Long distance....

s.a.man

I am 30's something gay guy, been living in ireland for over a decade which I loved but with the economy and way things are looking I recently moved back to the country I originate from.

I met dozen upon dozen guys in my time that I spent in ireland, but a week before I left I met this wonderful guy, we hit it off straight away, we clicked sexually and intellectually, everything went well till I had to say goodbye which wasnt a very pleasant experience to say the least.

Before I came back to my home country I decided to travel through EU for 5weeks, we stayed in contact AND I wasnt sure whether we'll see each other again or not, one day on my travels he asked me for my itinerary and I gave it to him promptly and I honestly didnt think much of it when he asked me for it, thinking he was only curious to see where I was travelling around. So one day in the middle of my travels he said he wants to see me again, he arranged to meet me on holidays which he did and we had an amazing time together and ofcourse again the goodbyes was very tough for me especially.

That was 2months ago, we are still in contact...we call each other somedays 3times a day, but I noticed he is starting to distance himself from me, I am first to sometimes initiate conversation and first to txt, which drives me berserk at times. I also have my doubts in this guy, since he contradicted himself on holidays to how he is acting now...

He told me one day in txt that he still have his pointless shags and what nots, I was a little shocked to hear that and it did burden me a little bit, but I have now gone to the stage that I cant do anything about it. I am different, I haven't been with anyone else since him and I have no interests at all.

I can honestly say I love him and he says the same and he always reassure me that no other man makes him feel the way I do and in the beginning he always said we will see each other again, but now he holds back when I tell him I miss him or about our future together.I am just afraid of the prospect that I might never see him again, it scares me what the future holds between us and now with xmas around the corner its even harder for me.

Do you think this will work?

Thank you for your answers

s.a.man

anybody?

Tasden

Have you discussed your relationship with him? Like have you both clarified what it is you both expect/want? I'm taking from your post that you both love each other but are not in a relationship as such...? Tbh it sounds like while he does love you and miss you, maybe he doesnt necessarily see it going anywhere or consider it a "relationship" in the traditional sense. Honestly though this is only something he can answer.

It does seem like he is trying to slow down and back off a bit and I cant say I blame him, if I was in love with someone and they were in a different country and we hadnt any concrete plans regarding our relationship I'd find it very difficult and want to limit the hurt that seems inevitable by staying in constant contact.

Im a firm believer in making any type of relationship work as long as you both want the same thing and are willing to make it work but long distance is tough and if one of you finds that too difficult or isn't happy and secure in that type of relationship then its not going to work. But all that is dependent upon you guys defining what it is you guys have/want/expect from each other.

Also, I think it is a little unfair to expect exclusivity from him. I'm not saying you do, im just adding that in for clarity. Unless you both agree on being in an exclusive relationship with each other then hes free to sleep with whoever he likes as harsh as it seems to you.
Hope this helps.

s.a.man

Tasden wrote: »

Have you discussed your relationship with him? Like have you both clarified what it is you both expect/want? I'm taking from your post that you both love each other but are not in a relationship as such...? Tbh it sounds like while he does love you and miss you, maybe he doesnt necessarily see it going anywhere or consider it a "relationship" in the traditional sense. Honestly though this is only something he can answer.

It does seem like he is trying to slow down and back off a bit and I cant say I blame him, if I was in love with someone and they were in a different country and we hadnt any concrete plans regarding our relationship I'd find it very difficult and want to limit the hurt that seems inevitable by staying in constant contact.

Im a firm believer in making any type of relationship work as long as you both want the same thing and are willing to make it work but long distance is tough and if one of you finds that too difficult or isn't happy and secure in that type of relationship then its not going to work. But all that is dependent upon you guys defining what it is you guys have/want/expect from each other.

Also, I think it is a little unfair to expect exclusivity from him. I'm not saying you do, im just adding that in for clarity. Unless you both agree on being in an exclusive relationship with each other then hes free to sleep with whoever he likes as harsh as it seems to you.
Hope this helps.

We have discussed it and we are in a relationship. He told me on holidays that he could never be in an open relationship, hence why I was taken aback when he told me about his flings, so I have my doubt for a good reason! Today I just decided that I am not sure if I can continue a relationship with someone if there is no promises that we'll see each other again and if I can share him with others. I dont care about distance and it doesnt bother me so much, if a person loves someone as much as he describes it then I feel it should overrule having pointless f*** whether I was in ireland or here, it shouldn't make a difference at all. But I guess that wont even change if I was in ireland. I am starting to get the idea I was perhaps being fooled by all of this! I dont know anymore.

Tasden

Well distance or no distance if you have decided to be in an exclusive relationship with each other then what he did is cheating. Whether you're in the same country or not he should not be sleeping with anyone if he has promised you he would not. If however you did not specify exclusivity (its not always a given!) then maybe he thought it was an open relationship while you were travelling. I personally think you deserve better for what its worth. Seems hes having his cake and eating it too- stability of you but the freedom to be with others while you're away. If he cared about you he would have clarified about seeing other people before doing it even if he was under the impression that it was an open relationship. If you have any reservations or doubts about an open relationship then its probably not for you. It works for many people but for others it doesn't and thats ok. A relationship should make you feel happy not insecure.

s.a.man

Thank you for your answers

I dont know what to do cos I love this guy, we were talking today and yesterday a couple of times, I am not sure what to do... I guess only time will tell!

Tasden

s.a.man wrote: »

Thank you for your answers

I dont know what to do cos I love this guy, we were talking today and yesterday a couple of times, I am not sure what to do... I guess only time will tell!

Well sometimes when you don't know what to do, you're best doing nothing. Keep communicating and see how it goes. Best of luck!

s.a.man

Tasden wrote: »

Well sometimes when you don't know what to do, you're best doing nothing. Keep communicating and see how it goes. Best of luck!

Its true what you said, I am taking it easier now and I decided not to contact him as much as before, same with the txt. It doesnt hinder me so much anymore, cause in the end I am just doing myself injustice!
I am just sitting back and let time work itself out.

Thank you again

s.a.man

Tasden wrote: »

Well sometimes when you don't know what to do, you're best doing nothing. Keep communicating and see how it goes. Best of luck!

Just a quick update...

We ended this and I feel quite relieved to let him go since I cant handle the fact that he has his ways which I will never accept, but I wont go into it! Funny thing is that I still love him, but in the end its for the best. Unfortunately it did not end on good terms, my only regret.

Tasden

You know what, sometimes the things that are best for us aren't always the easiest. Honestly its better it ended now than later and deeper in love. Speaking from painful experience!

Sephiroth_dude

s.a.man wrote: »

Just a quick update...

We ended this and I feel quite relieved to let him go since I cant handle the fact that he has his ways which I will never accept, but I wont go into it! Funny thing is that I still love him, but in the end its for the best. Unfortunately it did not end on good terms, my only regret.

Sorry to hear that,onwards and upwards now my friend.