but she's sitting there in the evening when we are all watching TV looking into her blasted phone/tablet. I take them all off her when she's going to bed, so no problems there.

The problem is just the constant need to be on the stupid thing, had anybody else the same problem and can anyone offer advice?

m'lady wrote: »

Hey thanks, I agree with a lot of what you have said and have spoken to her. Basically I have told her that when we are watching tv as a family the phone/tablet stays in the kitchen, and that when we are chatting, eating etc the same rules apply.

I agree, that it's perfectly normal for them to want up be chatting on Facebook to their friends (hell I do be chatting to my own friends on it!), so am going to stop freaking out over it, she's a good kid and I know that!

Thanks for all your advice.

No offense but if you are watching tv what difference does it make if your daughter is using her tablet? Watching tv is hardly an interactive experience. I understand if it's dinner time/visitors around/playing board games it would be rude for her to be sitting there ignoring everyone but if ye're only watching telly I can't see the problem. It's hard to find tv shows that the whole family will want to watch. Maybe she is just bored by the shows you watch?

OP I'm like your daughter (only a lot older). I have no interest in TV and when I am at home, the rest of the family will be watching whatever and I will be on my laptop (usually posting on boards :P). When it comes to actual interaction, they turn off the tv and I close down the laptop.